seg172

Okay so I posted something earlier this week describing some serious defects in my relationship. All including the fact that I cheated on my boyfriend twice and he cheated and lied to get back at me. Jeez, it makes me sound like a horrible vendictive person! Anyway, as an update, we went away to Ireland for a quick trip to try and sort things out. That way we didn't associate any bad feelings with where we live and who we live with. We wanted to keep it neutral. As it turns out, Neither of us want to give up on our relationship, since we really are great together, but our biggest problem is getting over what the other person has done. This can not be a get out of jail free card forever. Not to mention our families and friends hate each other. Each person was in the wrong for their own actions and the healing process has already been disrupted, but is there anyway that we can trust each other again, and put this all behind us?? I refuse to believe that people can't change, but they have to be willing to do it. How can we make this work? Is it possible to get to where we were? or better?

I have just started get involved in these chats, but I can offer you my best advice since I have been where you are. Quick overview, I am with my boyfriend for six years. He was my first everything. I met him my first year of college. I dated him up until now, and I can put myself in her shoes, so maybe I will give you a better perspective on things. SHe loves you, make no mistake. But there is a time in everyone's life where they become curious about others. You can have the most wonderful relationship in the world, but if there has been no one else, than it is really hard for you to realize what you have. There is no benchmark. My boyfriend for the most part was perfect. He was the envy of all my friends and family. He brought me flowers, told me I was beautiful, hung out with my friends, told his friends he was madly in love with me. We had all the same goals and dreams, jokes and everything. Like you, two sides of the same coin. But I still questioned it. Once in College while he was on a study abroad, I kissed another guy. I didn't like him, but it just happened. I wanted to know what it was like. He was the same as you. when I called and told him. Cried on the phone, but forgave me. I never forgot that. I realized how much he loved me and it was so endearing and I loved him for it. As I am sure your girlfriend does. But, I am getting to my point now. 2 years later I left the country and was on my own, and the feeling that I wanted to know what it was like to be with others. I loved my boyfriend, but I was scarred of being with him. So, I broke up with him, after I had kissed someone. He again begged me not to do it. So I didn't, but then again, I ended up fully cheating on him majorly for months after we were engaged. It was so much worse than if I had just hung up the phone instead the first time I tried to break up with him. Which brings me to the reason why you are feeling this way. When girls have questions, they don't necessarily go away. I am sure she loves you, and I am sure she asks herself what else she might need. But if she was curious once, she will be curious again. And I think that is what you are worried about. It is not that things are perfect, probably they are, but I am sure she still has questions, and out of love, has not done anything about them......Yet There is a very famous overused quote that says: If you love something, set it free If it comes back to you, it is meant to be and if not..... But, it makes sense. If I were you, I wouldn't be worried about confronting her with your anger, I would be worried about confronting her with her curiousness and her feelings. Make her feel comfortable, and make her see you are strong, if you don't she will never come clean.

Sue, I haven't followed your story from the beginning but, only know what you have just recently written, so..... Sometimes, it is easy to see people as mean and manipulative and doing things to purposfully hurt others. I don't necessarily think that is the case. I think he has generally mixed feelings about your situation. You guys were together for a REALLY long time. Feelings about people you love don't just go away when things change. I truly believe he does still love you in one way or another, and that is why he doesn't want you to leave. He doesn't buy you out because subconsciencly he knows then he has no connection to you. I think it is the same for you. But, I think you need to be careful, becuase he is making you feel guilty. And you should not feel guilty. He cheated on you remember? Then he moved in with her!! If he was serious about being with you, he would be willing to do whatever it is you ask of him. That means, NOT living with this girl and NOT getting angry for asking questions. Sometimes questions are hard, because no one knows what kind of reactions the answers are going to receive and if he is having trouble letting go of you, he isn't going to want to say anything that will make it easier for you to leave. But, rest assured, you have every right to know what has happened. You both need to sit down, and you need to tell him that if he would just answer your questions, and asl long as he answers them, you won't have to ask them again. THAT IS THE VERY LEAST THAT YOU DESERVE!! It is not fair to ask people to make uninformed decisions. It is hard to give up something you have put so much care and love into, but please, take a step back and consider every angle. What would you do if you were in his shoes and wanted you back? Would you still be living with a guy, if you knew it continued to hurt him? Just think about it

Thanks for the advice. Sometimes it is so hard to admitt the truth and sometimes other people need to tell it to you! I have been reading up on all this stuff and everyone says if you think it, probably, 95% of the time it is true. I can't explain to you how wonderful I thought our relationship was before I left. We were the fairytale of all our families and friends. I know that I love him so much and that is why this just hurts so bad. I don't want to admit to myself that I should leave, even though as a rational person, I know that is the answer. I blame myself for everything that has happened, because he did nothing but love me and wait while I was away and I let him down. But still, his reactions were his own choices, and now I am afraid it has just gone too far. God, this hurts so bad.

I am only posting this because I really don't know what to do, and would appreciate any advice you can give. It is sort of a long story so bear with me PLEASE. So I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. He was my first boyfriend, kiss and everything else. I've known him since highschool and he has cheated in all of his previous relationships. However, I have always trusted him in ours. Of that six years we have experienced 3 years intermitently of long distance relationship. about 1.5 yrs ago, I took a job that caused me to travel non-stop for two years. Three months after I left we went through some trouble and took a break for a couple weeks, during which I had cheated on him and never told. Once we got back together I saw him twice. The second time, he asked me to marry him. To be honest, I wasn't sure I was ready for that type of commitment, but said yes anyway. When he went home, I ended up falling in love with my partner in work and dated him for four months. Finally, when I told my fiance he was devistated and broke the engagement. He also told me that he had had a one night stand four years earlier that he never told anyone about. I continued to travel and we continued to talk and finally agreed to see each other after seven weeks of turmoil. When I came to see him we were like normal again and things were starting to go well. We said that we would put all arguments suspicions on the table and try to wipe the slate clean to see if we could begin to heal. At this point he told me there was no one that he had been involved with. As time went by I began to suspect that he was lying. I asked him and he just laughed at me. then I asked around and found out that he had slept with another girl. When I confronted him he still denied it until I told him my source. Finally, he told me, but made me tell him her name, he wouldn't say it. As we began to discuss and I put me evidence down he told me that after one month of us living together and working things out, when I was away to visit family, he slept with her again. At this point, I had quit my job and moved to a new country for him. We were supposedly back on track and moving forward. He had seen me only the day before, and still went ahead with his action. I know that initially, they were a reaction to my horrible actions, but I am worried there is more that I don't know. He is very secretive about his actions and his friends didn't even know about her. Now, she is the sister of our roommates girlfriend and I am forced to see her all the time. My dilemma is that, after my experiences it only made me see that what I had was so great and I would give anything to get him back, but now I find out all of these secrets that he obviously is very good at keeping. I want to know how many more skeletons are in his closet, and is this relationship worth saving? Will we ever get back to where we were? And now I wonder... Where were we anyway? PLEASE Somebody help me!