fallen

Let's see who can come up with the best answer for this. I have a feeling what it is, but putting it into words can be difficult. How do you know when you're attracted to someone, or how do you know when someone is attracted to you? What is that 'spark' people always talk about, or 'chemistry'?

Thanks. The problem is that I don't see him a lot since we're in different years & majors. I don't know how you got that he's physically attracted to me though...someone who smiles & says hi could just be being friendly. I guess it's the fact that he ignored me before that's bugging me & the fact that I felt some initial attraction and he deliberately ignored it. I imagine he had a girlfriend before, I just don't know if he has one now, and I'm too nervous to really talk to him now... Thanks for the comments though!! At least one person replied

Umm does anyone have any thoughts on this? It would really help to get a second opinion...thanks. =)

Do you think this guy likes me? We were in the school student centre, and I saw him with some friends, and he was going to pass by but then when he saw me he completely stopped, turned around & waved at me, while looking directly into my eyes. I waved back & sorta blushed. I was talking on my cell phone at the time, but he took a step forward as if wanting to approach me to talk, but then when he saw I started talking on my cell, he just turned away. Also, another time I saw him a few months ago we were walking in the opposite direction on the street, and he smiled and nodded at me, and looked deep into my eyes so intently that I had to look away & blush. But the thing is that I'm 20 yrs old, and he's probably around 25...he's also very hot and could get girls easily, so I sorta doubt he would like me. The first time we met a few months ago, we talked together for a long time & got along really well, but then a few days later we saw each other and he acted really distant, perhaps nervous, and he didn't want to talk with me, so I figured he had a girlfriend. Perhaps now they broke up...? He has my e-mail & phone # though so if he liked me I figure he'd call....perhaps he's just playing with my feelings because he knew I liked him? HELP!!! This is driving me crazy...

Wow, you're definitely obsessed with him. You're also a good storyteller. Kudos for that... Lily, honestly, just forget about him. If he wants to talk to you, don't lie about it, just be yourself. If he likes you, he'll ask you out. Otherwise, as I always say, move on.

Hmm..that's interesting. From what I gather after reading your message, it sounds like you two were flirting. But as you say he's naturally flirtatious, and since he's your TA, it's hard to tell whether he actually wants to pursue anything romantically out of it or whether he just wants to be friends. I'd say he doesn't just view you as a regular student though, for sure. But he may just view you as a friend..so I would just be cautious if you decide to call him up after hte break or anything, and be sorta casual about it. I don't know..good luck with it though!

Hey, I can completely relate to that..although more info. might be nice I liked a guy since I first met him..beginning of July I think & had a *major* crush on him up until just a few days ago, when I realized it was stupid and obsessive and going nowhere. If this is true for you (i.e. the guy isn't interested in you/has a girlfriend, etc) and you see it's just a fantasy, I think that's the most powerful thing. You have to realize that the time you're spending on him isn't worth it & move on. Some people say the best way to get over someone is to start dating someone else. I think this is true, but it also involves a change in mindset. You can't just fling to another guy, you have to truly realize that there is nothing between you & this guy and accept it. That is the bit of wisdom I've got from this thing anyways. Hope it helps you out

Hmm, violet that's a lot more difficult than my situation. Actually I think mine is basically all self-created. He doesn't like me..he didn't even give me any signs of wanting to pursue anything. Even that first day when there might have been something there, we still maintained a professional distance. Sure he wasn't always friendly, but there was nothing wrong with that. I think it was more that I liked him & overanalyzed it than anything. I don't think he was interested in me at all really. There were just no signs. So I am moving on..I might contact him later for work-related assistance if I absolutely need it, but I don't expect anything else. So that's it..I probably won't be checking this thread after this either. I really do need to just forget this whole thing; the obsession is becoming unhealthy. Thanks, fallen

Thanks Lily, Hopefully I'll get 'over' him eventually. The thing is I think I'm technically over him because I realize that there's nothing between us, I don't call him or e-mail him anymore, it's like there's nothing there, you know? But I still think about him, why is that? It's so irrational. I know he doesn't like me anyways, so why can't I just accept it.. I don't know. The mind works in f*cked up ways..I mean a part of me realizes that he's not interested & probably not even right for me anyways, but then there's still a part that lingers..probably because of the initial sexual tension. Oh well..hopefully it will go away soon enough.

