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Thread: I'm hurting

  1. #51
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    Look, I didn't say I was going to kill myself. I said I didn't want to live anymore because living hurts. And do you know what happens when you do make a call like that? You get locked up like you're some kind of criminal. I'm sorry for sounding defensive but trying to open up like this is hard.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Well "I don't want to live anymore" carries a certain connotation....plus you did post in the 'Suicide' section of the forum*

    If it's hard then that's good....There's not much strength to be gained locked away in a comfort zone...

    So keep pushing those limits buddy...you're doin' great*

  3. #53
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    I'm sorry but maybe that's frustrating because calling emergency services on myself isn't something that has been helpful. And I realize where I'm posting, but at the same time it doesn't mean I have a plan to take my life right now.im sorry, I feel really unsure and overwhelmed right now

  4. #54
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    Originally Posted by saku
    One of the things I am struggling with is whether or not I should tell her that I don't want to live anymore and why. I'm afraid telling her that will come off as emotional blackmail or something. But if I were to tell her this I want to tell her the reason I feel this way isn't just because of her but how I have constantly am struggling when it comes to communicating with other people like my mother. I'm just tired of feeling like I have to accept and be okay with what others say and sometimes that is really hard.

    But as I said I don't want to say these things at the expense of her own feelings and struggles she's dealing with.

    Yesterday I felt very down and I tried to shake it off, but I couldn't. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to implode. Sorry if that didn't make sense.
    Hi saku. Now I'm getting a much clearer picture of your dilemma. That said, I am still of the belief that you might consider talking to her about how you feel. It may lighten your load. Additionally, I don't think you are being fair or kind to yourself to keep these things inside you. You deserve to be kind to yourself and to love yourself because you matter. Communication is so hard. No question about that.

    I honestly feel that you have two choices now (neither of which is easy, I understand);

    1. Tell her how you feel. I mentioned at some point that she may not even be aware of how strongly this has affected you.

    2. Hold it inside and let it fester. Not a good idea and it's no way to live, IMHO, saku.

    I admire that you wish to spare her heartache but, at the same time, not at your expense. I think about you often, even if I don't write back. I've been having some sad days myself lately. Hugs.

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  6. #55
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    What you have said has been encouraging. What you said makes me feel like I'm being understood. Someone else (not on here) keeps thinking I'm trying push a relationship on her and that's not the case. Really I'm not sure how I feel about a relationship with her at this point. I want to open up to her, but there is so much fear in doing so and yet not doing so feels worse.

    I'm sorry that you've been feeling sad as of late. I hope it won't last much longer for you. I'm sorry for not being more encouraging.

  7. #56
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    dear saku, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Perhaps you should say that you would like an opportunity to talk to her simply to air out some feelings that you harbour and nothing more. That, of course, means making yourself vulnerable though. If you do decide to talk to her (and I sincerely hope you have the courage to do so), try really hard to maintain neutrality, if possible. I say this because I don't know specifics but don't accuse her or blame yourself; just state facts as you see them and tell her that. You have a right to feel like you do, and so does she. People have different interpretations of identical situations. It sounds to me that telling her outweighs not telling her. You have to be strong and take that step or else it will forever haunt you. Take the leap, saku! And, if you're not looking for a relationship with her, what do you have to lose? Remember that everyone goes through dark times and everyone gets hurt at some point or another. That's just the way life works. At the end, you may feel very proud of yourself.

    I feel better now. The issue for me is that there are days when I still find it hard to digest that my ex actually threw me to the curb after so many years of marriage. I mistakenly thought we had a special bond. How wrong I was. I am convinced that, with time, my broken heart will heal. He was in my life for 31 years so it will take some time to fully process that and accept my now reality. Besides, I'm not the only person on earth who is divorced, right? I wish you a restful weekend. Hugs.

  8. #57
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    dear saku, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Perhaps you should say that you would like an opportunity to talk to her simply to air out some feelings that you harbour and nothing more. That, of course, means making yourself vulnerable though. If you do decide to talk to her (and I sincerely hope you have the courage to do so), try really hard to maintain neutrality, if possible. I say this because I don't know specifics but don't accuse her or blame yourself; just state facts as you see them and tell her that. You have a right to feel like you do, and so does she. People have different interpretations of identical situations. It sounds to me that telling her outweighs not telling her. You have to be strong and take that step or else it will forever haunt you. Take the leap, saku! And, if you're not looking for a relationship with her, what do you have to lose? Remember that everyone goes through dark times and everyone gets hurt at some point or another. That's just the way life works. At the end, you may feel very proud of yourself.

    I feel better now. The issue for me is that there are days when I still find it hard to digest that my ex actually threw me to the curb after so many years of marriage. I mistakenly thought we had a special bond. How wrong I was. I am convinced that, with time, my broken heart will heal. He was in my life for 31 years so it will take some time to fully process that and accept my now reality. Besides, I'm not the only person on earth who is divorced, right? I wish you a restful weekend. Hugs.
    First, I want to say that i'm very sorry for the pain your ex caused. I cannot imagine being for someone that long and one day they just end up hurting you and leaving you in so much pain. That was not fair of him at all. I know it doesn't help you to say this, but it really makes me angry that he did this to you.

