studbaker99

ok, this is in a relationship I described partially in another thread, but I'll give some background history so we can place the events properly. Suffice to say we went out on a couple of dates, but she didnt want anything serious, so we moved to friends with benefits (FWB) and then we slowly progressed to actual friends (hah!) and we hung out so much that eventually she just told me I was her bf. I've hung out at her house (she lives with her parents) so they're already used to the idea that I'm with her. But, we're still running under the 'its not serious' premise. the only reason why I stress that, is because one of hte reasons why she didn't want to get into a relationship in the first place, was because she didn't want any drama. She is pretty chill, relaxed, laid back, adventurous, fun, outgoing. She can motivate people and take charge as well as sit back and follow the lead. It's one of the things I enjoy in her. Now, having said that, she can also be a bit bossy, or in her words, overbearing. Many times when we're together and she asks me to do something, she'll use the imperative 'go buy this book,yah yah!' rather than 'can you please ..' or 'would you..' but she'll say it in a way that's excited and fun so for the most part you kinda roll with it. I don't mind it, most of hte times. But the other thing she does, is that she doesn't thank very often. And there are times when I am having a bad day, and the combination of her 'bossy/excited' commands and her lack of displaying gratitude does get to me. Oh boy, I'm having flashes of my ex gf!! In the 8 months we've hung out, twice (ok, three times) I have brought up to her the issue of how her behavior was making me feel. All three times, she acknowledged me, but imediately pulled away emotionally. The first time, it was really early in the relationship, and she almost completely pulled away, but through a mutual friend, I was able to talk to her and we cleared the air. The second time, around a month ago, it was the same thing (feeling down, her being a bit too bossy, it getting me bothered), and she imediatelly in the phone conversation said 'lets take a break', and I was like, 'what??' , and apparently she meant a break from harassing me(a playful word in this case), so for the next 2 days, our chat conversations or text conversations were really stilted and she just had this low energy mood when talking to me on the phone. But I know that if she was talking/chatting with other people, she'd be like 'YAH!!!! Go for it' normal self. This was on a wednesday, I was in pain at aloss as to what this whole 'break' thing was on thursday, and then morning friday the same, but later that day she asked me to join her to help her do homework, and it's as if things were 90% back on track. Over the weekend, things got back to normal. We didn't discuss anything about this matter whatsoever. The third time, it was just this tuesday. I was feeling a bit sad/depressed, she told me she was talking to this guy on campus , I got jealous and when I do that, everything is clouded. She was oblivious to it of course, and I didn't want to challenge her on the jealousy issue, attributing that to just my paranoia and telling myself to trust her on this one. She asked me to do something, she was really stressed about, cuz the deadline was the next day, and so we were both trying to figure it out, in the end nothing could be done, but we spent a good time looking at hte problem. She didn't thank me. (this was online, her at her home, me at mine). I confronted her. I tried to make it light, and just point it out. She was a lot more open this time around, and acknowledged the point. But she cut it short saying she had a headache and she had to go sleep. The next day (I'll usually get in touch with her through text or IM in the morning) wham, a bit of a cold shoulder/ one worded responses to my chats. Okay, we've been through this before. But it still hurt like a female rabid dog. I sporadically IM'd her here and there, she was a lot more engaging than the time before, but stil cold. Later at night she had a meeting for her campus organization, and I texted her saying I was sorry, it was my fault, I was a jerk. She replied in text saying that I was stupid(we call each other stupid as a term of enderament) cuz she was telling me I had all the right to expect some appreciation, to which I replied that I still felt some guilt because when I get in a bad mood, I'll interpret things wrongly, or worse than they are, so my own view clouds things and is not her fault for that. (this was all through text message). After the meeting, she calls me up, and tells me all of this again, and I tell her my side of the story too. She again tells me that she's gotta take a break from bugging me, but , to my relief, she says that "you know, i've done it before, it wasn't so bad" - i like it when people tell me that its gonna be like before , and it has a deadline to this behavior. The next day, yesterday(thursday) , we had to go buy a gift for a common friend who just turned 21, so we met up during lunch hour, things were still a little bit cold. After her work, she came to my house, and there we were a lot more playful, and we were touching, sitting with our legs crossed with each other's, etc, intimate, but not sexual. This morning, she IM'd me first (usually I'll be the initiator), and I felt we were pretty open as far as communication, except when I tried to flirt up a bit, she seemed to ignore it. So that leads to where we are right now - she might come to my house, we'll go to the birthday dinner, then she takes off to some bachelorette, while im left alone to my own devices. I'm hoping by tonite we'll be back to full intimate, because I feel like that barrier is still there, I'm not sure if it's imagined or not. If history is lesson, usually the weekends she'll stay over at least one night. Now, that was a LONG story and if you read it all, congratulations In case you noticed, there has been some progress towards her reaction when I bring things up that bother me. It has been much softer reaction. In case you noticed, there has been no attempt to try to talk about it afterwards. I'm not sure exactly how her 'conflict resolution' program works - does she just pull away and give it a couple days before everything is back to normal? I myself like to sit down and talk but sometimes I'll talk out of my ear with no resolution in sight. I'm really just at a loss about her behavior. I'd like to chalk it up to her 'no drama' credo, put together with 'its not serious' thought, but other explanations would be more than welcome.

