My Decision ... pregnant by a married man (a little graphic)

Well, I thought i would post this for all of you who are pregnant and feel you are in a really hard spot trying to make a decision.

You may have read my earlier posts that I was pregnant by my boyfriend (of 3 yrs) who is not yet divorced. I struggled with my decision as to what to do. I must be honest with everyone here. We thought we wanted to have a child now (I knew I did) and so did he. I got pregnant. He became very scared of the consequences when his wife found out and although he was supportive he (not deliberately) pressured me to consider abortion.

We talked for hours or days on what we would do, he always said it was my decision but when I said I wanted to keep it he became very cold towards me and then when I said i would have an abortion he became very loving and affectionate. Last week I booked an appointment with a local womens clinic to have an abortion done. We were on our way there and I freaked out, couldn't stop crying and almost vomited. He called and cancelled the abortion.

I went home feeling much better, almost relieved. Then it started again. He became scared of what she would take from him or do to him. After spending many nights crying I felt I didn't have any other choice. Last week I booked another abortion at the same clinic and went yesterday.

I sat quiet all the way there. I went in and it was like an assembly line, all these women waiting for thier turn. Most seemed not to care that they were there, sitting around joking with their partners. I was trying not to cry until they called my name. i went to speak with the counseller. She gave me 2 pills one for cramping and one for pain, she also checked my blood for iron and to see what blood type I was. When she asked me how I felt about this I burst into tears. She consoled me and went through my options again with me and told me I didnt have to go through with this.

I wanted to back out but I told her I wanted to go ahead (keeping my boyfriend in mind the whole time. They brought me to another waiting room once I changed into a night gown and asked me to wait there again until the doctor was ready. My boyfriend was in the lobby of the medical building because theyw ould not allow him to wait in the office. They called my name and I asked to use the phone quickly. I called my boyfriend to see if he was sure this was what he wanted but his machine came on right away....it was my turn.

I walked into (what they call) the operating room and they began the ultrasound. I asked for a needle as well as the laughing gas to really sedate me so i didnt freak out.

(I am going to describe the procedure so if this will bother anyone please stop reading now)...

The started an IV, put my legs in stir-ups and gave me the gas. Above me there was a butterfly mobile that kept moving witht he air conditioning. The doctor put in some utensil to open me up, at that point I freaked out (especially being able to see the baby inside me on the monitor) I started kicking and crying. they again becane to calm me down. They brought in the counsellor once again to talk to me.i was hysterical and completely regretting what I was about to do. They once again asked me if I wanted to continue and for some stupid reason I said yes.

I lied back down, and they put 2 needles into my cervix to freeze it...I felt everything. They had previusly explained the abortion to me and said they "just removed" the pregnancy. The doctor then inserted some kind of instrument...they were jabbing and poking and sucking....this time I started screaming....but it was too late....I made the worst decision of my life.

It is now the day after...and I cannot forgive myself. I have had an abortion in the past and really had no problem with it. This time was different. I have been so upset I am making myself sick. I am having a hard time even looking at my boyfriend. The proceure was painful both physically and emaotinally and this time it will be something I will never forget. I have always been pro-choice....but I should have fought for the life that was inside of me...now I have to live with my decision.

I love my boyfriend, we can spport a child finanially, we have a house, we both have careers....so why did i choose this? I can't answer that, but I regret it. I was dumb...I have made his life better and made mine worse...You always learn from your mistakes, unfortunately this is a lesson learned too late.

I hate myself for this and will never forgive myself. For anyone who is having a tough time making a decision, I wish you the best and please consider all YOUR options. it is your child and noone else's....don't be like me...you will regret it...

Honey, i don't mean to sound harsh, but you should have listened to your gut, because not only will you have touble forgiving yourself, but so will God. I think you need to talk to your "boyfriend" and tell him how much trouble you had going through wiht it, and think if you really want t be with someone who pressured you into it.

Thanks for your very sweet remarks....I don't feel it is sick that I have had 2 abortions because the first time I had Uterine cancer and had no choice....but i guess I am going to hell for that one huh?My post was put here to help people trying to make a decision....so many people (like you) come on here and offer advice without ever having gone through a thing. i don't think it is fair to judge anyone and I believe that is straight from God's mouth, is it not?

