beemersv101

I'm in the same boat...I'm 19 and bi. And I'm at a giant university, so you'd think I'd be able to find some people like myself, but i've been too busy with school (and not living on campus) to really do all the pride/lgbt rally stuff. But I seriously hate crushing on straight girls...so what to do? I think I need to develop my "gaydar"...but how?

Yeah, I think that I will eventually have to dedicate myself more to the activism so I can meet people that way. And you make a good point about not wanting to be on the hamster wheel of life...that would suck. Anyway, does anyone have any other suggestions? Any experience to share and spread around?

I admit, I'm somewhat new to the LGBT scene and I came out relatively recently. I'm single at the moment, which is fine and all, but I'm not exactly sure how to meet women of the LGBT persuasion. I would go to pride rallies, and other mostly LGBT events,since my University is pretty big and liberal but I'm kind of busy with school and I can't really dedicate myself to that kind of activism right now the way I want to simply because of my lack of time. Being a somewhat shy person as it is, I'm not good at "picking up" people. When in high school, it was the other person that made the first move, or nothing was happening. Not to mention, I have no gaydar. I mean, I can tell when the person is "obvious", and I can spot butch lesbians along with the really femmemine gay men. But I'm not attracted to really butch women...so being able to point them out doesn't really help me. I hate crushing on straight girls, it's a waste of time and emotion that I'd rather not deal with. And I'd prefer not to make a fool of myself in front of straight women that were never available in the first place. So how do I know who's even an option? How do you figure out who "plays for the team?" I don't want an uber femmenine, "girly girl" sort of woman or a hardcore butch, I'm looking for something in the middle like myself. You know, that girl that doesn't obsess over makeup and doesn't usually like wearing dresses, but doesn't mind doing the girly thing every once in a while. Someone that has played sports and can appreciate athletics, but isn't glued to ESPN every weekend and Monday night. Someone that enjoys kung fu movies, yet is a totall sap for chick flicks too. Are you getting what kind of person I'm talking about? Unfortunately, I think these types of girls can definitely "pass" for straight if need be, so how do I find them? Seriously, I think I'm screwed here. I have no gaydar. And even if I did, and I spotted someone ideal, what would I do after that? To be safe, I'd probably try the 'let's be friends' route, but girls don't exactly walk up to eachother in the library saying things like "Hey, you look cool, let's be friends." Any help would be deeply appreciated. I'm so clueless it's not even funny.

Yeah, it was pretty long, so I'm sorry to all of you whose eyes are hurting after reading all of that. Oh and I guess I should mention that the ex isn't a he, but a she. As for what happened between us, I posted it all here before, but that was about a month ago...in summary, I lied over something kind of dumb and I told her about it. We broke up...I still cared though. I just had to send that to get everything off my chest. And if she doesn't respond or take any action...well then, I'm fine cause at least I tried. I can only do that, hope for the best, and then try to get on with my life. I know all will be okay, it just sucks in the meantime.

