Phoenix Down

I told kerry ok with the song. I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but she says trust her. So I guess I will. I'll let you know what she says her reaction was.

Well, do you want a relationship based on sex? Or do you want the other? The choice is yours to be made. Also keep in mind your still young, I like to think I am too but think this one through.

Destract yourself. I agree. Soon you'll be able to look at things and smile no matter what happens. Thats when they see what they had, and change their mind or move on. But dont let the actions of another change who you are. I wish I learned that sooner, It could have made things a lot smoother for me.

It's just me. I've got these new songs for my ex (not the ones on the web site) those are from the last album. I do the music and vocals. It's odd tho, you have to be in the mood for me, or I'll catch you off guard. I'm working on my 8th LP. I so much want to share the music with my ex, but at the same time, I'm afraid to open my heart to her. She's herd the songs on that web page. ( I finnished the last CD right before we broke up. I never really wrote for her till now. Thats the funny thing, I cant control what comes out, and now I sing for her, but she cant hear it. The music you hear is for my ex,ex. The one that messed my thoughts up and kept me from showing my current ex how much she had of me in fear she take and leave. See, even while my ex and I we're together I still wrote for some one else. But now she has music but I keep it from her.(she knows about it tho) I hope you like the music.

The track that she'll hear is not on that site. Those are tracks from the last CD. I do about one album a year with about 10 tracks on each. Yeah thats me trying to sing. I wish you can hear the track I'm talking about that she'll hear. It's slow and not so hard. #2 is called "paxal" #5 is called "what goes around, stays around. and # 8 is called "so like you". Thanks again for listening. Deja

The link is in my profile. I'm the 4th CD down I believe. It's called Shaunacy my name is Deja. Should see it. I'd like to know what you think. And as soon as I can figure out how to upload music on my own, I'll get the new tracks up.

Thanks for your thoughts. The "new girl" knows how I feel. I wouldent mind being alone, she said she just likes to be around me, we do have fun, but I think all she wants is sex, which I dont mind. She sings very well, I just think out of all the songs for her so far, why one with a girl talking about how she's jealous my ex still has my heart. She wrote the words, (all but my part) very short. If you want I have a link to a college site with some samples off the last CD if you want to hear my style. Have an open mind tho. It's different. The one the ex might get to hear is a little on the softer side. Let me know what you think.

Music has been really coming to me a lot lately. A close friend (the one who had the wedding) was talking to me about this new song fet. the new girl I'm seeing. (first time I've done that, worked on a track with someone I'm involved with.) Kinda cool. The songs called "jealous". The hook says "do you know your beautiful" the rest of the song talks about how she's jealous of my ex and how she has something she wants but my ex dosn't react. I didn't know I did it so often but I guess I always talk about how beautiful my ex was. The girl I'm seeing knows how I feel, (her and I are just friends who please each other,) she wants a little more than I do, but I dont want to jump into another relationship so she knows my heart still sings for my ex a little. I'm in the track as well. But the reason for the post is, Kerry, the friend who got hitched, listened to it, and she said I should let the ex listen to it. She said she'd bring it up to her like a secret not to let me know she herd it. She says it will do good more than bad. Out of all the songs in the works right now, this wouldn't be my choice, but she said it's just a girl thing. She said it would hit a soft spot. She talks to my ex more than I do, so I guess she would know. But my music has always been an issue to me, plus this feels like a game in a sense. What do you guys think? I'll prob let her hear it through Kerry, but I still feel a little childish.

I guess you've got a point. Tho drinking is just part of it. Your right, I've gotta take a brake from this.

Theres no need to be sorry. Missunderstandings are every where. I'm very guilty my self.

But the things I'm looking for are in a lot of people. Some one who wants a job for starters, someone who wants to finnish up school (college) Some one who can set a goal and strive for it.

My life has not stoped for her. It did at one point but the N/C fixed that. It's just this girl I'm seeing now has to go. She's a set back. And I can still have fun / if not more fun single. But at some point I need to look at settling down. Maybe down the road, but then again...who knows.

Dont do the two girls thing, it's not worth it n-less the two girls are together and just watned a play mate. I got luck on that one but your right, it dosnt compare to how nice it is to have just one person to share that moment with. As for the ex, it's not her I'm comparing people to, it's her values.

Please tell me how you think thats a good thing.

Well it still lightly bothers me like when she does these calls that dont make sense asking dumb qustions that she knows the answer to like our teachers name for a class we took and so on. But my friends tell me it's because she still wants me in her life. So It's not all that bad. At least she cares that much. What ever happens happens. It just used to mess with me when every one would say stuff like "she misses you" and all that. It's going to be hard to see n-till she come out and says she wants to do this. If ever. But we'll see.