Yeah, I know it's tough..especially when I don't find guys I like very easily. It's like practically impossible..but oh well. things will get better somehow..

hmm I've always been a little confused about this. I've had conversations with guys before and of course when you're talking to someone you have to make eye contact (well I suppose you can -not- look at them while talking but that would be sorta weird.) So how can you tell they like you just from talking to them? Or how can you even tell just from eye contact -- like what is it that gives it away? They hold your gaze for 5 secs instead of the usual 1 or something..?

Hey Ferrgus, I was in a very similar situation actually. I wrote him an e-mail initially (at the beginning of Oct. I think) after seeing him just a few days earlier with friends in which I was going to say "hi" & smiled, but he just looked at me icily and glanced away, pretending not to see me, in effect completely ignoring me. That sorta hurt. But since we were pretty good friends before & he helped me out a lot over the summer with my work I decided to just be civil about it, and partly in an attempt to get over him, decided to write him a short e-mail. I just said something like: "Hi __, I just wanted to say thanks for helping me over the summer with my work, you really helped me out with ___ and I appreciate the effort. (I think I talked a little about the course here too.) Also, I hope I never offended you in any way; perhaps I should have been a little more distant (as he was responsible for actually evaluating me on some things), but you really did help me out when I was on the brink of overstressing, so thank you for that. Best of luck with your studies, me He responded literally 1 min. later, saying that he hoped the course went well for me, he was happy to help, and if I ever wanted to talk in the future to keep in touch. He asked what courses I was taking, etc. and was generally friendly. I wrote him back a longer e-mail after describing the courses, and got no e-mail back. I wasn't too down about it though, I sorta expected that. I ended the e-mail on a note of finality as well, so it wasn't too awkward if he didn't respond. Anyhoo, then afterwards whenever he saw me he was friendly..although the problem is that I still feel attracted to him. I'm not nearly as into him as before, as I haven't seen him for a while & I realize it wouldn't go anywhere as he's not interested in me, but it's still sorta there. To be honest I don't think it'll entirely go away until I get another serious boyfriend, which may not happen for a while. But soon enough it will happen. My advice is to just show maturity when you deal with him. Do NOT sleep with him, that will cause so much more problems. I can't even believe your friend told you that, if she knows you're married. First off, it will probably end up in divorce (unless that's what you want), and secondly, it will just make things more complicated. Coincidentally, after writing the e-mail to the guy I bumped into him 2 days later in a class that I wasn't supposed to be in (I entered the wrong classroom), while he was just closing the door & we just stared at each other for a few secs. dumbfound & confused, before I excused myself and left. Then a few days later he saw me and waved & smiled, calling my name, I guess expecting me to come up and talk with him but I thought i'd give him similar treatment and just in a calm & professional way said "hi" & smiled, before continuing on my way. After as I said he always says hi but we just continue on.. And I haven't e-mailed him since. If this is what you want, sorta a mature ending then go for it. We don't have any more classes so we don't see each other anymore, and it sorta works I guess...there's no reminder of any attraction except for when we look at each other & it resurfaces for me. (I'm pretty sure he was attracted to me at first although he already had a girlfriend & wasn't interested so nothing could happen..) But just treat this guy you like as a colleague, with respect & nothing more. I think this guy respected me a lot for noticing the distance and just handling it professionally, showing that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything more (even if I secretly was..) It's just a compromise you'll have to make. Hope that helped, fallen

hmm..you've made some good points, Double J. I think you're right here - the relationship I'm seeking wouldn't work out in any case because he's just not interested. We have different goals in mind, and are in different stages in life. I'm putting a lot more effort into being friendly than he is as well..and the attraction should be mutual/reciprocal, not forced. When both parties don't want to date, there's really no chance there. So the best strategy is to move on. Thanks..

