imagination

sorry forgot to ad: he is honest and trustworthy now within our relationship and always has. I have no doubt in my mind about his commitment to me. (keep in mind I ALSO cheated and have been able to upkeep honesty and commitment to him as well, so it IS possible)

I have no doubt in my mind that this insecurity stems from the mistakes we made early on in the relationship, and this is an isolated case. Generally I am very laid back with relationships, but not used to a monogamous relationship. Any advice?

Needing some advice here. I think I'm crazy!!! I have a boyfriend of about 5 months and our relationship is great. It has really blossomed and I honestly couldn't ask for anything more. However, we both came into this relationship with terrible pasts. (we both got together through cheating, yes horrible, I know) anyways, although we have worked (and are still working) through the endless obstacles that this has obviously created I am STILL feeling jealous about his past. The thing is, logically, I think "he didnt even know me" and "my past is generally the same" but I just get so jealous and obsess about it to the point that I am worried it will ruin what we have. He is patient with my incessant questioning, but it does cause strain, I can see it in his eyes. I hate myself for being this way and I need help. How can I forget his past and move on with our life? This relationship means so much to me and he hasn't done anything wrong but I always feel like I treat him like he has. I mean, they were choices he made in the past before he even knew I existed, WHY am I jealous?! It's only been 5 months, will this just run it's course and pass with time or am I always going to be green!? The funny thing is, I'm not jealous at all when it comes to the present. I am confident and happy, and even though both of us get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, we are dedicated to each other and I trust him completely. So WHY my obsession about his past!? We have talked about this endlessly, and he asks me what he can do to help me, and he does everything I ask. He's honest, trustworthy, puts his heart and soul into this and it's still not enough for me! Please help me! Any advice would mean the world.

Thank you for the suggestions. I do agree that it would be moving fast in seeing my ex right away, it just feels a bit strange not seeing him after seeing him everyday. Although we have only been "officially" broken up for a few months, this has been a few years long process and by the time we made it official, we had already been broken up in my heart for awhile. (this was a mistake I made in not telling him sooner, I know) Regardless, I let him know yesturday that us seeing each other was out of the question until my current boyfriend felt comfortable enough to allow it, and he accepted that. Really, communicating through MSN is enough now just so that I can know how family is doing etc. He also helps my mom out with various errands and spends time with my dad, but both my parents and he agreed not to do it when I'm around, and I comfortable with that arrangement. My current boyfriend knows that my ex is still around my parent's house on occasion, so no surprises, at least, if by accident he IS there. My ex and current boyfriend did meet. It was not fun at all, just an awkward exchange really. My ex was fine with it (but he is not the jealous type) and my current got quite upset after the meeting, mainly I think because he was hoping in a way my ex would be an * * * * * * * or something (which I can understand) I hope that I will be able to eventually have my ex still in my life, but like everyone has suggested, it is probably best to take my time with this, and place importance on my boyfriends feelings. Thanks!

I am just looking for some unbiased views on my situation. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of seven years (lived with him for 6) about 4 months ago. It was not necessarily an ugly break-up, we had been growing apart for a couple years, unhappy etc. and I met someone else and fell in love. I told him everything, and although he was devasted, he understood. We had NC for about 2-3 months aside from picking up my mail, running into him on occasion. However, we have started talking again and have both agreed that we are ready to start building a friendship, as we spent many years together and know each other well and care about each other and our families (he is quite close to my family and I to his) This is not, in any way, an attempt by either of us to get back into a sexual relationship of any kind, and I feel no need for or attraction to him, we just care enough that we don't want to be completely gone from each other's lives. So, I don't forsee any problems. My new boyfriend is very uncomfortable with this. Following my conversation with my ex, I asked my boyfriend if he would be ok with me meeting my ex for a coffee once and awhile and he said he would not be. So, of course, I told my ex that he would have to wait until my current boyfriend was comfortable with the situation before we could move on. He understood and we now talk via MSN as that is what the current boyfriend is comfortable with at this time. I am wondering how I can address to my boyfriend that I would like to keep in regular touch with my ex without him being uncomfortable. I respect his feelings and would not be comfortable with him seeing his ex girlfriend either, but he was only with her for a couple months as opposed to seven years. Should I just wait it out, or is this something he should respect for me (ie. trust me that it is only for plutonic reasons) I feel my ex will always be a part of my life and I don't think the current boyfriend will accept that well. Should I just have patience? Any advice on helping my current boyfriend feel comfortable about this? Things I can do for him? I will not see my ex until he says he is ok with it, but I would like to visit with him and start rebuilding a friendship soon. Opinions? Thanks!

