SolitarySoul

Thank you Aymee-Lee & Ash for replying to my post......... Truthfully Aymee-Lee I don't know what responses I was looking for, maybe just someone elses thoughts/opinion to help put things in perspective again. Ash, what you have said makes a lot of sense. I certainly believe she seeks acceptance from as many people as she can. I have also come to believe that she possibly immitates the people who she is around at the time, and that's why I thought she was very similar to myself. With the men she is seeing at the moment I do agree that she will try to be what she thinks they want her to be . I am very disappointed in myself that I miss being around this type of person. Maybe I am kidding myself but I always thought she was more relaxed and enjoyed being around me. When I saw her last she did say that she hoped we still could be friends. I have considered contacting her to ask her and my ex work colleagues for a drink sometime, but I don't know what to do. Part of me feels as though i'll always believe that she lied to me, but then i think i might be cutting of my nose to spite my face when a friendship has been offered. I'm still so confused over everything that happened & I don't really know what to do for the best. I certainly wouldn't like it to look as though i'm still trying to pursue her when the main thing i miss are the friendships. If that's what they really were. I would like to think that if she meant it when she said she hoped we could still be friends then maybe one day she will contact me. Maybe that's just wishfull thinking though. I think I'm just still very sad as at the very least I thought i had found a good/true friend. Thank you both for your replies, they mean a lot to me thank you

Hello I'm so sorry for coming back with the same problem, I really do think I have some kind of issues that need help dealing with...... Basically about 8 months ago i left my job of 14 months. I decided to leave my job as i had strong feelings for someone i worked with. This person was my manager and was also female. During my time working there we got on great together and i classed her as a good friend. Throughout this period I'd never mentioned my sexuality but i'll always be certain she knew that i liked her (by what i'd say & do along with the whe way i looked at her) Anyway it wasn't long after i'd started the job that she started to make it pretty damn obvious she was attracted to me. I keep on pointing this out, but there is no way a completey straight person would have done or said the things she did. It was only ever to me & never to any of the other females in our workplace so it wasn't just a case of that was the type a person she is. So, to cut a very long story short i left my job and not long after I told her how i felt about her. Well things turned very bad and she would no longer even speak to me. She had told everyone what i had told her without even speaking to me frst. Afterwards i forwarded a letter to her apologising but said unless she ever looked me in the eyes i coudn't take full responsibility for thinking what I did. She never did get back in touch. I hadn't seen her for about six months until November when I had to go and see her regarding my work. I'd heard through a mutual friend that she may have saidsomething to a prospective employer. When I went to see her she was like she had always been with me. She promised me that she would never have said anything bad about me. I know this is crazy, but whilst I was there she was looking me up and down in an obvious and kind of sexy way. I said to her i wish i could believe that she hadn't had a clue and i asked 'so the thought of me and you never once crossed your mind' She looked at me and said no, but i really don't believe her. Don't get me wrong I do accept what she says because that's obviously what she wants me to believe. Last week, I met up with a mutual friend who i used to work with. I meet up wih this person every month or so. When we were out the conversation turned to this person and she told me that she 'really doesn't get on with her anymore' Apparently, she is sleeping with about three blokes and has said she wants an open relationship. I can't believe this is the same person at all.............I was sick later that evening. This person is in their 40s and I am 27. When I knew her she had told me that it took her a very long time to be intimate with someone and it should always be a friendship first. This was one of the reasons I thought the world of her. She also told me that she had only ever slept with three people in all her life. One of these was her ex husband of 13 years, the other was a woman and the third was a man she had been having an affair with for the pat 7 years. This man was the owner of the company who she only ever saw once in a blue moon. There were many times she told me how the sex was rubbish and how the sight of a naked man made her feel sick. I'm the first to admit that this whole situation from beginning to end has really made me ill. I've been depressed for about 8 months and just recently i have had to tell the only friend i had left that I can't contact her anymore. When I used to work there we all used to go out for drinks or a night out. But since I left that all stopped and there was only this one person who kept in touch with me. Everytime I meet up with this mutual friend it brings back so many memories for me, Like how i gave up a job that i really did enjoy & how i miss everyone i used to work with. Not only that but everytime I see her I learn new things about this person and it only gives me more things to think about. The person she describes sounds like a completey different to the one i used to know. To this day I still miss her so so much and although she said she hoped we could still be friends when I went to see her, i know she will never contact me. Since my other friends have found out that I am gay, they keep trying to get off with me. Even though i tell them that i still have feelings for this other person and I'm just not like that, they don't seem to understand. The last time I went out with this mutual friend I ended up crying in the toilet. I thought she was listening to me and then she started to kiss me. Not only that, but her sister has told me she thinks she is also bi, but no one knows. This mutual friend brings her sister everytime we meet up and she just won't take no for an answer. Because of this and everything else that is going on with me I have now decided to cut all contact. I have absoloutely no one left which I can live with, but i have so much hurt inside of me. I still think of this other person every day & now I'm not sure if that person ever really existed. This friend said this person seems really happy at the minute & that makes me a little angry. When I think of the way she treated me it's as though she desn't even give a damn. I know many people will probably say I'm just better of moving on from it all, and i do understand that. But there are so many things that i wish i could make sense of & forget about. I'm sorry that if this seems al over the place I just needed someone to talk too. Thank you

Hi there, Before I even begin I know this post is going to go on forever but I truly do hope someone out there will take the time to read and try to understand me. I believe that whatever happens in life 'happens for a reason' or at least i used to. I'm at a point where i really don't know what to do anymore and would really appreciate some good advice. THANK YOU (in advance)...........if you ever get to the end that is Just over a year ago i started a new job which was the best thing that ever happened to me. I knew from day one that i was going to enjoy working there and needless to say i loved it. Before starting this job i'd been working from home for quite some time and when i got this evertyhing seemed to change for the better. Although i had a few friends i didn't go out or see them that often. Mainly because everyone i knew enjoyed different things to me and rather than spend nights out in clubs I'd prefer to stay at home. hat probably sounds sad The new job I found seemed to bring everything i'd been looking for. Not only did i enjoy the job itself the people i worked with all seemed great. Everyone was female and there was only about half a dozen of us so we got to know eachother pretty well. As well as working together we'd all have girls nights out. When I first started my job there was someone who instantly caught my eye. In fact this was the day of my interview. I don't know why but all i kept on thinking was it seems as though she was staring at me. She seemed kind of strange but in a nice mysterious way. Although there were three people in on the interview (including me) it was as though her eyes never left me. She didn't speak much in the interview and when i left i just got a strange feeling. Briefly it did cross my mind that she may have been gay/bisexual. So on my first day at work I learned I would be working for this person and she would be my manager. Although I was pleased, it wasn't because I thought she might be gay/bisexual she just looked like an interesting person to get to know. In the first couple of weeks I started to realise that I was attracted to her. At this point I wasn't fully sure myself but inside I was just really happy with everything in my life. New job, new people/friends and someone who made me feel good. All I knew was this person was divorced and single. Even though I knew I was attracted to her the only thing I wanted to do was get to know her as a person/friend. I didn't even ask myself 'could she be attracted to me' In the first month I had to go away for a few days to head office for training. A new lady had also sarted at the same time as me so we went away together. I only worked part time as i also worked from home too but this woman was full time. This was the first time in years i'd been away & i was geting paid for it too. On the journey down there she 'let slip' that our manager (who i will call N) was having an affair with the owner of the company. If i'm honest i was pretty gutted......I couldn't help but think i really thought she was gay/bi. I know i didn't have much to go on but i remember they way she looked in my interview & i know this sounds mad but her appearance also made me think she was. By now i'd also had the chance to get to know her a little and i really liked what i knew of her so far. Although i was gutted at least now i knew i was way of track and it had just been my own wishful thinking. Inside i was a little sad, but I was so pleased that i got the job and had far more than i'd ever had. I didn't let on to her that i was gutted i just acted shocked as she thought i already knew about the affair. On the same night whilst we were eating this person said 'I think there's something strange about N' As soon as she said this i just knew what she was about to say and when she did i again just acted surprised. She told me that she thought N might be gay/bi. She said whenever she was around N she made her feel awkward. She even went on to say that her husband (who had only met N once) had told her to be careful