Dating for two years...engagement?

[filmraven]

Hi guys,

 

I know this post belongs in the marriage forum but I can never seem to get it to work...

 

I have a question regarding my relationship with an awesome guy that I have been dating for the past two years and living with for a little over a year. We have talked about getting engaged since last December. We had a long talk about it and both agreed that we felt ready to take that "next step". Since my bf doesn't want to get married until after his sister does (she won't be until June 2000) he said why don't we get engaged. I was thrilled at this prospect bc I love my bf more than anything and it feels, like they say, REALLY right. So...months go by and we shop together for a ring. In early February we found a diamond which my bf purchases with the decision that we buy the setting separately that we want off the web.

 

A few months have gone by now and my bf has stopped talking about getting the setting. I figured at first this was bc he didn't want me to know but lately has been making no hints of buying it. When we got our tax returns back he said, "Well I might as well spend it on car repairs since there's nothing else I need to dish money out for..." I felt like coughing and saying "engagement ring" but I refrained. He looked at me funny when I hesitated and said, "What, it's not like their is anything else."

 

I guess what I'm trying to get to is: lately I'VE been taking initiative and looking for a setting that I like (bc I don't trust ordering over the web) and recently found someone who works out of her home making engagement rings. I have yet to bring it up with my bf but I feel like I should tell him that I've found a place to go get it. I guess what I'm worried of is bringing it up and sounding impatient. I don't want to be pushy but I don't feel like I can just say, "So..are you still thinking of buying a ring?" without sounding that way. I guess I'm just a little old-fashioned and feel like I'm taking the reigns when all I want is my bf to be excited about it and WANT to go look for a ring.

 

My bf is absent minded frequently but I still feel uneasy over why he's stopped doing anything about it. It makes me feel like he doesn't want to get engaged to me or is holding off for some unmentioned reason. Advice would be appreciated.

[KrisAnn]

I have a good friend who felt the same way until her fiance proposed! Funny part was - she actually got herself so convinced he was never going to do it, that when he got down on his knee on the beach in Maine, she thought he fell and was like "will you get up, this is embarrassing!" LOL! Sorry, I still find that funny

 

Anyway, just be patient. The diamond is purchased - he's made up his mind that he wants this. He could be just messing with you, knowing how badly you want this, or he really could just be being absent-minded about it. I would just wait it out a little longer. Sounds to me like you're as good as engaged

[flower99]

If you're taking by the reigns & picking the setting or reminding him to do..it's not the same. You don't want to plan your engagment do you??

 

Be patient and trust your bf. You were present when he bought the diamond ..so he might still be trying to get an element of surprise, so he's throughing you off by acting like he's forgotten. He already bought the diamand.. I don't think that is something he'll forget about. So I personally am thinking he's taking time to find the right setting & surprise you with it when you least expect it.

 

Be patient...Trust him....He might be holding off for an unmentioned reason...but that reason could just be the right moment. Where he feels it is the perfect time and/or place to do it.

Let us know how it turns out... I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.

[filmraven]

You don't want to plan your engagment do you??

 

No, I totally don't want to plan my own engagement and I think that was what I was trying to get at. How do I hint at it or bring it up with him without sounding impatient? Is it better just not to say anything? It may sound unreasonable but I can see him putting it off for the next year and I'll just end up getting fusterated.

[Batya33]

Since you're living with him anyway, why not do the proposing? I don't quite understand the "can't get married until after my sister does" especially since you are living together, but if that is ok with you, that's great.

[ghost69]

maybe he is letting it blow over to get your to forget about it so he can surprise you. women can do the proposing too you know.

[filmraven]

Yeah, I have heard of women proposing. I think it's awesome, and modern and I'd admire a fellow co-worker for doing it but I just really don't feel like it's me. Call me old-fashioned but I still love the idea of having my bf propose to me instead of me doing it instead.

 

I really hope he's trying to "make me forget" but in the same instance I know my bf really well and my instincts tell me that he's going to take his fine time while I get ansy waiting. More than anything I just want to mention it slightly but I don't know what to say to him.

