Why does he lie

Hi all.

Please can I have some advice (especially from men) trust for me is huge..my bf knows this and it’s all I ask for.

He dumped me after a year..a horrible year of him being selfish and secretive. He perused me back for 6 months and I agreed..he said he had changed and for the past 2 years I’ve no doubt he has. Until last night he told me he was going out with 2 guys I’ve never heard of..he convinces him self of this lie and I know he’s lying. Eventually comes out he is cuz he’s going out with the crowd he used to hang out with the first time we were together.

Why lie so badly instead of facing the consequences of the truth.

I feel like a fool. Could he be lying about things??

Hi, 19 years old guy from Norway here.

The first thing that came to my mind after reading this, was why you two still are a couple. You describe your first year together as horrible, due to his selfishness and his secretive sides. This seems like a man that doesn't treat you as he should, when you have told him that trust means a lot to you.

Secondly, why are you so sure about he is lying?

A friendly tip from me is to consider your future together. Are you two meant to be, if you feel like a fool in the relationship? It is up to you to decide, naturally, but based on what you write, I think you are wasting time being with him.

Thank you for your reply. He promised he had changed and he really really had! I wasn’t so much of a secret any more, we both had therapy and made a fresh start! 2 years later we’ve moved in together and I just celebrated the most perfect birthday with him.

I questioned him more about this night out and these guys I hadn’t heard of. I just knew in my gut it was a lie so asked to see the messages. He said no I should trust him..I persisted with it and he tried to say I should trust him. I lost it and then he said there was no message cuz this guy I don’t like messaged him instead. He didn’t want to tell me cuz he knows I don’t like him.

I’m worried he lied..made a fool out of me easily! If I hadn’t perused this he would of gone out and I would of been at home thinking he’s with someone else.

Does this mean he lies about other things?? Why lie?? I feel horrible!

Why can't he hang out with this friend?

He didn’t want to tell me cuz he knows I don’t like him. I hadn’t perused this he would of gone out and I would of been at home thinking he’s with someone else.

When we were together the first year he would hang out with this guy and ignore me, switch his phone off and just be with him partying all night and ignoring me. When we got back together I told how bad this was for me and he assured me those days were over. Clearly not as he’s lying to me about seeing him. I just don’t know why he’s risked our relationship and lied

Has he been partying all night, or ignoring you lately? It sounds your bf made some improvements.

Unfortunately you can't tell anyone who their friends should be or who they can or can't hang out with. It's controlling, not "trust issues"

His prior behavior "switch his phone off and just be with him partying all night and ignoring me" was due to his own behavior. A friend can't force him to ignore you and party all night.

When we were together the first year he would hang out with this guy and ignore me.

Crimsontown, what's bothering you exactly, the fact he hung out with this guy you clearly don't like? Or that he lied about it?

To me it seems clear why he lied, because he knew it would piss you off, hurt you, you would give him **** about it, so he avoided all that by lying.

I am not saying it was right but perhaps if you were more accepting of him hanging out with his friends, even those you don't like, he wouldn't feel the need to lie about it.

Just a thought. Have you asked him why he lied?

Thanks guys for your help.

I’m sad he lied. He’s been brilliant since we got back together until this and last month he lied again who he was with.

I’m so worried he’s going to go back to how he was.

If he’s lied about something he knows will upset me does that mean he lies about other things?

Last night he was so guarded of his phone and saying I should trust him when he was actually lying!!!

I’ve told him several times, please don’t ever lie. If he does something I don’t like then that’s my problem! I can and will get over it. Once there’s a lie..I can’t. Why would u lie? Now I question everything!?

I’ve told him several times, please don’t ever lie. If he does something I don’t like then that’s my problem! I can and will get over it. Once there’s a lie..I can’t. Why would u lie? Now I question everything!?

I totally get you, I am the same, lying is pretty much a deal-breaker for me.

And I've said same as you, please don't ever lie, I need 100% honesty all the way, even if it's something I don't relish hearing. Whatever it is, I'll try my best to understand, and accept it, but DON'T lie.

JMO but the reason he lies is because he has a weak character and lacks integrity. You cannot teach someone to have integrity or a strong character, either they possess these things or they don't.

Obviously he assumed you'd never find out, so he chose the path of least resistance - lying.

