Pain to the point I feel I can't function - I had it all (still together)

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend about 2 years, living together for about 1.5 years (with a recent addition of a cat!). Recently he has told me for a long time he has felt like there is a hole in his life, and he is struggling to emotionally connect (with family and myself). A part of him wants to detach from everyone and be alone.

The problem is this does not sound like him at all. When I first met him he was seeing a psychologist for general coping of stress (he also was referred for depersonalization - feeling disconnected). The spark we had at the start was amazing, he was affectionate, intimate, cared deeply for me and communicated on a deep level with me. He supported me.

He had been through some traumatic relationships before me, his first girlfriend completely ruined his trust by being super manipulative and sociopathic. He also grew up with a very controlling mother who we think may have a personality disorder. She had enormous expectations of him - he used to swim at almost a national level and she wanted him to get to the Olympics but he then suffered a major health setback and was told he wouldn't be able to compete at that level anymore. This lead him to feel depressed as he is very competitive and he couldn't get that side of himself fulfilled. So he ended up investing a lot of his time into video games (he often reaches the top scores against others). Now, understandably, he's looking into some other sports that will hopefully not trigger his health condition (involves fainting/throwing up). Initially I also was very emotional with him, but he was very understanding and would help me to the point where I am today feeling very much more rational.

The issue of him disconnecting came around November last year. We were living with his parents as I had to move from New Zealand to Australia because I wanted to start a life with him (after he was living in NZ with me). Due to his mothers' condition - she was very rude and unfair to me. It was a huge struggle for me to deal with her. Around this time he also found full time employment after a long time of unemployment. We also moved out, which at the time he didn't really want to because he wanted to pay off his car. Basically I see this point as the turning point that he started making excuses about not getting too close to me (needing time to adjust to his new circumstances), and it seems to coincide with a lot of stress and changes for him (new job, place, bills, responsibilities outside his parents house).

I don't think this is your typical 'I want a break from you' kind of relationship issue as he's said even if I didn't exist he would still feel like this. He wants to detach from his family too. He's also not saying he doesn't want to try - that's why we're still together - he's trying to make this work despite a part of him feeling like something is wrong in his life and he wants to be alone. He doesn't want to be with anyone else, just alone..

Is it because he had high hopes and dreams that as an adult you sort of come to terms with not being able to fulfill all of those things? He left uni after about 3 years due to the enormous stress his mother was putting on him (about a year before I met him). She loaded him with responsibility (cooking every night, helping her with everything she asked no matter how it impacted his day - or she would scream and mentally abuse him).

He's not sure what he wants to do with his life anymore which is hugely stressful to him as he has been a motivated, driven person. Through his support I was able to go back to school and motivated myself a great deal and changed my life. That's why he means so much to me, he's loved and supported me like no one else has. Now it's all changing because of this feeling he has and it's hurting me because he can't say 'I love you' anymore or kiss me (lips). He's trying, I appreciate that - he still cuddles me when I approach, gives me a kiss on the head before work. He doesn't want to hurt me and he knows how much this is stressing me out despite knowing I don't want to make this about me. This is his struggle, I'm here to support him and he appreciates that.

But God it hurts and I feel so much anxiety over the future. I don't know how to persevere. I had everything, the perfect guy. And whatever this is (depression, anxiety, depersonalization, ptsd?) is taking him away from what we had. I feel unable to cope, crying a lot. It's really hard for me to go to work and sit there trying not to cry because of the anxiety this is causing me. I want to wake up from this bad dream, because it feels unreal that I could have had it so good and now it feels like it's falling apart. I'm fortunate also, he's said if it did go that way (us separating) - he would make sure I was safe and secured somewhere, financially okay - he would still support me emotionally. But I just want his love again.

Since he told me last week I've been trying to act normal, not to indulge or enable his feelings. I joined in with him on his favorite game with his friends which he had a great time with. I haven't requested him to do anything (chores or intimacy). He was genuinely laughing with me and seemed to be back to his usual self (he does make jokes to ignore his pain though). But when we talked about it last night he said while yes he was genuine, he still feels that hole inside of him. I guess I will have to continue to support him, though I have told him I want him to start seeing his psych again (he wanted to anyway), because of how this is affecting both of us. I think I could benefit going to see a psych too, but I wanted to see if I could get any info here first on what might be going on with him. It sucks because similar to the last relationship I was in, it's usually a bit of a bumpy start trying to figure each other out - but then as soon as I level out they then start to show their inner unhappiness with themselves.

I'm open to moving to a different part of the house if he starts to feel too uncomfortable around me. I am scared though that his psych will just indulge his 'finding yourself' feelings and tell him to ditch me and everyone around him and go and live 'like a monk' (his own words lol). We had it so good, I just can't understand why me. Life is so cruel and I'm desperate for answers about what might be going on with him (mental illness, lifestyle changing?).

I need more friends, I'm in a foreign country without my family and I've done everything the last 2 years to get here to be with him. I just want him to get better so badly. He says he's scared of what he might come out like on the other side of this if he does 'find himself' and it means he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone again. He thinks he's not relationship material. For God's sake he's been the most supportive and kind boyfriend I've ever had. He made me feel amazing and connected to him. I know I've put too much of my worth into him which is why it's killing me now this is happening. It seems like a mix of depression (wants to be alone, unable to feel whole) and depersonalization (detachment).