[flower99]

say....Oh wow, look at my finger...it's so Naked. (:

or ....'you know hun, I keep getting hit on...I wish I had some obviously symbol to prove that i'm taken" ha ha ha

That's the best I can to for slightly mentioning it (:

OH OH unless you get a friend of his or yours to casually mention something.

 

If he does take his fine time while you get antsy...Is there a problem with that??? Cause you will have to wait to get married either way. (when is his sister getting married..above it says June 2000 ???)

[filmraven]

Thanks for the helpful point flower99. Sorry for the typo-his sister isn't getting married until 2008 so in a year from now. I understand then that I shouldn't get ansy over it. I guess I've just had it in my head for a long time that after being together for over two years and knowing that you are with the right person you should get married. I guess getting engaged for me after two years is a way of compromising the fact that we can't get married until four years after dating due to his sisters impending nuptials. If I had it my way and it wouldn't interfer, I'd gladly get married a lot sooner (like this summer).

[flower99]

I guess I've just had it in my head for a long time that after being together for over two years and knowing that you are with the right person you should get married. I guess getting engaged for me after two years is a way of compromising the fact that we can't get married until four years after dating due to his sisters impending nuptials. If I had it my way and it wouldn't interfer, I'd gladly get married a lot sooner (like this summer).

 

No problem...I know their a little cheesy, but its a fun way to casually mention it.

 

Yeah, I totally understand. I'm certain I'd feel the same way.

So question...is it his sister that has asked that you two not do it till she's has? or is it your bf that feels you two shouldn't? and why? are you okay with it??

[ghost69]

are you in a hurry for that piece of paper to legally bind you?

[filmraven]

It's definitely my bf's idea. He seems to think that we'll be upstaging her or as he put it, "Hey look at us, we're getting married too..." like it's a bad idea. He originally asked me when I'd like to get married ideally (this was during that talk last december) and I said, "Honestly, I'd be perfectly happy to get married in a year and a half from now." (so not this summer but the next). Turns out his sister who was suppose to get married this summer couldn't book a hall so had to push her nuptials to the next year meaning we would be technically be getting married around the same time. My bf refuses to do this so says we will get married after her.

 

Personally, I'd like to get married sooner. We don't have a lot of money but I'd love to see it happen sometime next spring. My bf is aware of this but is set in his ways. I don't feel like I really have a choice.

[flower99]

Ahh...crap, so she didn't get it this summer, so you have to wait too...well that would suck. Awww...upside, you still got what matter most, your man.

would you want a big wedding, one that will take a year to plan?? or a small one, one you could wing together by this summer?

 

If you don't feel you have a choice, one idea might be to talk to his sister. Ask if she would feel like it was taking the spot light from her if you got married that summer as well? or go for a winter wedding (unless of course you have your heart set on summer)

but than again...I guess you should be officaly engaged, before you can start planning that. You're man is planning on proposing...yeah!!!

Focus on the good. and you've got a wonderful good man that you love & loves you..yey!!! (:

[filmraven]

thanks for being so helpful hun. I appreciate your advice, it's really helped.

I want a small wedding that's intimate and we both have intentions of having it in Mexico mostly bc our family is scattered accross the country anyway.

 

I feel funny talking to his sister bc I really don't know her well (I`ve met her only twice bc she lives accross the country) but I would totally settle on having a spring wedding in a warm destination (like Mexico) which wouldn`t interfer with her plans.

 

Yes! I have been trying to focus on the positive. That`s why I hate to complain about it or even bring it up bc I love my bf dearly and think the world of him. That`s mostly why I decided to ask strangers on here rather than go to friends or family. I know I`m so lucky to have met such an upstanding guy so I`m just going to have to remind myself of how happy I am by simply being able to spend each and everyday with him.

[melrich]

I don't get this. Are you engaged? Or are you waiting to get the ring before you consider yourself engaged?

 

Anyway, if I were you I would just raise it with im..."what about the ring?".

