Ferrgus

A couple of days ago, I felt like I was really over the friggin' crush because I thought I finally knew where he and I stood. Well, I was wrong... After he wrote me a nice, supportive, friendly e-mail when I was feeling low, I wrote back to say that I'd taken his advice and had a great day at my practicum school, and I really appreciated his support. It was actually a much longer e-mail, but as you guys have seen, I write long messages. He didn't respond, and today, it was back to not really meeting my gaze and barely being civil to me; Fallen, I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. The thing is, this has happened time and time again. I know I should just give up on the friendship, because despite his claim that we're friends, he's sure not acting like one. But I can't give it up, because then there would be no real contact with him at all -- and I'm not quite ready to deal with that. I'm wondering if I should force the issue a little and say, "I feel that there's something wrong between you and me, and I'm wondering if it can be fixed." I fully realize that this could backfire in a huge way, and that if he's actually honest with me about his feelings, I might not like what I hear. On the other hand, I would like to try to maintain (or resurrect) the friendship that I thought we'd developed. Maybe it ain't going to happen. Maybe I should just say to hell with the whole thing, only interact with him if it involves school, and let it go. But as those of you who are having crushes know, that's easier said than done. I guess I'm also a little angry about this whole mess. I never asked him to pay attention to me or flirt with me or any of the rest of it (jeez, how long ago that seems, although it was only a little more than a month), and I certainly have enough to deal with in my program without this kind of anxiety. Not to mention that tonight my husband said to me that he's worried that he and I are not really in synch these days (not unusual; several couples in our tutorial group have been having fights lately, generally about how the person in the program isn't paying enough attention to his/her significant other). Today I talked with a female friend who's also a member of the group and who's been in a similar sexual-tension situation. She told me that there can only be two ways this thing can go: - Resolve the sexual tension by sleeping together, after which who knows (probably nothing good). - Forget about any kind of relationship; just let it go. That's what she advised, although she recognized that being in lust can be totally overwhelming, almost addictive. So, sorry to disappoint you guys, but I'm back to Square One. At least it helps to talk to people who understand... ('

Fallen, your situation does sound really similar to mine, and I sympathize completely. Here's how my problem has played out the past few days. Maybe you'll find some hope in it. I, too, was having trouble with the sexual tension you described in your last message. One day, my crush and I would seem to be getting along at a nice friendly level, just right, great conversations, etc., and the very next day, he'd diss me. Also, he would never sit next to me in our classes. One day I sat next to him and he edged farther and farther away until he was practically sitting in the lap of the person next to him. It was weird and hurtful until I realized what was going on (actually, my husband explained it to me; is he not an amazing guy?). So I was pretty distraught and didn't know how to handle it. Then, this past Monday, my crush and I had a post-class meeting with our tutorial leader about the problems we were both having with our practicum (student teaching). Although his experience was much worse, it was in the same ballpark as mine. Between the school problems and the crush, I was feeling pretty blue. This past Monday night, I sent my crush an e-mail to remind him about something we were supposed to turn in to one of our advisors at our practicum schools on Wednesday; it was, as you might expect, pretty depressive. Well, he sent back this incredible response, basically about not wallowing in negativity when doors were opening all around and how to feel better and so on. The line that got to me me was, "I just want to see my friend happy and enthused again." At that point, I knew where our relationship stood and I accepted it for what it was, and it felt right. Of course, I haven't forgotten what it felt like when he touched me, and it's definitely hard to ignore him because he's so beautiful. But all this doesn't consume me the way it did, say, last week. Also, I don't expect anything more from him now. Because of the faint hope that something might actually happen (even though I turned that off weeks ago), I think I was wanting way too much from him. I also think the crush is winding down and eventually, probably not too long from now, I will be able to accept him as another one of the guys in the group (albeit much better looking), just as I did at the beginning of the year. And that will be so much better for everyone. I don't know if getting confirmation that your crush likes you at some level will also make a difference for you, Fallen, but it might help... I'll probably have nothing more to report in this forum, so best of luck to you in getting over your crush. It will happen in time -- really!

San, the program runs through the summer. For a bunch of that time, we'll be doing our student teaching, so I won't see too much of him. Good thing! Maasikus, I agree that this crush was not worth destroying my marriage for, and that's why I told him to stop playing with me, basically. The problem now is that I can't get him out of my head, even though nothing is ever going to happen. He's an amazingly beautiful guy (and yeah, I know that doesn't matter, it's just genetics, etc., etc.), and the attraction is mostly physical -- but not completely. I'd like to get to the point of being happy with admiring the view and maybe having a reasonable colleague-type friendship, if possible. I think this crush is a bit harder to crush than others I've had because I remember how unbelievably good it felt when he said and did the stuff I don't want to discuss online (nothing too bad, but still don't want to talk about it). I haven't felt anything this intense for a very long time. How in the world do you get over something like this? I have to! Thanks for responding, BTW. javascript

I am happily married to a wonderful guy; we've been together for 23 years, married for 14. So, I was totally blindsided by what happened a couple of months ago when I returned to university full-time for a one-year teacher education program. This program is a bit unusual. Instead of taking regular classes, we're in tutorial groups of nine students most of the time. The nature of the program almost forces the members of the group to bond quickly so they can support one another's learning. Well, in the middle of this bonding process, a certain tall, dark, incredibly good-looking member of my tutorial group started flirting with me. I didn't really think much of it at first, because he was being flirty with everyone. Almost all the women in the program have boyfriends or husbands, so the flirting was, I guess, safe or validating for his ego or something. But it took a different turn with me. Don't want to go into details, but he made some inappropriate moves that my girlfriends agreed were definitely over the casual flirting line and might have gotten him slapped if he had done them to anyone else. I was starting to develop intense sexual feelings for him, and it really looked like things were going in a dangerous direction. Much as I enjoyed the attention he was paying to me (if you were not all that young and a gorgeous 20-something was paying serious attention to you, I bet you'd feel the same way), I had to say something to him. He listened carefully to my spiel (basically, "if I was 20 years younger and single, I'd jump your bones in a heartbeat, but that's not possible, and besides, what about the dynamics of the group"), and then he replied, "I hear what you're saying, and I respect it." In other words, politically correct but revealing absolutely nothing. After our little chat, he dialed it down and did not do anything else inappropriate. Unfortunately -- and here's where I need help -- I was already hooked. His inappropriate moves had turned me on and I could not -- make that "can't" -- seem to turn off. I think about him constantly and, because it feels good, I continue to fantasize about the faint hope that something might happen, even though (a) there's no longer any possibility of that, particularly since he now seems to have a girlfriend (though they don't usually last long with him) and (b) it would be disastrous in every possible way. Now, the thing is, I can't not see him, because we're in all the same classes and school activities, so I figure we can at least be friends. Well, sometimes we are and sometimes we aren't. On some days, we'll have really great conversations and everything will seem to be at the right level, with maybe a friendly hug as we go our separate ways; the very next day, he'll either act like I don't exist or am poison (pure misery, of course). You better believe I need to get over this infatuation FAST. Obviously, since I'm married, replacing my crush with someone else is not possible. I have been trying really hard to spend more time and attention on my husband (who knows about the crush -- he's had crushes and even affairs, so he's completely understanding -- what a guy!). I've also been working really hard on my school program, and have seen a counselor (not very helpful). If anyone has any ideas on crushing a crush, I'd love to hear them! javascript