Emotionally unavailable and at a cross roads - should I let her go?

This is a long one, but thank you if you manage to get trough it.

Me and my partner in family inc are considering parting ways. We have two kids, in early school and late preschool. We both acknowledge that the last four to five years have been focused on just running the household. We have probably been romantic in some sense of the word once or twice the last year. Physically or emotionally. Been together since we were about 18, mid thirties now. Long and complicated history, including her cheating on me, admittedly at a time when I was quite emotionally unavailable and not a great boyfriend. But my crippling low self esteem and fear of beeing forever alone prompted me to fix things, win her bakc, and we had a re-kindling for some time.

She has been quite emotionally volatile\depressed at times, which through years of beeing a "rock" to lean on, has left me jaded and hard skinned when it comes to her somewhat regular breakdowns.

I could probably live a content life in just about any circumstance. I am generally very optimistic, and find meaning and joy in just about anything. We have joked about me probably beeing just as well off living with a clump of coal in her down periods where she would deem herself not good enough or even bad for me.

The last year however, things have changed. I have come to realise that I may infact be bad for her. I keep hurting her, e.g. with not taking her seroiusly especially when she is very emotional (she has said quite a lot of mean things through the years, uses hyperbole a lot, etc. I therefore have a "filter" on when times are rough). I do most of the cooking and cleaning, and always have done, and have given up asking her to clean up her mess and help with the daily chores. It doesnt do anything for her to have a clean and tidy home, while I get in a misarable mood when the house is a mess, which is most days.

But at the slightest hint of affection, one loving stroke on my back and looking deep into my eyes, and I am 18 and in love again. Untill we are once againg knee deep in clothes and toys, tired, aggrevated and trying to get the kids in bed. I tend to think in terms of alogrithms and problem solving, she is a feelings person. She just wants to her nice things, but I always get stuck in trying to solve the problem - when all she needs is someone who can show some compassion. I am horrible at reading other people, and tend to score somewhat above average on aspberges scales. I could go on writing a ten book series on the issues and grudges in this tangled mess.

But here is the gist of it. We are at a crossroads. I honestly don't think I would ever initiate a break up. I am enternally optimistic, and always think things will get better. I have no illusions as to how flowery a relationship will be after 15 years, and would be able to live a contempt live under almost any circumstance. But now, she is ready to move out. Says she has had enough. I know I can probably turn the tides and try again, if I once more promise to be a better spouse. But deep down I know I wont be able to deliver. I have tried again and again to be more emotionally available and in touch, but it just doesnt come naturally to me. I have no idea if thats just who I am, or if that is just a pattern I am stuck in with her. I often ask myself if I would act the same way with a hypothetical new partner, after the initial romance has started to fade and daily life sets in. But I honestly dont know the answer, as she is the only person I have really been with. I honestly just want the best for her. I want her to be happy again. I have no big un-met romantic needs, and dont long for much. But it is not fair of me to keep pulling her back just to hurt and dissapoint her again and again. I feel like I am somewhat of an emotionalless psycho (as does she at times). But I don't know if it is because I not in love, dont love her enough, or if this is just who I am. And I don't know which feelings are real anymore.

I don't know if it is finally time to let her go, or if I am just an idiot for not trying harder (once again). And it makes it more complicated that I just dont know what I actually want - aside from pleasing other people and not letting her down. I am afraid that I cant give her what she needs - that emotional deep connection that I seem to be lacking for some reason.

Just writing this down seems to help a bit. Would appreciate any insights, but I dont expect an answer. Would love to hear other peoples stories in similar situations, especially when it comes to not beeing in touch with my feelings.

Well, I would ask, what are you going to do with the kids? What will happen to them? Are they collateral damage? Also, I would suggest counseling if you both want to try again. You can learn how to support her with her depression, and she can learn to support you with your Asperger's. Also in counseling or therapy you can figure out what you both want from your relationship. I think you should at least give it a try again for the kids' sake.

Sorry to hear this. Where is she moving to? Have you contacted an attorney regarding child visitation/custody and the amount of child support you will be obligated to pay?

Have you recently met someone or have your eye on someone? You seem bored, complacent and miserable and seem to only get it together when she threatens to leave. Set her and yourself free rather than showing your kids what an unhappy, loveless relationship looks like.

We have two kids, in early school and late preschool. But now, she is ready to move out. Says she has had enough.

 

a pattern I am stuck in with her. I often ask myself if I would act the same way with a hypothetical new partner, after the initial romance has started to fade and daily life sets in.

She just wants to move closer to the shool, and to a new house, as she hates our current house. Sparse neighbourhood, a road that is not safe for the kids to wander, few kids in the close area. If we split ways, we will be sharing the kids 50/50. Despite it all, we both care a lot for each other and only want the best for each other. Havent met someone, not really that insteressted in romance at the moment. I kind of take solice in the fact that I would be alone, with no drama and arguing about the mess. Beeing able to have people drop by without inducing a panic attack.

Does she have a mood disorder or substance abuse situation or a hoarding disorder? Those things make life extremely difficult to live with someone. It may be best for everyone involved to amicably part ways and focus on co-parenting.

I kind of take solice in the fact that I would be alone, with no drama and arguing about the mess. Beeing able to have people drop by without inducing a panic attack.

I would like to echo the advice about relationship counseling.

