Girlfriend stayed out all night

[taosnake]

I can only assume that she is around the OP's age which makes her an adult capable of making her own choices. Whether she was with one friend or a few friends, the point stands, she did not go alone. As an adult the hope would be that she would show reasonable judgment and that if anything about these new friends felt dangerous (and again, it was a group of both men and women, not a group of just men) she would not go to their house. The OP is not her father, but her boyfriend.

 

If he does not trust her judgment, why is he with her?

 

And the difference between 16 and 29 in terms of common sense, maturity and ability to make safe choices is a huge difference. Would you not agree?

 

Hope if you were or are in a relationship with a man would you or have you ever gone home with a group of strangers without your man being present?

[ycmanvs]

I agree. I already covered all that. However his concerns should be voiced. If she knows how he feels then maybe she could put his mind at ease by showing that her judgement is sound. Long distance relationships are hard enough to maintain. These 2 have been together 3 years so they must be doing something right. I don't think a phone call is too much to ask for if you are going to be out all night.

[shikashika]

Hope if you were or are in a relationship with a man would you or have you ever gone home with a group of strangers without your man being present?

 

I'm not Hope... but yes I have done that, my friends have done that, my boyfriends have done that..

 

and that had no harm on the relationship!!

 

my friends and I are all independent people!

 

i would not stand for being in a relationship where someone tries to control me!

[Siriana]

I don't see how that changes anything. Yes, that was a similar situation over a year ago but we discussed that and it was resolved. Like I said, I trust her completely now. I know she hasn't cheated on me but the thought that she might go out and stay at a strangers house on any given night fills me with dread.

 

Hi.

 

I think it makes a difference.

 

When I was reading your thread (this one) I was ready to jump at you saying OMG you're overreacting, she did nothing wrong.

And looking at it as a single story she did nothing wrong.

But reading the quoted thread from the past, it explains your situation more.

 

She is prone to getting into unwise situations according to that quted thread and now it is more obvious where your reaction comes from.

By that I don't mean she's prone to cheating at all.

I just say you might be affraid she's putting herself in danger by her behaviour.

 

Also I think you can't force her to behave the way you want to.

You said your opinion. It's up to her what she's gona do with it.

And it's up to you to decide what you're gona do after that.

[taosnake]

I'm not Hope... but yes I have done that, my friends have done that, my boyfriends have done that..

 

and that had no harm on the relationship!!

 

my friends and I are all independent people!

 

i would not stand for being in a relationship where someone tries to control me!

 

Even after your boyfriend established a rule with you that you "must" come home to your own bed whenever he is not present.

 

If this was the first time it happened then the two people involved need to come up with some type agreement as different people have different levels of boundries. Once real boundries are accepted by both and then broken by one the relationship must end as this is the type of behavior that is insulting to the one who is concerned

[mikeyc77]

I'm always impressed by the posters on this forum, all of you are articulate, polite and wise.

 

Back on topic. My girlfriend is 24. The incident which occurred in her past involved a date-rape drug but to this day she has no idea what happened on that night. Yes, the friend she was out with was single.

[shikashika]

Even after your boyfriend established a rule with you that you "must" come home to your own bed whenever he is not present.

 

If this was the first time it happened then the two people involved need to come up with some type agreement as different people have different levels of boundries. Once real boundries are accepted by both and then broken by one the relationship must end as this is the type of behavior that is insulting to the one who is concerned

 

 

I would never be with anyone who established a 'rule' like this... so it would never happen.

 

The original question was "if you were or are in a relationship with a man would you or have you ever gone home with a group of strangers without your man being present? "

 

and i said, yeah I would.. and I wouldn't mind if my partner did either.

 

 

Even after reading the link to the other read... I think he is overeacting.. and the one i feel for the girl... IMO, she is the one who should feel insulted with someone treating her like that.

[mikeyc77]

 

Even after reading the link to the other read... I think he is overeacting.. and the one i feel for the girl... IMO, she is the one who should feel insulted with someone treating her like that.

 

 

Treating her like what? I haven't beat her or shouted at her. We had a discussion where we BOTH agreed each of us would try to at least sleep at home if we were out. I have kept my side of the agreement.

[shikashika]

I'm always impressed by the posters on this forum, all of you are articulate, polite and wise.

 

Back on topic. My girlfriend is 24. The incident which occurred in her past involved a date-rape drug but to this day she has no idea what happened on that night. Yes, the friend she was out with was single.

 

so is this more of a concern? or is it more that she was out with people you didn't know.

 

if the previous incident had not happened.. do you think you would feel the same way?

[Hope75]

I'm always impressed by the posters on this forum, all of you are articulate, polite and wise.

 

Back on topic. My girlfriend is 24. The incident which occurred in her past involved a date-rape drug but to this day she has no idea what happened on that night. Yes, the friend she was out with was single.

 

I think at 24 she is old enough to make that sort of judgment responsibly.

 

Would it make a difference to you if she and her friend hung out with these friends during the daytime?

[taosnake]

I would never be with anyone who established a 'rule' like this... so it would never happen.

 

The original question was "if you were or are in a relationship with a man would you or have you ever gone home with a group of strangers without your man being present? "

 

and i said, yeah I would.. and I wouldn't mind if my partner did either.

 

 

Even after reading the link to the other read... I think he is overeacting.. and the one i feel for the girl... IMO, she is the one who should feel insulted with someone treating her like that.

 

You are absolutely right but she agreed to the rule and then broke it, while in your mind you would never agree to be with anyone who established a rule like this the OP by his own words never would want to be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't agree with a rule like this.

Perhaps she just isnt that in to him or just doesnt care anymore and is willing to risk the relationship over it which is a LDR by the way.

