LaHermes

Sure, Sherry. Nothing wrong with lively debate, even robust debate. "Plain mean", well, when I see that I know the dispenser of the meanness is not right in the head. Snide remarks are another matter entirely. No tolerance for the dispènser of those.

I agree Sherry. Yes, I seem to recall there was a "therapists' corner" here one time. While on that note, and I fully agree that it is excellent to advise posters in trouble to seek therapy. However, therapy (everywhere) is very expensive. In these parts you would be looking at €150 a session. Private, that is. And just at random looking at U.S. psychologists I see prices of up to $400 per session quoted. I am talking well-qualified professionals. For the financially disadvantaged that kind of money is beyond their means, given that therapy may involve scores, maybe hundreds, of sessions. Waiting lists on the national health services are long, and a person might have to wait three months before even getting an appointment, and even then the number of sessions would be seriously curtailed. So, while I fully endorse the idea of therapy, as perhaps the most valuable gift one can give oneself, I also ask, what are posters who cannot afford therapy to do? We've seen here, all too often, the bad advice some posters get from their IRL "friends". So, all in all, and in general, the advice and signposting on ENA is at least objective, and confidential.

Indeed Lily. I have a few years on MurphB, so been there done that. Very little would surprise me any more. But despite my experience, gained through the years, I could not and would not impose my way as the only way. I've probably had experiences that some OPs never had, been places virtually and in reality where some may never have been. But that is my experience and I could only offer reasonably kindly advice based on what I've seen and known. One can be sort of severe, but the severity can be done in a kindly, and - god help us all - in a NOT know-it-all manner.

Re the ads Murphy. They pop up (maddeningly) BEFORE one actually logs in. However, not sure if they are google ads or have anything to do with ENA.

I'm with you Firelily. And over the years a whole raft of excellent posters (advisors) just upped and left. Much has changed since the days of the wonderful MHowe. The glory days of this site IMHO. There are no official advisors here (at least I think/hope not). Just other posters who comment on, give support, and even signpost new OPs as and when they appear. Much valuable information can be given here, which is not the same as advising.

MurphyB. Don't go! L. Leave me here to face the music alone. You are a most honest poster, straight-up person, say what you have to say without dissing anyone. I think you would provide valuable insight and advice to many troubled souls here. That aside, what bothers me is that you feel you would be driven away (never let anyone do that to you) not by the site rules, strange as those might seem, but by snide remarkers. Do stay!

Reading your OP with interest Firelily. I think (with some reservations) that this is a quite unique site/forum. It can be rather uneven at times. But by and large there are quite a few members on here who do give good advice, and support, to suffering individuals. Sure, there are beraters, and the downright unpleasant (let's be frank here). But I note that trolls/trolling, and is kept to a minimum and the moderators are watchful. And, to be perfectly sincere, there is a cliquish feel to the place sometimes. Some of these get away with murder, can say anything, but another poster may say something totally innocuous and get an infraction. I have posted on and off here down through the past years, I try to always be even-handed, as that is how I am IRL. Do some get on my nerves. Yes, absolutely! I have a list lol. But I just ignore and don't read. Like any site this one will get good and bad reviews. So do plays, books, films. Not the end of the world. It is important IMO to remember that some of members (me included) are NOT U.S.A./North America. So we do express ourselves differently, see things differently and have a different sense of humour. In passing could I add that a good dose of humour now and then would do this site a power of good. Everyone has troubles, to a lesser or greater degree. No one's troubles are more important than anyone else's. So, in conclusion, to the better quality of advisors on here I just saY: KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. lAh

A lot of "sneezing", maybe, Wiseman.