A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to one of my overly romantic friends talking about how if you have to act on your feelings, and you can't let people you care about slip out of your grasp without putting up a good fight. Well this friend of mine got me all worked up...and I got this crazy idea to write a poem that was basically made up of (and inspirered by) the lyrics to some great songs...and then to send this poem to my ex. Well I did it. I sent it on the 9th...and I'm thinking that she should either have it by now or that she's getting it soon. And I think I've made a huge mistake...even though the intention was to get her to understand me and the situation of our break up better and maybe to reconcile a little bit...but I don't think it'll have the desired effect. Somehow I have this nagging feeling that she'll be like, "Wow...and you're not over us yet? Why don't you grow up or something." I dunno...but now I'm totally nervous and I regret sending it in the first place. I'll copy it here...I think my 'cause' is screwed now. Mixing music? Ha, I'm mixing lyrics! When I found you or should I say when you found me I never expected all that followed to occur So much happened in so little time You know, I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love But to you, I gave my affection right from the start My heart was yours I wanted so much to protect you I would look at those who had either Hurt you or not appreciated all you offered And I'd want to say Honey, they'll build you up Only to tear you down Don't believe their games They're good for nothing Put your heart in my hands And I won't hurt you I promise not too… With you, my life changed I couldn't help it The world blossomed before my eyes But there was one glitch A small infidelity of trust That I couldn't ignore or erase It's funny how guilt and denial go hand in hand Eventually, I said to myself Today is gonna be the day… By now, you should've somehow Realized what you've gotta do Today, she's gonna throw it all back to you… As I got ready to say goodbye to the way of life I thought was designed just for me I'd picture you standing there, hopeful and happy Wanting more from me – wanting something I wasn't No matter how many cover ups or white lies Right then and there, that was all I'd ever be All I could do was try to make you see That what we had was worth preserving I knew my attempts to warm you wouldn't work before I tried You said that you'd understand, but I knew you wouldn't understand You said you'd never give up seeing eye to eye I didn't know what to believe in, and you didn't know who I was I had said that I'd never hurt you But never is a promise, and you'd never need a lie… Again, things changed and not as I'd hoped How I wished to say to you Now there's no point in placing the blame Because you should know I suffer the same If I lose you, my heart will be broken Don't be so cold, it doesn't have to be this way Please, just think about what you're doing Every eccentricity and oddity we posses They weren't meant to embarrass us Instead they act like filters They weed out those who can't appreciate us anyway But you and I fit My kind is your kind I'll stay the same, and love you the way you are Isn't that rare? They don't love you like I do Can't you see that? I'd plead with you don't walk away Pretending everything's okay and you don't care about me Because I know there's just no use once these lies become your truths Could you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now? Could you tell it to my face? Or have I been erased? I want to tell you how I feel, but I don't think you'll care It seems love is just a hell you cannot bear How I wish I could be the same I move on, but on the inside I'm sulking I'm full of loneliness and disregard Because I can't help the fact that I have these scars I am what I want you to want, and what I want you to feel But I've already given up trying to convince you this is real I try to let go as I watch you turn away And pretend we never happened Like I might as well be a stranger Who knows, maybe I am to you But I'm still here I can't feel the way I used to Time alone can't heal me anymore I'm sorry you don't understand what I'm going through Some things just don't make sense But I can't help but ask myself certain questions Is this it? Is it always the same? When a heartache begins, is it like this? Does everything lead up to a gloomy end Followed by nothingness? Do you like this? Is this what you had in mind? When all is said and done, will you even remember my name? Can you blame me for still caring? It's not fair; you left your mark on me It's permanent, like a tattoo only I can see Cause when you showed me myself, you know I became someone else How can I go back? Late at night I think about you sometimes I don't cry, I just wonder if you're alright How many nights did I spend talking with you Uncovering secrets in our hearts Now and then I wonder about Who's talking, laughing with you now Watching all these memories depart…it's crazy Am I alone in these thoughts? Do I ever cross your mind, anytime? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me? How I wish you would call to say I miss you… Since you've been gone, I should be happy I can do whatever I want I can see whomever I choose But I have this nagging feeling That nothing I've seen can compare to you I wish I could come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry You don't even know how lovely you are I wish I could find you, Tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart You could tell me your secrets, ask me anything Please, let's just go back to the start I'm running in circles and coming up tails Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard No matter what they say though Nothing speaks as loud as my heart… I go about my days as if everything is fine I hope that if I act that way long enough Then maybe my act will become my reality The grades are good and the friends and family are fine I laugh, I joke, I have fun like anyone I know But I can't help but stand here looking out my window Stand here aware of your absense How can I be so damn demanding? I know you said that it's over now But it's so hard to let go – I'll try harder to if you want Every day I want to pick up the phone And tell you that you're everything I need and more If only I could find you – but you're gone My loneliness got the best of me And my heart seems so weak If you're so strong, Then won't you resolve the weakness in me? How I envy your strength I want to hope that you'll understand But I don't know if that day has come yet Someday you'll find someone you really care for And if their love unexpectedly fails You'll know what this heart of mine faced Because at some point and time Everybody's somebody's fool Everybody's somebody's plaything Unfortunately, there aren't any exceptions to that rule I know it's best if I forget you Though I can be a fool, at least I know the score All the moments that already passed They only last in my memory We were as one for a moment in time And it seemed everlasting that you'd be mine But you wanted to be free And finally, I can say I'm letting you fly Before, I was caught in between All I wished for and all I'd done But all the things I want you to be I can't expect from you anymore And that's wonderful, that's life That's you – this is me I love you just the way you are You'll always be a part of me I just had to let you know I knew I would never be okay Until I acted one last time So I'm sorry you had to relive this But it was necessary For me to finally feel better I needed to show you everything Can you see it clearly now? So what do you all think?