I don't judge, I made a mistake and tried to help other girls from making the same one...I am helping. Those who judge get judged, always remember that.

As for anyone else who is considering abortion, please ignore this persons awful comments and be free to make your own decision....just don't do it for the reason i did...its your body and your choice...i got lost somewhere and am paying for it now, but i definitely won't end up in hell (unlike some people)

Troubled girl,

I am so sorry your are having to go through this pain. I think you are very courageous to share your story in hopes of helping others in a similar situation. Try not to let other people's opinions bother you - they were not in your shoes. Wishing you comfort and healing in this difficult time. Be good to yourself.

I am so sorry you are regretting your decision, and I am sorry for the emotional aftermath your are going through right now.

My only advice to you, is to dump the guy. What kind of jerk pressures his girlfriend into such a thing? Not to mention the fact that there will always be a part of you that resents him for this. Get rid of him, and find someone who will RESPECT your feelings.

I'm so sorry.

Thanks Ezila...

Its funny because the whole time I was thinking the same thing. Does love really make u blind? Or just stupid?

He wanted this pregnancy (which is why I got pregnant). He says he loves me like crazy and when I would cry everytime we discussed our options he said how he hated seeing me like this....he knew it would hurt me.

I think that is the worst part about the whoe decision....I would never do anything to hurt him...that was the ultimate basis for the decision to have the da*n abortion...why would he want to hurt me that way?

Ultimately it was my decision, can't blame him for it (although it does help with the pain)...

You are right though....it is time to end this now....

You can't blame yourself. While it may have ultimately been YOUR decision, it was a decision made in the most altruistic manner: you did it because you love your boyfriend. You did it for HIM, regardless of YOUR true feelings about it.

What really sucks about this, is that HE didn't put YOUR feelings first instead.

Someone once defined love for me like this: "Love is when someone else's happiness is more important than your own."

In those terms, there's no question that you love him; it's his love for you that doesn't quite measure up.

Definitely time to move on. Please take care of yourself.

It's a good thing you posted that the girl who posted that one message was only 15, because I was about to go off. I've never had an abortion or anything like that, but I would never judge someone for having one because I don't know their story.

Anyways, I'm glad to hear you're leaving this guy. I only wish you could have gotten yourself out before you were so hurt with this second abortion. He should have considered your feelings and emotions beforehand. And he didn't, plus he's married still, I don't know that whole story, but why didn't he consider what might happen if you got pregnant BEFORE he decided he wanted to get you pregnant? I hope you can move on from this experience with the knowledge that you are a great person and deserve to be treated as such. Drop this guy, if you've been with him for 3 years and he still hasn't left his wife, he is obviously not the man for you. I wish you all the best and I hope one day you can find it in yourself to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, some may seem bigger than others, but remember, the mistakes you make does not determine who you are, it's what you take away from those mistakes that makes you a better person.

troubledgirl,

i dont know if you remember me...but i was one of the one's who responded to your previous posts. my name is britany. i am 14 yrs old. i saw your comment on that 15 yr old. does it really matter what age you are? i know she was in the wrong...she should not have judged you. "judge lest you be judged"

i was the only one who told you not to have the abortion. was i not? why didnt you listen to me? now...you have to suffer the conciquences of your mistake. did you not listen because of my age?

i am really sorry that you had to go through that, but maybe next time you will listen to that gut feeling. that feeling was your heart. you should have listened.

i was feeling really great there for a while, because i thought i had talked someone out of killing their baby. now i feel sick at my stomach. i feel like i could have said soemthing more to stop you from making a terrible decision.

my advice to you: dont give a sh*t how old a person is, listen to them. you never know how much wisdom they may possess. and dump the jerk. no one should have to be forced into abortion. no one!

sorry i sorta lashed out at you. dont blame your self. sorry if i didnt help much.

Taken,

I did read your advice from earlier...I am sorry you feel you weren't successful in talking me out of the abortion but I posted on here just for advice.

