Marriage Breakdown

Hi, Im just after anybody's opinion on my situation, I feel like I just don't know what to think or do anymore!

 

Basically up untill 3 weeks ago, I thought my life was made, perfect marriage, house, beautiful baby - but then out of nowhere my husband told me he doesn't like me anymore, im not who I used to be, I nag at him all the time & he is tired of us arguing. He said one of us should move out whilst we work out what went wrong so we can try to fix it. I stupidly agreed to move out with our 8 month old daughter & stayed with his mum & dad for 2 weeks (mine live miles away!)

Since then hes now told me hes been in touch with another girl all throughout our 11 year relationship (5 of those married) as a friend and he is now seeing her in a romantic way! I am absolutely devastated - he said he never meant for it to happen & he didnt go looking for it, but it makes me feel sick! We have both been completely faithful to each other our whole relationship & I trusted him completely, he says nothing has happened but im not sure.

In the last 3 weeks he has spent less than 1 hour in total with our little girl.

I have moved back in now & we are going to try and live alongside each other as friends, but its so awkward! Im not sure what to do next or if i have done the right thing?

 

Thank You for listening if you made it this far! I would appreciate hearing peoples opinions on this.

Sorry this is going on. The two things that should be happening is him moving out and you filing for divorce. Do not try to live as friends while he carries on affairs. See an attorney asap to get advice on how to best navigate this, but do so in private.

It is so dysfunctional and codependent for you to be living in the same house as him while he carries on an extra-marital affair. Good grief. Get yourself out of there and then get to a lawyer in order to get child support payments started and visitation rights ironed out. You staying with him and enabling his affair is going shred you emotionally and living there will do NOTHING to make him realize he's being the idiot he is being.

 

What has HIS parents said about their son and his choices?

What made you "nag" him and argue with him all of the time? What was he doing or not doing to irk you so?

Ok I’m gonna make one big assumption here; that you still love this man, and want your marriage (and to keep your daughters father in her life).

 

So in that basis, what I’m about to suggest is the complete opposite of what everyone else will tell you. And it’s gonna be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but it will PROBABLY work.

 

You said you’re back in the house, living as “friends”. Good. Stay there. Don’t leave again. If he makes noises about leaving himself, act all agreeable and nice but say that you want to do things amicably, sensibly, that you want to make it a smooth process for your daughters sake.

 

Everything, right now, should be about your daughter. You want to ensure that she has stability. You don’t want her to see her parents fighting. You definitely don’t want her to see Daddy with another woman or the confusion that would cause. You want to ensure financial stability for BOTH of you, so that your little girl never has to endure any stress from this.

 

Throughout this process, you are going to focus on becoming your best version of yourself. You will stop eating junk food. You will work out every day, even if the only way possible is to put your girl in a stroller and take her for walks, you’ll do it, and the crunches, and the sit-ups, you are going to do your makeup beautifully every single day and wear your most flattering clothes.

 

Most of all you will be nice to him. No matter how hard it is. When you feel angry, you’ll go for a run. Or go to bed. But you will not argue or call him names. You may, on rare occasions, cry and tell him you love him so much and don’t want to lose him. But not every night.

 

Don’t tell anyone, and pretend like everything is just perfect in the world. If he says anything, you can always just say you don’t want to air dirty lsundry.

 

I’d also suggest spending more time with his mum. Not obviously, but things you would already do - enabling her to spend more time with her granddaughter.

 

Now, you might feel like this is useless, but you know what? While you are busy turning yourself into a hybrid between Mother Theresa and a supermodel (who also happens to be the mother of his child, his legally married wife, and clearly has s good relationship with his parents); this other woman will be stressing out about WHY HADNT HE LEFT YOU YET. She’ll be turning into an insecure, jealous mess, accusing him of lying and if leading her on. Believe me —- it won’t take long for her to lose her appeal, and to look like the psycho homewrecking that we all know she is.

 

Also, if his parents like you (which it sounds like they do) they’ll already be in his ear telling him to be very careful about what he does, to not throw away s good marriage. You may not feel like it right now, but you already have the upper hand.

 

Best of luck, I really do feel for you but I’d advise you to fight for this marriage — but don’t fight HIM. Lots of love

You're not going to be able to do any of that ^^^ when you're an emotional wreck and your confidence is at an all time low.

Please... go see a lawyer or a family counselor and take everything you hear in this thread with a grain of salt.