Mgirl, I want to first say that I understand your pain and where you were coming from in your post. But I have to side with the others about what you said, and how you came accross. I happen to be a bisexual, and I hate having to take attacks from both straight and gay people just because I'm not 100% in either camp. For the record, I do consider myself an activist; I go to rallys and I'm a part of my university's College Democrats, so I spend plenty of time at my capitol city surrounded by the political process. I'm as involved as anyone I know when it comes to gay rights and liberties. Aside from that, I've had to come out to my family and I dealt with the same issues most homosexuals face...I almost got kicked out of my house, my father told me that my "lifestyle" was against his religion, my mother told me not to "rub off on my younger siblings," etc etc. It's been a tough road for me as well and I don't think it's fair for you, or anyone else to say that I didn't pay my dues or some bs like that. As you said, the life a homosexual person lives can be quite difficult at times and the battles seem to never end. So why try to isolate yourself from others who have similar experiences as you? Bisexuals are a part of the LGBT community, and we're all in the same boat here. Why fight these battles separately when we'd be much more effective working together?

Yeah, I'd want her back if that turns out to be a possibility, but I don't want to get ahead of myself and hope for something that might not happen. We went out for a little over a year, and broke up in September. It was a sudden break up because something stupid I had done came to light... Anyway, I'm trying not to analyze that phone conversation because I'm prone to overanalyzing things, and that leads me to be a little dramatic lol. So I'm leaving it up to you all...what did you think?

Well, if she knows how you feel about her, but she hasn't acted on it, I think it'd be safe for you to just leave things up to her. You can still be friends and all, but try not to get your hopes up thinking she might one day love you back. She may feel a little uncomfortable now if she knows how you feel, but she doesn't feel the same way, it would put her in an awkward situation, since she knows how you want her to act/feel, but that wouldn't be being honest to herself. So just try to cool it I guess...Don't mention anything romantic or relating to relationships around her for a while. Give her some space in those regions. It sounds like you've been trying to get over her but are having some problems. I totally understand, and I have my own issues with trying to get over someone, so maybe I'm not the one to advise you on that topic in particular. I'm sure everyone else will fill in though.

