mrrisotto

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and her trust issues are starting to really affect me, to the point where I'm about to break up with her. She's been hurt in the past and is in therapy to help her work through it, but its a constant struggle for both of us. Every time something comes up about trust, she immediately gets angry, accuses me of doing things I'm not, and generally disrespects me (i.e. she doesn't let me get my work done even though I've told her that I have to). Her fear overwhelms her emotions and her defense mechanisms kick in, but no matter what I do the problems are still there. I admit that when things like this surface, I get a little heated myself at times (mostly because it starts to interfere with what I need to get done), and I'm trying to work on that, but I have NEVER done anything serious to affect her trust. I love her and want to help, but I'm at my wits end. I know this is pretty general, but does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

Sometimes when they start accusing YOU of cheating...

Well, the truth finally came out yesterday... she cheated on me with her physically abusive ex-boyfriend. I missed the clues - constantly bickering with me, accusing ME of cheating (i.e. I spent a few extra hours with my mom on Mothers Day and when I came home kind of late, she said "thats what people do when their cheating"), etc. The funny thing is, the day she cheated on me a few weeks ago, she took me on a nice drive in the mountains and then to a nice dinner because I thought she felt bad that she "saw" him (I trusted her and honestly thought nothing happened, and that she was genuinely sorry for "hanging out" with him). Here's the email I got Monday morning from her... I will never trust her again and am walking away. Thanks some_guy282 for your suggestions.

Here's my $.02... Since it was his first time, I'd say be supportive of the process and make sure you both are on the same page about the relationship (are both of you ready?). You did not mention how much time you guys spent together after the initial year and the condom event. Days? Weeks? Months? If it was an extended period of time, I'd just chalk what happened up to inexperience, nervousness, and anxiety. That's how I was. Something like this can be very destructive to his self esteem, so be supportive and patient. But one word of advice from a guy such as myself - be careful who and what you tell others about what happened. If you go around school blabbing about his mishap, he'll resent you for it and will ultimately pull away or, worse yet, will push for sex and just use you. Oh, and by the way, I agree with what Gauchori said. If he really cares about you and is positive he wants to give you his virginity (though not entirely because of hormones), he'll forgive and forget.

I think you're right... like a ribbon. This is rediculous. I'm curious to see what her attitude is like when I actually (calmly and caringly) confront her about it - why do I get the feeling that she'll throw something at me such as "I'm not obligated to do anything!"

Honestly, she has some issues with my penis... I'm uncircumcised and she's only been with one other uncut male in her entire life (which was a LONG time ago). I don't blame her for having some hesitation, especially around the subject of oral, and I try to help her every chance I get (i.e. educating her on the circumcision process, mainly the cons... heh), but does that mean she can't even touch me when I'm clothed?!?! I really don't want to go down the road of "its give and take, honey!" To put things into perspective a little bit more... the entire 7 months we've been together she's given me head 4 times (which is actually OK - would I like it more? Yes, but I'm satisfied) and has rubbed me probably 6-7 times. Everything has been very brief, and 2 out of the 4 times she's given me head, alcohol has been involved. She's never taken me "all the way" from head.

She's in her 30's... older then me by a "few" years. If she was young, I could completely see her being uncomfortable with things, but at her age, I would hope she has gotten over it - she's had a lot of sex and knows how to please, yet never does. Not even a touch here and there. Nothing... "I'm ready now... go home if you're not."

Well, I *should* be studying for a final tomorrow, but I can't get this off my mind (mainly because it just happened again)! My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 great months. Our sex life is fine - we make love on average of once a day. The problem is she never gives me head OR touches me. I can go without head for extended periods of time, but the fact that she doesn't even touch me is starting to cause some resentment. She knows how much I enjoy it, but never does anything! Usually, when we make love, I please her as much as I can - go down on her, kiss her all over, touch and tickle her entire body, etc. She's said that our foreplay is perfect for her, but it leaves me lacking, and on a few occasions I have had to manually masterbate myself right in front of her to get erect (not too often, but often enough to cause problems). I'll admit that I'm not always "up to the task," but given time I can be. I get the feeling that her attitude is: "I'm ready now... go home if you're not." Is she just selfish?