 

It is pure logic that as long as you two live together and he suffers no negative consequences for his actions, he will continue to use both you (for the stability and he won't have to pay child support) and the new woman for his sexual and emotional needs. How are you going to cope emotionally (never mind with indifference and confidence) when he leaves you and the baby alone at home while he meets up with his affair partner?

OP, please do not toss all your dignity and self-respect out the window and try to become some perfect version of yourself for someone who disrespected you, your marriage and your family life so terribly.

 

Please do not pretend that everything is fine. All that does is enable him to continue playing with both of you and it won't re-attract a guy who's apparently never been fully present in your marriage to begin with.

 

Do not continue living with him as "friends." This is absurd when you are married to the man. Go and see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Book an appointment with a great therapist so you can work on finding your self-esteem.

At exactly word 42 I thought to myself "He is cheating on her and is dumping her for the other woman" Kind of sad that is where my mind went so quickly but after being on this forum for so long you see a pattern in how a post start and you know right away.

 

I am sorry. I have been where you are and it sucks worse than anything. Right now you are in shock so slow down on any major decisions or choices.

 

He has been cheating on you emotionally and physically so don't believe any of the lies he is feeding you. He asked for a separation so he could usher this new woman in without it looking like he cheated. Cheaters lie and he is lying like a rug!

 

Tell him you are moving back into your place and he needs to live with his parents while you continue to care for your daughter. Then file for divorce. I know that sounds harsh and sudden but this wasn't some random woman, he has been seeing her for a long time and he has turned all his love and connection to her and away from you. The best thing you can do now is protect yourself for you and your child. That means a good divorce lawyer/solicitor that will make sure you get what is fair.

 

You need emotional support right now. Do you have anyone close by? Good friend? Relatives?

 

I am sorry and I know it is hard to accept but the marriage is over.

 

Lost

Look I know a lot of people would disagree with my advice, and there’s no guarantees t will work, but, the minute she files for the divorce it’s all over.

 

There’s nothing nice about divorce. It’s just lawyers and fighting and paperwork and accusations and bitterness. Lawyers getting rich st everyone else’s expenses, kids lose the most, adults end up bitter and angry.

 

Even if it still goes that way in the end, it doesn’t hurt to put the brakes on for a few months. She won’t sit back on five years and regret being nice to him for a few months, but she may well regret if she was too hasty to engage the lawyers.

From a purely practical position, this is a young woman with a small child.

 

Realistically, divorce doesn’t equal a new life with a new love and happily ever after. It equals poverty. She is much better to delay this as long as possible. I’m sorry to be blunt but I would rather have my child grow up in a comfortable home with a distracted father who “works all the time” than reliant on sporadic child support and in fulltime daycare, just to put food on the table.

 

By dragging this out as long as possible, she increases the odds of the other woman losing patience, getting angry and breaking off the affair herself. At which point the husband will start comparing and realise how much better off he actually is with his wife, OP, who has behaved so graciously throughout everything. OP can then lay down the rules herself, require him to do counselling etc, prove to her that he will do whatever it takes to win her trust back.

 

I’m not advocating behaving like a doormat. I’m advocating acting smart, doing what it takes to look after her child and regaining the power. Too many people act from emotion in these situations, and end up losing everything.

Thank you all for all your thoughts & advice. You are right in saying that I do still want him back, we were once so happy!! There are things we both need to change, I need to learn to love myself again & have some 'me-time' and he needs to start to do some things for himself & generally help me out, but they are things I just know that we can do! I just want my family back :(

Thank you all for all your thoughts & advice. You are right in saying that I do still want him back, we were once so happy!! There are things we both need to change, I need to learn to love myself again & have some 'me-time' and he needs to start to do some things for himself & generally help me out, but they are things I just know that we can do! I just want my family back :(

 

Then take things very, very slowly.

 

Don’t rush anything, you gotta remember this hasn’t come out of nowhere and this other woman is probably hassling him to get rid of you. The longer you’re both living together, and not getting divorced, the more likely she’ll snap and start showing her true colours.

 

You seem like a really lovely person and sure, after 15 years together you’re not so “new” or “exciting” anymore, but what you do have, is real love, real memories, real bonds. Perhaps he is panicking a bit after becoming a dad and the extra responsibility that entails, perhaps you’ve concentrated more on baby than on romance, but whatever has happened, he married you because he loved you. And that love is still there deep down...... in the meantime like you say, focus on looking after yourself and building your own self esteem. I really hope this all resolved itself soon

From a purely practical position, this is a young woman with a small child.