    This is hard, but the following is an attempt to explain further this situation regarding this girl. I'm sorry in advance as it is somewhat long and honestly, I'm scared to share this, but I feel I kind of need to:

    Last year she went to a treatment facility for an eating disorder and sex addiction. Apparently some years ago, she was raped and this led to her wanting to have sex a lot. After she got out of the facility last November, her phone broke before that and she wasn't able to get in touch with me and some other people. At the same time, her ex "was just there" as she put it, and she was lonely and they got back together before breaking up again sometime in March. I wrote to her in May and she responded with how she owed me an apology and she was sorry for hurting me and I believed her. I was glad to be talking again, but it was hard.

    She kept saying how she loves talking to me and how I was an amazing man and she wants to finally meet, but at the same time, she doesn't want to imply a relationship and she doesn't know what the future holds. The thing is, I feel the same way. I like her and I want to get to know her, but I'm not sure about a relationship right now. But then she says other things like she doesn't want to lead me on and she values me as a person and friend. My problem with this is that it contradicts what she said about not knowing what the future holds. It feels like she just wants me to accept friendship and nothing more. I met her on a dating site and the first time I mustered up the courage to ask her out she said that she would really like that. But then she ended up dating this guy. She says he's selfish and inconsiderate, but clearly he is worth her time.

    Back in June, I kept trying, to tell her that I didn't feel led on by her, but I feel like she just wants to talk without progressing or moving forward and that doesn't really feel like even friendship to me. At the same time, I find myself second guessing things, which she found irritating. I keep trying to tell her that I was sorry and it's a habit. What I didn't say was that things like her picking her ex over me made it hard to trust her all the way. Lie when she said that she would really like to meet, I trusted her and some of that trust was compromised by her dating him.

    But I tried my best to just talk and not worry too much about messing up. And so around the end of June we were talking through text one day and it was just a casual conversation. And then all of a sudden I get this text saying that she was shutting off her phone as she is feeling overwhelmed and needed to take time for herself. She said she may be gone for a week or for months. The text was written as though she was sending it to all her contacts and not just me, but I felt very confused as because nothing up to that point indicated she was going to do that. I tried to call and didn't get a response. I hated calling her as I have had bad experiences talking to people over the phone. But she then texted me saying she didn't answer because she was on the phone with the phone company, going through the process of having the phone being put in her brother's name. Now I was really confused as she didn't mention that in the text before. I thought I had did something wrong and she said that I didn't and that this wasn't about me. She said she would call me when she got her new phone. I tried to accept this, but I still felt very confused and hurt.

    After about a week or two I texted her brother since he now had her phone. I was hurting and while I didn't want him to know exactly to what extent I was hurting, I wanted him to tell her that I hoped she was okay but that I didn't fully understand this. I said some other things but I don't remember because I ended u telling him never mind and that was because he ended up offering me some further insight into what was going on with his sister. He said that she went out of state because she needed to straighten her life out. He said she had a hard time coping with things and that she would need to make the decision to better herself and that no one else could do that for her. What he said helped a little in understanding that this wasn't something done personally to me. So I just told him to tell her that I hoped she would be okay.

    Last month I decided to text him again. I was hesitant in doing so, but I just wanted to ask how she was doing. I got a response from someone who said they didn't know who I was as they had just got this new number after changing theirs. I didn't know how to feel and I didn't want to question that any further. I am trying not to take this personally, but my fear is that he changed his number because of me texting him. That maybe I did something wrong in doing so.


    I'm sorry for sounding so dramatic and pathetic saying that. But with all that said, that is why I am planning to write a letter to her. But I don't know what to say. Everytime, especially while I'm at work, I think of so many things to say and a lot of it makes me feel so overwhelmed. She has at times said that she has hurt me whether I will admit that or not. I have never felt that she has hurt me on purpose....but yes, she has hurt me. But at the same time, I don't want to write a letter basically attacking her and acting as if I am the only one with hurt feelings. Amanda, (that's her name) is also hurting and I want to be understanding of that. But a part of me is so tired of all of this. She acts like she is just completely powerless and has no control whatsoever over her often impulsive behavior. on her dating profile, she said that she isn't perfect but that she has it together and that she expects a man to have his life together as she had no time for games. Well....sometimes, this feels like a game and I'm not okay with that.