definitely tell now. The sooner he knows, the more time he'll have to heal. If your friend keeps stringing him along till he comes back (and, when is this going to be, with the current state of affairs), I think the heartbreak will be bigger, because on the way back he'll have much higher expectations of things to happen, vs now, when everything has been pretty much online/over the phone, and thus has an aura of a dream.

It's a bit of a weird situation , mostly hinged on the fact that "its not serious". Because "its not serious" I feel I can't quite harp on her much on jealousy issues. luckily, I haven't had to much. We enjoy each other's company, we spend a lot of time together, and as the months pass I have seen a crack in her armor as far as keeping it 'not serious'. For instance, these past couple weeks we have been doing a lot more of holding hands than ever before. It's quite a progress. She's become more affectionate. Even tho this particular ad she replied to was a suggestive one implying potential for NSA fun, to her, and the way I see it, it was merely a way of going out, meeting some new people, and most importantly, enjoying a concert. She has responded to ads for women asking for a date to go to concerts just as well, so I know she doesn't see these as avenues to cheat. A few months ago, earlier on, she used to hang out a lot with these friends who were openly swingers, and although tempted, she didn't do anything then either. The FWB either from me or from her, happened before we became officially exclusive. So far nothing else has happened (that I know of - i.e. the email I snooped) but she can definitely push the limits of what I'm used to as far as not cheating since she's way more outgoing and friendly and touchy feely, and I'm the stranger, quiet, mellow dude in the back. Right now, friday night, I'm feeling VERY insecure - because I perceive these contacts as independent streaks of hers, and when these things happen (a couple times now - the feeling, not the contact - and it's the times when I felt like she might be hiding something) I don't know what her plans are or if I'll be part of them. Really drives me crazy. She'll sometimes talk to other people about how "I'm going to x", rather than "We're going to x". I know, I know, like I said, its not a rock solid relationship, but I have to say for what is worth, its been a wild ride, and one of the best months of my life so far. My whole intention starting off as FWB was to just enjoy it and go along with the flow, but feelings do get involved, and I'm really becoming attached. My only hope is that she's becoming it too. Tis best to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Well, I have never been in a 'friends with benefits' situation before, and earlier this year (February/March) when I met these two girls, I found myself involved in two. FWB is something that perhaps one always dreams of having (like, a threesome with two girls) but it's not something that when it happens, your ethical/relationship values fully accept. When I first got together with girlA, I wanted (as I do now) to develop into a relationship, and because girlA wasnt/isnt into any serious, I wasn't going to be attached to something/someone who didn't want that exclusivity. So I'm not clear exactly how I feel guilty, and if I do, how I am projecting it into her. The emails I read are quite real, and they speak of both my girl and this guy-from-the-past to hook up again for fun, and I'm not talking about playing cards. Granted, he has been the one to come forth, and she hasn't exactly thrown herself at him in his email, but in my eyes 'expressed interest/curiosity' at his offer. (something along the lines of "gosh I been so busy with school, work, chilling, but whats your schedule looks like, I dont have mine handy".) This can be explained by for instance another kind of events (that she has told me about) - she will go to craigslist and respond to ads for people who for some reason or another couldnt get a date to go to a concert. Last minute cancellations and stuff. One such ad was from some guy who was looking for some 'hot brunette' for the concert, but that he was open to some 'sexy no strings attached fun' if the mood striked right. Well she replied to those ads, and the guy asked if 'she was open minded and chill' (more like 'are u willing to make out/have sex if things go that way') to which she replied indirectly 'im always down for a good time'. Bear in mind that she did show me this interaction and said to me 'well nothing else needs to happen, I just want to go to a concert'. In that light, her email to him so far can be still innocuous. What isn't as much is what may have happened in June with this guy. But at the same time, it's almost a moot point since other than that, I have been quite happy with how things are going, and "unfortunately", she still says 'its non serious' and she has mentioned every so often that if I find someone else I click with completely, I should go and try explore, and the same will apply to her. So this qualification makes it kinda okay that for the time being since we're not really serious-serious, her escapade (if indeed existed) almost doesn't bother me. She's attentive and we have lots of fun, and sex is great and I know I please her. I know it doesn't make sense, but damn, now I almost seem to be defending her