 

Realistically, divorce doesn’t equal a new life with a new love and happily ever after. It equals poverty. She is much better to delay this as long as possible. I’m sorry to be blunt but I would rather have my child grow up in a comfortable home with a distracted father who “works all the time” than reliant on sporadic child support and in fulltime daycare, just to put food on the table.

That is something that a mother in the 1940's and 50's would say because she had no other option.

 

By dragging this out as long as possible, she increases the odds of the other woman losing patience, getting angry and breaking off the affair herself.

Yes and what's she left with? I'd say a man that doesn't love her or respect her, a cheater, a man she'd never be able to trust again. Stuck in a codependent addiction to him... certainly not a union of mutual love and respect.

 

At which point the husband will start comparing and realise how much better off he actually is with his wife

Or he realises none of that. You are conjecturing and then finalizing your argument as if it were fact.,

 

OP, who has behaved so graciously throughout everything. OP can then lay down the rules herself, require him to do counselling etc, prove to her that he will do whatever it takes to win her trust back.

You assume he'd come a begging. He doesn't have to do any of what you are suggesting if she enables his debauchery by living with him as "a friend." She will be enabling him to have some cake and keep it too.

 

I’m not advocating behaving like a doormat. I’m advocating acting smart, doing what it takes to look after her child and regaining the power.

No you're not... you're advocating she put up with his affair until the reprobate that he's having an affair with kicks him to the curb.

Too many people act from emotion in these situations, and end up losing everything.

You assume she will lose "everything" and you counsel her in a codependent mind set that strips her of her dignity until HE'S finished screwing some other woman. He will never respect her if she allows that for herself.

 

 

OP: If you're going to do this "living as friends" that is up to you but it will tear you asunder emotionally as you watch him go off to bed someone else. I suggest If you are going to try and make things work with him YOU get yourself into person therapy to help you navigate the hell he's about to put you through.

I think you need to stop and take a long deep breath. The first knee jerk reaction is to want to work things out, hang on, keep the family together, dance the pick me dance.

But put that on pause for a moment and take a long hard look back on your relationship.

 

When did you have to start nagging at him to do things like a good husband would? Did you even nag him at all? Who was really instigating fights?

 

The trouble with cheaters, and you do have to call this what it is, is that they lie, blameshift and gasslight a lot. They'll pick fights and act in all kinds of little passive aggressive ways to irritate and provoke you in order to distance themselves from you and alleviate their guilt for cheating on you. They will also blame you, make you the bad guy, the bad wife who maybe complains too much, wants him to put the dishes away, etc. It's a proverbial mind fck.

 

Now ask yourself how long has that been going on and do you really want this lying cheating loser to be a part of your life?

 

Be brave and actually go talk to a lawyer and hire a PI and find out the truth about your husband and what he has really been up to and for how long. Even if you don't divorce him immediately, know your rights, know where you stand and what you can and cannot do. Be fully informed and then make some decisions. Don't operate in the dark and guessing. Don't assume. Remember that with knowledge comes power and you absolutely want power over a cheater regardless of how you choose to use it in the end.

Then take things very, very slowly.

 

Don’t rush anything, you gotta remember this hasn’t come out of nowhere and this other woman is probably hassling him to get rid of you. The longer you’re both living together, and not getting divorced, the more likely she’ll snap and start showing her true colours.

 

You seem like a really lovely person and sure, after 15 years together you’re not so “new” or “exciting” anymore, but what you do have, is real love, real memories, real bonds. Perhaps he is panicking a bit after becoming a dad and the extra responsibility that entails, perhaps you’ve concentrated more on baby than on romance, but whatever has happened, he married you because he loved you. And that love is still there deep down...... in the meantime like you say, focus on looking after yourself and building your own self esteem. I really hope this all resolved itself soon

 

This is not only sweet but smart advice. I get why she feels rushed -this is all about adrenaline and shock -it's rushed - but taking it slower, focusing on what matters (her child for one thing) and considering all angles and options ,etc. Sure talking to a lawyer or a financial person to figure out what your options are isn't the worst idea either.

 

Yes, me-time. A precious and rare commodity with an infant. I remember -it was about 8-9 years ago. A crazy time in that way. And me-time remains hard to come by even when they get older so I'm a fan of you figuring that out now -how you can get it, what it means to you,e tc.