around her. According to this woman apparently N had a thing about Audrey Heburn, and to be honest they both had that look about them. When she told me to watch mysef 'inside I was over the moon' it wasn't just me who thought this and was I right in thinking all that i did. Obviously I didn't tell her all this as i didn't want people knowing i was attracted to my boss. Anyway, although i was 'over the moon' to hear this I know this didn't give me the right to presume N would be attracted to me even if she was bisexual. Not long after we got back this new woman left the job, but it didn't have anything to do with the above. So far this was only about a month into the job, & I was just finding my feet and getting to know everybody including N. I'd say it all really started when one night N mentioned she'd had a bisexual experience in the past. My reaction was one of interest whilst laughing but when I asked her to tell me more she would just laugh and shake her head. In a good way though. Again this was a good thing as i now knew she was 'open minded' but i couldn't presume she was attracted to me too. Other little things would happen that would confirm the above and i would question whether she was doing it for my benefit. She would talk of which female celebs she would love to spend a night with. Although I tried to keep my feet on the ground as time passed by I started to question whether N was interested in me. Lots of things would happen and she would say certain things that made me question everything. Whenever the subject of two women together came up i would always see her looking at me out the corner of my eye. I'm sure she could see i was hiding something. Although I never mentioned my sexuality to anyone, I'm 110% sure she knew i was attracted to her. N and I had to go away for work. I remember one night her saying to me that she was worried people back home might think she's gay because she's never seen with a man. I said who cares what people think. Although she said she was worried, she didn't sy it in a worried way if that makes sense. Later that evening she asked if I had my eye on anyone. I was TOTALLY unprepared for that quetion and just answered 'no nobody' whilst quickly looking out of the window. At that point i think i may have given myself away a little........... Another night when we had finished eating she looked at me and said 'shall we go to bed now' she paused and carried on whilst laughing with 'i mean to the hotel' 'to sleep' .....'i mean to the hotel, to sleep in separate beds, not together' We both just sat laughing. I really enjoyed working with N. Not only did we have many things in common she wasn't one for big nights out and seemed to enjoy similar things in life to me. The more I got to know her the more we seemed to click. Sometimes it was as though i knew exactly what she was thinking and vice versa. She would often talk about the guy she was having the affair with. She would tell me how the sex was rubbish and she didn't know what she saw in him. One minute she would love him the next she would be hating him and she hadn't even seen the bloke in months. He lived in another part of the country and would only see him a few times a year if that. I would always tell her she deserves so much better. If there was a statue of a naked man or something similar resembling a mans body part she would tell me how it made her feel sick. There were so many other things that happened or were said that gave me the impression she was trying to let me know something. Whenever we were together there would be certain looks, touches etc etc She would also mirror me and say the words i'd only just spoken. As i lived in a different town i would have to drive into work. On nights out we would have she would say that i could stay at her place. I always refused (which i'll try to explain later) but she would also say she didn't want her friend staying at hers who she had known far longer than me. She'd say she can stay in the holiday cottage i don't want her sleeping on my couch, yet they got on really well together. After one night out she told me how she used to go naked jogging with her husband & i couldn't believe it. I said what happened to you N you seem to have changed a lot. She told me that nigh she would try anything once. I said good and i'm sure we both knew what we were meaning. As you can imagine by the length of this already i'd be hear all night if tried to list everything she said and did that gave me the impression she was attracted to me too. There is far more, but i'm sure you guys can get the picture. From what i gathered from N, I think she had & did suffer from depression for a number of years. I think she had been bad with her nerves at one point and was even hospitalised. Sometimes I did get the feeling that N made things up or made things out to be more than what they were. This affair had supposed to have been going on for a number of years. When I talked with another collegeue they told me that they wouldn't be surprised if it had only happened once and she makes it out to be far more. When I heard that N probably goes home at night and cries herself to sleep, it broke my heart. I asked this person to always stick by N & be there for her. She had known N for a few years & they seemed pretty close. The thing is though when N wasn't around stuff would be said and i didn't like it. It would also be said about others too...I guess it was just women being a bit * * * * *y but everyone i worked with knew I didn't get involved whoever it was about. I did have very strong feelings for N, but most of all i just wanted her to know that there would always be someone there for her.........just as a friend. I could never say this whilst I worked there..........especially working for her. There were many times I think she wanted someone to go shopping with or go to the theatre or something. I wanted to go with her or suggest something so much but I was scared that i'd end up saying something to her. Whilst it felt as though N was doing most if not all of the flirting I knew she would never come right out and say something. In my mind it was as though she was sending the signals so i would make some kind of move or say something if that mankes any sense. On a number of occasions i really did think something was going to happen between us. Because it got to the point where i was certain 'something was going to happen' that's when i got scared. I couldn't have wished for anything more but because we worked together I didn''t wantanyone feeling awkward. I even told myself that IF i had got it all wrong, things would be okay as I knew she wouldn't be offended from all what she'd said to me before. And if I had got it wrong maybe it would be best for me not to be working around someone who i had strong feelings for and who didn't feel the same. Iit felt as though i was living some kind of lie & most of all I just wanted to be truthful. I kept telling myself how could i be a friend to N when I'm hiding something like this from her. Not long before i handed my notice in, a guy from this training company came to visit our store. It was a two day course and he was a practitioner in NLP. I'd always been interested in NLP, body language, paraphrasing, mirroring and human behaviour. This night i got talking to him and he said he thought there was something troubling me. He kept going on, and i did tell him there was but i didn't really want to talk about it (in a friendly/jokey way though) (At this point everyone knew i was thinking of leaving my job) He kept asking why i was leaving and that everyone was going to miss me. I told him that enjoyed learning about NLP and whilst i don't talk as much as some people i'm more of an observer. (i bet your thinking if your writings anything like your talking that's a load of bull **** Anyway he said i know you are & i can tell you read people very well. He also said that if i wasn't open with my feelings no one would ever get to know the real me...................whilst i didn't want to tell him what was on my mind inside i already knew what i was preparing to do. Sorry i just thought i'd mention this as it's a bit ironic to my story. So after 14 months and so much thinking i decided it was time to leave my job. When I told N I was leaving she didn't want me to go and refused to accept my resignation. I think she knew I was serious though. It was one of the haredest decisions i've ever had to make but i though i was doing the right thing. I thought that if i'd said something to her whilst still working there and i had got it wrong she may feel bad working around me especially when there was only ever four of us at any one time. And if i had got it right it would also be awkward working together too so the best decision i came up with was to leave. Even though i was leaving we all still planned to meet up for the nights out we used to have. N said that if i ever wanted to go back there would always be a job there for me. Although i was really sad to be leaving it felt as though a weight was going to be lifted. Deep down i guess i didn't want to leave, but i told myself it didn't matter where i'd end up working next as i'd made some good friendships here and one day i might even be able to come back............... I am so sorry this is long, but thank you for getting this far............ In the back of my mind i told myself i would tell N on my last night that we all had planned. That night came and went so fast and although i had the chance to talk with her i bottled out for a couple of reasons. On the way back i had to get a taxi home so N said I could wait for it at her place. On other nights out I always got the feeling that she wanted me to say something but tonight seemed different. Not only did i get the feeling that she didn't want me to say anything i thought that maybe it wasn't a good time especially when i'd just left work. I got home that night and felt really sad. I'd given up a job i loved so much so i could be truthful with someone yet I was still living a lie. Over the next few days it was constantly on my mind 'what had i done' I was back working from home and had nothing to look forward to anymore. I'd spent months thinking of what am i supposed to do & when I finally come to a decision i didn't even follow it through. I knew I would see N and the others again but i didn't know when. Part of me felt as though i'd not only let myself down but i might have let N down too. One night i decided to send N a message. In the message I told her my feelings for her & why i had left my job. I went on to say that i thought she might have felt the same but to forgive me if i got things wrong. I went on to say that i hoped she would still see me as the person i always was......a friend. I also apologsed for letting her know in this way but i just needed to tell her. I waited all that night but i got no reply. Another day passed by and still nothing. By now i knew there was something wrong, really wrong. I don't know how but a few more days passed without anything so i tried to call her............. when i tried to call her it came up with 'call not allowed' Three words i don't think i'll ever