smiles21

Yea, I will use this thread for my journal.. Day 1 NC.. I feel like I gained some self respect back..

It wasn't easy.. waking up this morning wasn't either, knowing I had cut contact from her.. although we both know we can still contact eachother.. I know the best thing for me is to let her come to me when she's ready.. This morning was tough... boy does it hurt.

She called a bit later to finish our conversation on the phone, I answered, kept my composure.. Told her how I felt about everything, and she was crying, kept bringing up how she molded me for 4 years and now everything I want she has been wanting, but she fell out of love.. and it crushes her. And how I wont contact her, If she wants to be with me, she will have to be the one to do the contact, could be days, months years later.. and she will have to do it.. kept getting mad about that. I told her I loved her, and hung up the phone.. and "I'll talk to you when I talk to you".. left it open.. I kept my composure the whole time, not crying like she was.. IT actually felt good for a change.. Felt like I left it up to her.. she knows I love her still.. I guess its time to work on me alone now..

She texted me like 15 minutes after I sent it, I was on my way out of work.. and she is a combination of pissed among other things, she's still texting me at the moment asking why, and how our talk the other night meant nothing, and how when the relationship is put on me, I just give up..

Just sent this.. I need to regain myself, and myself respect.. This is it. my possible last email to her.. Christina, I thought I’d write to you, as it’s easier to get my complete thoughts accross. I have been doing a lot of thinking in the past day or so, and I don’t know how this is going to work. I don’t see the girl I once fell in love with anymore, I’m not sure where she went.. but she seems lost right now. And I don’t know how to get that back. I cant make you fall back in love with me. That’s something your heart is going to have to do. Maybe it will take time away from me, or something else to bring it back, or it may be gone forever, I’m not sure. You were my true love, I know that for sure, nothing in my past relationships would have me ever have me go back to them. I know I cant go day by day wondering, wondering if she will ever come back. I guess what’s meant to be will be. And I’m not being up and down about my feelings, or faking it one day, I’ve always loved you, you know that. I just cant deal with you being angry because I stopped down to a friends house when we aren’t even together and calling you out of nowhere and you getting mad at me for it, and sending txt’s and getting not much back, and having you get mad and upset about how my ex girlfriend looks.. Yea me and Shari had a long relationship and cared about each other, but that was long over, and for you to get upset and depressed, I just don’t understand. Then you get mad at me for it, for everything.. How I have so called “new friends”, which I don’t, I just cant hang out with the ones I used to, as I feel they have clung to you, and that’s OK, I cant change how someone else feels. I don’t hold grudges, I would still bend over backwards for any of those guys. The same goes for your family, even past all the issues, I still love your Mom, she and I have had our differences, but I appreciate and truly do care about your entire family. I just show my caring in different ways I guess, the same for my caring about you. Sure, I didn’t say I love you enough I’m sure, but you know it was there. You could look at me from accross the room and see it, just as if our eyes met. I really do wish the best for your family, they are a tight knit group and I really do care about them, and will be sad to not see them on a daily basis. It was always about you and me, and noone else. Then all these other factors started playing into our relationship, even though I tried to fight them off. Yea, I neglected you, and I apologized day in and day out, and I guess you just cant forgive me for that, and that’s something I’ll take with me and deal with. We had fights, and issues before, but we always got through them, It’s like you held onto them to bring up stuff to be angry with me about. I cant have that.. I cant have the person who is most special to me talk behind my back, and not be able to confide in knowing it’s our personal life, noone elses. I never thought that barrier would be broken. That wasn’t the Christina from ITT-Tech that would help me cheat through the math tests, lol. Yea, we had a ton of beautiful memories, theres no denying that, and I will always cherish and remember them. I still think about stuff from four years ago today, and it makes me smile. We did so many great things together, but I don’t know where that girl went.. Your not her anymore.. your feelings are all over the place, partially which is because of how things have been in your life I assume. But I’m not going to tell you how your feeling, only how I see things. I watched you start to drift away as soon as we started hanging out with a new crowd, you weren’t the same girl. You were so distant.. And I know I’m not perfect, I havn’t done everything right, but I went on loving and caring about you, through thick and thin. I know when you contacted me to start talking again a year ago, you were happy, and missed me, and realized you did love me, and that’s why I fell back in love with you.. I never made you work for me, I just asked you that noone should interfere in our relationship, our most private possession… I need to find that girl that will be there for me, that wants to do the same things I do, that wants to raise children together, and dress them up in skate stuff, and take them to the track, and monster truck night, and crazy stuff.. and just love them.. I’m at a point in my life where I need to move forward, and I don’t see you wanting the same things as me anymore. I’m going to sell my truck and buy a bike and a 4x4 truck, and move out in a year, and start my life away from home, I know that’s what you wanted a year ago, but we both know we weren’t financially ready and it’s a shame our visions have swapped. But only your heart can truly tell you what you want. And you know I’d fight for you, but why.. if your not willing to work on it with me. That’s the only way its ever going to work.. And if you feel like that someday, feel free to contact me.. But I don’t think that’s what you want right now. I cant make you fall back in love, only your heart can, and maybe time can.. or maybe your too far down that path. And I know how to get a hold of you too, I have different feelings right now than I think you do. I was there for your accident, I cared for you, I saw my life flash before me when that happened. It felt so good taking care of you. I don’t think I have ever loved you as much as I do now, so that’s whats hard about letting you go. But I think that’s the only way for me to start to get my feelings in check. They are all over the place right now, because I’m at such a loss on what to do. Your feelings jump everywhere, and you just don’t have that love for me anymore, and it hurts, but I need to step back I guess. I need you to find that love, I cant put it inside you. I’ve realized that. Only your heart can tell you how you truly feel. I need to give you some space. I’m not asking for a reply to this, I just needed you to know how I’m feeling. So.. I suppose this is goodbye for now. From the bottom of me, I truly love you Christina. Ryan [2103]