 

Is there someone in your place of worship if you have one that you can talk to who you trust?

 

I wish you all the best. Again great advice by smittenkitten.

Batya: Would you continue to live with your husband as he went off to spend time with the woman he is having an affair with? I'm surprised if you would.

Hm, maybe he'll even move his affair in with them. After all, he and his WIFE are "living as 'friends'"!!!

 

And she should smile and play Stepford wife, taking care of the house and their child while making sure she doesn't so much as gain an ounce or have a hair out of place.

 

I mean...seriously???

 

HE should be the one making changes to stop cheating. THEN the two of them can start talking marriage repair.

Why are you not only blaming her for his affairs, but suggesting she shut up and put up? And that she is the one who is responsible for destroying the marriage because she's not "new and fresh" anymore and therefore should make reparations and compete for him until his mistress "snaps out of it"?

 

Having affairs ruins marriages and families, not rightfully seeking legal counsel. She should "focus on romance", while he's out prowling around? Condoning affairs perpetuates them and destroys families.

The longer you’re both living together, and not getting divorced, the more likely she’ll snap and start showing her true colours.

 

after 15 years together you’re not so “new” or “exciting” anymore. perhaps you’ve concentrated more on baby than on romance

Wow im really touched at you all taking the time to reach out to me. Thank you so much

 

So, last night i laid my cards on the table & said we would need to make big changes but that I really wanted to work on our marriage, he pretty much walked away from the conversation & then this morning left at 6am to go see 'her' - she lives a 2 hour drive away - so I let rip, told him he can't of cared for me at all or he wouldnt be doing this and said I cant accept it's over & move on untill he moves out, Ive told him to go stay with his Mum & Dad - I know i probably should have kept my cool but its tearing me up inside! I know what people mean when they say heartbreak is a physical pain! Its the worst feeling in the world, I sometimes find it hard to even catch my breath!

 

to the poster who mentioned about gaslighting & causing arguments, you are 100% right - that happened all the time!

 

Thanks again everyone :)

My first order of business would be a consultation with a matrimonial attorney to learn all of my options and best steps for each. I'd kick husband out of the house, and learn whether a legal separation would protect me from any further debt he incurs.

 

There's not a shot that I'd allow husband to remain in the home, his parents can take him in--or the new girlfriend. I'd take care of all practical and legal matters first, as there will be plenty of time to deal with the emotional stuff later.

Wow im really touched at you all taking the time to reach out to me. Thank you so much

 

So, last night i laid my cards on the table & said we would need to make big changes but that I really wanted to work on our marriage, he pretty much walked away from the conversation & then this morning left at 6am to go see 'her' - she lives a 2 hour drive away - so I let rip, told him he can't of cared for me at all or he wouldnt be doing this and said I cant accept it's over & move on untill he moves out, Ive told him to go stay with his Mum & Dad - I know i probably should have kept my cool but its tearing me up inside! I know what people mean when they say heartbreak is a physical pain! Its the worst feeling in the world, I sometimes find it hard to even catch my breath!

 

to the poster who mentioned about gaslighting & causing arguments, you are 100% right - that happened all the time!

 

Thanks again everyone :)

 

OK so now at this point I would be done and I would follow all of Catfeeder's advice just above.

Sorry to hear this and unfortunately you've gotten your answers. Yes, ask him to move out and consult an attorney asap to know where you stand, what your options are and what your next steps should be.

 

Also contact your family and friends and let everyone know what is going on. Do not cover for him. However do not talk to his friends or family. In fact while he's out, change all your passwords and social media to block him and all his people. Y

 

our child will be fine. You will get child support and you can set up custody and visitation with the courts. Excellent you stood your grounds and told him to leave. Sorry he started and is putting you through this war.

he pretty much walked away from the conversation & then this morning left at 6am to go see 'her'. Ive told him to go stay with his Mum & Dad.

Lol. Hoping you were very stoned when you wrote this. 😋

-If he makes noises about leaving himself, act all agreeable and nice but say that you want to do things amicably, sensibly, that you want to make it a smooth process for your daughters sake.

 

-Throughout this process, you are going to focus on becoming your best version of yourself. You will stop eating junk food. You will work out every day

 

-Most of all you will be nice to him. When you feel angry, you’ll go for a run.

 

- cry and tell him you love him so much and don’t want to lose him.

