Batya33

I agree with the others. I know you meant well but how awful for your BF to see these photos and know your ex took them -and it's a present for him? I mean my mother has a framed photo of me at a park - very tasteful -in her house. Taken many years ago by my ex. I'm not sure if my husband knows he took it but why would I ever mention that to him?

I listened to this recently because I listen to her podcast. I highly recommend you listen to it. Bottled Up: Your Stories About Alcohol | Death, Sex & Money | WNYC Studios

I agree and I have to deal with a lot of errors made by customer service people between my medical appointments and my son's and ordering so much more online because of the pandemic. I hate having to deal with my health insurance company -it's brought me to tears -but I am persistent and dogged with it and for example last year I received $500 reimbursement after being given the run around for hours and various lame excuses. It's stressful but no it did not shake my trust in anyone. I would reread what she wrote above.

With a near stranger I'd assume nothing -if the person asks you out for a date time and place you can decline. Otherwise he's a grown up. So are you. If a person says he looks forward to meeting you again it's fine to say if you don't want to leave the person hanging something like "thanks for letting me know! right now I'm really busy and have a lot going on so how about we leave it that I'll let you know if things open up. I wish you well!" That way you save his feelings -and he gets the hint. I've always gotten the hint with don't call me I'll call you. Haven't you? I'm not about "honesty" in that sense because you didn't tell him let's say that you were repulsed by his mannerisms or he was not cute enough etc - I am for being polite and very brief and not gushing about how wonderful the person is which is why I suggested what I did. Dating requires a thick skin. Would you want a person to be "honest" meaning sharing whatever was in his head as to why he didn't want to see you again if it had to do with your physical features -flaws in them let's say? Or that he didn't feel like holding your hand or how you should wear lipstick or more makeup (yes, the latter was said to me once, many years ago -how honest of him). Shy people also have to develop a thick skin very often and very often it is worth it to them because they are looking for a lasting, serious relationship. It was worth it to my -then very shy- future husband. Many years ago I met a guy at a post-religious event coffee thing. We chatted for about a half hour. We walked out of the place together for one block as we were going in the same direction. I mentioned my boyfriend while we were chatting. I did not flirt with him at all. He then found my landline phone number and called me(I did not give him my number) left me a voice mail to say that he was going to be there on a certain date -I think speaking at the service maybe? - and he'd love to see me again. It was very clear he was interested in dating me. It wasn't clear if he'd heard me say I had a boyfriend. I did not return his call or attend the event. I guess I left him hanging. I had no issue leaving him hanging because I never felt I was left hanging when I expressed interest/asked someone out and got silence in return. Silence meant lack of interest. I didn't choose to call him and be honest that I had a boyfriend and was not interested. I felt comfortable with my choice. I preferred hearing nothing from someone who Id told on a first date or first meet or second date that I'd love to see the person again and/or expressed obvious interest in another date etc. I think your intentions are honorable and I'd be careful about trying to play therapist or mom when it comes to declining to see someone again.

I'm sorry this is so stressful. I really don't have enough of a background for the input I'd thought of giving.

I dated someone I met at a religious retreat. This was almost 20 years ago. Our first date a few weeks later was lunch at his place. He told me that around 6 months ago he'd broken up with his girlfriend who he'd been with for a year or so. He told me this because his ex was pregnant and he hadn't wanted to marry her. They were both around 40. She was due with the baby in the next month or so. I would have been very upset if he hadn't told me this right away. I realized after the baby was born that the situation was not for me and after dating three months I ended it.

Oh yes -of course there's no reason to contact to say if you're thinking of asking me on a real first date the answer will be no. Silence is the answer. I always preferred silence to some self serving "you're so amazing but we're not a match"

You know how I knew my husband was a keeper? Well one of the ways. I was talking on the phone to a friend, pacing around our apartment looking for - my scrunchie to get my hair out of my eyes. All of a sudden my future husband silently hands me a scrunchie. He knew. He got it. I felt so cared for. Also two days ago he offered to get up early to take our son to school so I could have more time to myself. Oh and he never finishes a shared dessert in the fridge - he always leaves some for me or he will ask before finishing. He's also made far far more grand gestures over the years. But it's those sorts of things that I recall first and that I focus the most on. Just something for you to consider. Me personally -I would feel overwhelmed and turned off by what you described -it's too much and I would suspect it was coming from a place of fear/approval seeking/insecurity -it would smell bad and make me cringe, not want to be with you. The opposite. Other women might love it!