"" ... we cease exhausting ourselves so much as we learn to inhabit our own body and the only moment in which we are ever alive - this one." Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness for Beginners

"You cannot really know what today or tomorrow holds for you. Try this: instead of continuously trying to figure out what will happen, which can blind you to what’s actually going on around you, give attention to your experience as it occurs." Padraig O'Morain

“Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky “If it is necessary sometimes to lie to others, it is always despicable to lie to oneself.” ― W. Somerset Maugham, The Painted Veil “I often find that people confuse inner peace with some sense of insensibility whenever something goes wrong. In such cases inner peace is a permit for destruction: The unyielding optimist will pretend that the forest is not burning either because he is too lazy or too afraid to go and put the fire out.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy “Sometimes, when you don't ask questions, it's not because you are afraid that someone will lie to your face. It's because you're afraid they'll tell you the truth.” ― Jodi Picoult

The Seven Pillars of Wisdom (again) by T.E. Lawrence

A selection of very insightful, precise and readable articles here: With shame often comes the expectation of abandonment and loss of love, it’s an overwhelming experience. In adulthood, despair, loneliness, depression etc. often are related to the fact that something had gone terribly wrong early in life when the self was beginning to develop. In early childhood, parents carry the archetype of the divine, which has awesome power and responsibility. If parents, because of their own woundedness or narcissism, cannot see the true nature of their child, they cause great injury. If we’re not appreciated for who we are, we end up with a self that is unacceptable. When we’re either not seen or disapproved of we experience shame resulting in a self-image of feeling ugly, unwanted, unworthy, unlovable etc. Shaming is one of the most dangerous child rearing practices to the child’s self-esteem. “What a fool you are!” “Everyone knows you can’t do anything right!” “You ought to be ashamed of yourself!” These attacks, often delivered under the guise of wanting to do ‘what’s best’ for the child end up in the child’s self-loathing and self-contempt. “I am stupid!” “I can’t do anything right!” “I’m bad” When shaming parents continuously turn away, withdraw love and ridicule they express contempt for the child which leads to the child forever feeling small, inadequate and unworthy. Psychotherapist Sheldon Kopp said his mother often told him, ‘I love you but I don’t like you.’ This implied that his mother loved him ‘because she was a good mother’, but that she didn’t like him because he was an unsatisfactory child. The message was ‘surely no one but my mother would have put up with me’ and led to a shame based personality, which he worked long on to repair. If we’re not accepted for who we are as children, we may lead a life looking for approval by others hoping of finding a self that is finally validated. Some approach the world with a ‘compliant self’ which eventually leads to depression and loss of inner authority. They have to be ‘nice and loving’ to everybody-it’s a life of pretense and leads to meaninglessness and loss of soul. Others are no longer able to carry the burden of overwhelming shame and secretly decide to misbehave. The natural self hides behind spiteful shamelessness. Many patients enter therapy because of severely limited self-acceptance. If therapy works and they feel safe, they will slowly face the hidden aspects of themselves. With greater self-understanding comes greater self-acceptance. Greater self-acceptance leads to a richer and more soulful life. Fooling others always consumes energy and limits freedom.

From an article by Frances Cohen Praver Our Aging Parents, Our Existential Angst, and Our Love Lives "Meet Danielle who is obsessed with exercise, diet, grooming, and cleanliness, Danielle's routine was set in stone. If she tried to deviate ever so slightly her anxieties mounted to such heights, she feared she'd lose her mind. She needed a blueprint for everything. That way she had certainty. Remember the adage ‘we make plans and God laughs'? Alas, such was Danielle's fate." "In case you are wondering why Danielle needed these obsessive compulsive behaviors, Danielle was trying to manage her fears of uncertainty. The most daunting uncertainty is, without a doubt, the uncertainty of death. In denial of death, her existence had become a living death. Solution? When Danielle became aware of her existential angst, she realized she was missing good living. She began taking slow, incremental steps of exposure to her fears. She found that a dirty dish, smudged mascara, or an extra ounce of fat did not mean she would crumble. Instead she began to live and love more freely. "......you too have choices to make. This could be a time of dread or a time of hope. The greatest tragedy of life is not in dying; it's in not living and loving well."

Acceptance is a pause, a period of allowing, of letting be, of clear seeing. Acceptance takes us off the hair trigger, so that we’re less likely to make a knee-jerk reaction. Mark Williams and Danny Penman, Mindfulness, Finding Peace in a Frantic World.