forget. I couldn't believe this was happening. I was really worried, scared & hurt. The only thing i could do to contact her was go and see her. I drove for 30 minutes to her house. When i got there i rang her door. When she answered she seemed okay but when she heard my voice she went really quiet. Her voice sounded a little shakey and she said she didn't know wher i got the idea from. I said i was really sorry and asked if she would just talk to me and let me explain but she wouldn't let me in. I didn't see her face to face we only spoke through an intercom. She said one of the girls from work was going around and asked for me to leave. I asked if they knew at work but she said they didn't. I said i would leave but i asked if she would please just contact me and she said she would. The next day i received a text from her saying 'i don't have any feelings for you, please don't contact me again' I couldn't believe this was the same person. The same person who certainly came accross as 'open minded' and had spent months giving me the impression she was attracted to me. It was hard for me to understand why she wouldn't even want to talk to me. I could handle her saying she didn't have feelings for me but to just want nothing more to do with me was soul shattering. Why would a person who clearly said they had had a bisexual experience, often talked about the subject, and gave me certain signals do this? Even if i take all that away, at the very least i thought she was my friend...........someone who i thought would have at least listened to me. A person who would have made a joke out of it and got us both laughing if i had got it wrong. My mind was a complete mess. I contacted a mutual friend/ex work colleague i had to let someone know what was going on. When i contacted her she already knew but at first acted as though she didn't have a clue. I also learned that the very next day after i'd sent my messages to N everyone i used to work with knew about what i'd said to her. Someone who had brought so much light into my life, let me down so badly. Why wouldn't she even want to speak with me. I had so much i needed say but wasn't even given the chance to. I could accept being rejected in that way but to be rejected as a person/friend truly stings. I asked the friend if she would pass a letter on to N for me which she did. I basically apologised again but said that i couldn't apologise fully unless she ever looked me in the eyes and answered my questions. I said that i was sad i was loosing her friendship and if i'd of thought for a second i was offending her i'd have never said anything. I said that if i ever did see her again i hope she wouldn't ignore me and i would always smile or say hi. I also promised not to contact her again. She never did contact me. I stayed in contact with the mutual friend though. That was eight months ago now and i feel as though i'll never be the same again. Not long after all this happened i got a job close to where i used to work. I was there for a couple of weeks and they said they'd contact me when they needed me to work again. When no one called me i telephoned them and left a message to see when i would be needed next. A couple of days later i received a message saying they were okay for the foreseeable future. I put this down to last in first out, & I thought well if they not going to even bother to call me wouldn't really like to work for a person like that. In the meantime i'm back working from home trying to put myself back together. I back feeling sad as i have no real friends, social life or job to get me out and about. Although i'd like to work away from home everything about me has been knocked. I feel i have nothing to give anyone. When i do go out i don't have anything to talk about and i feel so disconnected from the world. For three months on the exact same date of each month i receive strange messages on my phone. One is a message of three words. It sounds like N and they mention the same name N was having the affair with. Then just hang up on answerphone after three words. The next month I receive a blank text/sms message from the same number, the month after i get another blank message. All these messages come through on the 18th of each month. The 18th was the only date in the entire calendar month that connects me to N. This was the date i started my job. I don't understand why a complete stranger would keep my number for three months only to send me 3 word messages and blank texts on the same date. I hope and pray it may be N trying to make some odd kind of contact. Four months of hoping only to find out it was a complete stranger in another part of the country. God only knows why did they have to pick my number out of them all. A coulpe of months back i did see her one night and she smiled and said hi. She was with a few of my other ex work colleagues and although everyone said hi not one of them even bothered to come and talk to me. Don't get me wrong i didn't expect N to, but these were people i worked with for over a year, go out with, give lifts home and after six months of not seeing them all i got was a hi. I know now i am having a whinge and just feeling sad for myself, but all i did was have feelings for someone and be truthful yet i've never felt so alone in all my life. It feels as though i lost everything just as quick as i found it.....my job, social life, friends & someone i thought the world of. I know people who have been in relationships for years who divorce or go there own separate ways and i know i was never with this woman but it feels as though i lost more than one person. Losing friendships feels so much harder to move on from. Up until recently i was in contact with tis mutual friend. We would only meet up once a month or so, but everytime we do/did it makes me so sad and all i can do is hide it. At the very beginning this friend knew i was really hurt by it all but i think she now thinks i'm over it. But the truth is i don't think i will be for a long time. I don't really want her to know this though as the last thing i want is N thinking she got to me that much where i am depressed about it all. I also really don't want anyone feeling sorry for me which i know this person is likely to do. When i do meet up with her she tells me what they are all up to at work and it hurts me so so much. I guess it would be okay if i had something to talk about too but the truth is i don't. That job was the best thing that happened to me and also the worst. Last month I decided to go and see N as i'd heard that something might have been said to the employer who never got back in touch with me. Although there's not much i can do about people gossiping/ * * * * *ing if it concerns a prospective employer and it's not true I wasn't standing for that. When i got there she seemed surprised to see me but kind of looked pleased too. It was just before they were closing so she invited me upstairs. I explained about what i'd heard and she promised me she hadn't said anything bad about me. I said it wasn't right what someone else had said about me and i thought she may have said it too. She assured me she didn't though. It wasn't before long until the conversation turned to 8 months ago. I told her i wished i could believe that she didn't know i was attracted to her. She looked me in the eye and said she didn't. I went on to say to her 'so the thought of me and you never once crossed your mind?' again she looked at me and said no. Throughought the conversation i could see she was looking me up and down. I'm sorry if i sound crazy but that just isn't normal behaviour from someone who reacted the way they did. Although i accept what she said to me i just can't believe it. Not because i don't want to as i really wish i could, but her actions now and 8 months ago speak louder than words. Maybe it's wrong of me but i know she was/is lying. In the conversation she also said i hope we can still be friends. We parted on good terms and i thanked her for speaking with me. I did say that i would contact the mutual friend to let her know how things went............but i haven't spoken with her in over a month. She has tried to contact me, but i'm so tired of everything. I know this is going to sound selfish but with Chrstmas coming along I pretty sure that will be the topic of conversation. She will no doubt be telling me about the Christmas party for work and what everyone will be up to. Please don't get me wrong, i hope she is happy and is having a good time but i know if i talk to her or go for a night out with her i will only feel worse than i already do (if possible). Because i'm not up to much myself my mind wanders back to what i was doing last year and i was having such a great time. I know they will all be getting ready to go away for their christmas bash, is it wrong that i just really don't want to know about it because i wish i was there too. How sad is it that even after all what happened i miss everything so much it hurts. So when i meet up with ths friend it's as though everyone is having a good time apart from me, and i'm so tired of pretending everything is okay. Although this friend has been there for me and i thank her so much for that i can't help but think about what she told me a few months back. Apparently, when i'd left N's place that night (8 months back) she told this friend she thought i might do something stupid. I thank god that although i was really hurt and sad i would never have done anything to myself. What gets to me is if i had have been the type of person to try and take my own life not one of them even bothered to pick up the phone and check that i was okay. If i'd never contacted either of them for all they know i could be at the bottom of some cliff somewhere. Although i'm greatful for this one friend i have left, i do question whether it would be easier/better if I sever all contact and go my own way so to speak. Maybe that would be cutting of my nose to spite my face, but everything connected to where i used to work (even this friend) makes me really sad. When i'm not in contact although i still feel down i start to feel a little stronger by myself but when i have reminders of what i lost i feel even more alone. Even though N has said 'i hope we can still be friends' I know this 'friendship' would be just one sided, i don't think she would ever contact me just to say 'hey how you doing do ya fancy a drink sometime' All contact has only ever come from me & i don't feel there is much coming back from her side. My heart tells me if she really wnats to remain friends then that call/contact has to come from her this time. I tend to think that any other person would have said 'i'm sorry i don't feel the same way but what makes you think that i did' and if you can accept this then sure we can still be friends. I must have got something wrong as even if she thought anything of me just as a friend surely she would have been in touch with me. That's it i guess.........i don't quite know what i'm asking for here.....anything would be good right now Thank you so much for reading