The reason I mentioned the age thing is not that I doubt young people have no knowledge, but the experience may not all be there.

You were not able to look at the whole situation and what the basis was for my decision....which was not the right decision but I do have to live with it now.

Being pregnant by a man who is not yet divorced leaves a little more to be thought out than wether or not to keep the child. As it stands in Canada, because he and I are living together, his wife already stands to take a portion of my income. If my income goes up, so does her spousal support. Is that fair? Probably not...but who cares...

Then there is the issue of his daughter, she knows about me and has not yet met me. If this leaked out, how would she feel or react? What would his wife say to her to turn her against him (although I believe he was wrong what he did to me, no man deserves that)...what about his parents, they would be in for the shock of their lives??? She is leaning towards a fairly agreeable settlement now, if she found out it would piss her off enough to take everything she could from him?

With all this being said, what kind of emotional state would my boyfriend have been in? Would he have been there to support me emotionally? Would he resent the child? Would he support it?

These are a few of the reasons that influenced my decision....along with a million more....I was simply stating that I dont think a 15 year old could have realized all this.

Regardless of my decision being right or wrong, I will deal with it I have no choice. I feel when pregnant teens make a decision they base it on cute babies and little baby gap outfits, and fail to think everything through. I took my decision seriously, weighed all the odds over and over....unfortunately I became weak and fell into the pressure. Never again will that happen. Please do not take offence to what I said, i tried to explain it as best as possible. Thank you.

aight look, i may be young. yes! but i have been told numerous times that i am able to get people to think. i have wisdom farther than most adults. ok i didnt take any offense to what you said. i just simply stated what i felt.

because the way i was thinking right then was that i could have inflenced you to make another decision besides aborting your baby. when you didnt it sorta broke my heart. just to think that i, a 14 yr old girl, could talk a woman out of killing her child. it made me feel so good inside. ya know like i could take on the world or something. it raise my self asteem level by like a 100 points. then it was splattered everywhere.

yeah, maybe you would get some income taken away, and some of your things, but they are just things. things cant wake you up in the morning just to see you, things dont patter on the floor, things dont live inside of you, things dont learn to walk and talk, or even say i love you mommy. you see that baby couldve changed your world, turned it inside out. things dont do that! did you weigh that in your mind?

you know when you think of it, actually you could get everything taken away from you, but they cant steal your joy, your peace of mind, your little baby girl or boy. you see they can take everything but your happiness, NO! think of it. ya know that is kinda selfish. cause you weighed everything that had to do with things, money, a house, and your parents approval, but not with a life. that is selfish you thought of your life rather than your childs.

that is all im gonna say. ya know i am only 14 i really dont consider this kinda stuff. im too young to know anything about life or babies. what do i know im only 14, right?

Geeze, I think you take things a little too personal and need to re-read what I first wrote. I almost regret writing this post for others to see and learn from. The entire reason I wrote this was because I am having a hard time living with my decision....I know what I did, believe me I was the one having the procedure done.

You can say money, family and life are petty things but they play a major role in raising a child. I always wanted to have a child born into a family, one that was stable (financially, and emotionally)....I have known too many people brought up in disfunctional families and I didn't want to be another. In my decision I had to consider many things and I did take all of them into consideration...it may have been selfish to do what I did, but it may have also been selfish to keep the child. One one end I would have been content having the child and I would have loved that child, but on the other hand I would have ruined many people's lives....it isn't easy and I pray that you (or anyone) is never faced with this decision...

Again, for everyone.....the reason I wrote this post is not to have to justify my actions, just to help anyone out who may be in the same situation but is too scared to talk to anyone. I am having a hard time with my situation, but now I am living with it. You can't erase what you have done in the past, you can only make sure you never make those mistakes again in the future. Selfish or not, what's done is done....If I don't move forward, it will kill me.......

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive. I really needed that

faeriechyld & taken,

I apologizing for not posting, been very busy. Faeriechyld, I thank you for your very informative, and almost comforting posts. I really do appreciate it. Taken, thank y ou for the apology and I also apologize.

