challenging_thought

Well, maybe you got something there. I DON'T think she is more attractive and I know some other people (men) think the same. Maybe that is what makes me tick. If she were a supermodel, maybe I would understand. When he says something like that about someone who is relatively plain in my eyes, he must feel something for her to see her that way (well, at least this is how my brain works at those times) (And before anyone says that, I know it's not up to me to decide whom he finds attractive. Just trying to explain how I feel...) Sorry if I offended you, it wasn't my intention. I didn't mean to suggest that you go there to find women. I also didn't mean to say that men would always fall for the most beautiful woman. What I meant to say was: men spend so much time appreciating the wrapper, so some women (including me) feel that it is more important to them than it should be. I understand that this is my problem; I'm just trying to get to the root of it. . I apologise again if I was unpleasant, and thanks everyone for helping me.

We went out tonight and a guy was so obviously hitting on me, paying me compliments and stuff… (no, I didn't flirt with him) All he had to say is that the guy must be drunk! Again, does he think that someone must be drunk to like me?

It's probably me again, but… if they have 'chemical reaction to intelligent women' how come that they don't hang out somewhere where they can meet intelligent women? Somehow, hanging near the beach and watching ladies walking by doesn't strike me as looking for intelligent woman. In my opinion, it looks more like admiring 'wrapper' than anything else.

You lost me. What do you mean? (You don't even know what I think men find attractive) And how can that be so different from what HE thinks? What I understand from this is that I only imagine that men find me attractive. Is that what you'r trying to say?

Dako, Are you saying that, when in love, you can find other women more attractive? Doesn't that make you want them sexually?

My point exactly! For him, she's the perfect one, not me! If he thinks I'm the best, how come that, at the same time, he knows that other people would find her better? Why would he think that? That's the part I don't understand.

He just told me that he thinks I'm the best looking bird in the world, but most other men would find his ex better looking! What the hell does this mean? Is that just sweet coating the truth? He broke up with his ex 10 years ago (!), just before we met. At that point, he described her to me as a girl with absolutely perfect body. I am the person who, when in love in someone, finds him the most attractive and I'm proud to 'show him off'. Now I feel like I'm the second best. During our relationship (almost 10 years), he's been telling me how lucky he was to find such good-looking girl like me. I used to take that as a compliment, but now I'm wondering how important my looks are to him. And, if it's so important, doesn't that make me somehow inferior to his ex? (I now I'm attractive and get a lot of attention from men, but, by no means, I have a perfect body) What is going on here? Am I missing the point?

You're welcome! I'm so glad this helped you.

I certainly hope so. Thanks everyone.

How come that he notices though? Does that mean that he might be "hungry"?

I think you may be right on this one. Why? Does that mean that he is comparing me all the time? If he can look at other women without comparing, why wouldn't I be able to do the same thing?

Sorry, itsallgrand if I misled you with my question. But I was focused on that part, not realising that not all of you know the background. Yes, I suppose I do. I expect him to be tempted though. Now there's a good way to start undermining your marriage. Why do you think this is such a bad idea? Why can't that help us understand each other better (by feeling the similar things)?

He is my second husband, and I've been with several men before him. And, yes, he did some inappropriate things in the past. Nothing major though. What brought this on? Did I say something wrong?

Not any more. He used to, that we talked about it and he stopped to do things like that in front of me. Although I don't feel very comfortable with the idea that he does it when I'm not around. But, now I'm thinking, if I can get myself to be attracted to someone else, maybe I'd understand him better…

Not that I'm worried about that fact. But, as opposed to me, my HB finds other women attractive. I had a problem with that, did a bit of a research, and found out that most people think that is absolutely normal. Now, I feel like something's wrong with me. Lately, I have been looking at random men trying to provoke the same sort of attraction for them. Nothing.:

That's my problem! I don't even notice other men, I don't find other men attractive. Do you still think I'm normal?

I've never been jealous to someone's past, but I do understand your need to know 'everything'. And my advice would be: If you can control yourself, please don't do it ! (even if she is willing to tell you). Don't go there! You'll here some insignificant small detail and you will blow it up. You'll hear a fact and you will understand it in the wrong way. You will end up in a nightmare, not knowing how you got there, not knowing how to get out. Don't take me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong to know all the details of your gf's past. If you need just information. But you don't . You need something to feed your jealousy. I've spent last 2 years of my life stuck with the similar thing. I was jealous. I wanted to know every single detail. And I did. But then, I wanted to hear more details. I always had more questions. At the end, I didn't feel any better. I felt worse. At least, in your case, everything that happened, happened before you.

I think my hubby is the most gorgeous man on the planet! I've never wanted anyone else. I've never even been attracted to anyone else. But everyone seems to think that it is 'normal' to fancy other people. Do you think I'm normal?

I've read all your replies again, and you know what? Lots of ideas I could use. Thanks so much to everyone I'll give it a try and I'll keep you posted. Or maybe I should even post here my little successes and drawbacks… for people who have the same problem and may find that helpful. One thing that sometimes helps me is to look at myself through 'male eyes'. Men are much less critical then women. That has a downside though – they are less critical about other women too - but it still helps to put things in perspective. Men so often don't even notice those little details that (we think) make us imperfect compared to some other girl. I'm really committed to help myself with this problem – because no one else can. Thanks again to everyone

Only every single girl I know (including me)

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. They make a lot of sense I have to go to work now , I'll comment later, when I come back

I have been dealing with trust issues myself for some time. And eventually I feel that I'm getting somewhere. First of all, it does take time. When the time is good, you have to let yourself trust other people. Yes, you may be hurt. But, you may be hurt even if you decide not to trust anyone. In fact, that's almost certain. The point where was ready to let myself trust again, was when I realised that. There is a reasonable chance I'll be hurt again. But also, there is a chance for me to be happy again. Plus, you have more fun in the meantime

By reading this forum, I noticed that lots of people (or should I say women) feel insecure about their bodies. Quite a few times, advice given is to 'work on your insecurities'. But, how do you do that? What exactly do you do?

That's a sound advice. And you really have the point there. I can't imagine though, looking at a good-looking woman, without thinking that her boobs (or whatever) look better than mine. It is a subconscious thought, I can't help it. It's not even thinking – I know that immediately. In a split second, I have pretty good idea where on the scale of attractiveness she is. Compared to me, off course. (And I am honestly not one of those women who hate other women just because they look good. I'm not using that against other girls, more to put myself down )

Yeah, I'll try. Thanks