I think compatibility also depends on where each person is in their life, and in maturation. As Mahlina said, she had to grow up a lot faster than most, so she can be more compatible with older guys. I feel the same as well..although I think my crush may feel differently. He is about 5 years older than me (I'm 21, he's 26) and although some people may say that's way too big an age difference, I feel like we can really connect. I think that may be why he would be hesitant to date me though, perhaps he wants someone more his own age.. It's hard to know who's 'right' when you're this young though. But once your personality has been fully developed, and you've experienced a lot in life, dated people & have your goals, etc. then I think you'll be in a better position as well. We all have different needs. If your guy is a lot older than you, maybe he feels that he wants to settle down & doesn't think you can offer that yet..I don't know. People ultimately see things through different lens, you can't force them to see what you see, because you can't force love. Love is reciprocal..once he realizes that you should date, it will happen. If he doesn't, then you'll find someone else who shares a more similar mindset. That's just my thoughts on it anyways..

Hey mahlina, I know what you mean..I've had some pretty weird coincidences happen as well. (Perhaps not as weird as yours though; although something I dreamed would happen did come true..I don't read too much into that though..) But anyways, I was also thinking about DoubleJ's question yesterday; that is what if you two are meant to be but because one is already in a relationship it won't work out.. I think in that case then, he will eventually realize that his gf isn't as good a match or his gf really is as good as match and you just can't see it. I've thought about that too because I've talked with my crush's gf, and I feel like we're a better match, but I don't know the history of their relationship, and I don't know how deep their chemistry is either. Perhaps their attraction is just as strong or more, but just in a different way. I feel like we can connect on a deep (perhaps deeper) level, but maybe that's not what he wants in a relationship (or right now anyways.) Maybe he's genuinely happy with her and that's all he wants right now. I don't know what happens when I'm gone and they're alone.. So ultimately it's a hard question to ask, but you'll meet someone who's better for you eventually if it doesn't work out. Everyone has their preferences at different times..and that's what makes things work. =) Take care, fallen

I agree with the other posters -- it's hard to explain, but you just know because of the strength of the compatibility. I thought I was in love with my ex, and perhaps I was for a while, but I noticed certain things were lacking in his personality and I just wanted to date other people. Through dating you find out what you'd like in a potential mate, and I think when you find that person it's like instant chemistry. It can develop more, but there has to be that initial attraction, whether physical or emotional or both at first. To be honest I wasn't very physically attracted to my ex at all. But we had a lot in common & it worked out. My sister made fun of him all the time saying he wasn't good enough in the looks dept. though, and I shrugged it aside. But I think it had to do with it a little..even subconsciously. Our sex life wasn't that great for one..but we made up for it in other areas. In any case, there's another crush I have now, who I've posted relentlessly about that I've tried to get over, but it's so difficult because of our compatibility. I don't think it was 'love at first sight' per se, but instant attraction. We could talk for hours, and there was both emotional, intellectual & physical chemistry. It's very difficult to find that in a person, but when you do it's hard to forget.. Well hope that helped..personally I think you know chemistry/attraction instantly, although love is developed. You can have lust at first, but love takes a deeper commitment, you can't know from the get-go it's going to last until you've dated for a while. Just my 0.02. - fallen

Hey, Thanks for the replies. Although they were for the OP they really helped me as well, so I really appreciate it.. You guys all seem to be saying the same thing - move on & don't lose hope..which I'm going to do as well. thx, fallen

maybe it's because the people you like you're not really that compatible with? It could be an age thing though..I don't have any problem talking with guys who I have a deep connection with..like we get along instantly, there's just that chemistry (there's only been about 3 guys I've met who have been like this though. sorta rare.) But then guys I'm just ok with I'm sorta a bit more shy around, and don't show my true self. I also appear a bit more professional around them, and less charismatic perhaps.. Just try to be more outgoing..but when you find the right person you'll know. It won't be awkward or anything..at least that is what I've found. With the right guy I can talk for hours without noticing..but then I'm not really shy, so perhaps that is why. I am introverted though.