MajorD, thank you for your post.. I'm reading it right now, and I'll respond further when I have a little more time. Thank you again.. you are truly helping me see out of this darkness. I feel like I should write an email to her about not wanting to talk anymore, and not just drop off the face of the earth NC. As I did that before and she got mad I didn't let her know I was giving her space. Started writing and email and didn't know what to say, lol.. I'm starting to realize this is an unhealthy situation for me..

Yea.. I'm not sure what to do anymore... NC might be the only thing, as I'm not moving on any talking to her and trying to make things work, and doing the effort.. as she sits back and just gets mad at stuff, and is generally just being difficult.

Problem is, I sent a text message this morning saying good morning as I usually do. And I would call her later. I dont have cell service at my job inside, so when I go outside I normally get a reply. Been a couple hours now, so I might have got one. Not sure. So if I were to stop calling her, she's going to be pushed away and say my behavior is up and down again and just say screw it. She made it aparent that I had to do the work to make US work.. So I was gonna ask her to the movies tonight, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe she wants me jumping through hoops. I cant handle this up and down behavior. UGH It's killing me. Maybe I need to just tell her I dont think we should talk anymore, I dont see how I should be tolerating this behavior.. her looking at my ex's pictures saying it makes her feel like crap, and she's prettier than she is. And then she told me to look at her pics, so I did, and then got mad at me for it. Not to mention I went to that party and she kept saying "Oh, you are busy, dont talk to me when your in a crowd".. Jesus, what's her problem? She's like trying to make herself unhappy. And its not like im a bad looking guy, I have a good job (She really doesn;t) I'm not in debt like she is, I work out, am athletic, I get girls. For some reason I'm stuck on this one! UGH. Maybe it will take NC for a long time for her to realize, and if she doesn't she was never worth my time. I feel like I'm pulling my hair out with effort here.. And She's 21, I'm 23.. maybe she's at that age.. I dunno. It's been 4 long years.

