Its not who you are, its what you do and what you earn?

[Miss Firecracker]

I forgot to finish the story. The supervisor with the attitude got what was coming to him. He impregnated a big-boobed, 16 year old girl who worked in our office one summer. And he had to marry her and move away from our conservative small town.

 

When people have this attitude, they always seem to get it in the end. I've seen it happen so many times.

 

I remember this guy was married to another woman at the time. It was quite the scandal.

[Batya33]

I differentiate between who I would choose as a friend and who I would choose to marry. When it comes to a potential marriage partner I want someone with compatible values about education, work and money. I have a graduate degree, a strong work ethic and I believe that it's important to be financially stable. I get involved with people with a similar background. I would not get involved with a man who worked in a cafe full time and didn't have a degree and had no ambitions with respect to education or work. I might however be friendly with him. I wouldn't look down on him unless I felt that he was an adult male sponging off his parents or had an attitude of entitlement without having to work hard, or something similar.

 

I don't think earning $ is an accomplishment unto itself. It depends how the money is earned and the how could be the accomplishment.

[Miss Firecracker]

I wouldn't look down on him unless I felt that he was an adult male sponging off his parents or had an attitude of entitlement without having to work hard, or something similar.

 

 

If you "felt" an adult male were sponging, you could be wrong about that. Of course I'm sure you wouldn't date the man you felt was a sponge, but realize sometimes things are not how they seem. The man could have an illness you can't see.

[Batya33]

When I say "felt" I mean based on facts he shared - I meant it loosely not simply as a "feeling." And I was referring to who I would be friendly with - not date - I wouldn't date an adult male whose sole ambition was to work full time serving coffee, no matter what the reason.

 

I am sorry you've experienced people being rude to you - it seems like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.

[shes2smart]

May parents owned a cafe, and I worked there many years. This is pretty much a personal insult to me, so it's especially hard to see this. But I've grown used to it over the years.

 

My mother is not American, my father is. Where my mother comes from professionals like doctors and lawyers and engineers are held in high esteem, just because they are professionals. They may go home and yell at their kids and kick their dog, but they must be good people because they're professionals. Many, many times I listened to my father telling her that it was different here in America, where any kind of honest work was its own dignity.

 

Apparently that's not how things are operating in this culture anymore.

[Miss Firecracker]

Apparently that's not how things are operating in this culture anymore.

 

Things are very different in America from in the 50's and 60's.

 

But it's OK. I know that my parents were very respected in their town, and when my mom died, most of the people couldn't come to our place anymore because they were so sad that she was gone. And my father is a very decent and honest man who has many friends. Life is still great no matter where you live as long as you keep your priorities straight and keep your head up no matter how people will put you down.

[melrich]

I'm not sure why the theory is that if the woman works in the home, the man is supporting her. The woman is also supporting the family by working in the home. Child care and housekeeping is very expensive.

 

I think only people who don't have kids would ever have that attitude.

[Batya33]

I completely respect people who do honest hard work of any kind. When it comes to choosing a marriage partner I likely would not have enough in common with a blue collar worker who didn't go to college. Has nothing to do with my level of respect for that person, however, which is high. My grandfather was a blue collar worker for 40 years and I was darn proud of him. Because of his hard work, my mother was able to go to college. Times have changed - back then in my grandfather's day it was very difficult to be able to get a college degree. These days, at least in the major city I am from it is much easier and basically is the norm.

[shes2smart]

Batya33, I agree with what you've said here and in other recent threads about being discriminating when it comes to selecting a marriage partner.

 

What my dad used to say to my mom about honest work being its own dignity in this country had more to do with how people treated others who did non-degreed/professional jobs -- like waitresses and store clerks, and how my mother tended to automatically assume that those in higher status jobs were somehow better people than, say, the cashier at the grocery store.

 

I gather from comments you've made on other threads that you, personally, treat those people with the same amount of courtesy and respect that you would someone with a higher-status job, however (and unfortunately) that's not the case with everyone. Until recently my husband worked at a bank's credit card call center and it was a common occurrence for customers to treat him like crap and yell at him for mistakes they had made with their accounts. Part of the reason he decided to get a different job was he was tired of people treating him like he was somehow inferior just because he happened to have a job answering the phone while they had credit cards with $100,000 limits.

[MissTee]

When I met my current partner, the last thing I was thinking about was his job or his money. In fact, I don't think we even talked about at all in the beginning.

 

This may sound like I'm generalizing and I hope no one is offended BUT I have found that I communicate better with people who are on the same intellectual level as I am (ie. white collar). However, I NEVER ask. I think it's really rude.

 

Given that, when he did tell me what he did for a living, I wasn't surprised as I could tell by the way he presented himself and communicated that he was well educated.

 

Also, if I was considering a man for a serious relationship/marriage, earnings would make an impact on my decision as I would want to be able to live comfortabley, buy a house, have and support a family... and to do this you need to earn a decent wage and have job security.

 

Finally, I find a career-driven, motivated man very attractive.

[shikashika]

This may sound like I'm generalizing and I hope no one is offended BUT I have found that I communicate better with people who are on the same intellectual level as I am (ie. white collar). However, I NEVER ask. I think it's really rude.

 

 

you are not being offensive. I totally agree with you Miss Tee.. I think this is a really rude and 'lack of class' ( for lack of a better phrase!) thing to talk about when first meeting someone.

 

The funny thing is, people who talk about their salary within 5 minutes of meeting them are usually trying to compensate for something... and if this is all they have to offer in the form of conversation, then its not someone I want to be around anyway.

