Partner booked a holiday where he's been with his ex

My partner and I have been together for two years and have four children between us but none together, We are about to go on our second abroad family holiday and when we were booking it he asked if I had any preferences and I just said warm and then reiterated my feelings that I would like it to be somewhere where neither of us have been before. He was with his ex for a long time and they went to a lot of places together and I'm not at the stage where I feel comfortable visiting places he's enjoyed with his ex. Maybe in ten years time, just not yet. I've explained this many times and I thought he totally understood, but over the last few months since we booked it (we are going next week) his knowledge of the area seemed a bit too great and when pressed it's gone from 'well I know the area' to 'I've been somewhere close' to 'I've been there but not to the actual place we're staying'. Last night we had a big argument about it and I know he is really hurt and frustrated that he's paid for it all and planned it and must be thinking that I'm coming across as spoiled and ungrateful. And I feel like that too. I just can't get passed the fact that he dismissed my feelings like that. He has told me many times that he really enjoyed a family holiday he had to this country years ago and it is the same country we're going to but it is huge and there are countless destinations we could have chosen to visit. Turns out he has chosen the same region because he enjoyed it so much last time and wants to recreate the same kind of holiday for all of us. I know his intentions are good and that is all he's trying to do but I just can't get passed the fact that he misled me. It also takes all the fun out of finding and exploring places together. There is a big market in the city we are staying on the outskirts of that I found on the internet and was really excited about visiting, turns out he's already been around it with his ex. Does this matter? Am I being selfish and irrational and if so how do I a. apologize, and b. get passed my silly insecurity and get back to being excited about our holiday. Last night he was telling me not to come at all if that's how I felt but I don't want that to happen and also the kids would be massively disappointed.

Since you asked, yes, I would say you're being selfish and irrational.

What exactly is your concern about going somewhere he's been before with his ex? Are you worried he's going to be nostalgic for her and their time there, compare your experience as a couple to theirs? That it's going to make him miss her? It's important you explore precisely why this makes you so insecure and why view his ex and their past as a threat like this. When you can't even explore a market because you know he went there with her, you're blowing things way out of proportion, girl. I live in one of the most touristed cities in the world, and I had previously visited this city with my ex. If my current (local) partner were applying the same logic as you, he and I wouldn't even be able to walk around my own neighbourhood here because I had previously visited this exact street with my ex. We wouldn't be able to stroll around some of the world's most famous monuments (also not far from my house) because my ex and I visited them together. Do you see how silly that sounds?

Personally, I don't see the big deal. He knows it's a great place and that everyone will have a good time. It makes sense he'd want to spend his money on something he is sure will yield great results.

I will say, though, that he should not have hidden this from you. He should have just been honest and told you he wanted to book this place. I get your frustration about that, and really did he think he'd able to hide his familiarity with the place the entire vacation? Sure, he was trying to avoid the fight he knew could happen, so I agree his approach made things worse.

My guess is that his ex is a generally a big sore point for you and this is not the first time you have been jealous of her. Is that a safe assumption?

"...and then reiterated my feelings that I would like it to be somewhere where neither of us have been before."

- It's a little unreasonable, but you did tell him and he still brushed you aside.

He also told you not to come at all?

You may be wasting your time with him.

I think it’s a good sign that he wants to go there with you? It means that he does not hold those memories as sacred - he just liked the place - and he is happy to make new memories there with you.

I would be more alarmed if he DIDN’T want to go somewhere with you because he had been there with his ex. That would be a sign that he was not ready to move on.

I think you are overreacting and I think that you are being unfair. Booking a holiday can be tough! Figuring out where to go, what fits in the budget, whether there will be activities you like to do, etc. It’s not uncommon for people to revert back to what they know. I think that if you had criteria of what you felt would be acceptable, you should have taken a more active role in the planning.

I do agree he should have been more upfront with you, though.

All that said, he booked a lovely holiday. I do agree with him that if you are going to be grumpy or passive aggressive about it the whole time, you are best to stay home. But... is this fight really the hill to die on? I would stop and consider just how dealbreaking this is to you and exactly why it bothers you... because if you think it through, I agree it’s about insecurity. You can’t have a healthy relationship surrounded by fear.

I agree with the always wise MissCanuck that you're being a bit irrational. That said, something about this whole dynamic feels fraught, and it's worth taking a minute to explore what's going on under the hood to see where the engine might be misfiring.

Do you have a general dating policy with men where you don't don't want to go anywhere they once went with a former love? A city, a country, a restaurant? Do you find yourself jealous right off the bat over who came before you, wondering where you stack up? Do you talk openly about previous romances, or kind of half-pretend that didn't exist? If anything along those lines is familiar, it's time to recognize those as your own insecurities that need to be sorted out so they're not playing out just underneath the surface.

I can only speak for myself, but I'd find it awfully limiting if one of the tacit rules of a relationship is half-pretending I'd never been in one before. It just feels false, limited, like cleaning a room by stuffing everything in a closet and hoping the door stays shut long enough to enjoy a party.

If anything, I'd probably be calmed by the idea that a partner wanted to take me somewhere she'd been in the past—be it with friends, family, or a former love. That's part of her, something she's enjoyed, and she now wants to share it with me (just as I get to benefit from, you know, something she's learned in bed with another man). And, who knows, maybe sharing it with me is even a way of reclaiming it for herself, removing it from the confines of the past relationship, which is an awesome thing to get to share.

That said, you have every right to be frustrated that (a) he ignored your request to go somewhere neither of you had been before and (b) that he hid from you that he'd been here before with an ex. But rather than get in some kind of cat fight about the whole thing where everyone's overreacting, I'd try to use this as an opportunity, perhaps long overdue, to have a real talk about what's going on here. Like, maybe he's just a complete bozo who doesn't see and hear you in a way that satisfies. Or maybe he is frustrated at this dynamic, at feeling on trial about his past, and this was his misguided attempt to shift things a bit, show you that your anxieties aren't founded. Or maybe your anxieties are connected to a feeling that he's still harboring some unresolved feelings for his ex—which, hey, is often the case with us adults with big pasts.

Whatever the case, have a talk. Take a deep breath. Apologize for your initial reaction, but let him know that your feelings were hurt. Try to figure out what's really bothering you here, and express it calmly. If navigated with some grace, this honestly sounds like a moment that can bring you both closer.

Why aren't you planning any trips? Why is it up to him? Will both of your children enjoy it there? His ex doesn't live in or own these places, so what's the big deal if you and your kids would like the place? Listen, he's not a travel agent so he only knows what he knows.

Also spending a wad of money on an unfamiliar place that may turn out to be awful makes no sense if he is familiar with a family type place that is within your guidelines of "warm".

Next time why don't you go to a travel agent or do all the work yourself researching places? Alternatively date someone who has no past and has never traveled. Or don't go on the trip with him and let him enjoy it with his kids while you sit home and stew that he has a past and cheat your innocent kids out of a good time because you can't handle it.

He knows you have irrational hangups and he didn't want you getting upset perhaps that's why he was reticent to disclose that his family was there before.

We are about to go on our second abroad family holiday. I'm not at the stage where I feel comfortable visiting places he's enjoyed with his ex. Turns out he has chosen the same region because he enjoyed it so much last time and wants to recreate the same kind of holiday for all of us.

I wouldn’t be with someone who put such strict limitations on travel.

I went to Italy and Mexico with an ex. If someone told me those places were off limits, I would seriously re consider the relationship.

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.