Hi, Wow, that sounds tough. I can identify with the feeling of lust (although yours is deeper than what I've felt -- love) & hurt, and the deep desire to date him again. There's one guy I would love to date but he's unfortunately not interested. We have such an intense connection though, every time we look at each other it's just striking. And then when I think about it after, it hurts so much because I know he has a gf & isn't interested. I've tried telling myself all the bad things about him but then I think about the discussions we've had, and everything..UGH..I know it is so frustrating. It seems really odd that he wouldn't break up with her though if he's still in love with you. Unless he really feels a need to move on..maybe he's not ready for such commitment yet? I truly believe that if it's meant to be, you two will somehow get together though, so don't worry..I don't know if that helps or not. But perhaps for now, try to move on & date other people? Don't think of this as something lost, but just something to put on hold, and if things don't work out with his new gf you can perhaps come to again. It is frustrating though, I don't really know what to say because I feel a similar pain. Good luck to ya..pm me if you ever want to talk.

Thanks Ferrgus! (I don't know if you're still reading this post, but I just wanted to thank you for your message I still think about him occasionally, but I've ultimately accepted that there can be nothing between us, which is a lot more healthy as you say. In my opinion there was definitely an attraction between us, and that was probably why he was so distant as well, but I can't do anything about it as much as I would like. Since I'm used to getting my way this is really hard to accept, but whatever..I can't do anything about it, just move on.. For now, I don't think I'll be dating anyone for a while. There's no one I'm really interested in, so I guess I'll just try to focus on other things (namely school.) Thanks again, fallen

Agreed. It seems sorta sketchy. It's one sign I've heard of but I mean there has to be other things too. It's not enough to be facing/sitting towards someone to automatically assume she likes you.

sometimes I do it just because it's comfortable, without thinking about it. But if she's pointed towards you, smiling, flirting with you, etc. then all those signs combined suggest she likes you. Just crossing your legs on its own isn't really enough. I mean guys cross their legs too, and not necessarily when they like someone.

god, you know what's horrible about my crush though..how he's so perfect. I know this isn't helping you, but at least there's some bad points about the guy you can think about. With my crush there's nothing, as much as I try. It's driving me crazy. At this rate I'm going to get kicked out of university because I can't concentrate on anything but him. I hate this..so much. I feel like I have to see him again, to talk to him to finally get over him. I hate having this hanging, like there's nothing conclusive about it (besides the fact that we don't see each other.) We haven't talked since I e-mailed him in Oct. I feel like we should talk..just so I can see that he's not interested in me if for nothing else. It's like I need proof..because when we say hi & smile at each other, that doesn't really help..

Hi, I am in a similar situation as you, check out my last post if you want. Except I'm not married, and he has a girlfriend as well. But I felt such an intense connection with him, although he wasn't willing to act on it for various reasons..it's that sexual tension that just kills me though. Like standing right beside him, knowing that there's an attraction between us, and yet we avoid each other's gaze..it's like the distance created almost makes it more sexy. But anyways, I don't keep in contact with him anymore & haven't seen him for about 2 weeks now and if we ever do bump into each other we just say hello..which makes it almost more unbearable but this is what I would suggest for both of us: Primarily, remind yourself that this is just a crush. An infatuation with no real value. It will go no where. Even if there is some spark between you, you already have something more meaningful with your husband. You only like this guy because he gives you special attention & is goodlooking. You love your husband for far better reasons. If you are questioning your love with your husband though (as he cheated and you're considering cheating, perhaps it's worth thinking about), maybe it's time for some special alone time to rekindle your love..what most counsellors recommend in any case. Like go on a vacation somewhere for the weekend. If you feel that there's something missing in your relationship, find out why and do something about it..but that's another issue. The second thing most people recommend is to date new people to forget about him..what I am attempting to do now. Even if I don't really like the guys..just to go out & realize there's other ppl. out there. Since you're already married, the equivalent would be to spend more time with your husband. Ultimately if this guy continues to flirt with you, you should also reject his advances and let him know that it's inappropriate and tell him you want him to stop. Hope that helped.. fallen

I don't think it's weird. One of the girls in my old residence is dating a guy a year younger than her & they've been going out for about a year now. I don't think the relationship will last forever though, although not because of age, just because of personality differences..she's 21 btw, and he's 20. But once you're 18, my belief is basically anything goes within a certain range, it doesn't matter who's older than who..