hurt by ex

I dated someone for six years and spent the second half engaged. I bought us a home and we lived together for a long while which was very difficult. I was always in the wrong, she would get mad and leave for days at a time, her accounts of events years later were so off base from how they actually played out. I saw a therapist for years we were together and he said there wasn’t little doubt she had a borderline personality. It was difficult and eventually we separated. As tough as the bad times were the good times were great, I missed her terribly and eventually decided to learn how to deal with the issues and try to win her back. We were back together for months and despite there were definitely down times, I managed to keep it all in perspective. In the fall she decided to go out of state to attend yoga training and made some friends and opted to not return. When she did visit for thanksgiving though I did go get her at airport, we had dates etc... then she went back again. When she got back she blocked my number and Facebook etc... claiming she didn’t want to be drawn back home. Occasionally I would get messages that she still was in love with me and was thinking of coming home, how would it be if she did, then right back to being ice cold. Finally after telling me she loved me one last time days later she blocked me again and days later I learned she was dating someone. I was beyond crushed. The whole time leading up to it had me reeling. Sleepless nights, lost weight, but this was a shot like no other. When I called her on it she of course told me it was none of my business etc... and I was blocked. Last week and 3 1/2 months after we last spoke she messaged me asking if she could ask me a question. I was so hopeful it would be good news. Instead she asked about our early relationship and how I transitioned from a previous girl to her because her new guy slept with an ex while they agreed not to date anyone else and wanted my opinion if I considered that cheating. I was so hurt. I tried to keep calm and answer which I did but in the following days my hurt took over and was not pleasant at all with her. Am I completely out of line? We that fair to contact me with? I would have never, then again I wouldn’t have done any of the aforementioned things. She even try putting her dog up for adoption since she couldn’t take him. She was the world to that dog. Now it’s left 3k miles away with family. In later messages it just turned into bickering and her not thinking she did anything wrong (moving, using me for rides, leading me on, asking that question). And of course telling me I was equally at fault in everything. Mind you for the years we lived together I handled everything. Betweenthe mortgage, utilities, our car insurance, everything I paid out roughly 3k a month and she didn’t chip in a dime claiming it wasn’t what women in her position do. Now I see Facebook posts about her being independent etc... such a kick in the balls.

Super long rant, let’s focus on at least her asking me that question. Was that not really messed up? Am I seeing this all wrong?

Curious as to why you are still communicating with this toxic woman? Block her on every front and stop allowing her to interfere with your well being. You are never going to get what you want from her.

That hurt to read but you aren’t wrong. My therapist said often when dealing with this personality type you often almost become addicted to trying to please them. Idk, like I said when it was good it was great. And I did/do love her.

What makes this so much tougher to swallow is that the guy who exactly what she said all her life she doesn’t like: short, tattooed all over, gym rat, posting pics online of flexing, Facebook posts online about banging girls on vacation. I mean, I would have though she would hate this guy, nevermind date him

I’m truly sorry for your pain & did not intend to come across harshly but she is screwed up. Her behavior is not a reflection of you, but the longer you engage with messed up people the more pain you inflict on yourself. Toxic people have to be cut off...permanently. Too easy for them to get into the heads of those they’ve messed about. Cut her off completely. If she’s really bpd her behavior will never make sense and you are better off without her.

She is an abuser. You have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for far too long. You come out of those questioning everything with your confidence in the crapper. It takes awhile to come out of that fog but step 1 is cutting the abuser off. You can’t fix her and you won’t be able to make sense of it.

You weren’t harsh at all, you are right. That is the part that made it tough to read. Maybe I am just weak. Idk. I invested so much into this. I wasn’t perfect either but at least I was consistent. Her views/actions/beliefs as often as I changed my clothes.

But do you agree that reaching out to me for that reason was extremely insensitive?

I agree 100% it was cruel but this is who she is. Yes you invested a lot...invest no more.

Thank you for your responses. You’re pretty good at this. Only found this site today, my head has been spinning. Over this lately. Went searching for an outlet. Glad I found this place

You ignored a ton of red flags...you might want to consider why you let her use and abuse you for so long, and why you willingly went back for more. I don’t want you to become bitter or cynical but she was a piece of work. She will toy with you for as long as you allow it, because she’s all jacked up in the head.

I went back because I loved her. Most unfortunately for me I still do.

I hear ya but at some point you have to recognize that loving someone doesn’t mean they should be in your life. Gotta love yourself to care about how you let others treat you.

Thank you so much for your advice

Shessofly is correct in everything she said.

Block your Ex on everything, and if she finds a way through to you dont engage with her.

You deserve so much better than her.

Thanks guys. As awful as November through April was, over the past 3 months of not hearing from her I finally felt like I was starting to do OK. Then I heard from her and feel like I’m back at square one

You know what’s even better? Besides being a yoga instructor etc...

She charges hundreds as a life coach. And people hire her. She has a bunch of clients

Stop worrying about her. Block, delete and heal.

If posters want to help you have a bash session, more power to them, but its not helping you. Youre keeping yourself actively stuck.

You know what’s even better? Besides being a yoga instructor etc...