I had to send my ex something in the mail, to her p.o. box, so last night, I just decided to call her to let her know that the package would probably show up today, Friday. It's been over 4 months since we broke up and I haven't talked to her over the phone since then...so this was the first phone call. For some reason, last night I was feeling pretty gutsy, because normally I wouldn't have even contemplated calling her. Anyway, I called, and I didn't want there to be an awkward moment as I said "Hey, it's Brittany" so once she answered the phone, I just kind of went right into what I had to say without saying my name or anything like that. So I got like 8 words out before she was like "Brittany?" and I got kind of nervous, so I replied, "Yeah" and quickly went back into what I was saying about the mail and her package. The convo went alright...I think it lasted all of 10 minutes. There were a few strange moments...like she had meant to send me postage so I wouldn't have to pay to send her the package, but I just took care of it and payed for it myself. So she kept on insisting that she'd pay me back...and then she found out that I had the package insured, just in case it got lost, and she became really adamant about paying me back and we went back and forth about 5 times, each of us saying "No it's okay, I'll pay for it" etc. Finally I just changed the subject... Our conversation ended when she said her mom came over and she had to leave. I did hear her mom in the background, so I assume she wasn't making up an excuse to get off the phone. Besides, earlier in the convo, she had an incoming call and decided to ignore it. But the weirdest part was when she had to leave. She said something like "Oh, I have to go now..." and I replied, "Oh, Okay..." and we both paused for a minute. I don't know why she paused, but I paused because I didn't know what to say next (like a I'll talk to you later, or what). So then she just wished me a good night's sleep and a good day at school for tomorrow (well today, actually). And then the convo ended...I think it went well all in all. But I'm inexperienced in all of this, which is why I posted it for all of you Since you know I over analyze things, tell me your unbiased opinions and what my next step should be.

lol I guess the only thing I can do is just to hang out with her more and get a feel for where she stands on the topic...but yeah, the Bush thing did scare me lol

I've been thinking a lot about what you all have been saying and I agree that I need to take the adaquate steps to get myself over my ex. I have this other question now though...while in the process of getting over someone, is it acceptable to start a purely physical relationship with someone else? I know that sounds an awful lot like a rebound, but does "rebounding" like that really have a negative effect on your chances at emotional recovery?

Well I plan on hanging out with her more anyway, since we are friends. And I do get plenty of oppurtunities to talk to her online...it's just like, how do I broach the subject of possible bisexuality? Won't it seem kind of strange if all of a sudden I'm like, "So what do YOU think about LGBT people?" I just don't know how to do it...that's why I was hoping that the Margaret Cho party would give her some hints...but I don't know if she caught on. Who knows. Do I just need to tell her I'm bi, but in a not so direct manner?

For the past 2 years, I've had a quasi-crush on this girl from high school. We met through PE class and became friends easily. I never really persued my semi-crush on this girl though because I was dating someone else, but that relationship is over now. I would try to see if she's interested now, but for all I know, she's straight. She also doesn't know that I'm bi, since I'm only out with my family. Well, I hadn't seen this girl from high school in a few months since I'm a year older than her, and I'm now in college (but at a nearby school). But she and I, and another member from our track team had hung out a few times over the summer, and we wanted to continue getting together but we got busy with school, work, etc. So this past Friday, I had a "Margaret Cho watching get together"/girls night and she was invited. So she was surrounded by my most liberal and pro-gay friends, watching some of the gayest comedy ever, and she didn't seem to mind. She thought most of it was funny, and wanted to get together again to watch more sometime. Aside from that, while in track, she bonded with two bisexuals on the team (me and our friend "J"). She's also in band and I hear that the girls in the music wing at my old high school are all pretty experimentative. However, she does have one big thing going against her...she's a republican, and a Bush supporter. So while LGBT republicans do exist, I know they're pretty rare. But considering all of this, how do I continue going about finding out what her sexuality is? Or should I even try considering her political ties? However, I should mention that before I asked her if she was a republican, we had talked quite a bit about politics and she seemed to agree with me on most points...that's why I was totally shocked when she said she was a Bushie. But anyway, how should I go about this?

I agree that it's not always necessary to put a label on yourself. I think sexual feelings/prefrences varies for each person. I know some people like to say it even comes in degrees, so to speak. And of course, I've heard people say (but I'm not positive about this myself, I haven't researched it or anything) that psychologists have generally accepted the notion that all humans are bisexual, but are then sort of programmed to try and fit into one category, either heterosexual or homosexual. Like I said, I don't know the validity of that statement but it's definitely food for thought. Oh on another note, the movie Kissing Jessica Stein makes an interesting point on this topic.

Yeah...you're right. But it kind of sucks that you can't be sure of things like that. But like you said, that's life.