Any thoughts? I went to a halloween party last night, and I called her from it to see if she was OK. She kept sayins " You sound busy since your out, I dont really wanna talk". So she gets pissed I went there too.. Jesus.

Well I emailed one of my buddies Joe, lets see what he replies with. See, the thing is, the group is really immature, and the one kid, Jim, treats his GF ( my ex's now friend ) like dirt. Not to mention Jim eyes and flirts with my ex, but that's beside the point, and aparently noone notices that but me. (it's hard to just say these aren't my true friends and let them go, as we hung out for the past like 4 months, every weekend). Jim: 23 Jim's GF (21) My Ex (soon to be 21) Joe (18..) And Me (23) Last night we had the talk in the truck about everything, and I told her how my ex before her that I dated for a year and a half, lives right near Jim's GF. This may have been a mistake, but I felt like it was something that I had to be honest about. It's not like I ever talked to her, but regardless. I never really talked about my previous relationship with her to my current ex. And she didn't ask. So what happened.. So I talk to the ex today, be nice through texts, and just try to be sweet. She then replies with, right before I'm about to leave work, "So I just saw a picture of your ex". She freaking went on to myspace, and went to Jim's GF's page AND CALLED JIMS GF, and just found her as one of Jim's GF's myspace friends. I didn't know if they knew eachother but I guess they do. So I called her after work and she's like.. "Yea, I looked at her picture because I had to see her, I wanted to know what she looked like. And now I feel like crap". I'm like "Why?" She said " Cus she's really pretty.. prettier than me, and were alike.." Then she proceeded to ask about the entire relationship! That happened 5 years ago! And everything that happened! And kept putting herself down. Maybe she has self esteem issues I dunno. Said it hurt her self-esteem. So I'm like what the hell, in my head. Why the hell would she do that. I pretty much said I'll talk to you later.. bye.

Yea, I can see how that would be apparent. And you could be right, I dont know. I know it fluctuates, as I feel like i need to chase her for a few days, and I do, and then I stop and she gets angry and says that I just stopped contacting her, and that makes her emotions jump up and down all over the place. She then says, "You only try for like a couple days, that isn't going to take the heartache of what you did to me for a month away". My mom says I should chase her, show her how I can be, and then I can look back and say I tried if it doesn't work. I know NC would not work here, she probably wouldn't contact me, and would go on her merry way with her new friends now. That of course, were mine.. but they now cling to her. I dont know if im being badmouthed or what. But they really havn't called me since we broke up. She feels I made her fall out of love with her, so I need to get her back into it.. Is that physically possible?

Well, I dunno, maybe she is thinking up every reason to hate me, to get me out of her system.. but she says the reason for the breakup is how I have been treating her the past few months.. and she doesn't know how she got pushed so far away from me. I neglicted, ignored her.. and just did nasty things that "made her fall out of love".. She wants me to show her.. and is putting things in my hands about her feelings, and wants me to put the effort she put in that I never did. I would get mad that she would drive to my buddies house, whom I introduced her to (She became friends with his GF) not to mention he's wicked shady now, and always has cheated on his GFs, and would be there like a half hour before me when we all had mutual plans to go to a hayride.. or out to dinner.. And I would ignore her because she used to come pick me up. But all of a sudden it was easier to just meet there. Then would be distant.. Now she hangs out with my friends I introduced her to and they dont call me.. because " they are mad at you for how you treated them".. whatever that means. She cant even make her own friends for christ sakes.

Well, for starters I neglicted her out the ying yang. I put other things first that weren't her.. me.. my truck.. stuff I liked to do, I took her for granted. She would just sit with me even though she didn't like doing it to be with me, but when it came down to do stuff for her, I was too busy. Definitely my fault, and isn't much I can do about it. I wasn't seeing the idiot guy I was being.. I ignored her and got jelous of STUPID immature things, and pushed her away.. It was majorly my fault.. A lot of neglect.. I will admit.

We ended up getting back together like a year ago, and are apart again working on things, it's a long story.. read some of my previous posts for more info.