An absolutely spot-on article. Of particular interest to the soulmate, "the one", the twin flame folks. Read this, and then read it again.

" I hope you find happiness, and she fills every void I couldn't. I can't send this to you, because you asked me not to contact you....but you are my twin flame, so I know you feel this energy. Good luck, and be happy." That's more like it J.

Yes! Superman. Just listening to "Waitin' on a Friend" ... What a band!

Predators. Comprehensive article here: They are masters at exploitation. Predators know your own weaknesses and blind spots (though they are oblivious to their own). They will press for very deep, intimate knowledge of your life in order to use that sensitive information later. In light of knowing your triggers, they will push your buttons and manipulate you into doing whatever it is they want you to do. They use intimidation, ridicule and shame with abandon. They rule by fear, not by grace. In their presence you will feel small and needy, and in some ways, you will need them in your life to feel okay about yourself. (They’ve made you believe you’re incomplete without them). They long for this kind of dependence. They thrive when you’re the messed up one, and they are the savior. "They feign intimacy. Predators are chameleons. They know that intimacy is important, so they pretend to be whatever it is you need from them. They do this to gain your trust. But their heart is not in it. Instead they playact their way toward false intimacy. They demand your intimate allegiance, but they will never truly share their own hearts. This keeps victims confused and off balance. Think of them as the most clever con artists." "This is why when a victim begins to assert his/her rights, sparks fly. Huge fights come when the victim begins to stand up. At this point the victim will either be further slammed into submission, or he/she will flee. (If that’s you, go to a safe place. And then pursue counseling and health. You chose to be with this person for various reasons, and it’s important you learn why you’re attracted to predators. Get healthy before you approach a new relationship, or you might end up with another predator)."

The great gift of life is the ability to appreciate what is there because we have ceased to demand what is not. Miriam Pollard, Acceptance, passage into hope.

Desperation, such a bad advisor. Excellent article: "Unfortunately, desperation, anxiety and insecurity act as terrible magnets that unfailingly attract men who take advantage of women. Always remember: The desperate woman is the narcissistic man’s prey. Men who prey on vulnerable women always look for the woman who tries too hard. The selfish man learned long ago that he doesn't have to do much of anything to keep the anxious woman interested and "off-balance." "The following is a list of things women do that guarantee she will NOT attract good men: By canceling plans with friends because he called to say he wants to see you. (Women are notorious for doing this) By making excuses for him when he fails to do the thing he said he would do, like calling or meeting somewhere---on time. By sticking by him and having sex regularly with him, even though he rarely takes you out on a real date. By feeling obligated to have sex with him by the 3rd date. (Let me say right now that you don't have to do anything until you are ready) By NOT realizing the emotional ramifications of a premature sexual relationship. By sexting him, before you truly know him. By doing his laundry, cooking, and/or cleaning, even though you don't live with him. By being available for "booty" calls anytime of the night. By paying off his debts and/or giving him money." From:

“No one can hate you more than someone who used to love you.” ― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus "The end of love looks like the beginning of war” ― Bangambiki Habyarimana, The Great Pearl of Wisdom "She knew with painful certainty that the opposite of love was not hate, but indifference.” ― Susan Wiggs, Summer by the Sea

So much common sense in this article: Five Reasons Why Relationships Fail by Dr Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic .....daters may differ in openness: if one of them has a "hungry mind" but the other one has no interests in culture or knowledge, they will struggle. Indeed, highly open people are constantly trying out new things: they love travelling to new places, trying out new foods, and doing unusual things. Conversely, people with low openness are conservative, risk-averse, and will end up seeming boring to their more curious partners. Third, daters may differ in emotional intelligence: if this difference is minor, it will be tolerated. However big differences will cause one of the partners (the less emotionally stable one) to use the other one as a shrink! Indeed, stable people are the perfect target for neurotic partners, because they have sedative effects on them! So, if you are highly emotionally stable and single, beware of needy, neurotic, people!

I want to scream....and then scream again. LOL.

La Vie en Rose sung by Grace Jones