I don’t think you should get back together without relationship counseling. You seem to be stuck in a loop where she gets upset, wants to leave, you ask for her back and then it starts again. If you were to get back together without guidance (on both sides) to help you communicate and understand each other better, and see things in a new light, and without tools to help guide you both to a different place, it will simply be more of the same.

That said, with such young children in the mix, if you have any “try” left in you, I would hate to advise you to split.

Relationship counseling can help guide you both to a different result - even if that different result is an amicable split. I think it would do wonders for both of you, and you wouldn’t ever have to wonder “what if”.

On the mood disorder - she would say no, her brother would say yes. Her brother has been trying to get her to try therapy (as have I) but she is quite insistant that she just has feelings and is sad because of her situation. I am somewhere in between. She sure is more volatile than me - but so are most people. I am not a good indicator of standard emotional range I guess. No substance abuse but has been strugglig a bit with her weight, (cant stop eating when she is full. I sometimes try do discretetly pack up dinner once everyone is served, but that sometimes backfires of course). She constantly "quits" sugar and is mad at me if I forget about her abstinence and exposes her to it, yet she will often eat the sweets she can find, so I never know if shes on or off - and get a lot of crap if I ask. If I comment on her lack of consistency, I just get hammered with "so you think I am fat". She is not quite a horder, but her mother is, and she most definitivly has a harder time throwing things away than I have. She probably has tens of boxes of old books and "stuff" that just seems to be moved along to the next storage but never gets used.

A lot of these things run in families and will only get worse not better. Free yourself and your kids from this. Do not bother with therapy. It won't work because she has way too many untreated problems and refuses help. Stop giving her eating tips and nonsense like this, etc. Just move out and set up custody and child support with the courts.

Protect your children from this very unhealthy situation. They will be buried in trash and junk food, be morbidly obese by high school and subjected to her bad habits and mood swings. Get them the hell out of there! She will make them even sicker than she already is. Protect your kids!

she is quite insistant that she just has feelings and is sad because of her situation.

 

strugglig a bit with her weight, cant stop eating when she is full.

 

She is not quite a horder, but her mother is

We have tried getting though relationship books, but the conclusion is more often that not that there is just too much to fix, or that we "score" in the "dead end" categories. I have given up on so many struggles and left her spolied in some sense when it comes to taking responsibility for the house, getting the kids to school and preschool, activities etc. In most part because she has had emotinal issues that have led to me doing what I can to make things easier - and not nagging about the dishes and mess to avoid her getting even more down. If I bring up the clothes that are on every surface of the house, she gets mad beacause I have been "holding it in for years". But the greater issues is perhaps that I don't know if I could ever be the emotionally aware person I think she needs. Even if we straigthen things out, move and get all things in order, I am afraid that I will just be so focused on sovling the algorithm of keeping her happy, and won't be able to truly be there in an emotional sense. It is so hard for me to parse out what is true loving affection and what is me calculating the best response to the situation, since we such a volatile emotional history with me hurting her left and right just because I cant understand that what she needs is not what she seems to ask. I fear I have just gotten too detached playing the caretaker role through what has been some rough years. After the one hundreth time of holding a crying lump in my arms, it begins to feel routine, it is something that I know comes, and I know will pass in a few hours or days. So when there is a new and well justified reason for her breakdown, I have a hard time beeing truly emathic. I have been here so many times, and have gotten so used to it that it doesnt affect me the way it would if I saw a friend or co-worker in that state

A lot of these things run in families and will only get worse not better. Free yourself and your kids from this. Do not bother with therapy. It won't work because she has way too many untreated problems and refuses help. Stop giving her eating tips and nonsense like this, etc. Just move out and set up custody and child support with the courts.

 

Protect your children from this very unhealthy situation. They will be buried in trash and junk food, be morbidly obese by high school and subjected to her bad habits and mood swings. Get them the hell out of there! She will make them even sicker than she already is. Protect your kids!

Completely agree with this advice. While I do not have first hand experience with this, a close friend of mine went through a similar set of circumstances, blew a ton of money on counseling and in the end....essentially had to fight in court to get full custody of his kids to get them away from someone with massive compulsion disorders and alcoholism. As Wiseman has indicated, the sooner that you get them away from from someone with these issues, the sooner that your future gets brighter.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Contact a lawyer immediately and start moving forward for you and the kids.

I think more pertinent to this situation will be the individual diagnoses of both parties. You have already alluded to idiosyncracies you have that may suggest an autism spectrum disorder, you should have an evaluation. She is exhibiting traits of both cluster C (OCD) and cluster B (look up DSM criteria for borderline) personality disorders, with concerning family history. You both may benefit from individualized therapy and then relationship counseling, if it can be salvaged at this point. The former is almost inevitable if you proceed with divorce to establish what is safest for the children; she may attempt to relinquish rights/assets to evade the mental health evaluation. But it's in the best interest of the entire family to get the help and support you will need.

They are not married. They have worked out how they wish to handle custody and co-parent. He did not mention that he has or thinks he may have autism.

you have that may suggest an autism spectrum disorder, you should have an evaluation. if you proceed with divorce to establish what is safest for the children

They are not married. They have worked out how they wish to handle custody and co-parent. He did not mention that he has or thinks he may have autism.

Apologies, separation with children. I believe the OP referenced Asperger's, which falls under ASDs. Diagnosis at a later age would suggest a milder form, but proper evaluation may still be warranted.