Hello I'm so sorry for posting on this particular board. Whilst the thought of ending my life has been on my mind I don't believe it is something i would ever do. I suppose like some people i just honestly don't care if i didn't wake up in the morning. I know where all this stems from and it is because i have allowed the actions of other people to affect me in the way i have but no matter how hard i seem to try it is constantly on my mind......... Please forgive me as i know there are people out there with major problems in their lives who do want to end thier pain so I am sorry for the long post i'm about to write......... Six months ago i decided to leave my job as i had feelings for someone i worked with. This person was my manager and she was also female. I worked with her everyday for over a year and we got on great together. She was open minded and often talked of bisexual experiences she'd had in the past and how she would be open to the idea again. Although this didn't give me the right to presume she was into me, as time passed by she certainly gave me the impression she was attracted to me too. At the very leat I truly believed i'd found a true friend. It got to a point where i was certain something was going to happen between us and although i wanted it too, it made me feel uncomfortable working alongside her (especially because she was my manager). It always felt as though she was waiting for me to make some kind of move but i knew i couldn't. I knew the only way i would ever say anything was if i was to leave my job. This was a major decision for me to make as i really enjoyed my job and everyone i worked with. As well as working together we also used to socialise together too. My work was basically my life. I considered my work collegeues as friends as they were the only people i really knew. Because of all the things that happened between us, the only thing i thought she could possibly say is nothing could happen if that makes sense. I know she couldn't deny giving me the impression she was attracted to me. When i told her i was leaving she refused to accept my resignation. When she knew i was serious she said there would always be a job for me if i ever wanted to return. We still all planned to go out together for nights out like we used to. To this day i'm 200% certan she knew the real reason why i was leaving. Anyway, to cut a long story short i left my job but when I told her how i felt she wouldn't even speak to me. I was and still am absoloutley devestated. I didn't & don't understand. I told her by text and she didn't even bother to reply. When i tried to ring her it came up with 'call not allowed' Four days later i went to visit her but we only spoke through a door speaker. I could tell she didn't want to speak with me and she asked for me to go. I asked if she would please contact me. The next day she sent me a text saying 'stop what you are doing, i don't have any feelings for you, please don't contact me again' I was floored........... The only thing i could do was to contact a mutual friend/ex work colleague. I was so confused why she would do this. I couldn't believe that this was the same person who used to laugh about having bisexual experiences herself. The same person who flirted with me everytime we were together. It was only when i met up with the mutual friend that i learnd she had told everyone at work about me and had twisted things. There was so much i needed and wanted to say but she wouldn't even speak with me. I asked the friend if she would pass on a letter for me. In the letter i apologised if i'd scared her. I went on to say there may be so much more i need to apologise for but unless she ever looked me in the eyes i couldn't take full responsibility for thinking all what i had. I said i was sad that i'd be losing her friendship and promised i wouldn't contact her again. A part of me thought that she would possibly contact me after my letter, even if it was just to clear the air, but this was six months ago now. I saw her a couple of months ago for the first time and she smiled and said hi. She was coming out one of the pubs with a few of my ex work collegeues. Even though they all said hi not one of them even bothered to come over and see how i was doing. I know this is probably just me feeling sorry for myself but i can't help but think it is all down to her why they didn't. These were people i'd worked with for over a year, i'd give them lifts home from work and we'd go out together and all i got was a hi. Don't get me wrong i never expected her to come and chat with me, but 4 months of not seeing them and all they said was hi. I am trying so hard to get on with my life but i feel so so sad. I've never felt so lonely. I planned to give up my job but i never thought i would lose friendships through it. So when things turned out the way they did i had no one to really talk with. The people i did, didn't really understand how much it affected me. I know it's right when people say you're better off without people like that but It feels as though i lost everthing. A job i loved, people i enjoyed working with, the only social life i had and someone who i really cared for. Everywhere i go and everything i do i'm always on my own. Because i feel so down everything seems such a struggle. A few months back i knew i needed to do something and i was offered a job not far from where i used to work. The first week i had to work away and the next weekend i was working in the store. On my last night he said he would contact me to let me know when he needed me to work again. A week passed by and no one contacted me. I telephoned the shop to see when he needed me in next but he wasn't there so i left a message for him. A couple of days later i had a message on my phone basically saying he was 'alright' for the foreseeable future. I knew something was wrong. In the message he said he would contact me the next day..........but he never did. Because i was down anyway i didn't care about the job and at the time thought if that's how someone is going to be then i don't really want to work for someone who doesn't even contact me. I thought it might have just been a case of he'd took on too many staff so it was last in first out kind of thing. When this happened it knocked my confidence again. I was back to doing nothing with more time to think. Last week i started a new job in the same town. Everyday I was so sad going to work as this whole thing is always on my mind. I know i have to get out and meet new people, but when i hear people talking about there plans I don't have anything to tell them. I have no one or nothing to make plans for. I feel so lost and disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I just kept on wishing i was back in my other job and i should never have resigned. It feels as though i've mad the biggest mistake of my life and all i did was be honest with someone. So all this is still going on in my own mind, but i keep forcing myself to get on with things.........then just the other day i learned that the person i had feelings for (ex manager) may have said something to the man who never got back in touch with me about the job. Apparently she has known & fancied him for years. A friend told me that he had asked another manager of the company for a reference. This manager explained that it was another shop i worked at but that i was a good worker and a nice person. When he asked why i had left, she told him that it was 'a clash of personalities with the manager' and he would need to speak with her. I was not only sad but annoyed to hear this. I never had a clash of personalities with anyone. All i did was have feelings for someone. I think this may be the reason he never contacted me about the job. If that is what someone else has said i am now wondering what she has actually said to him. Since hearing this I haven't been sleeping or eating properly and I've had to quit the job i've just got. I feel so ashamed that a week into my new job and then i quit. And the truth is that I overslept till 11.00 because everything is playing on my mind. I didn't want to muck my new employer about by going on the sick in my seond week so i sent them a letter saying due to personal circumstances i feel i am unable to return to my position. The thing is though I really don't care about the job. I don't care about anything anymore. I know I need to work as i have bills to pay but the only time i seem to have any peace is when i sleep. I think it's time that i do need some kind of help. I'm affraid of going to the doctors as i really don't want any medication as i know they won't solve my problems. Sometimes i wish i could just pack a bag and leave for somewhere, but i haven't even got the guts to do that. I used to love the town i worked in but feel as though i'll never be able to return there. Evertime i do things seem to go wrong. I consider myself a private person and because it's a small town i sometimes think everyone will know what happened. I am going to contact her, and ask if she was approached for a reference. If she was then surely this should have been put in writing by head office? I tend to think that it has been a verbal reference and i know she can deny saying anything 'untrue' about me. I would like to know why other people are saying there was a clash of personalities to another employer, when this is just not right. Surely they can only talk about my work and not what happened once i left? I did nothing wrong. I know people move on with their lives but it's hard to think that the person/people that caused me so much pain are getting on with theirs no problem. I hear about the things they're up to & everyday day and night i just sit at home praying that something good will come my way. For that to happen i know i have to leave the house but everytime i do i feel even more lonely. Thank you for listening to me

