Tourista

You know tonight it's Friday and my CP is coming over. I have only recently accepted that he's a CP. Before that I thought he just wanted time to work through some issues. But now it's almost 4 years and we are exactly where we were 6 months into the relationship. I love him and have stayed because I thought it would work out. Now I've given myself a deadline. I have to. I want my life back. Right now, I'm sitting here waiting for him. This weekend will be great. We'll have fun, talk, laugh, maybe catch a movie or visit friends. We'll make love. Sunday, he'll go home and that'll be it until next Friday night. I want more. I want a real sharing relationship. All we have right now is a shell, a pretty shell, but a shell nonetheless. Can you tell I'm not looking forward to tonight? That will change once he shows up though. I'll be quite happy to see him. During the weekend I might think about the CP part once or twice. I try not to dwell on it. It just ruins the time we do have together. Things would be great if only... Something has happened to me with respect to our relationship since I established my deadline. First, he doesn't know about it. To be fair, I have told him that I am not happy with how things are and don't know how much longer I want to do this. He asked me to hang on, hold on. He couldn't answer me when I asked him "for how long?" Bummer. One of the most depressing realizations this week was that he's been like this since the beginning. And he knew he wasn't ready to 'get involved' but he did it anyway. That has me very bummed. I know I deserve better. But, lo, there he is knocking on my door. Here we go again.

I am curious how things are going for you? How did they turn out? What did you do about your situation? What advice do you have for someone in your shoes. Because I'm in your shoes and could use your insight.

You ladies are pretty smart. This information should be shared. There are some guys, normal, decent guys who choose to live a compartmentalized life. As his girlfriend, you get into and stay in one compartment. When you move to another (meeting face to face, real time), it don't work so well with this sort of fellow. Darn, and some of them are so cute. Vain too. But there's not much comfort in a man's vanity, unless vanity is what you want. You: want full access He wants: you in one compartment of his life only. YOu are not and will not be allowed to integrate fully with him and his life. See the pity of it? What she wants is what he flees from.

Well put!

Dear Fun Guy, The 2 words that got me were "I owe". Ah, you don't owe anything except to treat this woman and her children with compassion as you move out. I'd suggest couples therapy, but from the tone of your note, I wouldn't bet money on an intact outcome. Get a day by yourself. Get a week or 2 weeks by yourself. Have your boss send you out of town to learn some software program that no one else wants to learn but that your company needs. Something like that. While you are away, think. Think: what will make Fun Guy happy? What is Fun Guy passionate about? Why isn't Fun Guy doing things that he is passionate about? You're only 34. Don't waste your youth. Figure out what you want in life and go get it. Don't hide behind the excuse that you would have...but you felt obligated to marry this woman and her two spoiled kids. Step parenting is not for the faint of heart. And it doesn't seem like you are very into it. I think you're too immature for your arrangement. And I mean that in the kindest of ways. You still need to figure out who you are and what makes you happy. So move out as compassionately as you can. And do not move in with another woman until you know that's what you want. In fact do not get exclusively involved with a woman unless you know you are ready for a real live mature intimate relationship. Best of luck to you!

Welcome to the club Nikki. First off, you and I have been dating our bf's for the exact same amount of time. August, 2000. My bf is no more ready now than he was 1 year into our relationship. He told me that recently. He doesn't 'understand why'. He tries to 'understand why'. We spend a LOT of time TALKING about why he isn't ready. He spends therapy sessions TALKING about why he needs to stay single right now. Is this something you two do? Have you tried not talking about getting engaged or taking the next step? I tried that for 6 months. Nothing changed. He's happy as a lark with the way things are. In a way I'm glad someone is happy. But he isn't going to be happy for long. I've been depressed since 2002 and spent 2003 with a therapist who says she's seen a lot of women going through this with their bf's. Men seem to want the love, the sex, the devotion, the warm body. But they do not want to share any of the boring routine stuff that goes on in everyone's life, like laundry etc. This arrangement has made me a bit crazy. And I'm starting to not like who I've become. I was NEVER hung up on being married just to be married. But I do want to build a family that will stay together. My best hopes are with you. You are definitely not alone.