I am glad people understand the reason behind my post, I wasn't looking for criticism or sympathy....I just wanted other people to see that they aren't alone in whatever situation they are in. Unfortunately decision making is a huge part of life that will only get harder as we get older. Many people will make decisions they will regret for the rest of their lives. By learning about others experiences, this can help to open your mind to many things, it will help you evolve as a person.

I have made about a million mistakes and bad decisions, but I learn to move forward, it is the only way. I pray i am never in that situation again because I don't know if I can hanle it. I admitted to a wrong decision in hopes of touching someone else's life (even if just a tiny bit)

As for never having an abortion again, Who can say. Life leads you in many directions but I do want to have children and I believe I will when my time comes, and my health is fine and no obstacles will prevent me from doing so.

Until then, Birth Control everyday at 4:00pm. For a women, an abortion for any reason is almost traumatizing and it is so important to becareful before being stuck where I was.

My problem, we were planning on having a child, there was no reason for me to prevent it. I guess that is what hurts me so much.

Thank you both, and take care of yourselves.

troubledgirl>>>

i just wanna thank you for your apology. i also hope you can forgive me for being so rude to you.

i think that you did help people with their situations by posting your problem. i admire you for that.

i also wanted to say that even though i wouldnt have done the same thing that you did, i know where you are coming from. i understand your reasons, although i dont agree with them. i have to go move on though, cause thats life. you make mistakes, stumble a lil, and get back up and keep on living your life.

anyways, i just wanted to say that to you.

faeriechild>>>>

thank you for helping me see this. and for understanding where im coming from, as well as where troubledgirl is coming from. i think that you helped me and troubledgirl to make up, even though we have our differences. so thanks! hope to hear from you both again.

 

As it stands in Canada, because he and I are living together, his wife already stands to take a portion of my income. If my income goes up, so does her spousal support. Is that fair? Probably not...but who cares...

 

For the record, I live in Canada and my husband's ex tried that. It doesn't work that way. Most of our income is in my name and she can't touch it.

As for the abortion, I am very sorry for you. My heart goes out to you. This man does not love you or he would not have forced you to make such an awful choice for yourself. I really hope you start listening to your heart. Find somebody who really loves you and lets you make your own decisions, even if he disagrees.

Why did he want you to be pregnant in the first place? Was this all a test of your love? Or maybe a test of his control over you? I am very worried for you and hope that you can see him for what he is: a lying, cheating, manipulating, control freak who only cares about himself.

Best of luck!

I too recently experienced the same thing. My visit to the clinic was Monday. It took me 12 weeks to give in to the silent and angry treatment my boyfriend was dishing out. You see this is the 2nd abortion he convinced me to do. This time, his wife is pregnant...4 months. They know they are having a boy, just what he wanted. But since Monday he has been with me everyday, almost all day. I hate what I did, I really wanted that baby. Now I have a tubal ligation scheduled to prevent this awful thing from happening again. I just don't know where or how to pick up the pieces. Not only did I lose a love for a man I had never felt, but I lost a baby that could have been the best thing in my life. I too, am financially secure...maybe more than the average person my age. So I can find no justification for what I did. It was solely to protect his marraige and baby on the way. I hate him for that, I hate me for that. It's really hard to look at myself anymore, let alone look at my 6 year old little girl. How could I kill it? This is something I too will never forget. I hope one day I can at least forgive myself, I know I will never forgive him.

Hello ehughes1 and welcome!

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.

I am curious why you are having a ligation if you still want to have another child. You realize that this is considered a permanent operation (they can occasionally reverse it, but the odds are not good). I sincerely hope this is not at your boyfriend's urging because this may be something you would seriously regret later.

To be direct, get this man out of your life. He is very, very unhealthy for you. He obviously has no intention of changing his marital situation and he clearly has no concern for you or your feelings. He is only using you to satisfy himself. And the relationship is doing a lot of damage to you on the inside. I can see it just from your short post.

Its time for absolutely no contact with this man. I think thats the only way to heal you at this point. You can't have him whispering things in your ear when you are at a low point. You need to focus just on you and your daughter right now.

