Bijoux

LOL Tell that to Dako. He's been infertile by choice for decades, and content about it. Some people CAN trascend the animal instincts. There is hope. Hooray.

I've never sought for a relationship either. I've craved for one, when I was younger and it never happened. But no, I'm proud to admit that so far, I've never been desperate enough to go to link removed, or try love filters, or pay a dating service. Yeah, for me it also "happens" when I, by fluke, meet someone "special" (or that I think is special at the time)

What about gay couples that are not seeking to have any kids? What about me for example and my decision of *NOT* having babies and my fetish for guys that think the same way? I'm still struggling with the whole swamp of infatuation/love/relationship crap.

About the kiddie craze... Well just look at all those nauseating Disney movies. They contribute to make us think that the highest aspiration in this life is to find your blue prince, get married and live happily ever after. They are not harmless fun. That love crazed philosophy is poison for a young immature mind. I mean I went thru that. When I was like 7 or 8 I used to think that by age 12 or 13 I was *supposed* to get myself a first boyfriend and part of my daily routine would be writing love letters to him. I also had this effed up notion of *having to* get married and procreate, just because that's what *people do* and I was terrified. And I'm obviously not the only one. You just have to look around. We keep going all mad about love/relationship related issues, like flies smashing over and over, day after day, against a the glass of a window because they really don't know any better.

Yeah as long as you both agree and she is not having cramps, it is fine. Just remember to bring a towel, because it can be a gooey mess.

Aaaaaall humanity out there, driving themselves mad because either... A) They are in a relationship, B) They want to be in one, C) They've never been in one, D) Feel like they should be in one, E) They've just ended one... Seems like huge part of our efforts, thoughts and energies gravitate around this matter. I'd dare to say that most people are in one of this possible scenarios. Very very few persons choose to be single / celibate and are OK with it. Those are rare breed. But the rest of us... struggling with that issues since hormones start snapping in our brains. Is it a need created by society or is it something we all really need to improve our lives? This is hitting me because, looking back, since I'm about 12 there have always been "guys" present in my life. In my mind as a fantasy or in reality, as a crush, or a boyfriend, or a making-out buddy or a cyber fling. Are we as a society so relationship crazed? I mean, it seems contagious, it's everywhere! Self-help books for finding love, cheesy songs, sitcoms, magazines, ads, fairy tales, movies, toys... Phew. Wouldn't it be easier and happier to be single and have lots of friends and family, be free to be yourself and go anywhere without worrying about not covering the S.O. expectations?

Anyhoo, I think there are at least two types of validation. The one you seek just for getting out of the way and not having to hear people preaching on you, and the one that comes in the shape of compliments and stuff. The ones that are eager to get the second type, are sometimes validation junkies. They cannot live without people around reminding them how nice, pretty, talented and cute they are. If the don't have this feedback from people around, they may automatically start thinking that they are rubbish and that they are not worth it. That usually happens when you don't love yourself enough, or you don't love yourself at all, and you actually hate your own guts. Feels like the answer to all your problems and complexes is out there. That your friends and co-workers have it. That it is their job to remind you constantly how good you are, to love you, to listen to you, to forgive you and to give you their time and patience in order to mend the pieces of your broken heart. But that's noone's job, BUT YOURS. Is not your parent's job, is not your spouse's or significant other's job. No matter how much are they supposed to love you. First of all, you have to love your own self. Is not enough with only *not* hating yourself. Taking yourself too seriously can be also very problematic. Acting like the situation you are in is the worst of all, that you are a victim of circumstances and that you have the worst luck of all times is just plain lame. Life in general, is not easy. For anyone. No matter how many of the things that are supposed to make you happy in this society you have, the problems, tribulations, dilemmas, afflictions, adversities and heartaches are never gonna stop. You have the right to whine and be a Drama Queen, but to a certain extend just. Doing it for an indefinite time, 24/7 is really not gonna help improving your situation. So do whatever it takes to forgive yourself, get back on your feet and leave the drama in the past, don't turn it into a burden. It feels like we are supposed to always have the right answer, do the right decision, be brilliant and know best. That sounds good in theory, but aspiring to that is not realistic. You heroic deeds and your failures, no matter how big and overwhelming you think they are, pass, like everything else. After a while noone will remember, noone will care. So why giving it so much thought and trying to keep a perfect score to the eyes of "society"? Yeah, it's a shame to be driven by approval.