From the day I met him, whenever I looked n his eyes, the world spun, so I knew there was something special about him. Fell in love awhile later when we sat up all night and he read me his entire journal from when he lived in Italy and travelled europe and I showed him pictures of when I went to New York City. We discovered that night that we shared very similar dreams and that what we wanted from life was exactly the same. It was a simple thing I guess, but to us, it was very profound.

if it bothers you, then you aren't over-reacting. It all depends on how you feel about chatting online.

just a little update, he and I talked everything over, I showed him this page and let him read what everyone has written. He knows and understands now what is going through my head, and he and I are going to try and work through this and he is willing to do anything for this relationship and I as well. After reading what everyone has said he immediately phoned up his ex (he hasn't spoken to her since the break up) and was completely honest with her about everything he'd done and everything that went on between us while they were still together. She was upset, of course, but told him she was just happy that he had the balls to tell her the truth, now he is able to put it all behind him, and I'm able to put it behind me. So, we are going to see if this works, I'll keep you updated, its going to be a long road but I hope that our love for each other will give us the power. Just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to help me, I think the time you took to type out some advice has made a huge difference for me in this relationship. He and I were able to go over everything that was said and discuss it and it brought a whole new level of honesty to this. I think we have hope, thank you so much! Some advice, never start a relationship on infedelity, no matter how much you like the person, it is worth it to wait and keep it sacred!

yes I am certainly concerned with the "I will be the different one" attitude. I try to be as realistic as possible and I think, why would it be any different with me? I am fully aware that it is very likely that he will treat me the same which is WHY I am having these concerns. I dont want to fall into that attitude.

No, he was lieing flat out to his girlfriend, *ping* another red flag, god life is hard!!!!

Thanks for the advice, I have absolutely no disagreements with what you've all said. I just want to be clear on how to deal with this situation. Should I stay with him but not get engaged? or should I get out of this before I get hurt? I noticed that some of you looked over the fact that I was less than perfect coming into this relationship as well, but am decidedly faithful now, could he not be the same? and about spreading disease, I was always using protection and my previous boyfriend and I were in an open relationship (due to problems), he did know about my new one, he just didn't know it would get serious. I am all about honesty in that sense which is why I'm having a hard time. Overall, my gut is being completely contradictory, I cannot rely on it, because it tells me different things all the time. That is why I need sound unbiased advice!!! I am very fond of this man, but should I waste my time if getting hurt is inevitable? 1-3% is really horrible odds!

I have been dating a very special person for just over 2 months. Everything is great except for one thing that I feel is jeopardizing our relationship. We started off in a bad way, both of us were in unhappy relationships and we were looking for something random. We ended up connecting very well on many levels and fell for each other immediately. So, now that we have both broken off ties with our previous relationship, we are exclusive (we slept together for about a week while still with our significant other, before we decided that this was more than just random, in which case we ended our other relationships promptly) I am, of course, having tremendous trust issues. He seems comfortable enough, in fact, he is very trusting and very good to me. He doesn't behave too suspiciously, he is flirtatious but I'm not uncomfortable with that, as it is a trait we both share and he always respects any lines that shouldn't be crossed. We spend pretty much everyday together, in fact, we haven't had a day apart really since we met. I feel so insecure, I feel like I have to see him everyday in order to ensure he is faithful, and when I don't see him, I get terribly panicky. It's just not healthy!! I have tried to end the relationship a couple of times due to this (because you can't have a relationship with someone you don't trust) but he insists that we work on it and that I give him the chance to prove to me that he can be faithful. I'm just not sure, sometimes I worry that his flirting will go too far, or it does when I'm not around. There was a incident earlier in our relationship when he flirted with a friend of mine unacceptably online. (he wasn't aware that she was my friend, and no I didn't set her up to do it or anything) it seemed that halfway through the conversation he "clued-in" that it was my friend and started saying he wasn't sure what was going on with his girlfriend (me) and that if we broke up he would get together with her. He claimed it was just flirting, and it very well could have been and it was also VERY early on in our relationship, and I had given him the impression that I may be leaving him earlier that day due to our relationship being "too much" Bottom line is- relationship is great, he treats me with absolute respect, love and admiration, the sex is fantastic, HE is fantastic. He has a great career, my parents love him, his parents love me. We are genuinely happy and get along great, HOWEVER, I can't trust him, I question every word he says to me. I worry constantly that he is going to cheat on me. I was also a cheater when we started this and am adamently faithful now, but I just can't see why he would be. He has asked me to marry him (we would get engaged but not be married for a year) and I want to say yes but I don't know if I should. What do I do? Will I learn to trust him or will this never work. Should I trust him? If he was a cheater before (only with the one girlfriend btw) will he be a cheater always?? Is the inappropriate online flirting (which he stopped immediately when I confronted him about it) just a mistake he made and should I let it go? This has been very hard for both of us, but he insists that what we have is worth working for and says that love is not always easy. We have a definate intense connection and to throw it away would upset me and him greatly, but I can't have a relationship without trust and I can't keep questioning him the way I do. He has been so good to me, he has every reason to not trust me, but does and never questions me. I on the other hand feel like I'm going to push him into the bad behavior I accuse him of. What do I do!? please help!!!