Tameran

This problem may seem a bit strange, may even seem to be quite inconsequential to some of you out there, but it just keeps haunting me... So here goes: I'm a guy, average I guess, far from being perfect. I have girl problems, school troubles, and although I love my job I'd still rather get paid for doing nothing . But therein doesn't lie the issue I want to bring up... One of the things I love most to do is help people. Help them with homework, offer moral support, help them move, fix their computer, give them a ride... whatever. And I love to do it; it makes me feel good, and I don't expect anyhing special in return but their friendship. Only that's the problem: recently, I've been feeling like my friends don't appreciate what I do for them anymore, that they take me way too much for granted. Now, I don't think I'm a glory hog. I don't expect to get a round of applause everytime I show up or anything, but I do appreciate a 'thank you' once in a while. Is that really a lot to ask? I mean, it's gotten to the point where they expect me to give up not only my free time, ressources and knowledge for them, but also to get lost afterwards... Here's an example: there's this girl I like, and being the way that I am, I like to help her with things. Things like homework and family troubles. It used to be that she asked for my help once in a while, when things got too heavy for her; now, she just expects me to deliver advice and answers for her on cue, and before her new boyfriend gets home 'cause she wouldn't want to take from their time together. Nosireeebob! *Okay, I guess you can probably tell that there's some other issues that need to be worked out between us two, so here's another piece of non-biased example: My best friend barely speaks to me anymore. When she does, it's because she wants something from me. She never has time to talk on the phone, she won't type three words in a row when I'm on the other end of the chat, and forget about spending any kind of time together... it's not gonna happen. And my friends are the kind of people that spend their saturdays looking at repeats of infomercials on TV, that's how boring they are, so it's not because they don't have time or anything... It didn't use to be that way... I don't think I've changed since then... so what? I feel like they see me as just some ressource they can exploit and then forget about until the next time they require assistance. Should I stop proposing to help? Is this somehow, nowadays, perceived as an indication that they can walk all over me and I won't say a word?

Ok, putting aside the very simple (yet also very possible) reason that he doesn't *own* a decent picture of you he could put on his wall (in which case, my advice is to buy a camera and roll of film), I want to bring up another possibility, which you'll probably think is crazy, yet... I have to admit that I myself have never kept a picture of my girlfriends anywhere. Not in my room, my locker or my office. Not in my wallet or any scrapbook either. And certainly not on my computer's desktop. Why you'll ask? Not because I didn't adore them, all in turn, but simply because, well, it kinda distracted me... I don't care to push the stereotype that guys don't have very good attention spans (it's really not true; I once knew this guy who could talk while listening to TV and code hexadecimal encriptions on his computer... but I'm getting besides the subject here), but the reality remains: for me, it's true. Especially when I'm in love! When she's around, even in picture form, I forget about work, homework and deadlines. If I kept a picture album of her, I'd spend my time going trough it. And then, that wouldn't be enough and I'd have to call her up to talk to her. And then I'd have to drop by her place 'cause I misssed her so much. After a while she'd probably get tired of this don't you think? Thus, the reason why I don't keep pictures. Not one, not anywhere besides in my heart.

Wow! Was that ever bad timing. Having these two completely separate events happen to him in a relatively short amount of time can really have him question the soundness of his own decisions... the very nature of your relationship. I guess the best advice I can deliver is to leave him time to deal, while still keeping a manner of contact with him; even impersonal contact like emails is better than non at all. More importantly, try to understand the shock your love-interest has experienced. From his perspective, the one who was probably the most important person in his life has both rejected his love and stabbed him in the back. I'm certain that by now, you've tried all you can to convince him that you had nothing to do with your mom's actions, so for now, leave him some time. As long as he's aware that you're not behind his getting in trouble at work, the time he spends reflecting on the last few days can only be beneficial. When you're on speaking terms again, try to communicate to him all the things you've told us here. Understanding the reason behind your rash words will go a long way toward healing his recently-inflicted wound. Try to make him understand why you suddenly felt the way you did toward him; make sure to carry the meaning that you're not blaming him for anything. Even if your actions were motivated by his actions, words or attitude, it won't do any good to push any blame on him. Finally, once more, be honest with him. He knows you pretty well by now, so as long as he feels you're being truthful with him and he doesn't get the impression you're screwing with him, there's a good hope.

First of all, let me say that I admire the heck out of you for having the strength to start a new life over on your own, to show the WORLD that you were perfectly capable of handling yourself, and doing so using your OWN inner-strength. It seems to me that your past has a lot to do with your current predicament. Not only is it the link that seems to have initially brought you and Mr Right to have a dialogue, it's probably also the reason why your mom tries so hard to keep you safe. From where I stand, it seems that she might feel bad about LETTING you get hurt the first time (conservative people tend to reason that way), and that she wants to protect her little girl from further harm. That being said, what she did was unconscionable; I personally would never forgive either one of my parents for crossing that line... In the reality of facts, I haven't. The only thing I can recommend is to keep in mind that she most probably did it for what seemed, in her perception, to be your best interest. This new man in your life is obviously very important to you; you felt confortable enough to confide in him when you needed moral support, and even though you might think he's under the impression you're not ready to get involved, I think he's probably on to the fact that you like him. But you're very right to think that he's probably overwhelmed by the opposing nature of what you're telling him. Here's an idea that might make things easier: just tell him how you feel. You'd be surprised at how very effective pure honesty can be. Games and signals can overwhelm guys (being one myself, I'd know...), especially when they overlap and seem to contradict one another. Given your history with this person, and his knowledge of your past relationship, it's more likely that EVEN if he likes you, he's very confused and scared about approaching you. It might also go a long way toward restoring his trust in you, and to show him that you'd be ready to consider building a relationship with him. Best of luck, and I know that if anyone has the courage to go through with it, it's you

ok, here goes... I was never very good at giving advice; in fact I try to avoid it whenever possible. But when I read your post, something inside me stirred in that oh-so-familiar way and now I feel compelled to try and help. So here's what I have to say: Be there for her. As a friend, a lover, a delivery boy, whatever she lets you in as. I'm sure it won't be easy for you, for either of you, but in time, when she feels she can really open up to you, when she realizes you will never leave her, that you feel her pain as well as your own, that's when she'll realize how lucky she is to have someone's arms in which she can be held when she feels her own strength dwindling. Before you choose to do anything, be advised that these next months will definitely not be easy, and that the hurting you feel everynight before going to sleep will only grow with each passing day. But tell yourself that whatever additional pain you feel building up inside you will result in hers getting slightly better. Judging by the way you spoke of your love, I think it's worth it. I wish you both the best