ycmanvs Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 This is a conversation that has to be in person. texting and email cannot convey the emotion behind it. You are genuinely worried for her safety. People who drink too much have issues. You know her better than us and she needs to work this stuff out. I do not think you are overreacting at this point. Don't make her feel guilty. Just tell her that you want her to be well and happy and that when she drinks too much, she puts herself at risk. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I change my opinion.. you aren't controlling .. you are codependent. Link to comment
beauty21 Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Tell her straight up, she acts like an a$$ when she drinks. Tell her the truth and be serious with her. There is no reason she needs to hang out with people she met in a bar, knowing full well she has had bad experiences in the past. She's acting as if she is untouchable and that behavior right there is going to lead her to a whole heap of trouble. I understand how you feel. I certainly would not be cool with my boyfriend hanging out at someone's house he met in a bar, whether he was with a friend or not. Not happening. Living so far away from eachother can be so difficult and frustrating at the same time. Taking from the way she is, I know you drive yourself crazy with worry. That is no way to live. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 My girlfriend does drink quite heavily when she goes out. When she is with me and without me. I don't think you are controlling, and I wouldn't trust anyone's judgement when they were drunk, including myself. I agree with ycmanvs, talk to her in person. Text messaging and phone calls are not a good way to communicate this issue. Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 I don't think you are controlling, and I wouldn't trust anyone's judgement when they were drunk, including myself. I agree with ycmanvs, talk to her in person. Text messaging and phone calls are not a good way to communicate this issue. I would never talk about this over text. I was only texting earlier to see if she was awake. Might leave it til after work tomorrow to talk about this. I just hope we can sort this out because I don't want to split up with her. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 She spent the night talking with friends. What is the problem? Why do you feel the need to control who she can and can not see? How is she being inconsiderate? Is she a child? Does she need a curfew? My thoughts exactly. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I would never talk about this over text. I was only texting earlier to see if she was awake. Might leave it til after work tomorrow to talk about this. I just hope we can sort this out because I don't want to split up with her. Good luck. Hope it all goes well for you. Give us an update. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 So she is only allowed out after dark with people that you have personally approved of? That seems right? Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 So she is only allowed out after dark with people that you have personally approved of? That seems right? If you have something to say, then make sure it is relevant. My girlfriend was drinking heavily from 6pm then decided to spend the entire night with a group of strangers she met in a bar. If you can't refrain from immature sarcasm then don't post. Link to comment
shikashika Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 If you have something to say, then make sure it is relevant. My girlfriend was drinking heavily from 6pm then decided to spend the entire night with a group of strangers she met in a bar. If you can't refrain from immature sarcasm then don't post. umm Mikey... we have all spent time her trying to give you our opinions.. and she is entitled to her opinions as well... ( and I do agree with Carnelian Butterfly) as I said before, it still seems to me like you are being a bit controlling. You might not agree, but you did post here and ask us for our advice! Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 I asked for advice. She just posted a sarcastic comment. How is that advice? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 If you have something to say, then make sure it is relevant. My girlfriend was drinking heavily from 6pm then decided to spend the entire night with a group of strangers she met in a bar. If you can't refrain from immature sarcasm then don't post. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm asking a question. Do you really think it is right of you to only allow your girlfriend to be with people you approve of personally? Do you honestly think that you have the right to dictate who she can and can not spend her time with? Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 My girlfriend was drinking heavily from 6pm then decided to spend the entire night with a group of strangers she met in a bar. . Mikey ..would you not agree that the drinking is what seems to be the catalyst for the problems with your girlfriend.... IMO...you need to stop trying to save her. I also think that you should read codependent no more... your behavior is very codependent like- i.e. controlling for their own good. Link to comment
shikashika Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I asked for advice. She just posted a sarcastic comment. How is that advice? well I didn't see it as sarcastic... truthfully I agree with her.. I would see the way you are behaving in this situation as being quite controlling.. The points she brought up were justified... do you think it might be because you completely disagree with her? Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 No, I don't think I have the right. She can spend time with whoever she wants. She can talk to random people in bars, I don't mind about that. She's regularly chatted up by guys she meets, I don't mind any of that stuff. But I just feel spending the night at a strangers house is too risky. I know I can't tell her not to do it, I never once said I would do that!! I will discuss what I am feeling, just as I have in the past and hope something can be worked out. Somewhere along the lines, you have assumed that I told her what to do. I don't know where you got that from. You're labelling me as controlling when I've never set any boundaries for her, I've only told her what I've been feeling in the hope that she will understand. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Somewhere along the lines, you have assumed that I told her what to do. I don't know where you got that from. You're labelling me as controlling when I've never set any boundaries for her, I've only told her what I've been feeling in the hope that she will understand. Mikey..it doesn't have to be assumed... even the way you discuss it with us..it sounds awfully controlling. It just seems very passive aggressive. Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 the fact is... i have to decide if I can live with a relationship like this. Can I put up with my girlfriend drinking heavily when I'm not around and potentially putting herself at risk. I coped with it in previous relationships but I'm not sure I can with this one. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Its a Passive-aggressive controlling. Emotional blackmail. I then said I don't want to be with someone who goes off with random groups of people they meet in bars when I'm not there. I told her to give me until tomorrow to think about what has happened, giving me time to calm down in case I was over reacting. Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 I see your point. That was definitely emotional blackmail and I regret saying it. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 the fact is... i have to decide if I can live with a relationship like this. Can I put up with my girlfriend drinking heavily when I'm not around and potentially putting herself at risk. I coped with it in previous relationships but I'm not sure I can with this one. Its good that you are questioning your part in the relationship... and i would say that since you have been involved in a relationship prior to this one with similar issues... codependency is looking more and more like the issue for you. Was someone in your family a heavy drinker? or was their abuse in your home? Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 No, there was no abuse in my home and no heavy drinking. Link to comment
Siriana Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 the fact is... i have to decide if I can live with a relationship like this. Can I put up with my girlfriend drinking heavily when I'm not around and potentially putting herself at risk. I coped with it in previous relationships but I'm not sure I can with this one. Well to tell you the truth with her drinking so much no matter where you are it's not good. And I can't help thinking how come you already had such experiences with other gf's (heavy drinking)? This will sound somewhat rude (but thats really not my intention), but how many times have you been in a relationship where you were playing the role of a saver (o.k. I have no idea how to spell it??? the one who thinks he can save others from bad things they do to themself) Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 what happened in the other relationship? was she a drinker as well? Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 What I want to know is how she feels about you going on all these Holidays to foreign countries with your buddies? Wopuld you allow her to do that without freaking out? Yes, of course she can do that. She has done in the past. Link to comment
mikeyc77 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 what happened in the other relationship? was she a drinker as well? I've been in 4 long term relationships and none of them were like this one. A previous girlfriend has drunk a lot but she knew when to stop and didn't have a problem. Link to comment
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