I'd also like to suggest some counseling for you now. This situation is going to take awhile for you to heal from. I wish I could give you some quick words to make you feel better but I don't want to minimize what you must be going through right now.

Just know that there IS forgiveness no matter what has happened. It will take time. You'll have to let the hurt run its course. But you can find forgiveness. Even for this man, you can find forgiveness.

Please do get some help. It will really make a difference in your life. You shouldn't try to go through this one alone. We are also here to help you through this. Love and hug your daughter too. She's an important part of helping you heal.

avman

"Yeah, maybe you would get some income taken away, and some of your things, but they are just things. things cant wake you up in the morning just to see you, things dont patter on the floor, things dont live inside of you, things dont learn to walk and talk, or even say i love you mommy. you see that baby couldve changed your world, turned it inside out. things dont do that! did you weigh that in your mind?

you know when you think of it, actually you could get everything taken away from you, but they cant steal your joy, your peace of mind, your little baby girl or boy. you see they can take everything but your happiness, NO! think of it. ya know that is kinda selfish. cause you weighed everything that had to do with things, money, a house, and your parents approval, but not with a life. that is selfish you thought of your life rather than your childs."

This girl has a whole lot of heart, I admire that so much. That's a great quality, don't ever change that. I'm nobody to judge cause I'm kinda in the same situation (but handling it way diff) but honostly,troubled one, if a man sees a future with you, he sees kids with you. Like I said I don't judge you,if anything I hope god will forgive you for your mistake.BUT I think he put u in this situation to turn on the lightbulb in your head and realize he isn't for you. Xoxo

To both Troubled and Ehughes:

I'm so sorry for what you have both been through, and continue to go through. I hope that you will learn to listen to your hearts, and figure out what is best for you. A man who is not leaving his wife, when he has had tons of time to do so, is not a man worth keeping. A man who pressures you into an abortion to save face, is not a man worth keeping. I really hope that both of you leave these men (acting more like boys) and find true happiness. I also hope that you are able to forgive yourselves.

I'm sorry for the both of you. Neither of those men are worthy of you.

Troubled,

I understand your reasoning as to why you wanted to post this to show young people about their decisions and consequences. However, I think it goes back further than just the abortion.

Everyone has choices. All along the way of this journey there were plenty of choices and consequences that lead you in this direction that could have been prevented. It is not just about choosing an abortion b/c your boyfriend wanted it and you love him.

Everyone does realize that this post is 4 years old, right?

I realized that the post is very old, and thereforeeee I have changed it to something more general.

In this situation, the boyfriend was wrong and Troubled_Girl was right. Under normal health conditions, and particularly when the foetus is developed enough (that specialists consider it a live body), abortion amounts to deliberate killing and thereforeeee, not allowed. However, there is the exception that abortion could be allowed for a lady's health sake, and that too when properly suggested by some responsible specialist/physician. The boyfriend did not do this to protect her, and forced her to have an abortion over her own objections. I think that she takes the moral high ground here, and the blame needs to rest on the man who pushed her towards this act for his own selfish reasons.

I'm sorry, but you let some married guy get in the way of an innocent life. You tried to do what you thought he would want, not what you knew was right. And you were right- you made the wrong decision and it will haunt you for the rest of your life. I hope you don't think that it will be different with you once he is divorced (if that ever happens) because he will do the same thing to you that he did to his (ex)wife. Get ready for it....

I am so sorry. I subconsciously covered my mouth while reading your story, not because you had an abortion, but because it was so emotionally traumatizing for you. I hope that you can find a way to forgive yourself, and gather enough courage to end a relationship with a man who can only think of himself.

Hello troubled girl,

I am a married woman. You need to think higher of yourself, seeing a married man is desperate and you have to think about what your seeing him is doing to his wife and children. If he would do this to his wife what is he going to do to you? I know you think he loves, this is not love. A lot of married men mess around because they are to cowardly to fix the problems in their own marriage. If he has not divorced his wife after 3 years he isn't going to. She may leave him because of this, but he is not going to leave her. If you turnaround and marry him, he will eventually do you worse than he did her. Think better of yourself and find someone who really cares for you.