 

She charges hundreds as a life coach. And people hire her. She has a bunch of clients

We dont care & neither should you! How do you know this? Are you online stalking her?

My kids tell me all the wonderful things my ex does. I say "oh thats nice" and dont give it another thought.

You really need to let go completely

Not stalking, like I said I heard from her on and off for months.

Putting up with abuse and going for more isn't love. In fact, "but I love them" is a cop out answer to a very serious question of why do you allow yourself to engage in such a toxic relationship with such a messed up person. You really need to dig deeper within yourself than that and be more brutally honest on what's attracting you and why and then fix the actual issues within yourself that drive you to this kind of a toxic merry go round. If you don't do that kind of hard work, you are bound to repeat it with someone else, over and over.

Also, block her from all possible contact and delete all info. Clean house literally and figuratively speaking. Close and bolt the proverbial door behind her so as you start to heal, she cannot keep walking in and wrecking your healing over and over again.

As for her success or whatever, assorted psychopaths do tend to be highly successful in large part because they are very good at manipulating people and promoting themselves. That doesn't make them good relationship partners or even friends to anyone.

Putting up with abuse and going for more isn't love. In fact, "but I love them" is a cop out answer to a very serious question of why do you allow yourself to engage in such a toxic relationship with such a messed up person. You really need to dig deeper within yourself than that and be more brutally honest on what's attracting you and why and then fix the actual issues within yourself that drive you to this kind of a toxic merry go round. If you don't do that kind of hard work, you are bound to repeat it with someone else, over and over.

THIS. I feel for you, buddy. This woman has not treated you well, and her bizarre question was unacceptable. That's the simple part.

Now is really the time to get out the shovel and start digging inside. Because what you're calling "love" is more like an addiction, a pathology, a quest for validation from a source who has proven over and over unreliable. And I get it, to a degree. My ex had some similar qualities, and when they became really unhinged I found myself becoming a bit unhinged, putting up with things, rationalizing things, the works. But for four months. When I realized I wasn't getting a return on my investment—when I realized my spirit was getting shot up—I pulled out. Sad. Painful. But she'd shown me who she was, as your ex has shown you, and now it was up to me to accept what I saw or keep hopping on the crazy wheel. Once we know it's a crazy wheel, we can only blame ourselves for continuing to spin, you know? That's where the real hard part starts.

Think of it like this: What happens when we touch a hot stove? We get burned, learn that it hurts, and stop touching it. What does it mean if we keep touching it, knowing we'll get burned? It means we've got something that needs to be sorted out, because burns are still burns are still burns.

I understand what everyone is saying and you guys are right. I think what my problem is remembering how great it was most of the time and not that the rest was so bizarre that it truly outweighed it.

Her mother was the biggest whack job I have ever met. Used to say she communicated with my dead mother in her dreams, one night aliens visited her, she was abusive to her parents and children etc... and I always feared that my ex would end up like her and it appears she is well on her way. I should be thankful for avoiding that.

You mentioned you were in therapy while you were in the relationship? I'd take some time to get back into therapy while you're out, so your focus can be on yourself and not this or another relationship. I don't say that prescriptively, or from some place of wisdom. I've dedicated the past year to taking therapy really seriously, just for me, so I can better understand certain patterns and tendencies.

Like, the thing you just wrote? I'm not sure this was ever "so great" for you. Maybe there was great sex, or some great days/weeks, or a lot of things about this woman that are great. But it sounds like on the whole you were anxious, navigating around eggshells and quasi-emergencies and mistaking that level of drama for excitement. That requires a lot of energy, and things that require a lot of energy are addictive: 1. they distract us from ourselves; 2. they supply an immense amount of ego gratification (when they're not destroying the ego).

From what you've written it sounds like you guys did a lot of communicating on an ego level, without getting down to the good stuff where you can be true, vulnerable, seen and accepted for who you are. There's a lot of good, if humbling, stuff that can come from digging into those questions—stuff that will set you up for a great dynamic with a great woman.

She claimed I had anger issues and said I should talk to someone, I went. 5 years later I still go because I like it. I quickly learned in my sesssions that I wasn’t the one with issues: she didn’t love that. She even came a few times, kinda got owned a bit. Then she just started ripping the dr.

She claimed I had anger issues and said I should talk to someone, I went. 5 years later I still go because I like it. I quickly learned in my sesssions that I wasn’t the one with issues: she didn’t love that. She even came a few times, kinda got owned a bit. Then she just started ripping the dr.

We're 3 pages in and you still insist on talking about the random stuff she did. Why? Like at this point you aren't even responding to anyone you're just ranting. You want people to join your bash session get with your friends, what do you want strangers on the internet for?

I mean this with no disrespect but what do any of us gain in knowing your ex 'got owned' by a therapist. P.S. unless the Dr. Is a complete quack, I promise you getting 'owned' isn't the intention of the therapist. You seriously need to stop obsessing, Jesus you're even bringing the woman's mom into this, what does that have to do with anything? Negative attention is still attention, and this negativity does not display that you're over her. That would be indifference, you are keeping her very much in the forefront of your mind.

Yup, you’re right. Rant over.