How about this for an example... she asks "did you poor the (sour) milk down the drain, or just in the sink?" My response: "Down the drain." Her response (very firmly): "your lying." My response: "No, I'm not." And things escalate from there...

Case in point: my girlfriend and I were making fantastic love on the couch earlier and everything is going good. When we finish, I'm still hard as a rock (I hadn't cum). She gets up, says a few things (i.e. "wow, you're really hard!"), then walks off and doesn't do ANYTHING to pleasure me (even a simple stroke would have made me feel a lot better). After about 10 minutes of sitting on the couch, I make the comment "do you have any tissues? I want to cum" and her response is... "yeah, on the floor." I have a hard time thinking that I'm being needy or selfish, so what the hell?

So, for the past week or so my girlfriend and I have been on edge. We argue at minimum once a day over (what I consider) very petty things, and I end up leaving. A few hours later she calls me up and invites me back over - I go a little testy. We hang out for a bit and everything is great, then bam, into another argument where I end up leaving. This has been happening at least once, if not twice or three times, a day for about a week. Whats going on with our relationship? Is it some codepency thing (yes, I just saw it on a TV show, and I personally feel that a lot of the times I head back over, I can feel a lot of tension between us, yet neither party is admitting?), a sign of a potential break up, or just plain frustration and stress?!?! At around the same time this started, she said she was having second thoughts about our relationship (I have a feeling about trust issues - search for my other thread dealing with this). I've respected her for this concern and have done what I can to reassure her of MY position. It just seems rather odd and I don't know whats really going on. Playing (either the good or the bad type)? Seduction? Or a genuine feeling of wanting to break up with me?!?! Help.

I lied my first time about being a virgin as well. Don't sweat it - it's a touchy subject (god knows how uncomfortable I was the first time!) which a lot of people understand, but if your boyfriend has that big of a problem with you being a virgin, then he's not right for you anyways. It's a private matter, and in my opinion, your ex had NO right to pass that kind of information around so willingly. I agree with what Mrocza said - why is he asking other people (and not you directly) about your past sexual experiences?!?!

We have talked, and the general picture I'm getting is entirely due to the foreskin. She doesn't find it attractive. As you might imagine, this is a huge problem for me (not necessarily the fact that she doesnt want to give me oral, but just the idea that she finds me unattractive). It's a tough thing, and I've done everything I can to educate her. I guess its her choice. Back to your question... I'm thinking that the reason is because of your genital herpes. I'm not too familiar with the disease, but I could see how someone (i.e. the woman you've been dating) could be concerned about contracting it from you during oral sex (with or without a condom). I don't want to bash you or anything, but have you tried finding a partner who also has genital herpes? I'm sure they would be a lot more understanding, and more willing...

I'm in a similar situation... except I do not have any diseases whatsoever. My girlfriend has given me oral sex 3 times in the 7 months we've been together (I go down on her every chance I get). She never touches me either. I'm uncircumcised, so I think she has some reservations because of that, but I don't know what I can do to help her. I'm not really hung up about it, and she knows exactly how much it turns me on, but I'm just concerned that the ONLY reason is because my foreskin is intact.

Thanks everyone for your responses, they were very helpful! I constantly get the feeling that she's purposely sabotaging things. If thats the case, it could be for a number of reasons... either she wants to end things with me and is doing it in a non-direct manor (which isn't what she's told me), she's still dealing with baggage (her ex-boyfriend was physically abusive, so some immediate trust issues arrise from that), maybe she's insecure about our relationship and just needs time to figure things out on her own, or as someone else mentioned, she's afraid I'm going to leave her for someone else because I'm (in her words) a "catch." I don't know.