Hi Lykke 32 I've just been reading through your posts, and i'm really genuinely sorry for what you're feeling. I don't mean to take over your thread but i am/was in a pretty similar situation to yourself. Last year i started at a new job where i met someone who changed me and my life........ We got on great together and i truly thought the world of her. I worked there for a year and during this time we became friends and would often go out for drinks. It wasn't long before this person started to make it pretty obvious she was attracted to me too. Although I never mentioned my sexuality, she was pretty open and admitted having bisexual experiences in the past. I'm pretty sure though she always knew i was into her. I'd never felt a connection to what i did with her. It was as though we always new what we both were thinking. I know that might sound a bit crazy, but that's just the way it was. Because she was my manager it made things really awkward for me. There was also an age gap too. Although she was the one who was always doing the flirting and sending out mixed signals, you'd have to be pretty slow to have not picked up on her intentions by these mixed signals. Anyway as time passed i knew i would have to leave my job. I couldn't cope with the feelings i had for her and be working with her too. After 14 months i decided to quit my job so i could tell her how i felt. Although she was always sending these mixed signals it was as though she was waiting for me to say or do something. I knew she wasn't the type of person to make the first move so to speak. She didn't want me to leave, and said if i ever wanted to return, there would always be a job there for me. Without going into details to this day i'm 100% certain she knew why i was leaving. I planned on telling her when i left, but unfortuanatly never got the chance & right moment. We still planned to meet up, but when i left i didn't know when that would be. I figured out that i'd really let myself down and possibly her too. I quit my job so i could finally be true & tell her how i felt. But the truth was i was still living a lie because she didn't know. Anyway, i decided to send her a few text messages explaining things. In them i mentioned how i had feelings for her and i thought she was a great person. I said i thought she may feel the same, but if i had got things wrong then i hope she could still see me as the person i always was....a friend. When a few days passed by with no reply, i knew something was really wrong..... I tried to call her and it came up with 'call not allowed' I was and am still devestated six months later. On the night i tried to call her i went to visit her. We only spoke through an intercom so i didn't get chance to see her face to face. When i spoke with her she was really quiet and she aked me to leave as one of the girls from work was going round. I said i was really sorry and would she please just let me explain things. But she wouldn't. I said i would go, but i asked if she would promise to contact me. She said she would. The next day i received a text from her saying please don't contact me again. I couldn't believe it, i didn't know what was going on and what to do. I was really worried so the only thing i could do was to contact a mutual friend/ex work colleague. When i got in touch with this friend i found out that she already knew everything and everyone at work did too....... Becaue she wouldn't speak with me the only thing i could do was to send her a letter. I asked the friend if she would pass it on for me. In the letter i apologised if i'd frightened or scared her. I went on to say that there may be so much more i need to apologise for but unless she ever looked me in the eyes and answer the questions i had i couldn't apologise fully. I said i would be sad that i was loosing her friendship but i am and always would be willing to at least try and clear the air with her. I said i hoped she wouldn't ignore me if i ever saw her again. I also promised not to contact her anymore. This was all nearly 6 months ago now and it really has got to me. I miss her as a friend so so much, but i'm also really sad to what she did to me. Unless i ever do speak with her i will always be 100% sure i didn't misread the situation. But without any aswers i don't know what to think anymore. Part of me thinks if she did have feelings for me she would never have done what she did. I also think, okay so she may have panicked, but then i think if she thought anything about me surely she would have been in contact with me? A couple of weeks back i saw her coming out one of the pubs with a few of my ex work colleagues, she smiled and said hi. Although i'm over the moon she didn't ignore me i still feel so sad. None of my other ex work colleagues even bothered to come over and see me. I can't believe these were people i'd worked with for over a year, we'd go out together, i'd give them lifts home from work and all i got was a Hi. I know i probably sound so ungrateful, but all i did was be honest with someone. I can bet my life if i'd never said anything or she hadn't they would have come over to chat with me. It's obvious she had said thing about me that were untrue & i guess she kind of turned them against me. Part of me feels as though i never got the chance to stand up for myself, i just walked away quietly. I give up my job, i lost friends and i also lost the one of the best things that ever happened to me. One day I do hope that we could be friends again. Sometimes i think if she truly isn't/wasn't bothered i'd love to give her a piece of my mind and let her know that what she said and did was wrong. A part of me think though deep down she is bothered, and is probably sorry for the way things turned out. I am still in contact with a mutual friend/ex work colleague and i did hear she had asked about me. I wish i knew how to put things right between us, but i don't know what to do. I'm sorry for hijacking your thread, it's just when i heard that your friend contacted you after 7 months it gave me hope. It would be like winning the lottery if she ever contacted me. I guess i'll never give up hoping. Good luck to you and again i am sorry god bless

Hi Baby Carrot Thank you for your reply.............. Letting go is really hard for me, although i know i do have to.... Letting her go in that respect is really okay for me to deal with, but letting her go as a friend is much harder. Letting go of the other people i classed as friends is also difficult for me too. In my previous post i mentioned that it wouldn't have been so bad being rejected in that way, but to be rejected as a friend to her and everyone else really stings. That's what i find it hard to let go. I guess i was just wondering if i could do anything to salvage friendships, nothing more. I just keep on thinking that if i never try, i'll never know. But maybe it's not up to me to try anymore. I always thought that if i had misread the situation it would have been something we could have laughed & joked about, but she made it into something serious without even giving me the chance to explain. Thanks again

Hello I know i'm about to post on the wrong board but i do hope one of you guys (or anyone) will have a solution to my problem. I've posted on this board as i've read some great advice given to others and whilst my situation is a little different i am hoping to someday get back together with a friend who was once part of my life.....I just don't know how. My story begins 18 months ago when i began a new job in a new town. It was here that I met someone who i considered to be a good friend. This person was my manager and she was also female. We became really close & got on great together. If i'm honest i knew straight away my feelings for this person were more than that of a friend, but as with any relationship, friendship or otherwise i was just happy to get to know her as a person & ignore the wishful thinking or anything else. However, it wasn't long until i began to realise that this person was attracted to me too. I never mentioned my sexuality to anyone but i knew she knew if that makes any sense. She just knew. She was pretty open and mentioned having bisexual 'experiences' in the past. Although i was pleased to learn this i knew this didn't give me the right to presume she would be interested in me, but as time went by she let me know she was. I'd be here all month trying to explain but I could basically write a book of all the things she said and did that gave me the impression she wanted something to happen between us. It got to the point where she was wanting me to say something or make some kind of move. Because I knew this, that's when i got scared...... I got it into my head that it was a bad idea especially when we worked together (& I worked for her) After 14 months i decided it was time to leave my job. She didn't want me to go and refused to accept my resignation, but I just knew it was time to go. She did say that if i ever wanted to return there would always be a job for me. This was so great to know, I guess deep down i didn't really want to leave but i thought it was the right thing to do at the time. As always, we still planned to meet up together for a night out. Anyway, once i'd left i had so many things going on inside my head. Part of me felt as though i'd not only let myself down but i'd let her down too. I didn't feel like i was being any kind of true friend by hiding my feelings & not being honest with her. . Because i didn't know when i'd see her next I sent her a few text messages. In them i said how i thought she was a great person along with my feelings for her. I said if i had got it wrong, i was sorry and hoped she could still see me as the person i always was.......a friend. When a few days passed by with no reply i knew there was something wrong......really wrong. I tried to call her and it came up with 'call not allowed' I was and still am devestated. On the same night i went round to her house to try and talk with her. She wouldn't let me in so we only spoke through an intercom. Her voice was really shakey and she said she didn't know where i'd got the idea from. She said one of the girls from work was calling round so asked me to leave. I did leave but asked if she would please just contact me. The next day i received a text basically saying to not contact her again. I couldn't understand at all, why would someone make it obvious they liked you but then not even want to see/speak with you. Why wouldn't she see me and let me know IF/HOW i'd got it all wrong. I was worried about her & the only thing i could do was contact a mutual friend/ex work colleague. When i met up with the friend i learned that she already knew and the person i thought the world about had basically told everyone at work.......the very next day after my messages to her. She had even twisted things to make me look like a complete fool or even crazy. I had so much that i needed & wanted to say but she just wouldn't let me. I was sorry if i had got it wrong, but i was also confused. Confused to think that i was/am certain that i didn't get things wrong. Why couldn't/wouldn't she just explain this to me to my face? I asked the friend if she would pass on a letter which thankfully she agreed to do fo me. In the letter I apologised if i had got things wrong, but i couldn't apologise fully unless she ever looked me in the eyes or answered the questions i had. I said i was sad that i would be loosing her friendship and i hoped she wouldn't ignore me if i ever saw her again. I mentioned how i am and always would be be willing to at least clear the air with her. I also promised not to contact her again. This all happened in May. After my letter the gosip stopped & in June the mutual friend said that she had asked about me. I am ashamed to admit that this whole situation has totally changed me as a person. I have become really depressed and it's all because of this. A couple of weeks ago i saw her with a few of my ex work colleagues coming out from of one of the pubs. They all said hi, she did too and also smiled. Don't get me wrong i'm over the moon that she didn't ignore me & i didn't expect her to come and start chatting with me. But these were people i'd worked with for over a year, we'd go out together, i'd give them lifts home from work, and we still planned to meet up with eachother. Five months later & all i got was a hi. I know i probably sound like such an ungrateful sod, but it is sad to think that not one of the others in the group even bothered to come over and see me. These were the only people i really knew, the only