Thanks to all of you for being so upfront and honest. While this validation idea annoys me, I've also spent energies in seeking approval. Or at least, moving inside the margins of what I know is not gonna freak out people around. The parents for example. It'd be such a drag having them around with suggestions on what it's supposed to be the best for me... I avoid the nagging with all my soul but this also implies I'm limited to do things that are not gonna raise questions and an avalanche of unwanted opinions. Just like you Jen, I've lived feeling like getting the parents upset equals the end of the world. Not so. They are just people, not walking gods. They may have been gods when I was a kid, but not anymore. Do the know better? Maybe. But I'm an adult now. I'm in all my right of making my own decisions and mistakes even if it means they're gonna go mad. Ren, even if you are told that, this is just one opinion. Your mother is only a woman, not the queen of the universe. Yeah, some parents can be rather destructive. But that does not mean you have to take their crap.

Good. Fair enough. I've spent all this time worried about myself, while perhaps he is also feeling uneasy about me. He has been coming completely clean about everything so far. So have I. And still the doubts remain eh? Wish there was an easier way to prove each other that we're not fictions.

Yeah, we all react better to possitive reinforcement. But my post has nothing to do with that. I was talking about how much are you willing to sacrifice just in order to get the so called validation. Like people getting married and having kids just because that's what their parents are expecting them to. Or freshmen getting drunk til' coma just to be accepted by a group of jerks at college. Or gay guys that can't seem to get out of the closet because the family might have stroke if they see them holding hands with someone their own sex. In the end... what is more nauseating? Forcing yourself to follow the rules around in order to be accepted or ending up on your own because you're not gonna take it?

Many heartaches come from this situation. We all seek at some point others' approval. If they are cool and look content with what we are doing, or what we say we are going to do, everything feels nice and dandy. If they frown and look uneasy about your decisions, then it feels like everything is falling apart. After all, if the general opinion is that you are screwed up in the head for doing whatever you are doing or planning to do, they must be right eh? You are a trainwreck or a freak or a loser... It takes balls to go on even if everyone around is shacking their heads in disgust to your plans. It takes balls to dare to live outside the narrow margins of this society. So how bad do you need other's validation? How far are you willing to go for getting a tap in the head and a "Well done buddy!" ?

Woah the rapist factor again. I would just like to point that I came here asking for advice about AGE GAPS not about safety issues. And also, I think it's interesting how it is automatically assumed that I am the tiny helpless damsel while he is the big mean serial killer. If he came here, asking for advice about age gaps, the discussion would keep gravitating about that. I doubt people started telling him to be careful, because I might duct tape him and beath him to death. What if I was the bad guy here? Serial killer, bounty hunter, swindler, maneater, you name it. Ever gave it a thought? I just think it's beginning to get reaaaaaaaally sexist.

A huge commitment like that implies sacrifices, there's no doubt about it. Should you give up things you love? It depends on the reasons why. If you are asked to give up your pets just because the dude thinks they're "disgusting" well, perhaps he is not the guy for you. If he asks you to give up on them because he is allergic or other reason out of his control, then is different. You may not want to give up on them either, then it's time to move on and find someone who doesn't put you in that kind of predicaments. Perhaps you think the dude is worth it and then you will put him over your pets. It depends. If you do it, is not necesarily manipulation (although some guys out there can be really manipulative and capricious) I don't think you are supposed to start thinking like the other person, adopt his likes and dislikes, and change who you are and what you love just to try to be more "compatible" or whatever. If your esense doesn't harmonize with his, there's no point. Move over. Next.

LOL, Dako, you are geriatri-licious hehehehe As I said, so far I like what I see and what I read, and what I hear... A GODDAMN LOT. So far, I've got no reasons to start thinking about ropes and knives, kidnappings and serial murders. I feel like I wanna get to know him better, and yeah, I also feel like I wanna get in his pants. I'm very attracted to the old fart The fact that he is *that* age, does not stop me from keep feeling that way. I know the age factor is a dealbreaker for many people, but not for me at the moment. Perhaps in the future I'll look back and say to myself "WTEff were you thinking?!?!" but I cannot know that. And the idea of trying hard to see the future in order not to make mistakes in the present makes me so tired. I'm not trying to be a rebel here, but I don't believe in doing or not doing things just because that's not what "people" is "expecting" from you... I don't care about being politically correct. I rather come out and play Like you said, there are other dimensions that end up overpowered by the age factor, and it is not fair. Rejecting someone because of a number is just like racism (rejecting someone because of a chromatic quality). Whadayathink? Am I just being a gal? O

