passions_just_like_mine

Way to go Ross, seems like you really are 'The Boss' Take what you can from it and I imagine that would be a whole heap of confidence. who needs the ex when you have people falling over themselves to get your attention. Go get yourself a hot chick Ross.

do NOT contact her at all.

Not naive at all but with the changing world, language changes also. Some of the newer phrases and terms for things just baffle me and I am hardly a pensioner. Anyway you didnt say how old you are or how well you know the other person but basically, yes. Just say something along the lines of what you said. "Would you like to go out with me to.........................."

Thanks everybody. You see this is where my conflicts lie. Some people say, dont do it, she will think you are a stalker etc and others say that they have often thought about the ex. As Sway says, she was ecstatic when her ex rang. Maybe my ex will be, maybe she wont. I will never know I guess. This is too complicated and life shouldnt be this way.

Thanks for the replies again. Scout, perhaps she had every right to not trust me. You see what happened was, she was really keen for us to move the relationship on, when that didnt happen we split up around June time. We spoke and I told her I did want to marry her. We were back together within a few days. Then in between then and December was when I had my depressive state with all the things I mentioned going wrong in my life, losing my job etc. We had a holiday to USA planned for November and she called me at work a few weeks before we were due to go and asked if we were getting married in USA? I said I didnt know. I didnt really have the money, I was still trying to pay off the holiday (we both payed by the way) We go on holiday and I could sense things were different between us. I started to get paranoid. She did say when we was on holiday, just out of the blue, something about spending the rest of her life with me. But it still didnt put my mind at rest. We got back home at the beginning of December and we just seemed to be fighting all the time, it was draining and on top of all my other problems it was just destroying me and turning me into a clingy, depressed little infant. the last night I was with her, we made love, we spoke and I asked if she had thought about us breaking up. She said she had thought about it but that she didnt want to. We woke up the next morning, she shouted me downstairs to kiss me before she left for work and I went off to start a new job that day. I didnt see her for two days then I get a phone call from her, she said we are breaking up and then disappeared of the face of the earth for three days. Took time off work so I couldnt reach her there. Her friends and family wouldnt tell me where she was and I just fell apart. I tried desperately, calling her, writing her, emailing her. In the end she said I was giving her panic attacks. I was so heartbroken, I was a destroyed man. I lost two stone, shaved all my hair off and basically just gave up on everything. When I did get to speak to her she was nasty to me, I couldnt understand how somebody who loved me so much could hurt me so much. She told me I had hurt her too. It was the most horrendous experience of my life. Perhaps a month or so after the breakup, I called her at work, we had a brief chat and I asked if she hated me. She said she would never hate me, she said I wasnt the man she fell in love with. Well I was the man she fell in love with, I just had a rough patch, I think she should have stood by me during that time but she didnt. I asked if she would ever hate me, no matter what I did, she said no. So I waited outside work for her, she didnt seem pleased to see me. But we talked, I just needed to see her in person, I hoped it may have changed her mind. It didnt, I held her hand as we talked and that was it. I sent her a card for Valentines day, no response, I sent her a birthday card in April, no response, I even sent her a christmas card, no response, one year later. Now it is three years later and I miss her more than ever. I guess that is my own insecurities, that I should be still in love with somebody, who didnt care less for me in the end. But I still blame myself for things. That is why now, I think if I send her any kind of communication it will either be ignored or she will think I am a freak or something.

Get yourself out and find yourself a decent guy. One who will treat you with the respect you deserve. I know you probably love him but dont be anybodys door mat. You deserve better and will get better. Just be patient and have fun. Do not give this guy another second of your time.