[mikeyc77]

I think at 24 she is old enough to make that sort of judgment responsibly.

 

Would it make a difference to you if she and her friend hung out with these friends during the daytime?

 

 

Yes, I think it would. If they hung out in the daytime in public I wouldn't have a problem. It's going back to a strangers house at 2am after drinking for 7 hours that makes me worry.

[Siriana]

Well, so she went with her friend to a house of someone they met that night at the bar?

Was that mixed company they met or only guys?

[mikeyc77]

I think mixed. I don't know the details.

[free2Bme]

We had a discussion where we BOTH agreed each of us would try to at least sleep at home if we were out. I have kept my side of the agreement.

 

TRY to sleep at home.

 

Well she didn't sleep anywhere, they just carried on the good time they were having at a different location til the next morning.

 

And because she was having fun she didn't feel the need to try and get home.

 

It doesn't sound like an agreement that was set in stone and agreed to 100% by both parties.

[taosnake]

Treating her like what? I haven't beat her or shouted at her. We had a discussion where we BOTH agreed each of us would try to at least sleep at home if we were out. I have kept my side of the agreement.

 

There was no agreement on your part as you were already doing it. This agreement would be like a vegetarian telling a meat eater lets not eat meat anymore and getting upset when he does and then saying I have kept my end of the agreement now keep yours.

For whatever reason your girlfriend enjoys going to strangers house after a night of drinking and dancing and doing who knows what.

You have to make the decision if you are cool with that as she has proven by her actions that this is what she plans on doing.

[shikashika]

Treating her like what? I haven't beat her or shouted at her. We had a discussion where we BOTH agreed each of us would try to at least sleep at home if we were out. I have kept my side of the agreement.

 

In my opinion, what you said to her at the beginning..that you 'needed time to think and you would get back to her'... is incrediby controling and patronising.

 

I think having this rule in the first place and making conditions about this is controling too.

 

This is why I wonder, if this was your idea to begin with and she went along with it... because I find it hard to understand why anyone would agree to a condition like that.. I know I wouldn't.

 

Above, you say, you agreed that you would 'try to sleep at home'... but then it seems to me, that you have made a huge issue about it, even letting her know that you would have to re-think the relationship.

 

just because one is not beating or shouting, does not mean they aren't treating someone poorly.

 

If you were a woman, I would be telling you the same thing. I probably feel strongly about this as well, because as I said, there is no way I would agree to shi in the first place.

 

however, she is 24, and I don't think she should need to let you know everything she is doing.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Mike,

 

I understand your concern based on her past experience with a possible date rape..

 

however, you can't set a rule under the guise that its for her benefit ..when in fact, its for your own peace of mind.

[shikashika]

There was no agreement on your part as you were already doing it. This agreement would be like a vegetarian telling a meat eater lets not eat meat anymore and getting upset when he does and then saying I have kept my end of the agreement now keep yours.

For whatever reason your girlfriend enjoys going to strangers house after a night of drinking and dancing and doing who knows what.

You have to make the decision if you are cool with that as she has proven by her actions that this is what she plans on doing.

 

Great anaology .. much more eloquent than me!

[shikashika]

Mike,

 

I understand your concern based on her past experience with a possible date rape..

 

however, you can't set a rule under the guise that its for her benefit ..when in fact, its for your own peace of mind.

 

this again.. I agree with.. I think healinghands has a good point... this is what I mean by trying to control... its almost like a parent trying to do whats best for their child.. and then punishing them.. almost like saying ' go to your room andI'll let you out again when you have decided to be good again'

[NewPhillyGuy]

Treating her like what? I haven't beat her or shouted at her. We had a discussion where we BOTH agreed each of us would try to at least sleep at home if we were out. I have kept my side of the agreement.

 

Let's not make a discussion point into an argument, everyone. There are alot of very pointed comments flying around. Let's be honest here for a second.

 

We live in a world where 50% of marriages fail.

 

With that being said, I think all of you here in a relationship would not like the idea of your SO sleeping over in a strange place with unfamiliar members of the opposite sex around. That's really what this is about. This guy does not want to be cheated on. Who wants to be cheated on anyway? He's faced with a situation where he doesn't know what happened and he's dealing with a girl who's obviously has no consideration for his feelings at all. That does not make for a good situation for him. All of you who are pointing fingers and calling him controlling need to be in those shoes first.

 

Granted, I, for one, probably would not have had this type "rule making" conversation that people are referring to. It just seems strange to me. However, I would also be extremely unhappy if my girlfriend pulled something like this. I probably would not be thinking about too much, but more so dumping her quick!

[mikeyc77]

It wasn't a hard and fast rule, more something we both agreed would make the long distance relationship easier.

 

It's not easy living 200 miles apart.

[shikashika]

this is where I don't agree with you.. especially what you have bolded above.. i think every boyfriend I've had has been in situations where he has 'crashed' at a group of friends house.. or a group he met out.. and so have I.

 

its not an issue if you are secure in your relationships!

[ycmanvs]

It wasn't a hard and fast rule, more something we both agreed would make the long distance relationship easier.

 

It's not easy living 200 miles apart.

 

Like I said before. You've made it work so far. Just be honest about your concerns and try to come up with a compromise that makes you both happy.

[NewPhillyGuy]

this is where I don't agree with you.. especially what you have bolded above.. i think every boyfriend I've had has been in situations where he has 'crashed' at a group of friends house.. or a group he met out.. and so have I.

 

its not an issue if you are secure in your relationships!

 

So, if your boyfriend went out with his friends, they met a group of single women while out, and they all decided to crash at someone's place without you, you would be ok with that?

 

Just want to make sure we are on the same page as far as the situation.