But you DID find out and now you've lost trust, which is sad as it appeared things were going well, till this.

What are you going to do?

Katrina you’ve hit the nail on the head.

I’m just now questioning everything..cuz we really got back on track better then ever and occasionally we talk about the past and how we’ve grown and I always say just don’t lie, I am shocked at this.

I’m nervous and feel he’s made a fool of me.

I just don’t like how he twists things an djist can’t own he did wrong. Instead it’s now I haven’t seen my friends cuz of you! ..u hurt me!! That’s the problem.

I just wondered if this is the start of the end or just a lie to avoid an argument?

For all the work you both did, it sounds like this friend has remained something of an unresolved issue.

He still wants to hang with the friend, you don't want him to, he knows this. And so he opted to lie about it rather than discuss it.

As katrina said, lying is simply the mark of weak character. I don't know how old you guys are, but I know that when I was in my 20s I did a fair amount of petty lying (with one gf in particular) in order to avoid ruffling feathers, arguments, confrontation, etc. It was from seeing the fallout from that (the lack of trust in that relationship) that led me to man up and be straight so I could look at myself in the mirror.

Getting back with an ex is so hard, because without meaning to we can slip into old dynamics when something from the past comes up. Whether that's happening here or not, only you can say.

What are you thinking is your next step?

Why lie so badly instead of facing the consequences of the truth.

Thank you so much for your advice. He’s 39 and I’m 32.

When we got back together I asked him to just always tell the truth no matter how much it hurt me and I would always try to accept and grow within the situation and move forward never bringing up the past.

He’s been out with this guy before and he knows I don’t like it but my relationship means more so I wait it over.

Him lying this much to me isn’t really about the guy I guess it’s more about the pact we had getting back together 2 years ago that I’ve stuck to. It hasn’t been easy but we’ve done so well I’m sad he did this. Like Katrina said he chose to lie but got caught. The fact he lied soooo much, for about an hour I was asking him to show me a message on his phone (which I’ve never ever done) and he was making up so many excuses it was obvious he was lying and that hurt. He was lieing to himself so much he was convincing himself. He was knowling putting me through more hurt through the lie then actually going out. I just don’t understand!?!

He was hiding the passcode on his phone wouldn’t show me messages. Clear he has more to hide?? I feel like such a fool!!!!

This doesn't sound great.

Remove him from the equation for a moment, and look at where you are right now: 32-years-old, asking to look through a partner's phone, panicking about the passcode, wondering what else is up, feeling like a fool. That's a lot of noise, and for what? At the moment it may simply be telling you that this relationship has run its course, hard as that may be to accept given the investment.

People lie for selfish reasons—not simply because they don't want to hurt someone, but because they don't want to inhabit their actual truth. So they believe their own lies. Those are the kinds of lies that are the most toxic, because they're the ones a liar is telling as a coping mechanism; those being lied to, meanwhile, are casualties.

Whether there is "more to hide" is irrelevant, and the more you go down that mental path the nuttier you'll feel. What's relevant is that there is still a big wall between you too, one that gets really tall the moment things get a bit complicated. That doesn't bode well for sustainability.

I’m so confused :( this just out the blue.

He’s sad saying he wished he just told me and there’s nothing more to it.

Urgh!!

Thanks guys for your help.

I’m sad he lied. He’s been brilliant since we got back together until this and last month he lied again who he was with.

I’m so worried he’s going to go back to how he was.

If he’s lied about something he knows will upset me does that mean he lies about other things?

Last night he was so guarded of his phone and saying I should trust him when he was actually lying!!!

Hi Crimsontown2, as a guy my view is he likely sees hanging out with this guy as no big deal and wanted to do it without a fight. I highly value my privacy and would say no to someone looking at my phone on general principle.

Yet this is not out of the blue. He treated you like crap and promised to reform himself. Showing you his phone is part of that; especially after he broke a promise not to hang out with this guy again. Yes, a relationship doesn't give one a right to dictate peoples friends, but here it does not appear arbitrary and he agreed to it as a condition of his reform.

There are some "friends" that only lead people into trouble. The party all night guy, turn off your phone what business is it of hers guy, know him too well.

People relapse all the time, they never intend to, they just fall back into things. If one is truly committed to change, you do not put yourself back into situations that tempt you to relapse, you avoid them.