So the next step is for you to get her to like you better than him? how will you do that? Firstly you need to pull back on the friendship thing. I am not saying completely blank her because that will make you look bitter. Everytime you see her you need to be casual about things and act busy, even if you are not. Say a brief hello or whatever then say that you cant stop because you have to be somewhere/anywhere. Next you need to start dating or at least let her think that you are dating. You need her to view YOU as the prize to be won, not the other way round. She will never feel any kind of attraction for you if you are a) always available and b) showing an interest in her. I know it is hard because you feel sorry for the situation she is in and you dont want to see her unhappy in her life but it is her problem, it is her choice, there is nothing you can do about it. One other thing if you do talk with her and she brings up her relationship with the other man, be apathetic. Listen to what she is saying but dont agree or disagree with her about anything. Especially if she is saying anything negative about the new man. Try to paraphrase her and use reflective listening only repeat the things she is saying. Reflective listening usually involves using phrases that begin with "so if I understand you correctly, you are saying" then paraphrase her or "it sounds like you are feeling" then again paraphrase her. Do Not use your own words or guess at what she is feeling because 9 times out of 10 it will be wrong. I repeat do NOT criticize or put down the other man and start dating. Passions

I wont say I amglad that our situations are similar 'justlookin' but it is kindof comforting knowing that I am not alone. I wish I was string I really do, I am just so sad knowing that I am the cause of these feelings I have. If I had just rephrased things and thought about things before I replied to hermarriage and engagement questions then I wouldnot be in this position. Of course it is impossible to say we would still be together even if we did marry because as we all knownot even marriage guarantees forever. I still think Iwould be in a better place emotionally if I would have seen sense.

OK so I have read and re-read your post Scout. I akways wanted to be a writer or maybe an actor. Both dream jobs I guess. However, I have appeared in quite a number of short films and stage plays and been nominated for awards so not entirely unfeasible I would say. I also had a book published a few years ago and was writing for various magazines for a number of years. Again, a career in writing probably isnt setting my goals too high. But for whatever reason, when I became involved with the girl I am talking about, I suddenly stopped doing these things, dont ask me why because I dont know. It wasnt her suggestion. I stopped everything, stopped going to the gym (mixed martial arts training) stopped playing my guitar, stopped the acting, stopped the writing, everything just stopped. Could well have been the start of me feeling so down and depressed at the time which ultimately led to her leaving me. As I said after she left me I think or should that be 'know' that I went way over the top with letters and phone calls. I am a very sensitive person anyway and take rejection very hard but because of the state I was in, what with losing my job, my aunty being terminally ill, trying to support my mum and redecorate her house for her, trying to gather money together for a holiday we had booked before any problems, her pressuring me for an engagement ring, my health bringing me down. I just felt like the world was caving in arond me. She asked me on the telephone about a month before we went on holiday "are we going to get engaged on holiday" my response was "I dont know" she took that as the ultimate rejection and really our relationship went downhill from there. It was only a month later when she left me. I still feel now if I had just rephrased that reply ever so slightly we would be together now, but there was no going back for her. She had made her decision based on my response. That is what kills me so much. So anyway back to me, I really did have ambition, I was talented and happy at one point in my life. There are plenty of things I could do and would like to do but like I said I do not have the desire anymore. Since the relationship ended I gathered some large debts, my own fault, then became involved with somebody else and although she often nagged about my debt and tried to help me, if anything she caused them to increase. This girl, although I loved her, was nothing but trouble. She was diagnosed 'Borderline Personality Disorder' and she has ripped any shred of self confidence out me. On two occasions, the most recent being just two days before christmas. I got back into a relationship with her after five months apart back in September and it has been a most tiring and stressful three months. Rather than make me feel happy like relationships should, especially if you break up and want to get back with somebody. It brought me to my knees. I became more and more introverted, I lost my confidence, she nagged and belittled, criticized and berated me. She basically treated me like a piece of dirt, walked all over me, used and abused me and ripped my heart out once more. I felt and still feel emotionally and mentally abused. But I also feel like this is all I deserve, to be treated this way. I know i am far better off without her in my life but on the other hand I feel sorry for her because she doesnt mean to be like she is nor does she want to be. I love her but I cannot cope with a relationship like that. I have always felt like I am here to serve a purpose, like I should be helping somebody or something. I dont know what or why. I feel like I am wasted doiing what I am doing but care not to do anything about it. I need motivation, I need leverage but I cannot muster it up from anywhere which makes me think that maybe I dont really want to. I have just called the doctors and they told me that they sent a referral letter off for me to see a psycho therapist two weeks ago, so hopefully I will hear from them soon. In the meantime, I am sitting, dwelling, thinking on the past. I am dreaming of somebody returning who probably doesnt have a care in the world for me. Somebody who loved me like no other. Somebody who I lost because of my own stupidity. Thank you ever so much for your replies, it means a lot to me.