 

-Don’t tell anyone, and pretend like everything is just perfect in the world. If he says anything, you can always just say you don’t want to air dirty lsundry.

 

-I’d also suggest spending more time with his mum. Not obviously, but things you would already do - enabling her to spend more time with her granddaughter.

 

-While you are busy turning yourself into a hybrid between Mother Theresa and a supermodel

Batya: Would you continue to live with your husband as he went off to spend time with the woman he is having an affair with? I'm surprised if you would.

 

Absolutely not. I did not read the post clearly enough - I did not think it was at that point. If he confessed an affair in the past -and it was completely over - I still likely would be done but there are exceptions where I would not totally be done. Having a brand new baby might be one reason at least to give pause, at least not to pull the plug right at that moment. I am fortunate that we've never, ever, had to face anything like that in the many years we've been together and also never when we were dating or engaged. So I answer in a completely hypothetical way.

 

OP -I should have read all the details in the first post more carefully. I thought you two separated because he was unhappy and I didn't realize he was still seeing the other woman - obviously as I wrote above the past affair would likely be a dealbreaker but with exceptions depending. I also was confused as to why you were living with his parents which suggested to me that he wasn't still with this woman. I'm glad they gave you and your baby a place to stay.

 

As I wrote in my last post I would be done now. Completely. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Wow im really touched at you all taking the time to reach out to me. Thank you so much

 

So, last night i laid my cards on the table & said we would need to make big changes but that I really wanted to work on our marriage, he pretty much walked away from the conversation & then this morning left at 6am to go see 'her' - she lives a 2 hour drive away - so I let rip, told him he can't of cared for me at all or he wouldnt be doing this and said I cant accept it's over & move on untill he moves out, Ive told him to go stay with his Mum & Dad - I know i probably should have kept my cool but its tearing me up inside! I know what people mean when they say heartbreak is a physical pain! Its the worst feeling in the world, I sometimes find it hard to even catch my breath!

 

to the poster who mentioned about gaslighting & causing arguments, you are 100% right - that happened all the time!

 

Thanks again everyone :)

 

No, you shouldn't have kept your cool. That would only reward him. You do need to kick him out. You need to go speak with a pitbull of a lawyer today and retain them. You need to move quickly and aggressively on protecting yourself and your child. As another poster said, you'll deal with emotions later. Right now, you've got to take care of yourself and your child and ensure that he doesn't screw you both over more than he already has.

 

As for let it rip, honestly, you have every right and should. He needs to hear it. He needs to see what he has done. He doesn't deserve to be spared from that.

 

Btw, you might want to check out chumplady.com for additional help and support as you deal with this. It's specifically a site for those who have either gone through or are going through the process of leaving their cheating spouse. You might find that it helps you a lot. Knowing that you aren't alone and also dealing with your emotions and pain.

Naomi,

 

You did the right thing and you have nothing to regret from getting upset over this and even blowing up at him. He has been cheating on you physically and emotionally and has shown that he simply does not care about your feelings and now you have 100% proof of that when he walked away from you to go climb in her bed! I have been there and when it happens acceptance comes very quickly.

 

Please remember that it wasn't your fault he cheated. It wasn't nagging or to high of expectations that forced him to seek out some side chick, it was his selfishness and dishonesty nothing more, nothing less. Your husband is an unrepentant cheater. He isn't even trying to hide it now.

 

Also remember that he is in the throws of a fantasy. Since it started it has been all fun and excitement sneaking around living a double life. Now it becomes real where he doesn't have you at home waiting for him. He has chosen her over the family so throw him out, seek out a divorce lawyer and start the process. In the mean time gather all the financial documents you can find and make copies. Pay stubs, lease or mortgage info, your basic cost of living, child care, vehicle costs, monthly expenses, health care and on and on. You will need them going forward. He will be compelled to pay child support and start a college fund, get a life insurance policy with you as the beneficiary to cover child support in case he dies before it is all paid.

 

Divorce sucks but it boils down to a business agreement once all the emotions are stripped away.

 

Do you have any friends that have gotten divorced? Someone you can trust? They can be a great resource to help guide you and show you what to expect.

 

To many of us here his actions led us to KNOW what was going to happen and that is why we gave the advice we did. We all wish it didn't end up to be true...

 

You still have your family, he just isn't part of it any longer.

 

Be good to yourself, take good care of yourself and focus on your child right now.

 

Lost