friends i thought i had. All i did was be honest with someone and it feels as though i've been punished for it. I know anyone reading this may well think that i got it all wrong & totally misread an innocent situation. Please believe me when i say that i really didn't. Anyone would have to be blind or deaf to have not picked up on her intentions. Why did she do this to me? Part of me thinks that if she did have feelings for me surely she would have been in contact with me, even if it was just to clear the air and to possibly salvage a friendship. I miss her so much and I wish that i could just sort things out with her. Although i would really like to contact her i don't want to make a bad situation even worse. I also think that if she was a genuine friend then surely contact should come from her? In my head and in my heart i know there was something between us. But then i think, if she was missing me (even just as a friend) then i would know about it right? I do know it would take a hell alot of pride for her to contact me, maybe she would like it if we were still friends but is also scared to get in touch? I know i was never in a relationship with this woman, but i just can't stop thinking about what happened & I'm so scared i'll never get the chance to put things right between us. There's so many people on these boards who have been in relationships for years who are going through No Contact. For themselves, and possibly for a chance to get back together. I was hoping that no contact would make her realise how sh'e over reacted and miss me a a friend. The only relationship i would like with this person is a friendship. Are there any rules for this? Being rejected isn't great, but i could have handled that. I thought it would have been something we could have laughed over. But to be rejected as a friend/person is really bad. To turn it all around in the way she did, where everyone i used to work with probably thinks i'm some kind of nutter is heartbreaking. How could she be so cruel? At the very very least i'm sure she thought of me as a good friend. From what i gather, it seems as though she is getting on with her life no problem. I don't expect her not to but i can't help but think HOW can someone do what they did and feel no regret. The past 5 months have been the worsed of my life so far. Sometimes i feel angry, and think at the very least i deserve some kind of explanation to what she did, but most of the time i just feel sad that i have lost friendships. I feel as though i will never be able to move on. It also feels as tough i was weak in just walking away and not even standing up for myself and explaining the truth, my truth to the others Is there ANYTHING that can be done here? I'm wondering should i send a christmas card to where i used to work? Please help Many thanks

Hello NJRon I've been thinking about what you had to say. The only thing i can identify with what you mention is when you say it sounds like i was never so sure of *wanting* something to happen... Although i really did want something to happen i did always wonder if i could trust her. Without that trust then i certainltly wouldn't have wanted anything to happen. So I guess i got my answer at just te right time. All i'm trying to work out is why she has reacted in the way she did. I don't know you or your background/beliefs, but lets just imagine a male or female (preferably male) friend of yours confessed they had feelings for you. Even if you genuinely had no feelings for them and would you reject them as a friend? Surely if anyone said they had feelings for you and also claimed they thought you felt the same, wouldn't you want to explain and at least set them straight? That's what i don't and can't make sense of. Thank you again for your insight i do appreciate it.

Thank you I will try

Hi again, I don't undertand your post at all unfortunately. Just to be clear i'd like to point out the following for anyone else who may also reply. Wanted is maybe the wrong word (as want not a very good word and obviously you don't always get what you want) but I would have really liked something to have happened between us. I was certain that i would have liked this but i would have felt uncomfortable if 'anything' had have happened whilst i was working there. I never thought for a second she was looking for a life partner, and even if she was that didn't give me the right to put myself up as a candidate. When i say I can't make sense of it, that's because she was the one giving off all the signals. And even if i was totally wrong i genuinely thought she valued our friendship. Because i know she doesn't have a problem with a persons sexuality i don't understand (can't make sense) why she doesn't seem to even want a friendship. Sorry if i seem to be knocking your advice, as i don't mean to be but i don't understand what your getting at.

Hi NJRon, Thank you for your reply. I totally agree with what you have to say. I am pretty certain that she does have some issues & i do think that includes sexual too. LOL....you are spot on when you say that I would probably need a prybar and barrel of crisco to get her out. I knew there was no way she would have ever been up for a 'full open relationship' I was so stupid, if i had just made a move i KNOW things would have turned out far differently. Looking back i don't think i should have quit my job. I have lost so much in these past 4 months that i know i probably will never replace. I decided to quit though, because i wa that certain something was going to happen and i didn't want it too whilst i worked there. Unless i am completely crazy, i've never been so ure of anything else in my life. I jut know there was definitely something between us. She was the one who was doing most if not all of the flirting. Up until the other day when i saw her, i was finding it really difficult to move on, especially with the weird messages. But now that i have seen her, i can & know i will have to move on. I just so wish we could still be friends. She certainly hasn't got a problem with a perons sexuality.........her friend is Gay and that i who she is supposed to have had 'the' experience with. Why can't i make sense of it Thank you NJRon

Hi guys, I hope someone can help with my situation.......... I'll try to be as brief as i can regarding my story..... Hope you Can Help I worked with someone for 15 months who i had strong feelings for. This person was my manager and she too was also female. After months and months of working with her i was aboloutely certain she had feelings for me too. Because of this i decided to give up my job and tell her how i felt. Anyway to cut a long story short, when i did tell her i told her via text messages. She never contacted me and i found out from a mutual friend that she had told everyone i used to work with. Although i spoke with her very quickly & not to her face it was as though she was hiding something. Anyway I sent her a letter to apologise & i also said how i was said that i would be losing her friendship. I mentioned that it hurt me to think that she told everyone else without as much as a 'sod off' to me first. I went on to say that I am and always would be willing to at least clear the air with her. I promised i wouldn't be contacting her again. All i can say is that throughout my time at work we became very close & i know she liked me as a person as well as a friend. Even though she did what she did I was and I am still certain she did have feelings for me or was at least attracted to me in some way. The only explanation i have is that i possibly scared her by telling her too much too soon (my feelings for her). I always got the feeling she wanted me to make some kind of move, and if i had i definitely think something would have happened between us. Oh why did i have to tell her in the way i did. So this was all 4 months ago now and i still miss her like crazy. I have not seen her since or heard from her.....or so i think For the past 2 months i have been receiving weird phonecalls/messages on a certain date of each month. Coincidentally on the same date that i first met & started working for her. The first was a voicemail mesage which iam sure is her voice but she only said 3 words and then hung up. The second one was a totally blank text message. They were bith from the same number, but not the number i used to have for her. The one from the first month i ignored. The second one i replied saying: 'sorry i don't recognise you or your number but if it's me you need to contact (then my name) please just give me a call, thanx' I got no reply so a week or so later i sent a text message just saying 'snap' But still no reply. So unless anymore come through i'm still not sure if it could be her or not. Then the other day i was out having a drink with friends. I went outside to use my phone and she came walking out the pub next door with her friends/my ex work colleagues. She looked over said hi and then gave me a smile When this all happened 4 months ago a mutual friend said she would probably never speak to me again. I knew this was wrong. She made it look as though it was all down to me, but deep down in my heart i know she did feel something for me. Anyway, when i spoke with this mutual friend the other day, another friend had mentioned that they'd all seen me. When i said that this other person said Hi she was quite shocked that she spoke to me. I did say that if you talk to her tell her thank you for not ignoring me. Please don't get me wrong here, i know i was never in a relationship with this woman, but from what i've read on No Contact i thought it may help (not only me get over her) but it might make her realise she misses me, whether that be just as a friend or anything else. I guess my question to you guys is how should i handle the situation? Should i have asked my friend to thank her for me or does this look weak in some way? Also, IF, the phonecalls are from her how do you think i should handle them? Should I just ignore them or send something back? If there is any possibility whatsoever of me ever being in some kind of relationship with this person, i could hope for nothing more. However, I do genuinley miss our friendship & if that is all it could ever be I would be truly happy and would mean the world to me. I really don't know what to do anymore, the No Contact has been very difficult for me, and just seeing her the other day has given me so so much, even if i find out that the phonecalls are not from her. I know in my heart that any kind of contact should come from her, as only we both know it was her who has been in the wrong. I think she might be scared of her feelings though & that's possibly why she isn't making full contact & possibly sending weird messages if that makes sense. I would dearly love this person to be a part of my life again but the last thing i want to do i scare her away again. I know from reading these boards there are many people that know quite a lot about NC & i would be VERY VERY grateful for any advice regarding No Contact and my situation. truly GRATEFUL Many Thanks PS: I'd just like to say this place is a godsend, it has heped me so much over the past few months. Even though i have only posted once before (2 days ago), the many posts i've read have given me so much inspiration. Thank You