Thanks Hoppy I am seriously having second thoughts about this now. It would be nice if she seen it all as a big romantic gesture but she may just see it as me being a stalker.

Thanks for all your words. Scout I will respond to your larger reply once I have let it all sink in. With regards to closure and acceptance, I guess you are right. I haven't nor never really did accept it. I still cant, I have to but it is not that easy. She did tell me that she would write me or meet me for a chat in time. It never came so I guess in some respects I was and still am waiting for some kind of closure.Doubt it will ever come. I feel so sickened that she loved me so much, begged me for a baby and to marry her and I didnt do it. I just wasnt ready, I was too immature or blind to see what I had. No I haven't.

Scout Perhaps you are right, I am not entirely happy with my presentlife and to be honest as I always am, I feellike I am not happy because of event from the past. Because I am not with the person I desire so much to be with. She was a beautiful girl both physically and mentally. I would hazard a guess that it is unlikely that she is single, which in turn makes me think there is absolutely no point in sending her anything. I dont want to know how she is doing, I want to remind her that I am still here and still holding on to her. Why I would want to do that is anybodys guess because I lost all self respect when she left me. To contact her now and profess undying love to her would more than likely make me look even more foolish. As honest as I can be, I think I still love her, there is no doubt in my mind, I always have. I imagine I will have to continueloving her but from a distance because there is not reallymuch I can do about it. I am/was a very successful individual, I have got a lot of respect in a lot of different circles. I am still reasonably successful in my career etc, lets say I am comfortably happy with my lot. We would all have more if truth be known but I have neither the inclination nor the desire to really do anything other than read and play dumb video games. I am 37 years old by the way, I feel like life is passing me by but wont do anything about it because I feel too old. Too old to meet anybody special, to old tomeet anybody who will want children (who doesnt already have children) I just feel like I have had my chance and thats that. I feelsorry formyselfon a daily basis, I smoke toomuch and I have no motivation at work.Often times I fall asleep at my desk. I feel ugly and worthless most of the time and dont have much of a social life. My friends (same age) go out every weekend. They nevermeetgirls but to be honest they are not really that bothered. I dont drink and find these bars and clubs tiresome old cattlemarkets. Iam old beyond my time and the ex girlfriend even said this to me at the end of our relationship. She said I would wind up a very lonely man. I think she was right. I need help and encouragment but I know ultimately I am the only one to do it.But right now I see no purpose.

Thanks Bethany You obviously dont have any feelings for your ex but I do. I am getting on with my life, honestly but I am constantly thinking of her.

Thanks for the responses. Yes I have tried counselling,didnt really help. I am currently waiting to see a psychotherapist. And yes you are right,it doesnt mean I am insane, in fact I am far from it. No offence taken by the way. Most people I know move on quite easily after a relationship ends. I have no idea why I cant. Having said that one of my friends said it was about five years before he truly let go of one particular love, so maybe I am not as bad as some? The more I think about it the more I think if anything were meant to be then she would have contacted me right? but then I think, what if she thinks I may tell her where to go after her being so cruel to me. I understand why she was cruel though, it was not intentionally to hurt me, just what she had to do to survive. I dont know, i will have to think about it some more,maybe reconsider after I have seen this therapist, if I ever get an appointment. I am not obsessed by the way, as far as I can see, I am infatuated and in love with the past.

Thats my problem I think. I see it as being my only and last chance. I think you only get one shot at True Love. I am confused and hurting three years after a relationship ended. That doesnt seem right to me.