I thought of this earlier - a subset of this mindfulness discussion -tone. Being very mindful of tone. Not subjecting others to your stress/anxiety via tone and choosing to speak more slowly (especially with a customer service rep) but without slow but condescending sounding lol. Tone is so important and it's hard to be mindful of tone in the moment.

I find it helpful -it's advising the OP to also seek help whether therapy, physician, etc. In 2009 I had just had a baby and woke up from a nap and felt tired and dizzy and weak. And numb. But also I was saying nonsense words. For about five minutes - just the wrong words -not offensive words. This clued my non-doctor husband into a sign I could be having a stroke. He quietly called his doctor friend and convinced me to go the ER and leave our newborn son. My speech quickly returned to normal. I didn't want to go. He didn't want to alarm me about his concerns just wanted me checked out ASAP. Just imagine if I'd argued about how vicious he was to try to make me leave my baby just because I was disoriented after a nap. And numb from antibiotics I was on (according to me). Imagine if I'd had too much pride to admit there was something wrong and refused to leave our baby. That night was step one in getting my stroke diagnosis and proper treatment. Imagine if the OP ignores that his reaction might be an overreaction and it might be because he is "right" about his suspicions but it also might be anything ranging from garden variety sleep deprivation to anemia or to one of the other issues mentioned -why not get checked out -he's a father after all - this way he can be there for his kids as well. Why is it vicious to suggest that someone might be suffering from a medical or mental health disorder or illness if the behavior seems erratic, etc.???

Exactly. Had I waited for the really charming and handsome (but completely not for me/not that into me) guy to turn his life around and be into me in June 2005 instead of ending our 3 month dating relationship I'd have missed the opportunity to reconnect with my future husband 4 weeks later when he wanted to meet platonically to catch up. I know myself and if "HE" had called or shown interest I'd likely have delayed meeting for dinner and/or gone but I'd have been waiting for Mr. Unavailable to call. But one night in June -another night where I waited for him to call, worried if he liked me enough - I took a firm stand with myself. I said -this is it -I am not worrying and losing another night's sleep over this guy. He is not that into me. I am into him but I have to cut the cord. Very shortly after that I did -and I admit what motivated me to act even faster was him showing me a scary side of himself on our next date. But that a ha moment -that's when I started looking out for other buses -I was almost 39. I was lucky to make myself available and I don't think I'd be a married mom now had I not.

If you found it fascinating you're too attached to this situation and I'd be careful about hanging around with him much. At most it's an ego thing from his end- he likes your flattering attention and how into him you are without having to put in effort. Much like his general attitude about his work prospects - he might now be pursuing a job but in general he is lackadaiscal in the ambition department but doesn't mind his parents paying attention to him or having potential employers show interest -but whether he does his part is anyone's guess.

Take it at face value. He does not want to date you and doesn't want a potential relationship with you. He likes hanging out with you in public. He finds you attractive but for whatever reason -could be the reason he told you, could be many other reasons -he doesn't see you as a potential match for romantic purposes. He is being honest about his boundaries. Decide if those are ok with you and don't indulge in "well he really likes me but he's too shy/scared/intimidated by my beauty" etc - take it at face value and don't proceed if you think you might want more than he is offering.

Yes. And the only one making it confusing is you. Either he's all in with enthusiasm consistent with actions -reliable, caring, thoughtful, consistent actions -or walk away and don't indulge in psychologically analyzing him or interacting with him when he's all over the place.

I'd quit the analysis - focus on his actions. He's flaky and unreliable and self-absorbed. Who cares why. Buh bye.

If it happened to me and he'd been lying about it/trying to cover it up I would be upset and lose trust. I would want to know if this was a one time thing. But I would know 100% that if I wanted to stay I had to choose either to accept his explanation -for me that would mean he was sorry it happened, that it never had happened again, that it would not happen again, and how he planned to make sure it would never happen again - and then I would decide whether his explanation made things right or better. But if I felt I had to go to the lengths he is going to I would choose to leave instead. Now if he said to me -with genuineness -look, I also can show you that this is the truth -meaning maybe he knew someone else who was there, maybe he had phone records around, whatever backup he offered -would I look at his offered backup? Maybe. But that's a far cry from going on this forensic PI expedition.