[MissTee]

I agree.

 

A guy who states what he does for work and how much he earns in the first conversation is a total TURN OFF.

[Batya33]

But your husband had no idea if the bad treatment had any link to their wealth - perhaps they were just as rude when they had 1,000 in the bank or less.

 

And yes I agree with your post.

[Batya33]

I think it is far different to talk about salary than what you do for a living. often what people do for a living makes for an interesting topic of conversation. I've dated lighting designers, professors, a radio personality - and other interesting jobs/careers that lent itself to neat first date conversation. On the other hand, I would not see someone again who asked what my salary was on the first date.

[BetterKarma]

I agree with Batya33. I ask new people that I meet what they do for a living all the time and I get asked that question quite a lot in social settings too. I don't have a problem telling people what I do as long as they don't ask how much I make.

 

As for being a gold digger, I don't consider myself one however, I do tend to date guys who make the same or more than I do. I just want the men I date to have the same ambition and career driven attitude as I do. I have financial goals that I expect to achieve in the future and I want the man in my life to be a contributing partner to those goals. I don't think that qualifies me to be a gold digger. I consider it animal nature to want the best quality mate as in Darwinism-survival of the fittest.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

For me, it's not so much money that matters in a man. I mean, to an extent. I never sought out men who were "rich" just because I wanted to marry him and "have money," but I do feel that it is important that the man can help contribute to a comfortable lifestyle.

 

What's more important to me is that a man have AMBITION and MOTIVATION -- not necessarily to make money. But he must be driven to accomplish the things that he wants to accomplish. The biggest turnoff could be hearing a man constantly say that he's sick of working FOR people, and wants to, and WILL, ONE DAY, work for HIMSELF, but he does NOTHING to achieve that dream. That's what turns me off. It doesn't matter if he even succeeds or not-- it's a matter of whether he even tries or not.

[Batya33]

Are you saying that people who work for a company by definition lack ambition? Or just men who complain about working for a company as opposed to for themselves?

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

No Batya-- that was just an EXAMPLE of how some people want something, but don't even TRY to achieve it. It could be anything they want to achieve. I did not mean to sound as if I was solely focusing in on, or generalizing about, people who work FOR people. It was just an example off the top of my head.

 

Another example: Let's pretend that a girl named Jane wants to open up an eBay store and sell some handmade goods. All she does is think about it and talk about it. This has been going on for a few years now. Nothing is really preventing her from actually taking the steps to actually DO it-- after all, she does have a bunch of handmade stuff that she could sell, she has a computer, internet, and can even manage to find the time to do it.... but still, she does not do anything about it.

 

Does that clear things up?

[mgirl]

The "what do you do" question is so rude! I have been in situations where i could have earned a hell of a lot of money, but i decided not to due to the harm i would be causing people due to the industry i was working in (and still do to a certain extent, although minimally).

 

I know that i have more capabilties, but i just don't want to use them. So, when people ask me what i do, i play it down and respond with answers such as "a bit of this, a bit of that", or i just say, "as little as possible" and let them make what they want out of it. It is quite funny and a lot of people are uncomfortable with answers like these! If i really want freak people out, i say i am a mail sorter, which is partially true at the moment, and i see how they resond. If they run the other way, then i am glad not to have people like these in my life.

 

A lot of people judge and compare themselves with others in relation to their income, and it gets tiresome.

 

Somebody should point out to them that what is on top one day may not be the next.

[tmp0620]

This post is a little depressing. I get the feeling that security is hardwired into womens' brains the same way sex is hardwired into mens'. It's all about children. If you take children out of the equation money loses it's value in a big way if you ask me.

 

People really need very little to live good, meaningful lives, but materialism has taken over. Evolution at work.

 

Makes me want to

[Miss Firecracker]

If i really want freak people out, i say i am a mail sorter, which is partially true at the moment, and i see how they resond. If they run the other way, then i am glad not to have people like these in my life.

 

That's a good screening process, mgirl.

[Batya33]

To me your response is an overreaction and unduly judgmental of the people who ask the question and trying to make them uncomfortable. Most people I find simply ask what people do for a career or job to make conversation, period.

I would find your "trick" response rude - why not just a simple "why do you want to know?"

 

It's fine if you don't want to use your talents in your job. What would surprise me, given your stance on not wanting to do harm, is if you didn't use your talents in a volunteer capacity to try to resolve the issues you see as wrong with your industry.

[Batya33]

Yes, that clears things up a lot. In addition, thanks for answering my question. Thanks!

[CaptainPlanet]

This post is a little depressing. I get the feeling that security is hardwired into womens' brains the same way sex is hardwired into mens'. It's all about children. If you take children out of the equation money loses it's value in a big way if you ask me.

 

People really need very little to live good, meaningful lives, but materialism has taken over. Evolution at work.

 

Makes me want to

 

couldn't agree more

[shes2smart]

If you work full time (as many people do), you end up spending a large chunk of your waking hours at work. It's a rather large part of your life. I think it's natural for someone who has recently met you to ask "what do you do." It's a way to look for common ground for a conversation -- you never know if a newly-met person might know someone you know or something like that.

 

I think some of you who find offense to the "what do you do" question are reading things into that may not even be in the mind of the person asking the question. Like Batya33 said...it can be a conversation starter, and nothing more.

 

I mean, really, you can only have superficial interaction about neutral things like the weather and sports for so long. At some point, it either needs to end or get more personal. Asking what kind of work someone does brings the interaction to a slightly more personal level....but not quite as personal as, say, asking their marital or relationship status.