I have thought long and hard about things believe me. Thing is she did love me like noody ever did before or has done since. I have been on many dates and even became involved with somebody to the point of discussing marriage and children. However I still could not get this other woman out of my head. (Not the reason for my last relationship ending by the way, she just had too many issues that neither of us could deal with) I have no idea how she will react, I have tried thinking about things fromherperspective I really have and I dont know how she will react. She loves the whole idea of romance or at least she did. Romantic gestures mean a lot to her. But I doubt it would mean a lot if she is happily married to somebody else. After we broke up, I acted childishly andselfishly to the point of really annoying her. The last contact we had was quite mellow. She said she would never hate me as I explained my feelings for her and why I was so persistent. I apologised for being so clingy but I was out of control with communication to be honest and it drove her insane. I regret it so much now, I wish I had just let her go but I couldnt, I was so depressed at the time anyway and this was just the last straw. I couldnt eat,sleep orfunction correctly. My head was somessed up and I kept thinking of new things I needed to say to her that I thought at the time may just bring her back. Obviously nothing worked. Perhaps I am obsessed with her,perhaps I am building her up into something she is not. All I know is that of all the relationships I have had, I cannot forget this one. It is ridiculous I know. She was just so perfect and after the last relationship I am even more convinced that this was the girl for me. I dont know anymore, I wish somebody would bring her back tomeor just take her out ofmy head.

Well the thing is I did a directory enquiry search to find her number and it would seem only her brother lives at her old address now. There doesnt seem to be a person with her name registered anywhere on the voters roll. So I put two and two together and come up with her being married? Maybe? It seems like I am going to great lengths to find this girl, which some may seem as bordering on obsessive. I am not, I assure you. That is why I thought of sending a brief note to her friend. I dont know it all seems like two much hassle and like I may be doing the wrong thing but on the other hand I may always wonder what if?

Well I was thinking the same until I read shes2smarts post and it made me feel a bit crazy. I wouldn't want to rock the boat if she is in a serious relationship and I certainly wouldnt want her passing my note over to her significant other. How embarrassing.

Wow, I Was thinking of contacting my ex after three years. Your story is similar to mine. Almost identical reasons for her ending the relationship. A bad time in my life, my depression. Me turning into a different man than the man she fell in love with. Then she left. Almost identical to your situation. I am still contemplating trying to reach her but am fearful she may think I am a stalker or something.

Well I think that has made me feel kind of creepy in itself. I guess I imagined the whole thing playing out like a romantic fairytale. I guess I still have delusions of her loving me. You know when we were together I never knew anybody could love somebody as much as she loved me. My breakup was a similar thing, she wanted kids and marriage, I wasnt ready and had heaps of problems at the time. My own fault I guess. I cannot stop dreaming of her and it is convincing me it is a sign to contact her. Pretty pathetic really. I have no expectations if I send the letter but now I am more than a little apprehensive as I dont want her to think I am some kind of freak stalker. Thanks

I think I can probably anticipate the responses to this question before I begin but I would really appreciate some advice. My GF left me three years ago this month. I was devestated, more than I have ever been affected by the end of a relationship before or since. I did all the classic begging, pleading, letter writing, emails, phone calls etc. All to no avail. After six months I became involved with somebody else and was with ehr for two years but throughout the relationship I still missed the ex. So now, three years later and I am still thinking about her. I was contemplating dropping her a line but it would appear she has moved. Perhaps married, I dont know. I still have her friends address and she still lives there. I was considering dropping her a line and basically saying something along these lines. 'I have no idea where 'Elisha' is, she may well be married. I would never want to complicate any relationship she may be in nor would I wish to upset her. But I would appreciate it if you would perhaps one day let her know that I was asking about her and please just tell her I am sorry. I trust you will use your better judgement as to when and where to pass on my words. If indeed there ever is a right time" Obviously I will fill the letter with a little small talk concentrating on the recipient but not too long or deep. Anyhow, thats about it really, like I say she may well be married and have children and / or perfectly happy with somebody else. If so, I sincerely wish her the best. But you never know, she may well be thinking of me? Doubtful but you never know. One of the last things she said to me was "if we are meant to be together, we will be" Obviously somebody has to initiate that, dont you think? Regards