    This is why I'm unsure whether I open up about not wanting to live anymore. I know saying things like that can be seen as manipulative, which is not what i'm trying to do. But she once said she has felt that type of pain and maybe I just want her to know that's what i'm feeling. But it's not just because of her. This is so much more complex than I have energy to explain right now. This isn't about being in a relationship with her. But right now, I feel hurt because people like her ex, despite being selfish is worth getting to know. This man and woman who apparently she met who wanted to have sex with her, but she turned them down, only for them to call the Christian school she teaches at and nearly got her in trouble, spreading rumors, are worth getting to know.(Yeah I know that sounds confusing, honestly, I was confused when she told me this and still am to an extent). But I don't feel like I am. I don't know what I am to her and I don't exactly know how I feel about her other than I care and I want her to be okay. But other than that...I just don't know.

    i'm sorry if all of this was confusing, but I hope in some way it sort of made sense. if it didn't then I'm sorry and I guess this means I just suck at writing and explaining things.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    I hope writing that out helped saku* Writing out stuff like that has long known to be cathartic.

    Although you do tend to beat yourself up a bit too much.

    Iím not implying that you suck at writing (because you donít, quite good actually compared to a lot Iíve seen!) but letís say you did. The point is so what? Whoís to judge? And then you could say ďOk. What can I do to improve thatĒ...you feel me?

    Maybe IíM the one who sucks at writing! lol

    Your kind words and empathy to Goddess is a good example of why you matter and why the world still needs you*

    Carus*

  10. #59
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    I hope writing that out helped saku* Writing out stuff like that has long known to be cathartic.

    Although you do tend to beat yourself up a bit too much.

    Iím not implying that you suck at writing (because you donít, quite good actually compared to a lot Iíve seen!) but letís say you did. The point is so what? Whoís to judge? And then you could say ďOk. What can I do to improve thatĒ...you feel me?

    Maybe IíM the one who sucks at writing! lol

    Your kind words and empathy to Goddess is a good example of why you matter and why the world still needs you*

    Carus*
    I think what is hard for me is that I am trying to find the right words to convey how I'm feeling when it comes to this girl I like. and I don't know for sure what the words are.

    I believe I've mentioned that I often feel frustrated with communicating with others like this girl because it often feels like a one way kind of thing where I'm supposed to be understanding of someone, but shouldn't expect that in return. One of the most frustrating experiences I've had with someone who did this was a woman I met at this church I once visited. For whatever reason that to this day I still don't fully understand, this lady, (I'll call her Yolanda) took this immediate liking to me. She was older than my mother and introduced me to her family as her adopted son. Once when we went out to eat, she just outright called me Things like that made me feel uneasy but what bothered me even more was how pushy and controlling she was. She would often try to tell me what to do and she would do so in a way that came off like she knew more about me than I did about my own self.

    But what really pissed me off was how she kept wanting me to open up to her and yet when I did, she would scold and chastise me. I tried to share with her about a rejection I had experienced at that time and she kept talking to me as if it was wrong that I felt bad. Like I wasn't allowed to or something. she would do the same thing when it came to my faith. I was very discouraged with God at the time (actually, I still am) and she would just act as if my being in pain was a personal insult to her. But the thing is she would often talk about being angry with God. She once said that she would cry every night. She acted like this was something that only she could do and not me. and she would say these things to me and follow it up with "I know you're angry now". And yeah, I was, and she would have been angry too if someone acted that way to her. In fact was so crazy was that she would often say that she didn't associate with the people at her church. she never said why, but because one day when she said that, she mentioned that they don't even know that she smoked cigarettes, I got the impression that she was afraid of being judged unfairly. Basically, she just being a hypocrite and eventually I hung up on her one day when she wouldn't shut the hell up talking over me.
    She later acknowledged that she talked too much and how she didn't want my blood on her hands, a reference to me trying to share with her how I thought about ending my life. But up until that point of hanging up on her, she didn't care about my feelings. All she cared about was being controlling.

    I am sorry if that didn't make sense, but the point I was trying to make is that it was not only frustrating as hell trying to communicate with Yolanda, but I have had similar experiences like that when it comes to communicating with other people. And I am just so tired of it. This is why I don't want to try to connect with people anymore. And really, it's part of why I question going on with my life at all. Again, I'm sorry if I didn't explain all of this well enough.

  11. #60
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    OK well firstly, stop saying sorry. Say what you mean and stand by it. I get a feeling you were quashed as a child. One of my parent's favourite sayings was "If you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all!"....You can imagine what that does to a kid as far as expressing themselves does!

    Do you remember that or something similar to that as a child....?
    Originally Posted by saku
    I think what is hard for me is that I am trying to find the right words to convey how I'm feeling when it comes to this girl I like. and I don't know for sure what the words are.
    Words are not enough....You need to show her, and the best way to do that is to first get yourself into a more confident place otherwise it won't last anyway. From your posts I gather this will take some time and work but are you ready for that challenge....? Posting here has been a good first step for you I feel*
    Originally Posted by saku
    I believe I've mentioned that I often feel frustrated with communicating with others like this girl because it often feels like a one way kind of thing where I'm supposed to be understanding of someone, but shouldn't expect that in return. One of the most frustrating experiences I've had with someone who did this was a woman I met at this church I once visited. For whatever reason that to this day I still don't fully understand, this lady....
    This forum doesn't allow swearing but my initial thought after reading all that is 'Fk her...!'

    Let me ask you this to ask yourself: Why did that ONE persons opinion matter so much...?

    Carus*

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