[flower99]

Oh yeah, the focus on the good part was cause I felt I might be bringing you down. So i thought I'd try to lift your spirit

Ahh...yeah if you don't know her well, i could see how you would feel uncomfortable talking to her about that.

Maybe wait until he proposes, and talk to him than. There must be some compramise. And I don't see how his sister could be bothered, unless it was in the same month. Marriage is about the two of you...has nothing to do with her. It's a promise to eachother.

It shouldn't be all about what he wants (now if his reasons had to do with him, I could understand, but it doesn't..it has to do with someone else, and I bet she's fairly mature & would understand) Compramise between the two of you...leave others out of it. He's marrying you, not his sister.

You should be his priority to please!!

I wish you happiness...Let us know how it's going...and when it happens & how. (: hugs & smiles

[filmraven]

Melrich, I'm not engaged yet. My bf bought the center diamond a few months ago but he has yet to buy the actual ring (which would then have to be fitted with the diamond). You don't think it's pushy of me to ask if he's still thinking about purchasing the ring? We did afterall find one that I really liked...so he knows it exists.

 

flower99, I will definitely let you know how things go! I'll probably end up blurbing something out this evening to him anyway after have this discussion with you. Thanks for all your help!

[melrich]

You don't think it's pushy of me to ask if he's still thinking about purchasing the ring?

 

No I don't. He said "why don't we get engaged?", then you guys bought the diamond....I think you'd be a bit nuts if you didn't ask what was going on.

[filmraven]

Thanks, I needed to hear that Melrich. It makes sense to me- I've just NEVER wanted to be one of those women that's like, "Where's my diamond ring?!!

[Alezia]

I don't think it would be too demanding to ask him.

The best way is probably to suggest if he is okay with that home-made place instead of the online ring.

It's not like you've been begging for marriage for 3 years and he has told you down each time. If you are to be married together, I hope you can find the strength to discuss it with him in a civil manner.

Maybe he has already bought it, with the statement of 'i don't have any expenses left'... you never know =P

[filmraven]

Mousty, I think I'm going to try and find the courage to bring it up tonight. Unfortunately he just called and said he won't be home for another hour so I'm hoping I won't be too tired to discuss it by the time he gets in. I haven't nagged him at all about it so I don't think it'll come out the wrong way.

 

I feel like I can talk to my bf about almost anything but when it comes to getting engaged (even though we have discussed in the past at length including searching for rings together) I still want an element of surprise at some point so I don't really like talking about it.

[Batya33]

It's good that you know your priorities - the "surprise" is more important than sitting down with the man you love and live with and talking directly and openly about it. Given your priorities, you cannot expect him to read your mind. I am sure when the proposal comes the surprise and how he asks will make the waiting and wondering all worth it and you will enjoy telling the story to all of your friends and family.

[ghost69]

do you talk in your sleep? you could act like your asleep and mumble something like "oh, it's beautiful. YES" and mumble some other stuff like you are sleeping. little hints. lol

[Alezia]

do you talk in your sleep? you could act like your asleep and mumble something like "oh, it's beautiful. YES" and mumble some other stuff like you are sleeping. little hints. lol

 

Haha, that's hillarious =)

 

It's great that you can have the patience to wait to discuss things when he is not tired. I don't have that though I wish I did.. I always blurt everything out in the worst of times. I'm pretty sure things would be better if I learnt to say things at the right time.

Although I do think the surprise is fun, killing yourself waiting isn't fun if it doesn't happen at all.

[filmraven]

you guys are funny! The weird part is...I didn't have to mumble stuff in my sleep bc I finally got the courage to ask him about it this morning. Actually, last night he was really sweet when he got home late and I didn't feel like bringing it up so I waited. This morning I very casually said, "I'm not sure if I should plant another bug in your ear but are you still planning on buying that ring?" and oddly enough he said (which I was very surprised to hear!) ,"Funny you should mention it, I was thinking about it as I woke up this morning."!!

 

The weird part is that last night jokingly, in my head, I thought "send him telepathic waves that'll remind him about the ring." I guess it just so happened to work! Or perhaps it's just a coincidence...hehe.