parnau99

Well, I'm glad you recognize you shouldn't get into furher relationships until you deal with your issues. Not everybody can see that. I have a cousin who is an admitted commitment phobe, yet he still pursues and gets into relationships, even though he knows he can never bring them to fruition. He's basically a decent human being, but he keeps breaking peoples hearts (including his own), and that's not fair. You obviously understand, but others do not. Maybe we have saved some people some emotional pain by this exchange, as others read it. I think you are correct that most CP's don't realize or understand what they are doing to others (and themselves). I don't think they are purposefully acting selfishly when they engage in relationships with others, as I guess the act of being selfish includes doing something knowingly that will have a negative effect on another. Once someone does realize they are a CP, however, and they continue to become involved in other relationships, I think this is selfish. You have realized this, and decided not to hurt another, by not getting involved in another realtionship until you have dealt with your issues. Admitting that you have a problem is a huge first step in overcoming it, and I commend you for getting real with yourself. Most people can't do that. I guess this is the reason the counselor told me never say never, but don't bet the farm on it when I asked her if my ex girlfriend could change. Evidently, you are in the minority. Thanks for the advice. I think it's correct. I will agree only to see a counselor if she calls, not resume the relationship, and I will only resume the relationship if the counselor tells me she has acknowledged the problem, and is working to overcome it.

As far as the previous two people, the first step toward fixing any problem in your life is to acknowledge there is a problem. You two seem to have done that, my former girl friend has not. My advice to you is first, don't get into any further relationships until and unless you deal with your issues. It's not fair to other people (as a matter of fact, it's pretty selfish) to let them fall in love with you if you know you can not fully commit to the relationship. You would be letting other people fall in love with you, and you know you will eventually break their heart. You would be putting your need to be in a relationship ahead of their need not to be emotionally devastated, and you don't have the right to toy with other peoples emotions like that. Get some counseling. I don't know if this can be fixed, but you have a better shot with help than without. In my particular case, I think I know the root cause of her CP. I think it's a basic human need to be in a committed relationship, and if you can't, there must be a reason for it. In her case, it's her realtionship with her father. She loves her father very much, and always has, even as a kid. The problem was her parents didn't get along very well when she was growing up, and her dad thereforeeee didn't spend much time at home. The little he did, he spent with her, but it wasn't enough. He put long hours in at work, and also had a girlfriend, which left her wanting emotionally. I think what happened is she was so hurt at the lack of attention in her relationship with her dad that she keeps an emotional distance from all relationships. If she doesn't let someone get too close, she can't be hurt too bad. It's a self fulfilling prophesy, however, because if she doesn't let someone get close, they'll sense that, and eventually move on. I believe this, even though she was married once. I read that sometimes CP's get married, but the chose someone with a fatal flaw, so they can get out if they want to. Her ex cheated on her, more than once before they got married. She married him anyway, and he continued to cheat, so she divorced him. She also kept their finances separate, and didn't have any kids, I believe, because she knew in her heart that they would eventually split. As far as me being hung up on her, well, yeah, I am. I love her, and I'm not going to be able to just turn that off. If she does call, I guess I'm just going to have to tell her I'll go to further counseling with her, but nothing else, at least at first. Maybe then consider resuming a relationship if the counselor tells me she is accepting her problem, and working to overcome it.

Of course, I agree with you, I have no control over her changing. I made up my mind a year ago that I could not subject myself to the emotional torture of another divorce, and that if she could not or would not totally commit to our relationship, then I had to move on. She was supposed to find a counselor for us, she has a friend who is one, and was supposed to get a refferal for us. I kind of let the relationship idle in neutral while she procrastinated getting the refferal. Again, I think she didn't really want to go to counseling, because she knew deep down inside what the answer was going to be, and she didn't want to hear that. I finally took the bull by the horns and contacted her friend and got the refferal. That's when the smoke screen started. The counselor saw what the real problem was, but she didn't want to hear it, so we broke up. This is where we are now. I've read that it is typical Commitment Phobe behavior that after a little time, the CP person begins to think what have I done, and wants to get back together. This is what I am struggling with right now, what to do if that call comes. If it doesn't, then I don't have a decision to make, because I'm not calling her. If I agree to do anything if the call does come, it will be to go back into counseling, either with the one we were seeing, or one of her chosing. The counselor we were seeing said this can be part of the process, because she will probably hear the same thing from a new counselor, and maybe she will believe it if she hears the same message again. I asked the counselor if change in her was possible, and if I can paraphrase, she said something like never say never, but don't bet the farm on it. So again, what I am looking for is if anyone has ever been in a relationship with a CP,and that person was able to overcome it, by counseling, or however, and totally commit to a relationship. If I get some positive feedback, then I think I will agree to further counseling if she does call. If it's just totally impossible for a CP to change, then I don't to subject myself to the pain of seeing her again, even just in counseling (because still love her). If there is no hope, the I need to not answer the phone if the call comes, and get on with my life. I love this woman very much, and if there is hope, then I would be willing to chance further counseling.

Well, I know I can't make her change, that has to come from within her. When we first started seeing the conselor, she threw up this huge smoke screen of things that were wrong with me. I think she knows, deep down, she does have a problem with commitment, and if she could throw up enough issues about me, it would cloud the real problem. Fortunately, the counselor saw through all this. The counselor said all the issues she raised about me were not the real problem, they were just her internal justifications to keep a certain emotional distance from me. So again, I know what has to happen. She has to acknowledge she has a problem with commitment, and seek help to overcome it. The question is, does anybody have any experience with this actually happening?

She's a commitment phobe, she does not have cerbral palsey.

I'm a male in my early 50's, divorced. I just "ended" a relationship of over 3 years with a commitment phobe. I know she is, not only because I suspected it, but we went to couples counseling, and the counselor confirmed it. She doesn't believe it. I put the ended in quotes, because I know it's typical CP behavior for them to want to get back together after a while. My question is, is there any hope that CP can be cured? I told her she would have to acknowledge it, and work to correct it, but like I said, she doesn't believe it. We are very compatable, and I think would make a great couple if she could jump in totally. Anybody have any experience with a CP that has overcome the problem, or is it incurrable. The answers will help me decide what to do if the expected let's get back together call comes.