Unless you were looking to sell anyway and unless this is the best financial decision for you I wouldn't make such a huge financial commitment and change for a boyfriend. Do it for yourself if you were going to anyway. As far as your daughter I understand you want her to be happy for you but she is an adult and yes you're going to have to live your life for you. What is your boyfriend giving up in order to spend more time with you? Do you have plans to marry?

Lol. And even if so that’s for when people are dating. They are not.

I also include friends who do this as well, not just romantic relationships. I've been ghosted a few times by friends and it can be extremely hurtful. I experienced having to tell someone who reappeared why I wasn't interest in having them reappear as more than a very casual acquaintance - because even though it was awkward I wanted to be the person who responded instead of ghosting. It felt good, in response to "I've been thinking about you and was worried about you" (with no acknowledgement of the year plus long MIA/ghosting and after I responded to her vague text with "and yes we're fine and hope you and your family are too" ) - to write "what do you mean? you haven't been in touch in a long time." Yes, I wasn't going to ghost. Yes I wasn't comfortable allowing her to ignore her MIA behavior.

So it sounds like you changed the invitation to -only if you don't get the job -right? And he agreed. So both of you are showing your kinda lukewarm interest. It's confusing to me why it matters -it's just a movie. Not even in a theater- no tickets. So who cares if he's leaving town the next week? I think he agreed because it gave him an easy out. I'm sorry. I invited a new acquaintance last week to meet for coffee. We'd messaged a few times and now we met because she teaches at my son's new school. Her reply was she likes to get home ASAP to beat the traffic after school --and she's sure we'll see each other on campus. So her counteroffer was basically that she doesn't want to commit to making a plan, she didn't offer to see if another time would work or if I'd be willing to travel to where she is (she knows I don't live that far) and that was my signal to respond politely "great -I totally understand! - look forward to seeing you on campus". Not going to bother pursuing to clarify that she's not "that" into making a plan or getting to know me in person.

At the risk of turning into a discussion -this is just a clarifying question from someone who can relate a lot -is this also about turning off the sort of tape in your head that is preparing the next thing you're going to say in a conversation so that you can actually hear what the person is saying -and maybe even pausing a bit longer before responding?

So I would modify this because I know when I was post partum I was so wildly exhausted and hormonal, etc I mean - no way. But sometimes if you start slow -cuddle, be affectionate, etc then it can revive those sexy feelings even if it didn't start out that way. I think it's really important that your partner know it might not include having sex but honestly in that situation he likely shouldn't have those sorts of expectations especially since the baby can wake up and need attention, etc

Humility helps. By this I mean if you intend to treat others with thoughtfulness and respect and you realize that as we all do you are tempted to react impulsively in a short tempered way then humility - knowing you too are vulnerable to stress and frustration and at risk of acting thoughtlessly or rudely etc - will aid mindfulness. With the humility perspective you will more likely choose to pause or stop before reacting and to choose then whether it’s best to respond later when you’re feeling more centered or to respond briefly from a place of basic politeness and promise yourself to address the situation more later, as needed, once you are calmer.

Wow - great point - obviously I was too caught up in the paperwork and it's really not the point, is it.

If he actually gets the phone bill and she sees that he did and sees him reviewing it I think reconnecting for more than short term -meaning till the next real or imagined situation comes up where he has to take her at her word- is highly unlikely. What he's doing seems motivated more to punish and show his power than to be close. He will be "right" but he will impair any future closeness if she is a person with normal self esteem. If my husband happened to see an email from my ex boyfriend from the mid 90s (the last one I received was about three years ago) - he would find nothing in that email or any emails we exchanged through the Linkedin site to rouse an ounce of suspicion. But no I didn't tell him that he'd emailed me a couple of times over a couple of years and I didn't tell him that we caught up on impersonal details - how his kids were, his wife (who had cancer-so I inquired about her health), his job situation. I made sure the conversation stuck to appropriate topics, we emailed a few times, and then a year or so later he checked in again. Nothing in the last 3 years. I've never initiated contact nor would I nor do I wish to. My husband would not mistrust me about it but it might annoy him - I don't need to know if an ex has reached out to him in this manner nor do I ask - and he doesn't ask me. We trust each other and neither of us has ever cheated not even close. I know I'm 100% trustworthy and my husband has stayed in touch with exes in this similar way. But if he insisted -if he saw one of the emails -and insisted on reading all the linkedin emails from the last 5 years I'd be livid with him if he didn't believe me that it was 100% appropriate. I'd let him -nothing to hide -but my belief in our marriage would be tainted quite a bit.