Hey, guess what no hang over. Sorry about that post last night. I was pretty waisted. It had been a while. But dont worry about me. I know love is real and I know things will fall into place. These things just take time. I must have been very gone last night, I was reading my post and it even through me off. and the whole supression thig was BS, if I could control these feelings I woulden't be here looking for support. Thanks by the way. I just hope the ex and I have a chance to work our issues out. I'm sure if you replied to this you've read my past posts. I didn't give all of my efforts out of fear and so our relationship fell apart. I just want to start over now that the fear is gone and see if we can be what she wanted us to be. But the stage I'm at right now takes a lot of patients. It took me a while to see but it's true. While I improve position time is on my side. But who knows what will be. Thats another thing, this new girl is starting to grow on me, but the only problem is I'm afraid she's bad for my health. She likes to party a lot, she wants to go back to school, but I dont think the drive is there, plus all we do is get messed up all the time. It's fun, but my ex atleast had standerds. We took a class together, studied and when all of our important tasks we're done, we'd have fun. Thats what I miss. The fact we both set goals and go for them. For example, my ex is a manager at her work, she just bought a house a new car and goes to school full time. And shes only in her 20's. I know thats nothing big, but the point is, like me, she sets goals and fallows through. This girl I'm with now, I try and talk to her about work and going to school, (she still lives with her mother) She says she wants to but when theres time she always has an excuse why she cant go. I want some one to share dreams with that I know is strong enough to dream with me and make those dreams come true. I'm moving back into a place on the 20th of Jan. Now the new girl thinks she's coming with me. Ha! Sorry, I've been thinking, this new girl seems to just be a side fling, thats not fair to her or myself. She may very well be the split in the road that got me lost in the first place. Why is it we always realize we're lost after we've been going in the wrong direction for hours? Plus I dont want to become co-dependent. My mother was that way and I've had to watch her suffer over and over again. All I want right now is to try and work things through with my future plans and would also love to share them with some one special. Preferably with the ex. I think if we can get through this crazy phase, we may very well have a chance to make our dreams come true. I just have to be patient. Either way, thigs will work out for the better.

Well I'm afraid of falling right now, if it's possable. The important thing here is I'm not depressed, tho I'm sure it sounds like it. I've learned the art of supression. I feel great, but like chapters in a book, you have to read all of them before anything can make sense in the end. I skimmed through the pages of "love" now I need some one whos red the whole thing to give me some notes. This supression thing is handy but can also be distructive. I dont want to hurt any one. I just what to know what to look for to make sure what I feel next time is real. I want to be a good honest person, no lies, no games but does anyone play by those rulse any more?

The feelings that we're so strong are turning into little after shocks, not to say the earthquake is over, but repears have been made and new "technology" has been used for reenforced construction to prevent any future damage. j/j I'm not numb to her presense, when she's near me a feeling still over comes the calm, but the feeling is reconized. There for can be predicted to better protect my self. Or should I embrace this feeling and let it guid me? I'm not building walls or shutting out whats real. I'm learning. But what makes me sad is I'm learnig that love my not exsist. I have no platform from which to jump into the thought that love is real any more. There have been too many signs showing the end product of love is unhappiness. (mom and dad, brother and close friends, ) So many people think their giving some one love , but it may in turn just be words with the right intentions, but feed by the fear that if they dont hear those "words" (831) 8 letters 3 words 1 meaning. They will then turn and run off. I dont want to give into this fear. I want to prove it wrong. But I don't have enough evidence. I like to think I have felt love before, but I'm unsure now. How do I know when I can give it. I dont want to turn into my brother. Tho it looks like I'm heading that way. Through his eyes girls are like drugs to be taken when needed or OD'd on when times get rough. I have had sensations where I look at some one I think I "love", and see much more in their eyes than some one off the street. But is that love? That strange feeling? That weakness that we give into? Can any one discribe it to me? I'll be ok really , I just had a bad day at work. I'm sure love is real, I'm just waisted I just wanted to mess with some one the way this day has messed with me. Be good drive safe, and love is real, you just have to find it. Good luck and pass me some. PD

She dosn't drive me nuts any more, she'z lost that power. =; I'm just trying to understand her at this point. She's some other person right now.

I just want to know where to be. It's hart to see what her intentions are, as far as friends or possable lovers. Friends say she may have the same qustions in her mind and as long as we keep acting we'll never know. I agree we still need time. A lot of time. But some of that time should be spent together. (as our selves) Joking having a good time, none of this role playing crap. This is not something I want to jump into at all. Slow dates every once in a while. Maybe even study together like we used to. Just leave the past and start all over again. I'm in no rush. Like I said the only thing the plagues me now is what she wants to do. If I act like just a friend she may think thats all I want. But if I show too much it may push her off. I just want to be me now. Thats how I have been. I just wish she would do the same. You can just tell by the way she composes her self it's not her. I'm going to contunue to be how I would be no matter who was around. Is this a bad move? I dont see how it could be. She left me, if she wants another realtionship she's going to have to see by my actions that I wouldnet mind, but she has to bring it up. Then again I get wraped up in an idea sometimes and become blind to the obvious. But even that changes every day. I'm starting to see how things work now. It's like fixing a car, you want it to work and you know how to fix it, but it's going to take time, help and patients. And even after it's back on the road, another problem could arise you never even thought of. This time I want to build from step 1, but she needs to want to help if this is going to work. If not then leave it to rust and take a loan out and buy a new car. Either one sounds good, but I miss my "old car". And I dont like loans. j/j

Your right. We do need to start over, thats what she wanted when we first broke up, I just thought she was just being nice. But it looks to be going that way. Yes I would like to try things again. But how? I've never done this before. Have you? Do you have any tips for me?

It just seems false to me. I'm not waering my thoughts on my sleve or anything. But I am my self now. And yes there is that feeling I get when I'm near her. I'm sorry, It's just this rollercoaster has a lot of twists and turns, but I'm starting to get immune to the whip lash. All I see now is that samething over and over again. I want a different ride but with the same person. If that makes any sense.

I know she's my ex in all. But we should be past that point by now. At least when we talk. We shoulden't have to act like other people. I guess I'm guilty of doing just that my self. But I want to change this. We we're so close to act like this. The way we talk, you'd think we just met. She knows more abut me than my own parents, ( well thats because of other reasons, I moved out at a very young age) But thats besises the point.

How do you mean?

I offered my help with the move in. So maybe "if she needs me to help" I can brake the ice on this funky contact stuff and let her see she dosn't have to be this way. I'm just another person like any one of her friends.