I talked with my bf this weekend about where we are going. Valentines and all...but he still says he is not ready. We have been exclusively seeing each other for 3 1/2 years and he is not ready for more than 1)seeing me every weekend 2)talking to me every night on the phone before going to sleep 3)taking me to his company functions that require a 'guest' 4)telling me he loves me 5)not seeing anyone else He has told me many times that I am 'better than a wife'. 'Way better than a wife.' I should add that I nursed this man through a radical prostatectomy. For those who don't know much about the topic, basically this operation makes it very hard for a man to get very hard. No pun intended. I have been very patient and understanding because I really love him. But I feel like he can see that I love him. I've stuck with him through this difficult period. But he still is not ready to fulfill my need to formalize our relationship. So I am now backing away. Slowly. I have made a plan to get out of this exclusive arrangement and will stick to it. I want a real committed relationship where I know he loves me as much as I love him and he knows the same thing about me. I don't want a relationship with a man who isn't really ready for a real committed relationship. Because what we have, while exclusive, is not a full commitment. It's just half of one. It's just for now. It's just present tense. I want to plan a future. He often talks about when we are 70 together but that won't be me unless he commits on his own within the next 7 months. He doesn't know about my deadline. It's my deadline for me. I am in and have been in a good deal of pain about this whole relationship. I'm 50, he's 52. We've both been divorced for over 4 years. I have a 12 year old daughter. He has 2 adult kids. They like us. We like them. But my bf is not ready. So I started thinking, if I am his fantasy woman, a woman 'way better than a wife', why hasn't he married me? And here is what I come up with: 1)He isn't ready (duh) 2)He has money issues and really wants to score a woman who's loaded. He was very direct with me when we started dating about whether I was a professional or not (I am a licensed professional. Ironically, he is not.) He said he wouldn't date anyone who wasn't a professional. That is like a flag now that I think back to it. He knows I am debt free, make a good income (more than him), don't expect him to be financially responsible for my child, don't intend to quit and stay home and eat bon bons if we ever marry. He knows all this and yet he is still not ready. I am really feeling like it's about the money. His ex-wife inherited money and is now a millionaire. He married her in less than one year from when they met. He says we are better suited than they ever were. So why isn't he ready to formalize our relationship? I get the strong feeling that if I were in line to inherit a million, he would have proposed long ago. That feeling does NOT feel good. At ALL. So I try to ignore it, but it is there. Anyway this is a long post. What I really want to ask is has anyone else experienced men who seem to be interested in how much money a woman has? Is this something that is important to all guys? I know the golddigger tag is usually associated with women, but it seems like this guy might just be one. Waiting for a woman just like me to come along except she has bucks. How do I find out if all he wants is the financial security?

For the past 3 and 1/2 years, I've been living the same kind of experience with my guy. He wants to be exclusive and wants to see me every weekend, but Sunday night rolls around and he rolls out the door. I have an empty bed. Not an empty life. But the empty bed is getting to me. Why aren't we together more? Because he 'isn't ready'. He 'needs more time.' He has been seeing a therapist since before he met me. He tells me they now discuss his reluctance to take the next step all the time. He says his therapist told him that this is what might happen. But she doesn't seem to be able to induce him to shit or get off the pot so to speak. In other words, therapy isn't helping him. He is a divorced man with adult kids who don't need him financially. He has only himself to worry about. He likes the life he lives and he has a great girlfriend that, glory be, he gets to be with EVERY Friday and Saturday...for 3 and 1/2 years. So he gets his single life, and then he gets his dosage of close comfy lovey dovey life. I have set a date when this arrangement will expire for me. I want to give him a chance so I am letting him know that I need to start considering my needs. And have suggested that if he still 'isn't ready/needs more time' by this June, then we should see a counselor. I promised I would before I ever ended the relationship and feel like I should give it a shot. We will NOT be going to his therapist. I don't think she could help. Her style is to just repeat things back and tell him that he should really think about himself. Like he ever stops thinking about himself. One of the things I've discovered in this relationship is that the man I want to partner with has got to understand and want an equal partnership. Some men (women, too I guess) are so bent on having to win all the time. This flows over into their personal lives. They have to get the best. I don't want someone like that, because I'm not like that. I want and need to have someone who really wants mutually beneficial outcomes. My advice is to set a deadline, don't tell him. It's not a deadline for him to come around, it's a deadline for putting your needs on hold for this guy. Good luck!

Three and 1/2 years is long enough for each of you to know whether you are right for each other. You know if he's right for you and he knows if you are right for him. You might not be sharing this knowledge but by now you both know. If engagement is the next step and you are ready, let him know. Life is so short. If he isn't ready, accept what he is saying. He knows if he is ready to commit to sharing a life with you and building a future. If he isn't ready, but is exclusive sexually with you and wants to keep it this way, watch out. Because that isn't what you want. You want a relationship that is based on shared feelings and values and priorities. You want a relationship that progresses. If he isn't ready, your relationship is stuck. It will stay stuck until either one of two things happens: 1) He figures out himself and gets ready or 2) You leave. He will stay in the sort of arrangement you have right now because it is comfortable for him and it meets his needs. But it doesn't meet yours. Discuss your feelings. Be honest. Let him know that this is a strong need for you and you need to think over your relationship. Because it isn't fulfilling your needs. Privately, pick a drop dead date, the date you will end things if he still isn't ready and you still want things to proceed. Do not share the date with him or he will construe it to be an ultimatum. Plan your closure to this relationship. You will grieve for what isn't going to be. You will plan to end it as compassionately as possible. No one is wrong, you're just wrong for each other right now. This is all very painful for you especially. But if you don't set some boundaries to how long you are willing to suppress your needs, then you give complete control to your guy. And if this is a partnership, shouldn't the control be shared? So you don't surrender your mind that is telling you your needs are not being met. This guy is nice, could be a lifetime thing except he isn't sure he's ready for a lifetime thing. He still needs to find himself. Men will stay on this track until they feel ready that they can commit to a relationship with you and they won't lose themselves in the process. This is a process of discovery for men and a lot of them are very uncomfortable with what comes up. If he doesn't like what he finds out about himself, you two do not have a future. In order for him to like and love you, he must like and love himself. Good luck to you both!