It's been a year - still hurting! Help me please.

[LilPixie]

Hey guys,

 

I am so tired and sick of feeling lonely and sad. It's been a year since me and my ex broke up. The 3 year relationship ended when I found out that he was cheating. Engagement, wedding, everything went down the drain.

 

Why am I still hurting? I haven't even tried to date since then. I can't sleep, I still have nightmares of him and the other girl. I feel like I'm covered in pain day after day. I haven't seen or spoken with him since that happened. I don't know anything about him or his life -I moved to a new city.

 

Does anyone else feel the same way after ONE YEAR has passed? Is that normal? I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

Please give me some advise. I joined the gym, I moved to a new city, I traveled to a new continent. I did all the things that I was supposed to do.

[andy5128]

Hi Lilpixie

 

Don't beat yourself up about it being a year and you still feel this way. Everyone deals with these things in different ways and timescales. I guess you invested alot into the relationship as 3 years is a longtime.. You have moved about a bit then! I hope things are good in your new city..

Enjoy doing those things you mentioned like going to the gym etc.. Time will continue to pass and it will get better..

Take Care

Andy

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the way the relationship ended has a lot to do with the fact that you can't move on. Betrayal is a hard thing to deal with. Not only did you lose your hopes and dreams for the future, you are also dealing with the pain of knowing that someone you loved could betray you like that. People always say "move on with your life" go do things you enjoy, etc etc and this will help you move on. That is easier said than done. No matter what you do, where you go, how much fun you are having in other pursuits..you are still alone with your mind and your thoughts and dashed dreams. If you notice, a lot of dumpers try to go back to their ex...they dumped their ex for another person but somehow, even though they are doing fun things with the new person, their heart and mind can't shake the ex. I am not saying your ex will want to get back together with you, I am just saying that you shouldn't beat yourself up for not being over it a year later. Sometimes it can take quite a while. I question the depth of somebody's feelings for someone if they get over that person within a few weeks or a couple of months.

[JoeWho]

For me the biggest hurdle to getting over (and I am not 100% there yet but almost) my last relationship of 10 years was accepting that it was indeed over for good. That was the hardest and most frustrating part by far. It took me about six months to finally accept that fact and then once I did that, I found that things looked great for me. The last few months I have been happy and while I do still think about my ex I dont feel tremendous pain or sadness when I do. Sometimes I even think about a great memory and smile.

 

The point here is that while it has been a year since your break up maybe you still havent accepted that the relationship is over and never coming back. It think that is where a lot of people get hung up when they are healing. When you can put the relationship in the past and focus your energy on the present and the future then things dont seem so gloomy anymore.

[BILLEON2005]

Hey, Girl I just went through a devistating split a month ago so I feel your pain. I went to a hypnotist to help me with the pain, this could be an option I let go alot of the pain but it was not 100% a succes and I have been reading book on dealing with this and am still at a sticking point! Bad dreams depression and that baloney! IMHO a woman can go and find a man in a short period of time it is the "law" of nature, my ex was with someone after a week of our split and she said "I love you with all my heart and we will always be together" so things are sick in todays world! Christian singles groups and going to the gym are what I am doing to meet GOOD people, people who are looking for a lasting relationship, you could consider these options! always remember you are a beautiful woman who was loyal to yor man and there is a trillion guy's who would walk trough broken glass to have a person like you in there life! Good guy's are a dime a dozen but a GOOD woman is once in a lifetime! Remember this..... William

[Altoona]

Depending how much you put into your relationship is an idea of how long it will take to heal.

 

A year on, yes I still get my off days but they are very very few and far between.

 

It does take time. Somedays you just have to get that kick start to move those 2 steps forward again.

 

I can't remember where I heard this but it went like "Our days are numbered. Each sad day we spend in our lives is a waste of a valued day.. live each day as if there was no tomorrow"..

 

It seems as though you are stuck in quicksand right now and you just need that headstart to get you going again.... Help yourself, focus on having a good day tomorrow, make a plan and stick to it and believe you me you will feel good again.....

[lady00]

I think the way the relationship ended has a lot to do with the fact that you can't move on. Betrayal is a hard thing to deal with.

