Is there a possibility?

I’ve heard “it takes two to tango,” or “she/he’s not perfect either.” Even my mom told me everyone has problems.

Is there a possibility that those are simply words of comfort? Of course they’re also valid statements.

Do you have to stop self reflecting, learning, and be ok with thinking that they also contributed to the break up?

Just seems easy to accept. Very comforting. What if it’s just that - easy?

Should you feel like she should have worked harder to communicate? Or should you convince yourself that you never opened the floor for her to do so?

Well, you're writing very cryptically, but I think two people can be perfect, but still not be perfect for each other. So if people have flaws, if the flaws aren't compatible, a relationship is doomed from the beginning. Overthinking it is like crying about spilt milk, you're not going to get the milk back in the carton no matter how hard you think about it.

ahd, I started to read a new book today. Richard Flanagan's "The narrow road to the deep north".

It's a book about prisoners of war being brutally treated and murdered by the Japanese in 1943, but there is this little nugget at the beginning of chapter 2.

"A happy man has no past, while an unhappy man has nothing else."

You need to work on yourself and think forward.

Yes, when people hear you're upset about a breakup these are the usual words of consolation. However it's true that simply being incompatible was a factor.

my mom told me everyone has problems. Very comforting.

Maybe that’s why I’m wondering.

It did feel like we were perfect for each other. Or at least it felt like that more so than who I’ve dated before. Laughed at the same jokes, shared the same view points had the same values. Always happy to see each other. Sex was great. Cant think of an awkward moment.

This one feels different somehow. I’ve been very open on this forum from day one but from day one, I was the quiet guy in public. Only spoke when spoken too or when I had saw an opportunity to make someone laugh. When I joined here I’d overthink details like who said what/when during a break up, reading about “techniques” to get your ex back etc.

Recently, on here, and with family and friends, I’ve been exposing everything. It feels good. Better than the hours of YouTube videos I’ve watched in my younger days.

That’s why I’m wondering maybe there are people that are perfect for each other but not at the same time? And it doesn’t mean that the target is the same same person.

Maybe “you weren’t perfect for anyone” applies sometimes.

I think your issue is your laser focus on yourself. It's apparent by the number of threads you start despite having started a journal. I think you have started one almost every day for the past few weeks.

In order to have healthy, long lasting relationships we have to realize it's not all about ourselves. There's another person involved, someone we have to give our attention and caring to.

I think you are so deep into yourself there's no room for anyone else. And yes, this is something you can work on. Volunteer work would be great for this, to realize there's a whole world out there that doesn't revolve around ourselves.

There is no "perfect for each other" in general and if someone breaks up in particular. The best you can do is get along well and try to fit into each other's lives.

That part especially, was missing for her. You made little to no time for her and pushed her away with excuses focusing on material things and whatever image you were trying to portray with that.

I’m wondering maybe there are people that are perfect for each other but not at the same time?

Not either/or, not black and white. Keyword is Balance. Actually black and white thinking occurs in some mental illness it is not the way to go through life, although you need not be totally zen either. Tolerance for complexity and ambiguity are traits that allow you to navigate through life.

That part especially, was missing for her. You made little to no time for her and pushed her away with excuses focusing on material things and whatever image you were trying to portray with that.

I would take what you wrote and replace “material things,” and “image,” with “insecurities,” ore even better -“fear.” It’s seems like I may come off as a conceited person who only cares about image. I feel like if that was the case I wouldn’t have been MISERABLE at work.

I’ve been seeing things a lot clearly now. One part is that whatever reason caused her to leave, that was not who I really am. I’m happy moving forward and seeing the future.

That being said, I’m not sure how you got to the second paragraph from my question. I assume you presumed I wanted to hear what I already know, and who knows maybe both of us are wrong, but it doesn’t help hearing it over and over. Just reiterating the fact that she left and why (in her mind) she did, doesn’t help me, especially at this point in time, so soon after the break up.

Not either/or, not black and white. Keyword is Balance. Actually black and white thinking occurs in some mental illness it is not the way to go through life, although you need not be totally zen either. Tolerance for complexity and ambiguity are traits that allow you to navigate through life.

I was at a low point thinking about her last night. Guess I have the break up blues and battling to overcome my insecurities at the same time. I agree with you and it’s funny you say balance because that’s the 8th time I’ve heard that word this week. One of the times being from her. Thank you! It’s coming together.

Not either/or, not black and white. Keyword is Balance. Actually black and white thinking occurs in some mental illness it is not the way to go through life, although you need not be totally zen either. Tolerance for complexity and ambiguity are traits that allow you to navigate through life.

I agree with you and it’s funny you say balance because that’s the 8th time I’ve heard that word this week. One of the times being from her. Thank you! It’s coming together.

Sure, why limit yourself to only two options? Duality is bummer, because it prompts you to answer any problem with an opposite extreme. That's a roller coaster ride, and it's rarely accurate.

When two pieces of a puzzle don't fit together, neither 'must' be 'wrong'. When we can allow wrong matches to pass without trying to cast a villain or a victim, we're just accepting natural odds and moving forward to work our own puzzle.

Most people are NOT our match, and that not cynical. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

Head high.

Sure, why limit yourself to only two options? Duality is bummer, because it prompts you to answer any problem with an opposite extreme. That's a roller coaster ride, and it's rarely accurate.

 

When two pieces of a puzzle don't fit together, neither 'must' be 'wrong'. When we can allow wrong matches to pass without trying to cast a villain or a victim, we're just accepting natural odds and moving forward to work our own puzzle.

 

Most people are NOT our match, and that not cynical. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high.

I understand. “They do or they don’t,” is not the right mind state. It’s like saying will I see a dinosaur tomorrow. Most people will say no, but as a joke I’d always say “50/50. You either will or won’t.”

I can let my past go. Especially now more so than ever. Now that I realize that I wasn’t working out, not them.

The issue here, for me, is that I remember every relationship I’ve had. Be it a friendship or a romantic one. There are some I would want to go back to and there are some that I wouldn’t no matter how many threads I’ve started during my heartbreak. But at the same time, wouldn’t I?

I’m starting to see what it is I want. The girls that couldn’t have kids, I wouldn’t want to no matter how much they’ve changed because I want kids. The girls that would have potentially changed my life, if I understood what I understand now, aren’t so far out of reach. But then the thought of “who broke up with who, are they single, and would they take me back’” comes in.

This recent break up, I’m not counting days of NC. I’m not looking for a “reason to get in touch.” I can sit for 6 months and text her about the sweatshirt she left in my closet. It’s a bulls**t tactic to convince myself of that “50/50.”

But wait, there’s more!

If she does reach out to me, do I consider it as a search to fill a void? Do I consider the idea that she had her own issues she just faced and she’s ready to be open like I’d like to be with her? (That’s a self esteem booster for myself there)

Should I blow her off simply because I’m mad at her for not sticking around and being “there” through my struggles?

Should I just say f it and pretend she didn’t exist? If so then how? How do you take advantage of a person, that was after pure love, and walk away and forget about her knowing you got a life changing lesson.

I know it sounds like I’m expecting her to pop up X amount of time from now. I think she will in one capacity or another (physically or in my memory). How do you keep that balance? I can balance my budget, and I can balance my time, but I’m trying to figure out how I can balance that feeling without letting it make or break me (shutting off again).

Head high.

Thank you. That really means a lot.

I know I’m a good person. A good partner. I’ll never be perfect. I’m just afraid.