I'm with the others. He probably is curious about what your doing, its natural. My ex did that to me when we broke up, she would check my myspace, and my AIM stuff all the time. It drove me nuts, I had to remove her. Your going to kill yourself wondering, I'd remove it.. And move forward. If he wants to come back he will.

Well, It seems as if he met someone new? And I'm sure you dont want to hear this hun, but he asked you to not contact him.. By contacting him you are pushing him away even further. I would respect his decision, and this may be what it takes for him to realize the grass isn't greener somewhere else. He may come back to you after he realizes she isn't so great. Took my ex 2 months of dating someone else till she contacted me and came running back. I would do whats best for you.. heal. Move forward.. He will contact you if he wants to talk to you. NC hun.. time to work on you.

(Sorta double post) We met up last night after the email from yesterday, I told her I need to let her know how I feel, and to know how she feels. We talked for about 3 hours, and I cried, and she cried. She is just upset that she has gotten to this point.. after four years a couple bad months have corrupted things. She says she doesn't know what it will take to get her back, something I need to figure out. And I need to fight for her, and show her who I can be. Not for a day, a week, a month.. I need to get her back into my life, and I'm going to fight.. I'm going to force myself to change my personality, and how I acted, and to CALL HER more, and text her, not her texting me. I need to do it all one way.. and not change day by day.. not go one day talking, and then three days not. NC wont work for me, she will be gone if I were to continue it. I have to wear my heart on my sleeve.. and If it doesn't work, and she doesn't come back.. I can SAY I TRIED. And never look back and have doubts. And I gave it my best.This is my last chance.. Last night it was pretty emotional, she would just say she doesn't want to talk to me if she didn't want to try. I know I pushed her away, I need to pull her back. When we were done talking I had her get out of the truck, and just hugged her.. we both hugged eachother tight and cried, and I looked into her eyes and said I loved her.. and she said the same thing back. Probably just sat out in the cold for 5 minutes shivering. I didn't want it to end. I then told her she needed to go, and I would watch her leave.. She drove off and I texted her a couple times, and she replied.. she said she loved me, and to show her what I'm about.. This is my last chance.. all on the line now.

We met up last night after the email from yesterday, I told her I need to let her know how I feel, and to know how she feels. We talked for about 3 hours, and I cried, and she cried. She is just upset that she has gotten to this point.. after four years a couple bad months have corrupted things. She says she doesn't know what it will take to get her back, something I need to figure out. And I need to fight for her, and show her who I can be. Not for a day, a week, a month.. I need to get her back into my life, and I'm going to fight.. I'm going to force myself to change my personality, and how I acted, and to CALL HER more, and text her, not her texting me. I need to do it all one way.. and not change day by day.. not go one day talking, and then three days not. NC wont work for me, she will be gone if I were to continue it. I have to wear my heart on my sleeve.. and If it doesn't work, and she doesn't come back.. I can SAY I TRIED. And never look back and have doubts. And I gave it my best.This is my last chance.. Last night it was pretty emotional, she would just say she doesn't want to talk to me if she didn't want to try. I know I pushed her away, I need to pull her back. When we were done talking I had her get out of the truck, and just hugged her.. we both hugged eachother tight and cried, and I looked into her eyes and said I loved her.. and she said the same thing back. Probably just sat out in the cold for 5 minutes shivering. I didn't want it to end. I then told her she needed to go, and I would watch her leave.. She drove off and I texted her a couple times, and she replied.. she said she loved me, and to show her what I'm about.. This is my last chance.. all on the line now.

Yea it feels like I did, I need to truly know how she feels, and the back and forth behavior, I just cant tolerate it anymore... She cant have her cake and eat it too. I cant be putting in 100% and her giving nothing back..

That's why I sent it, I cant be in this limbo stage, its eating me alive. I figured I might as well put all my cards on the table.