Thanks again, Charley. This is it (thumbs up)

Dako, I´m interested in your insight, even if you are opinionated or plain nuts, writing from some mental institution. I don´t care I do notice all your questions, and I go back to the same idea: it seems that what society likes to label as "middle age crisis" is just one more dark night in human existence. They put it like all males around 45 snap, by default at some point and start doing all that sports car, lolita crap. Not necesarily. Adolescence is also a pantload of questions. Early twenties, pantload of questions as well... Guess it´s fair to say that EVERYBODY hurts, sometime. The rest are just BS labels and clichés, that don´t even start describing it.

Dako don't do that! I wanna know what it said in there!!! That's not a generality. And obviously not true for S2S... and she is 42:

I feel like that and Im only 23. I don't see why it would hit you until you reach the fourth decade, it obviously can happen way before. That's me too. I'm desperate to make up for lost time. I do feel like I've wasted several years in nothing. I'm facing it right now. Why until 40 exclusively? Again, not only until you reach 40. That sounds like ANY kind of crisis. Perhaps it has to do with the times we're living? We feel jaded and depressed and useless much earlier in life? And wazup with the sterotypes of the cool cars and young girlfriends? They are so annoying. How true is it?

Yeah but WHY?!?!?!?!!? What triggers it? Every guy has to go thru it, like women with menopause?

I've only heard about this middle age crisis thing. In movies, sitcoms and stuff like that. But I do wonder, does it really happens? A common stereotype is that guys in their forties like to buy expensive cars and going out with young girls... How true is this? Is it some kind of male menopause or something? I mean, in women I get it, there are hormonal trainwrecks that drive them nuts but... guys? What is it? Andropause perhaps? That they get to a point in life where... what? They realize they haven't achieved everything they thought they would? So they go mad and... LOL OK enough with the silly suppositions... Tell me everything you know!! *** I AM SPECIALLY INTERESTED IN HEARING THE MIDDLE AGED GUYS ***

Yep. That's why I mentioned: Wide open heh

OK, after an hour of emotional barfing, churning guts and utter paranoia, I thought of something that makes sense (at least to me): In contrast to the "authoritarian" (IMO) statement made by BSBH (that basically is saying that guys in other countries you meet online are all potential pimps/kidnappers until I can hire Interpol to do an intensive research on the dude): The fact that I feel fond of they dude for now, does not mean that my reasoning is clouded. Luckily I'm not the kind of guy that lets the sentiments rule over the reason, as you can see from this post *wink* I don't expect anyone to agree with me, but personally, I cannot go thru life assuming that everyone is some kind of criminal until I can prove it wrong. I choose to keep my eyes open and assume that people is innocent until proven guilty. Even with all the paranoia and gory news in the air.

Wow. I think I'm gonna be sick. Thanks I guess.

He... well, both of us, have slightly toyed with the idea of meeting and all the obvious hanky panky, but the truth is, for now I have other plans and stuff going on. I cannot ask for several days of permission on my job in order to be with him, if he came, and I definitely can't fly to the other side of the world since I would have to give a damn bunch of explanations, and that's a price I'm not willing to pay really. Plus, my savings are destined for other stuff. And he cannot fly here just for a coffee so... It's definitely not the time for me. BUT; this is great: "make himself somewhat vulnerable to you as well" A piece of advice I'll definitely consider if we ever get to meet. =D>

Arrghh I know. I just wonder when do you stop having valid concerns and being careful and start getting paranoid. There's a very thin line... And I don't have an X Ray view to see who's a weirdo and who's not... I'm trusting my gut here and he seems like a good guy. I don't feel uneasy or like he is trying to use me... but then again I can be awfully wrong and end up choped up in a garbage bag? Gawd... I don't like implying that about him, after all the things we've said... And also, and sorry for getting cynical here... but why would a weirdo invest so much money in kidnapping some girl in the other side of the world while he can kidnap local ones much more easily and without spending all that $$$?