Boyfriend Confusion

Hi there

So my boyfriend and i have been in a relationship for 2.5 years, and during the past 6 months things have been getting a lot harder. We both work different full time hours in our careers he is 21 and i’m 20. We both live at home with our parents cause we can’t afford to move out together even though we want to. When we first started dating he didn’t have a job or go to university. he relied on his parents to basically do everything for him. I on the other hand had been working casually since i was 14. When i finished school i had had my lisence for 2 years and was going into a full time career and i had my prorities in order. I was fine at first driving him around because i like driving. I pushed him to get a job and so did he parents and after 10 months he got one. When it came to his learners for his license it was more of a push but he got them. it’s been 2 years now since he got his learner lisence and i alway push him to do his hours and get them and if he needs help to ask me but all he says is that ‘ it’s not your problem it’s mine and i’ll sort it out’ but he doesn’t get it through his head that it’s US that he is effecting even though i have told him that. All he does is play video games when his not working and thats okay when i’m not at his house or when i work night shifts but he will not go 1 full day even when we are both off work together off the game he has to get on at some point of the night, because ‘he enjoys playing with his friends’ i also can’t help but notice how much happier he is when he plays it cause i feel like i don’t conncect with him anymore and i annoy him for trying to make him grow up! Does anyone get what i mean? I’m so confused in what to do because i love him so much and don’t want to end things but what if it will effect worse in the future ?

Your relationship sounds as close to incest as you can legally get. Any reason you're determined to be a mother figure for him?

He's right that it's not your problem. The fact you make it your problem is your problem. You're young, so you've got a good opportunity to put yourself ahead of the curve compared to many young women out there by looking for young men whom you respect as they are and whom you don't feel compelled to mother or train. The resentment from his end and the lack of respect from yours isn't worth whatever satisfaction you get controlling his life.

You guys are really young, and it sounds like you've matured a lot faster than he has. It's not your responsibility to make him step up and care about progressing in his life. The truth is, even if you browbeat him into being the person you want him to be, he will just resent you. If you don't like how he lives and feel he is immature, end the relationship.

Believe me - don't spend all your time trying to raise a man from the ground up. Once they're better they often look at the person who accepted them when they were less and think "time to upgrade".

He's not going to change if that is what you are asking...can you make a difference? no, because he won't listen to you and he doesn't want to change. You have out grown this relationship, and if you stay in it, it will only hold you back. You have better things to do with your life than invest in this lazy lump. I agree, it's time for an upgrade. This is why we have relationships...to find someone who is accomplished as you are, on the same page, has the same goals, and MOTIVATION. He has proven very little in the time you have been together. It's time to move on to better pastures.

....He isn't your bf, he is your fixer upper project and what you love isn't him at all, just some idea of who you want him to be. You don't seem to accept or like who he actually is - living at home, not working, not driving, no ambition, playing video games all day and night.

So you've forced him into getting a job, now you want to force him into driving and then force him into...... He is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want any part of it and he already is resenting you for meddling so much and trying to make him into this or that. He is correct to enforce his boundaries and tell you straight up that whether he gets his driving license or not, is none of your business. You are not married, there is no "US" and it would be good for you to wrap your mind around that quickly.

Also, treating a man like a child will get you nowhere. It's unhealthy to say the least. Getting with a guy you don't like as is and then trying to turn him into what and who you want him to be is messed up. If you don't want a zero ambition guy who would rather play games, then don't be with one. Dump him and find someone who is more on your level. Never ever get involved in a relationship hoping to change a person. Either accept them as is, or move on because as is doesn't work for you.

The guy's a pet, he's not a bf. He's only going to hold you back. He has his video games. He might not even notice when you're gone.