 

I couldn't agree more. I think this is probably what is bothering you so much. The fact that you were deceived. Time will help but I think you also need to start working on forgiving your ex. It sounds like you are still quite upset with him. I'm not saying you should contact him but within yourself you might want to forgive him and also forgive yourself if you blame yourself in an way for what happened. That may be the closure that you need.

[Pegasus]

Hey guys,

 

I am so tired and sick of feeling lonely and sad. It's been a year since me and my ex broke up. The 3 year relationship ended when I found out that he was cheating. Engagement, wedding, everything went down the drain.

 

Yes, it indeed matter how relationship ended. Mine ended pretty the same way - by cheating and being left by my so for another guy. It lasted 4 years and it was just few days before engagement celebration. Now it's been 11 months till than but she and what she did is still in my head every day. I don't really know if I'll get over it ever. I feel so damn hurt by what she did, I ask myself million times - how could she do it and never look back? And most important - why? Why I wasn't good enough? What's wrong with me? I know this post won't give you an answer but maybe it will give you some confort knowing that you're not alone in all this.

[justanother1]

lillpixie...

 

I think I understand where you are coming from, was engaged and he ended it out of blue... and I those dreams and hopes for the future come crashing down.... it's only been 5wks today since our break up but the fact that he hasn't reached out I think makes it hurt more because it makes me feel like this relationship meant nothing to him. that I was just a toy for him... and that freaking hurts... I don't think why wasn't I good enough, I know I'm good enough and he didn't deserve my love, kindness and genorasity but it hurt to feel that you we just a toy for him... and then I can't stand it when I miss him, how can I miss him so much when he doesn't love me anymore. at times I feel so stup1d. I know I can't offer much advised because just like you I'm having a hard time moving on. but just like okie, I hope you find some comfort knowing we are here for you and we are listening.

[Cindersam]

You are definitely not alone in what you feel. Even though my ex did not cheat on me (at least not that I know of ) I still feel betrayed in the fact that we were together for 6 years and he never told me that he was losing interest in me. He simply called me on the phone one day and told me he had fallen out of love with me. No warning, no discussion just a matter of fact. In this way I feel he betrayed me. We had planned a future together. No we were not engaged but we had talked of a future together often. It has been 6 1/2 months for me since the break up and I am not over it yet either. My head keeps telling me I should be but my heart isn't listening. I thought I was getting better and then the past week has been horrible - crying for no reason and depressed.

 

So no you are not alone in how you feel. If only we could get out hearts to listen to our heads it would be so much easier.

[Cindersam]

I must add that although iIunderstand the pain you are going through I also know that it will get better in time. I know it doesn't seem lkike it now but it will.

 

The man that I was dating before my current ex did cheat on me. We had been dating for about 4 years. I broke it off with him because it didn't seem to be going anywhere. He started sending me flowers constantly - at home and at work telling me how much he loved me. Then I find out that all the time he was sending me flowers professing his love for me he was engaged to someone else! He had cheated on me with her during our last year together. I was furious and also confused.

 

My point is I can now talk about it and not feel anything. I take it as a lesson learned and I can honestly say I am TOTALLY over him. I am looking forward to the day when I can say that about my current ex. Hopefully that day will come soon.

[Cindersam]

I have a question for you. I don't know your story but do you want him back? Could this be what is keeping you from healing?

[LilPixie]

Guys, you are all amazing! Thank you for your advice. I would have never managed to get out of bed and live my life if it wasn't for e-not alone. THANK YOU!!!

 

Cindersam,

No, I don't want my ex back or even think about him coming back - he was a horrible man to me. I've forgiven him complitely.

 

When you love someone ....when you really do, what do you do with the love that you feel for them after the relationship ends? OK so they hurt you but you can't really replace the love or push it out of you?

 

What do you do with the love that you feel for your ex?

[JoeWho]

When you love someone ....when you really do, what do you do with the love that you feel for them after the relationship ends? OK so they hurt you but you can't really replace the love or push it out of you?

 

What do you do with the love that you feel for your ex?

 

Its kind of hard to put into words the answer to your question but the closest that I think I can accurately come to an answer is that I just try to keep it where it belongs and that is in the past. Just like many other things that I experienced in the past that are not coming back. It is just a memory of a good time in my life and something that ran its course.