Hi there, I'm just new to enotalone and would like to share my story with you.......or anyone who will listen...... Please be warned that you quite possibly will have read War and Peace far quicker, but I would VERY much appreciate anyone out there that may be able to offer some advice or suggestions. It was about 18 months ago now that i started out at a new job. I remember the day of the interview so clearly................. One of the persons interviewing me caught my eye instantly. During & after the interview i re-call thinking 'there was something about her'. Although briefly it did pass through my mind that she might have been gay or bisexual. In my own head i told myself it was probably just wishful thinking but there was just something about her eyes and the way she looked at me. Not to sound sure of myself, but something told me i was going to get the job. When i did, i was over the moon on my first day when she arrived and i knew i'd be working with this person (well in fact for her, as she was to be my manager) Although i knew i was attracted to this person from day one (who i'll call N) I was just really pleased that I'd got a new job & i would have the opportunity to get to know her. It was a small place where i worked and we were all female including me. It wasn't too long before i found out that N was divorced. She'd been married for 13 years but apparently was unhappy in most of them. She now lived alone and had been for the past few years. There was also a new girl who also started soon after me. A couple of weeks into the job and we had to go away for training. On our journey this new girl let slip that N was having an affair with the owner of the company and had been for several years. I was a shocked and also gutted, but because i didn't know N all that well i just thought 'oh well never mind'. Whilst we were away this girl told me how she thought there was something about N. When i asked her what she meant she explained that she thought N might fancy her (the new girl, not me). Apparently N had this thing about Audrey Hepburn and to be honest i guess they both had that look about them. The new girl mentioned how she just had a feeling and even mentioned how her husband had commented. He had only met N once but told her to be careful around her. That night she made a joke and told me to be careful too. Inside i was delighted, I remember thinking i really hope you're right. I knew even if N was bisexual this didn't give me the right to presume she would be interested in me, but i couldn't help feel happy at what just i'd heard. At this stage, all i wanted to do was get to know her as a person and the more i did, the more i realised that it wasn't just a physical attraction. Not too long after the new girl left (but this had absoloutely nothing to do with what i've just mentioned, she just had a new job lined up). It was only a month or so into the job that i learned how old N was. I couldn't believe she was 41 when she only looked about 30. Although i was only 27 it didn't matter to me, even though i was trying before i new her age i couldn't stop feeling what i did. I started to pick up on a few things that N had said. One night when a few of us had gone out for a drink she mentioned how she'd had a bisexual experience in the past. As you can imagine i was really interested to learn more but N just kept laughing and wouldn't tell me anything. I also remember one day at work where the conversation of Halle Berry came up. N said wouldn't you just love to go there, whilst looking at me. Another girl told N to behave whilst i just laughed and nodded in agreement with N. She then went on to mention other female celebs she liked. This made it pretty clear she was definitely open minded. To cut a very long story short, i guess i became a bit like a kid saving pennies/cents. Everytime i would go into work i would look for signs, and 98% of the time i got them. If each sign was a cent i must have a spare 20 dollars somewhere. I know i'm trying to cut a long story short, but i would like to try and tell you as much as i possibly can so you can help me figure out how the end of my story ended. As time went by i realised that maybe N could like me. There was a time when N and I had to go away for work. One night whilst we were having dinner she said how she was worried people might think she's gay because she's never seen with a man. let them think it is how i replied. Later on in the conversation she asked if i had my eye on anyone. I was totally unprepared for that question and looked towards the window saying 'no no-one' Surely she should have guessed by that. Another night we had just finished dinner when N said 'Shall we go to bed now' she paused then said 'to sleep' started lauging and continued with 'i mean to the hotel, to sleep.........in separate beds' We both just laughed. The first time i called round her flat before a night out she showed me around. When i saw the Audrey Hepburn pictures in her bedroom i knew there must have been some truthe in what the new girl (well old girl) had said. Another time there was a day at work i was telling someone how i'd knocked my leg the day before and now had a lump on my leg. I asked them to feel and they got all squeemish. At that N comes along and asks what happened. I explain again and ask her to feel. Before she does she looks at me and says 'feeling your leg, it might turn me on' There were so many things that she said or did that gave me the impression she was attracted to me. The brushes past me, the touches and the looks between us both. We just semed to have this connection where we knew what eachother was thinking. I can't even begin to explain all what happened so i just hope you get the gist when i say i've never been so sure of anything else in my life before. The only thing that changed was me.I really wanted something to happen, but it got to the point where i just knew nothing would whilst i was working for her. I didn't want to make things any more awkward for her or for me. Even though there were plenty of times i had the opportunity to say something i just couldn't. Because she was my manager i knew it wasn't the best of situations. From the type of person she was, i knew N would never have made the first move. I know that sounds crazy to say especially when it was N doing most if not all the flirting. I remember her saying she never would if she met someone and how it takes a while for her to get to know someone. I gathered from another work colleague that N was quite a lonely person. Other than the people she worked with she didn't really have anyone else. Apparently she has had mental health problems and has been ill with her nerves/depression for quite some time. There was the guy she's having the affair with but as he lives away she only sees him once in a blue moon. She always used to bring him up in conversation, especially when it was just me and her. There were a couple of times when she told me how their sex life wasn't that great (to put it nicely) However, one day she would be saying how she loved him and the next how much she hated him. That was something i just couldn't figure out. I gathered and heard from a friend/work colleague that N had a tendency to make things out to be more than what they actually were. This friend said that she wouldn't be surprised if this affair had only happened a couple of times in all these years and that was because N didn't like to say no. To N her job is her life & it's all she lives for. Maybe because he's the owner she doesn't dare refuse. I honestly don't know. This made me sad. There were times when i knew N would have liked someone to go shopping with or have a night at the ballet. But when it wasn't a group of us i couldn't say i would go with her. Although i would have loved nothing more, it felt as though i was lying. If i'd have gone i would have been going for the wrong reasons if that makes sense. I wouldn't have been going as a friend. After 13 months i knew it was time i had to leave. Because i really thought the world of N but liked my job too it was one of the easiest & hardest decision of my life. Although i didn't want to leave if i was any kind of true friend to N i had to let her know how i felt. The only way i'd have the guts to do that was to leave first. When i told N i was thinking of leaving she told me i wasn't. The day i handed my resignation in she refused it, but i think she knew i was serious & accepted it after a couple of refusals. It was so nice when N said if things didn't work out i'd be welcome to go back anytime. I wasn't too fussed where i ended up working next, it felt as though i'd formed some close friendships throughout my time especially with N. We all planned to meet up for the nights out that we all had whilst i worked there. I thougt it would be somewhere i could have always called in for a cuppa to see how they were doing and if they fancied a night out or someting. So I had a month left and my journey was nearly over...... I was sad that i knew i would be leaving, but i was releived that i could finally tell her. The worse case senario was for N to say nothing could ever happen between us. Even though that would have been sad I was prepared for that and it was okay. If that did happen i was sure we would have a greater if not better friendship. Something i thought she didn't have. So if 'the worse case senario' did happen then I'd left my job for good reasons. Even the last month whilst i worked things were the same & N was giving of the same signals (even more so). On the last two days at work we all planned to go out on both my last nights. On the first night we went out i was again pretty certain she wanted something to happen, but i knew it would be my last day tomorrow so i didn't say or do anything. The last night came and went so fast. It was a late night and on the way home N said that I should go to her flat & wait for a taxi. I really thought i was going to say something but on the way to N's flat she called for a taxi on her phone. When we got to N's flat we were both soaked. N was moanning saying how she looked a mess. She looked amazing like she always had but i didn't tell her that. I just said she looked fine. I can't even remember how long i was there for and what we talked about. I remember N at the window looking for the taxi. I just knew it wasn't a good time to say anything. When i mentioned earlier that 98% of the time it felt as though she wanted me to say something this was the 2% but it felt like a 100% When the taxi arrived i stood up to say goodbye. We both hugged eachother. I remember seeing her reflection in the window, i didn't want to leave go but i knew i had to. She said to call in the shop tomorrow when i went to pick my car up. As soon as i climbed in the taxi, i felt the tears run down my face. I never cried so quietly. I was having a normal conversation with the taxi driver with tears in my eyes. I wanted nothing more to yell stop, go back in tell her i'd forgot something, kiss her and walk out, but it was too late. Well it probably