feelin_blue

Well hi again everyone. As I said in my last post today was the day we were due to meet up to discuss our future as a couple. He came to pick me up and as i got into the car I was repeating in my head "be calm, be calm!" as I didnt want a repeat of my pathetic wailing and crying which happened the last time we were talking. I kept with the idea of playing it cool and let him initiate all the conversation on our drive, I kept my answers to a minimum. I really wanted to let him know I was here more to listen to what he had to say that let my opinions be heard. When we finally got to where we were going we went a little walk and again I said very few things until we were seated so we could at least look at one another. When we sat he said whats on your mind. I let him know that I was there to hear what he had to say - without making it look like I was demanding an explanation. He let me know that he was feeling freaked out and that he felt he'd lost a lot of his identity during our time together. Basically he said many things that you guys suggested on here which was great because it helped me form good answers instead of looking like i didnt understand where he was coming from . I let him explain his point of veiw then I took my turn to tell my side. I knew he owed me a few apologies that he hadent given me yet but instead of my usual over reaction by saying "you havent even said sorry for....blah blah" I decided to apologise for a few things first. Like the way I reacted the other night, and that I critisised one of his friends....this really made him sit up and take notice that I'd really thought things over and that this time really was different. This opened up a whole new conversation and before we knew it we were sharing things and feeling a lot more relaxed. I suggested the idea of a little less contact for at least this next month to let us regain a bit of our individual identities and also to appreciate what we have when we do meet up - instead of it being routine and taking it for granted. We worked a few issues out and we both seemed more relaxed at the end and even though i was dying to throw my arms around him and kiss him i stayed cool and just gave him a peck on the cheek before leaving the car so he knows i really have chilled out. I'm going to make him work for my affection now instead of me begging for it. This little bit of space has allowed me to gain a huge amount of perspective on the relationship. Thank you everyone for your posts and the advice was great. And although were not completely out of this rough patch at least I can see things getting better.

I think it was wrong to tell him a false age initially but I bet when you began talking you started discovering all these other connections and similarities you both had and it just made sense to you to keep the flow going. It's so easy to do and I completely understand why and how it happened. White lies are easy to tell but unfortunately difficult to put right. Jason perhaps began doubting some of the other things you both had talked about and shared on the basis that you misled him about your age. The fact that his mother got involved at that point also shocked me a little. As you said Jason was 33 and although upset, no doubt capable of dealing with the situation on his own. I have the feeling the mother would be involved in EVERYTHING had the relationship continued, or in fact should it pick up again. I would certainly not want to be overshaddowed by a woman who is clearly both importaint and dominating in this grown mans life. Enjoy your friendship if you can, however if it is only causing you pain then perhaps you should let go. He has already or you would be together. I'm so sorry.

I could hear my heart ripping in half. He never used to be this cold. I can understand it was a bit much but he promised me he'd never be gone and that he'd always be here for me. I think men say things like he'd never be gone and that they'll always be there for you during a break up because it makes them feel better and makes the whole situation easier on them. To be honest I think the fact that you get to leave during your vacation is a blessing in disguise. You get to be the one to put some distance between you both and hopefully the distance will allow you to see things more clearly. I wouldn't call to check in - why should you have to be the one to make the effort communicating? You tried that before and it seemed to piss him off. I think if he wants to speak let him be the one initiate it. Don't give him any excuses. Being suddenly snappy or cold with you (for example with the text messages and phone calls) sounds like a case of him trying to cause an atmosphere which detracts from the real situation going on with the break up. Use your vacation to catch up with friends, relax and enjoy yourself. Pretend that he's a million miles away where theres no cell phone service or internet connection to avoid contact. Give it two weeks, come back on here and tell us how your doing then take it from there. Keep smiling Best of luck.

i know what u mean...I had to erase my boyfriends(possibly ex - thats not quite decided yet) number from my phone today to stop me calling and messaging him. Of course I know the number off by heart but because you have to physically dial the number it allows you to stop and think before you press dial. He was always the last number dialed on my phone and speed dial made it so easy!

Thank you everyone for your kind posts. I know you're all right and both your advice and a little time to think has helped me gain some clarity about the situation (even though its only been 24 hrs). Last night I wrote myself an action plan before I went to sleep and the things I planned for myself are very similar to what icemotoboy suggested, Being healthy and eating right, walking and swimming ( no gym *he* will be there) focusing on my studies and filling my time with things that I love - not dwelling on everything. We have arranged to speak on Sunday and I feel that since he was in control of the meeting and situation and decisions made last night, that I should take control on sunday meaning that I will pick time place and so on. My thinking is that if I have some control over that then I will be able to control my reactions and maybe come accross a little better. Nobody wants some wailing maniac right!? I think that even If he does decide that he wants to try again I think for the next month at least we should have limited or no contact at all then after the month is over reassess the situation. So thats the plan - I will update with how I get on on sunday night. Thanks again everyone - I need all the support I can get right now!

Congratulations - hopefully I will have a story like this to tell soon Sorry, sorry, Just plain congratulations! Ignore the depressing stuff!

I can't believe that I'm actualy writing in a break up forum. The thing is I have been going out with my boyfriend for over four years. He was my first everything, first (proper) boyfriend, first time with sex, first love. And It was big love. Still is with me... We have always been a very temperamental couple arguing and stuff but hand in hand with that we have always been loving and affectionate too. More so with my boyfriend towards me. He was very romantic, showered me with little gifts and went crazy at christmas with presents and stuff. More than that though we were best friends, we could go anywhere and have a great time, he got on great with my family...he was part of the family. Sure we went through some pretty rough times together but we got through them thats just what we did. Deal with it and then move on. The arguments got more frequent latley although they were more niggly than serious. I know that when you start to niggle at each other theres usually underlying problems, so I tried to get my b/f to open up tell me what was on his mind. Every time he was like "don't be silly, were fine I love you" And we'd carry on as normal. He started getting more and more distant and I admit I pressed him to try and find out what was wrong. This seemed to completely p him off till I couldnt get him to answer the phone to me (this was all within the space of a week) then last week when we were talking things over like a bolt out of the blue he said to me "I don't think I can do this anymore". HIs eyes were really dead and he didnt seem to be bothered at all. I was upset and crying and more shocked than anything and throught not being able to see me like that he took me back. We were ok for a week then again yesterday (when I was really sick) he was giving me one word answers and really exasperated sounding shouted "Ill Phone You Later!" and hung up...didnt call back to I called him ( I was so upset and couldnt sleep without sorting it out) He didnt answer. I sent him really heartfelt txt messages - no reply. He finally spoke to me in his car tonight and said again with the dead eyes "I dont want to do this anymore" I am honestly heartbroken. I pleaded with him and I don't know if thats given him some kind of power trip but he just kind of murmered I need my own time and took me home. I am a mess! I'm not usually so irrational or paranoid or emotional but this has totally rocked me to my core. He is all ive known since I was 17 and I dont want anyone else. We were planning on getting a house and im studing for a degree so we can have a good future together. None of that seems worthwhile now. Im in total limbo. Please help