If anyone has experience with anything like this or any advice for how I can support him and look after myself (I have been considering a membership to the local swim/gym place) - Please, I will greatly appreciate any support. I am in so much pain and scared.

Your boyfriend needs to be on meds and seeing a doctor. You cannot treat him. As soon as his depression clears up, your problems will probably clear up too. He should have been on treatment on all of this time. He's being selfish if he doesn't deal with it. And you should not have to support him.

You can Google "how to deal with someone with depression" and learn what you can do while the drugs and therapy are taking effect. You had the right idea about taking him out for game night. He needs to get out of the house and doing things, including walking around and exercising. Maybe you can take him to the gym with you. You do not want to be taking care of him for the rest of your life. He's got to want to be in a relationship and make you happy or you've got to send him back to his mother and find your own way.

While you're at it, Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" to see what you can do to be happier and keep yourself sane. I think in this case the emotional abuse he's inflicting on you is because of his psychological illnesses, but the end result is the same. You're experiencing all of the symptoms. And if things get too rough, there is no shame in saving yourself and getting out. You can't help him if you're depressed yourself.

A good psychologist will never tell him to be anti-social and go "live like a monk," so if a doctor tells him this, find another doctor. And see if you can get him on National Health (Medicare), welfare or unemployment so you don't have to support him. You're jeopardizing your own future.

If he's so good at games, then he should sign up on Twitch or YouTube and see if he can attract viewers to his video stream. He might be able to make a bit of money while sitting at home. If you're feeling low, you can call hotlines like Lifeline Australia just to talk to someone about things.

But drag him down to see someone about his illnesses before he pulls you down with him.

Thanks for the response DanZee.

I actually went to the doctor today (fortunately I work in that clinic!) and got some anti anxiety/depression medication, he said my blood pressure was higher than it should be and sent me for an ECG which found my pulse was up. My partner does want to get help, he's just procrastinating as he has a few bills coming up (car service, dentist). I hope the medication I start taking will help me settle down and focus on myself more.

He's actually still working full time (a source of his stress as he was being bullied/singled out at work despite him working harder than most people there). He also has another job he does on weekends (lifeguarding). He's just so overloaded I think.

The twitch suggestion is interesting - as something to do on the side. He also wants to pick up a sport too but was waiting for his finances to build up.

I hope you're right about the psychologist. He's very good with words and she seems to sort of just support/help him come to terms with whatever decision he ends up making. He told her how competitive he was (as a core personality trait) and she suggested perhaps we weren't compatible because I wasn't as competitive as he is. I was pretty surprised at that considering I think we complement each other in different ways.

I feel like I want to focus on myself, but to support him. I don't want him to end up alone and miserable - but I don't want to be in a 1-sided relationship either. It still makes me feel ill to think of him with anyone else in the future (like why couldn't I make him happy?). That's a big reason I feel like I can't let go, even when he says he doesn't think he'll end up in a relationship at all if it goes that way.

For now we are both trying to keep this improving. Here's to hoping..

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? It sounds like he would rather be a mamas boy playing video games all day and allowing himself to stay in an infantile state. He seems to operate at the level of a 13 or 14 y/o boy. Your playing mother, therapist and babysitter certainly is making this much worse...for both of you.

he also found full time employment after a long time of unemployment.

it seems to coincide with a lot of stress and changes for him (new job, place, bills, responsibilities outside his parents house).

I'm here to support him and he appreciates that.

I haven't requested him to do anything (chores or intimacy).

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? It sounds like he would rather be a mamas boy playing video games all day and allowing himself to stay in an infantile state. He seems to operate at the level of a 13 or 14 y/o boy. Your playing mother, therapist and babysitter certainly is making this much worse...for both of you.

Yeah I understand and had felt like he was too attached to his family in a co-dependent and unhealthy way. He would argue he was close with them.. but he has let them take advantage of him to keep the peace (with his unstable mother).

He's turning 25 next month, myself 26.

I suppose it doesn't help his argument that I booked in the doctor's appointment for him today, and said I will pay for it just so he goes.. We went out tonight to do some errands and the whole time he was somber. I feel annoyed at myself because I'm trying to 'make him happy' and I sense he knows this (and maybe enjoys that?) so he's keeping this mood up to keep me like this. Maybe I'm getting paranoid, I think I've been so hurt by all of this I can't think rationally. It's actually like grief - the disbelief, sadness, panic, desperation. I'm really looking forward to the medicine kicking in, in a few weeks. It's our birthdays' next month and I'm really hoping things will have improved by then for both of us.

I feel exhausted, I think I'm starting to work through the pain and beginning to consider life without him if it comes to that. I will give him a good chance first - seeing his psych. I know he's capable of being kind and caring. I'm pissed off that he's turned into this, I wish he got help sooner. There are two people in this relationship, I wish it felt like that.

This guy is unreal. He's working full-time so now he can't kiss you on the lips anymore?

He's depressed and now you're the one on medication in order to cope with it?

I think you need to take a step back and see this from the outside in. Do you have the resources to move out on your own? If he wants space, let there be space.