wasn't but i didn't have the guts by now. The next day i called in the shop when i went to collect my car. Everything & everyone seemed normal, but it felt so different to me. When i left N was busy with a customer so i just touched her shoulder and said take care N i'll se ya later. She said the same. When i got home i realised that it would probably be a month a more before i next see her. I couldn't believe that i'd given up my job to stop living a lie, but the truth was i was still living a lie. A month seemed such a long time especially when i'd been seeing her every week. Looking back i'd have waited far longer if things could have been different. A few days passed and it was on my mind. I just had to tell her. I considered calling N, but i didn't want it to look as tough I was only after one thing. I know it probably wasn't the best of methods but i decided to tell her be text/SMS messages. This way there would be no pressure on me or N and i could say everything i needed to. Before i left my job we were all on a night out and as a joke i remember saying 'do you want to know the real reason why i'm leaving' at that N said 'Oh god it's me isn't it'. She was laughing but also looked pretty shocked too. I really wasn't about to tell her the real reaon in front of everyone so at that i quickly said 'i was really hired as a private investigator and my work here was now done, i have all the evidence i need' That made me think she really did know how i felt for her. So i send my message to N basically saying.............. Hi N Sod it, i did lie, you were right, i never really was a private investigator. I hope to god you will understand my reasons for telling you what i'm about to in the way iam but just couldn't wait any longer. I told her my real reasons for leaving. I said what i thought about her and how sometimes i got the feeling she felt the same. I said if i had got it all wrong i hope she could still see me as the person i always was.........just a friend. I told her that i thought she was an amazing person and if she ever needed anyone/a friend i hope one day she would call on me. When a few days passed by and no reply i started to worry, really worry as i knew something wasn't right. When I tried to call N it came up with 'Call Not Allowed' Even when i write that it's like a knife through my heart again. The only way to contact her was to call round to her flat. I knew by now that something was badly wrong, so it was my only way of trying to explain things. When i called around i spoke to her through an intercom so i didn't see her face to face. She was shocked when she realised it was me. She basically said she didn't know where i'd got it from. I said so there was absoloutely nothing between us. she said no. Her voice seemed shaky so I said i was really sorry and would she please let me explain. but she said no. She said one of the girls from work was calling round & asked if i would go. I said i would but asked her if she would just contact me. She said she would. True to her word the next day i received a text/sms message from N saying 'stop what you are doing, i don't have any feelings for you, please don't contact me again. I couldn't believe it, i was absoloutley devestated. It was like a completely different person. The only thing i could do was to contact a mutual friend. When i met up with the friend i learned that the same night i'd sent my messages to N she had also told this friend. And the very next day told everyone at work. The friend had said how she had twisted things i'd said and done. I could understand if it had only been someone i'd known for a short while, but i'd known her for over a year. All the things she'd said and done but then to react like and not even want to speak or see me. There was so much i needed to say. I asked the friend if i wrote a letter to N would she pass it on to for me. She agreed. In the letter i apologised again. I went on to say that there may be so much more i need to apologise for but because i have so many questions, unless she ever looked me in the eye i couldn't take full responsibility for thinking all what i did. I said that i was sad that i would be losing her friendship, but i am and always will be willing to at least clear the air with her. I told her that i couldn't understand how she could tell everyone else without as much as a 'sod off' to me first. I promised i would never contact her again. On the night i spoke with her i asked if anyone else knew when she said someone was calling round. She said no one and i believed her. It was also a lie too. Not too long after my letter the friend told me that she hadn't mentioned anything about me. In the letter i said i didn't want or feel i had to explain my feelings to anyone else other than those that matter. I said now that you've told everyone, I hope you will show them this letter as if i do have to explain myself i would much prefer to do it in my own words. She didn't show the letter to anyone & the gossip stopped. The only explanation i have is maybe i scared her, maybe i told her too much too soon. I wish i knew. This was all 4 months ago now, the saddest four months of my life so far. I've not seen or spoke to her since and there is not a day gone by when i don't think about or miss her. A couple of months ago a mutual friend said she had asked about me. The only thing that has give me hope is reading these boards. Although i was never in a relationship with N, I'm kind of hoping that No Contact might make her miss me too. I was prepared for everything, or so i thought. To be told N didn't feel the same way would have been okay, not great but okay. But to be rejected as a person truly hurts, especially when i really thought the world of her. It feels as though i gave up something to try and make something else better (even if that was just a friendship) but now it feels i've lost everything and made things worse. I truly believed that at the very least N liked me as a person and part of me still believes it. I figured out that if she had of felt the same way surely she would have made contact by now. If I hadn't made my promise i'm pretty sure i would have tried to contact her, if she missed me half as much as i do her (even just as a friend) then she would have made contact. Although i know that it would be really hard fo her to do. It would take a lot of courage that maybe she doesn't have. It saddens me to think that if she is or was bad with her nerves/depression maybe i've made things worse for her. I'm sorry to go on guys but thank you for coming this far with me.................... It gets a little more confusing but it is nearly over............... So although there is nothing more in the world that i could wish for, other than to try and regain a friendship with N, part of me believes that any kind of contact should really be from her, as then i would know it was genuine. I've been spending the past 4 months trying to move on from N albeit with great difficulty. I suppose this is because, deep down i do believe she did have feelings for me & because she never told me to my face that's why i can't seem to let her go. I know if i ever got the chance to speak with her and if what i had to say fell on deaf ears i'm 199% certain i could walk away with pure ease. I can't give anymore than my friendship and if that is rejected too then there is nothing more i have to give or would even want to try and give. So in this time I'm trying my very hardest to let her go and move on with my life, although not very well i am truly trying. Then in July i realise i have a missed answerphone/voicemail message on my mobile/cell phone. When I listen to it I hear a womans voice saying 'You alright *****' Although the name mentioned isn't mine i recognise the voice and think it sounds a lot like N. The person this woman mentions is the same name as the person N is having the affair with. So it sounds like N saying 'You alright *******' It's not N's phone number though but I think why would someone call my phone only to leave a message of three words and then hang up? If it was a complete stranger, wouldn't you realise you had dialled the wrong number before leaving a message. And If not, surely you would leave a full message and then only realise once you had hung up? I also figure that most people have their contacts stored in their phone already, so if it was her there is no way she could have dialled me by mistake. My name and his name are way apart in the alphabet. But if it was a genuine mistake I thought at least she hasn't deleted me from her phone, in fact she must have put in again if she has a new phone & number. Anyway, although i hope to god and secretly pray it's her i also tell myself it could be a complete stranger from timbucktoo for all i know & just a sad/strange coincidence. Then a month later i wake up one morning with a text/sms message. As soon as i look i recognise the number straight away. It's the same number as the one before. When I open it, it's a blank message. It says absoloutely nothing.................. I received the first answerphone/voicemail message on the 18th of July, I then receive a blank text message on the 18th of August. I think & hope it might be N, and would you believe the only date in the ENTIRE calandar month that connects me to N is the 18th. This is the date that i started work. I tell myself it must be her, one coincidence is fair enough, but that's is about five. It sounds like her She mentions ****** The 18th Why would anyone just hang up one month and then send a blank text message the next This time i reply saying 'Hi there, i received a missed call from you today, sorry i don't recognise your number but if it's me (then my name) you need to speak with please just give me a call. Thanx But No Reply A week passes by, and it's on my mind so i decide to just call the number and find out for sure. I try calling from a different phone and it rings but then goes through to answerphone. I don't leave a message. Half an hour later i receive a missed call from a completely different number altogether. The number is not a mobile it's from a landline somewhere in the middle of the country. Because i used an old mobile phone I know the number that called must have been connected to the weird messages i'd received (as that's the only number i contacted). I know she doesn't have connections with that part of the country so it can't have been her afterall. I just think how on earth am i meant to try and forget about N when things like that happen. Why did they have to contact my phone??? Why did it have to be the 18th...both times??? any other date would have meant absoloutely nothing.......Why did it have to sound like her?????? I can honestly say I can count on two hands how many people actually have my number and i am also ex directory. It just feels as though some higher power is playing with my feelings and not allowing me to try and forget her. Why was i given so much hope, only to be let down once again. I hope one day N and i will sort things out, i hope that day is sooner rather than later. Well that's it i guess..............THANK YOU and SORRY (sorry that you didn't plan on reading a novel).