I almost always have the phone on vibrate. I absolutely detest with a passion that makes my blood boil (ok, im exagerating a bit here) when you have those REALLY loud ring tones, and then the person has it in the purse and they have to dig in and pick it up. When I don't have it on vibrate, I select a discrete simple ringtone, like beep (pause) beep kinda-deal, and my phone allows the option to increase in volume as it keeps ringing. This way, even if I have the phone ringing, if it's right in my pocket, I dont have it automatically playing some tune really loud.

no she doesn't know i was/am able to read her email. Obviously if I call her on it she will know that I might have read something somewhere, so I *suppose* the 'trick' would be to just broach the topic as if we're having a conversation about nothing and it gradually progresses into more serious relationship discussion, like perhaps, blah blah blah , you know i really enjoy being with you, the sex is great, have you been with anyone else since we've been together? OK, I feel a bit hypocritic myself - something I need to let out - the whole story goes as follows, we started off dating, but after a couple dates it she told me she didn't want anything serious, but we were attracted to each other, so we became intimate on a regular basis, under the 'friends with benefits' clause. Right about when I started dating/being 'friends with benefits' with her, I also met someone else, and for a couple of times we also were intimate. Technically it was perfectly 'legal' - to be honest, the only reason I even hooked up with this other girl was because the first girl just wanted 'friends with benefits' and I wasn't going to restrict myself to her/for her if she wasn't willing to go the extra step, even tho I wanted/had in mind to go exclusive. Me and the second girl went out on a couple dates, but we figured out we were in different stages of life and well, huh, we also became friends with benefits for a very short while. Plus I was really interested on the first girl anyway. So I suppose if I could fool around, so can she, except that her little adventure was way later, when we were literally hanging out every day, and just days before we(she) declared I was her bf. I guess I deserve what I got - assume she's not flirting or more STILL... Tying back to the 5% i don't know of her life, I'd say I know just about everyone she interacts with on a regular basis, and every once in a while, she'll have 'something to do' which I always get the feeling it has nothing to do with the regular friends. Not that I go and check with all of them, but when she comes back, it's like something private/silent she isn't forthcoming to share like 'yah i was with such and such and s/he said this blah blah blah' kinda deal. That's what makes me a bit suspicious.

perhaps not cheating, but we hang out a LOT and I am privy to 95% of what goes on in her life. But there's 5% that I do not know. And for instance, there are times when we aren't hanging out together, and I'm not sure where she is, that makes me wonder... well yes I am naturally jealous, I'll admit to that...

this is the classical 'lover snoops around email/drawer and finds potentially incriminating evidence that the other lover might have cheated'. The problem tho, is that if this indeed happened, it was before we became bf/gf in the official sense of the word, but we had been hanging out fairly steady for 4-5 months already. (we've been a total of 8 months hanging out now), so technically we weren't yet exclusive. Now what happens is that apparently this person just contacted my gf asking to 'play again'- the 'again' triggered my curiosity, so that's why i snooped some more and found some more correspondence going on back in June, that something may have happened. I can't quite confront her because I found this out through snooping in her email account. It does disturb me that she may have frolicked with another guy while de-facto-exclusively dating me. But it irks me more that she as of yesterday replied to the guy in a friendly tone, and inquiring how his schedule was looking like. I'd like to talk to her later today and tell her that I trust her, and that I care for her, and basically remind her that 'hey im here, im real' and hopefully her email conversation will end there innocently. But part of me also doesnt trust that she'll do such a thing and I want to snoop some more and delete his email and try to curb temptation that way. I know one evil does not beget another, but I can be really inscure. What to do??

I haven't been here for long and I didn't read alll of the posts on this thread. Having said that, I do empathise on feeling liek you've struck rich and you're wondering how you found yourself such a hottie. I've been there, done that, and now I'm glad I'm out of it. Studies have shown that couples are happier when both are of the same 'attractiveness level'. You will _always_ be concerned about her being a hottie, and being hit on by guys wherever she goes, and you dont have that similar attraction pattern on your side, so of course you'll feel powerless, and off balance in the relationship. Granted, this isn't any sort of advice to make things work, but I hope it will at least increase the understanding of your insecurities over her.