So I need clarification where we stand.. we broke up about a week ago technically.. you can read my other post for a little clarity. She wanted me to fight for her and make her fall back in love with me.. Here's what I sent.. She wanted to talk later on the phone about it, I find its easier to express things in words. Christina, I just thought I'd write to you, as its easier than sending a billion text messages. And I can put how I feel down on paper a little easier than talking. I cant have the feeling of being in limbo all the time, not knowing how your feeling.. or what your thoughts are on everything. Opening up hasn't been the easiest thing for either of us, but I think its what has to be done. I have been pretty open with you the last couple weeks about how I was feeling, and where I wanted to take the relationship. We obviously have different views here, and that's ok. I understand that I didn't treat you so well in the previous month or so, and that pushed you away, I apologized, and all you can do is forgive and forget and move on, If you aren't willing to do that.. I understand. We had a great time at the concert, and I called you all week and was trying to show you how I could be cute and loving, but I wasn't getting anything back from you.. and that's really not fair for me. I cant do it all, If you don't want to try, then I need to know. I'm not asking you to put all the work in, but give me something back. I bought you flowers to make you feel special, as you are to me. I bought you a shirt because I thought you would like it and it would be cute. I know its something I hadn't been doing lately. It should be two ways hun, I cant do it alone, and it's not fair that I try. I sit and look back at the memories ( walking on the beach late that night ) and great times we had together, and I thought there was more there. Maybe I was wrong, I'm not sure. Maybe your outlook on me and us is different, and has changed. I just need to know that. . I would chase you Christina but I tried that, and you seemed like that wasn't what you wanted, I worked my * * * off to try and get you to realize how much I cared, and you continue to say I didn't and that it was all bull * * * *. I think we need to either work on us, being together, happy and loving again, moving forward and enjoying being with eachother. No matter what it takes, but if that's not in your heart anymore there isn't any point I guess. I cant MAKE you fall back in love with me, that's something your heart has to tell you to do. If that's not you, then I need to move forward without you I guess, I need to be able to give myself to someone fairly and not with regrets of us, or compare her to you. I need to have someone to shares my interests with, going to car shows, going on trips, working on whatever I'm doing, someone who will just sit there with me just because its something to do together, even if I'm doing something with my truck or car,or bike..I want to be moving in together and starting a family someday. And just growing as a couple. You were that girl in my eyes, and that's why I've worked so hard on this relationship in the past four years. I'm looking for who I'm going to be with possibly, forever, I'm not the type that runs around and tries to get with a different girl every night. You know that. I need to fall in love again, but your still a piece of me.. And I need to know how you feel about everything, because if you aren't there anymore in your heart then I need to let go, because it's not fair for me. I know we aren't together, but I still feel you with me. I tried to show you who I can be, but you brushed me off.. I'm not sure if you were scared, or still hurt. I cant have someone I love hate me, and think about me badly. You were the girl that always defended me, stood behind me, and was there when I needed something. Would call and say Hi, or would text just to say something sweet. Would enjoy being just me and you, we never needed anyone else to be happy. Would never lie to me, and we could always be honest with each other, we were one. That's what I miss. You helped me through so much, but I cant hold on alone. So please, decide what you need to do from your heart, because if in the future you don't see me.. then please.. let me be. I need to heal, and be able to give myself to someone else. So if what you want is not the same as me, maybe someday you will.. and you always know how to get ahold of me, It's not like you don't know where I live. Let me know how you feel.. Always, Ryan

Yea I know its not for game playing, but if you scroll down a few posts and read my thread, the convo that we had yesterday it might help a bit. It's here:

See in my situation, she dumped me to sort things out between us, and for us to possibly start fresh. She continues to say I need to chase her.. and contact her.. and work on things to make it work. And I need to "make her fall back in love" as she fell out, but still loves me... She thinks i should be making the texts and calls, so I dont see how NC would work for me..

I hope you were incredibly drunk lol..poor poor man you were with.

Yea, that tickles me like crazy.. especially with the tongue.. girls seem to find that area sexy on men.. well defined of course.