Request for advice.

Hi ENA

I am a 36 year male with patterns to my relationships and would greatly appreciate any advice.

I have been in 4 serious relationships, 2 years, 1.5, 5 and 3.

All have ended in the woman ending the relationship to my great dismay.

All have come in my view fairly out the blue to me after what I thought were great, fun and loving relationships I felt were for the long term. In the case of the 5 year - shortly after discussions of having children and potential marriage.

In the case of the recent 3 year (8 weeks out), a matter of weeks after discussing future living arrangements and the future with the woman's son, more children etc.

I am fairly sure I have been replaced in most instances.

From what I can get in terms of feedback it is always similar - amazing boyfriend, kind, generous, loyal, hard working etc etc.

but then 'there's something missing' and 'you never opened up to me' and 'you avoid any sort of emotional conversation'.

In the latest relationship, I tried to deploy a lot I've learnt from ENA and other sources - always put my partner first, huge amount of proactivity in terms of dates, trips, time together, and concerted effort to improve listening skills.

My parents are approaching a 40 year marriage - neither would I describe as hugely 'emotional'.

When I am in a relationship I always feel very happy - and therefore feel I have little reason to discuss my own feelings in great detail - and I am generally a very positive person.

I presume I suffer from the dreaded 'emotionally unavailable' syndrome - but don't really understand how I might change this. I always feel extremely strong emotions after each of these break ups however. I picked up in Gary Chapman's famous book it is typical for women to be attracted to a very emotionally strong man, but after 3 or 4 years they suddenly feel they do not know the person.

I would greatly appreciate any advice.....

thank you

For some reason you have trust issues and have been incapable of opening up to your partners.

Check out baggagereclaim.com You may also wish to address your issues of intimacy through counseling. Your relationships are lacking an emotional connection.

It sounds like you have your answers as far as a pattern goes. It's ok to not want marriage, kids, moving in, etc. just be honest from the start so you meet the right type of women who share your perspective.

-shortly after discussions of having children and potential marriage.

-after discussing future living arrangements and the future with the woman's son, more children etc.

Thank you Holly, I will check that site.

The trust issues I don’t quite understand - I feel I do not have anything to share rather than the idea that I have lots to share but choose not to do so. Being in these relationships has made me feel all is ok with the world.

I had a very stable up bringing, deal with the stress of work quite well and feel like a reasonably laid back person, that generally gets on very well with my family and friends etc - all potential areas where my partners have spoken of their feelings.

Thanks Wiseman

To be clear those conversations have been mutual and about the details, plans etc. Such talk of the future has always led me to believe all was ok and therefore blindsided to have it ended so soon after.

In both cases both parties were keen to do those things - not one and the other resisting.

Thank you Holly, I will check that site.

 

The trust issues I don’t quite understand - I feel I do not have anything to share rather than the idea that I have lots to share but choose not to do so. Being in these relationships has made me feel all is ok with the world.

 

I had a very stable up bringing, deal with the stress of work quite well and feel like a reasonably laid back person, that generally gets on very well with my family and friends etc - all potential areas where my partners have spoken of their feelings.

Have you inquired if it's the type of partner your selecting...ime high emotional maintanence women don't last with someone who doesn't do drama

Thanks Gator and I expect you are correct.

I don't feel I have ever really 'selected' a partner based on if they are emotional or not - I've met someone, we have had great connection and started a relationship. Perhaps I am drawn sub consciously to that type of personality and they are drawn to me at the outset. Its not bothered me that they are very emotional - I actually quite like it - but I struggle to be that way myself.

And there have never really been red flags or problems throughout - until I get that feedback at the break up.

Thanks Gator and I expect you are correct.

 

I don't feel I have ever really 'selected' a partner based on if they are emotional or not - I've met someone, we have had great connection and started a relationship. Perhaps I am drawn sub consciously to that type of personality and they are drawn to me at the outset. Its not bothered me that they are very emotional - I actually quite like it - but I struggle to be that way myself.

 

And there have never really been red flags or problems throughout - until I get that feedback at the break up.

Hi ENA

From what I can get in terms of feedback it is always similar - amazing boyfriend, kind, generous, loyal, hard working etc etc.

 

but then 'there's something missing' and 'you never opened up to me' and 'you avoid any sort of emotional conversation'.

You mentioned that you feel quite emotional when you suffer a break up, but do you feel like there is any truth to what they say?

Is it possible you might be a little closed off emotionally while in the relationship?

Sounds like a case of opposites attract, but then they don't really get along in the end. If you are choosing women who are highly emotional, aka your opposites, then they won't feel connected with you if you are less emotional, low drama kind of a person. You can't even understand their needs because you are too different from each other and how you both operate. Maybe choose women in the future who are more emotionally low key.

So what's the plan to make sure the next relationship doesn't go the same way?

No idea ! Do I ask women on dates if they are emotional from the outset!?

You mentioned that you feel quite emotional when you suffer a break up, but do you feel like there is any truth to what they say?

Is it possible you might be a little closed off emotionally while in the relationship?

Yes I agree - when I am with someone the overriding emotion is happiness and contentment. Do I come home every night and explain that!? Often I would get asked if I am Ok and I would simply say - yes absolutely - because it would be true!

I was going to say something similar to what GatorXP said.

What you've got going on is the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing. Women create bonds and trust by talking and emoting and discussing their feelings. Most men don't like talking about their "feelings." I've told my wife that if I thought about what I was feeling, I would never get anything done. Men don't deal with their feelings comfortably. We keep them bottled up. That's how we are. If we let them loose, we go crazy.

So I wonder if you're attracted to the traditional girlie girls who maybe don't have a lot of experience talking guy talk and is misunderstanding you. Guys show how they feel by wanting to do stuff for their women. When a guy offers to repair your car or fix your washing machine, he's saying "I love you." Meanwhile women will say something like, "he's always down in the basement fixing stuff." Yeah, girls don't understand the guy may be doing it for his girl. They think he's being selfish.

I'm fortunate because my wife was raised by her father. She understands guy talk. And we don't sit around talking about our feelings. We never had to. And she has a twisted sense of humor from watching Monty Python and all the great English comics. She likes my jokes, versus an old girlfriend who took personally every joke I made and cried.

So I guess the answer is to find a girl who isn't so girlie, or to talk about your feelings at least once a week (maybe after sex) just so a future girlfriend feels you're bonding with her. Sometimes you do have to do things you normally wouldn't to keep the peace. Make stuff up if you don't have anything to talk about.

Yes I agree - when I am with someone the overriding emotion is happiness and contentment. Do I come home every night and explain that!? Often I would get asked if I am Ok and I would simply say - yes absolutely - because it would be true!

It's a good sign that you are feeling these things. But it's another thing if you partner is telling you that you are not intimately connecting with them in an emotional way.

I've been around people that I feel I cannot connect with. Sometimes it's them, me, the two of us combined. Where I don't have a connection with someone, the next one does.

Would you say you are somewhat naturally reserved?

I was going to say something similar to what GatorXP said.

 

What you've got going on is the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing. Women create bonds and trust by talking and emoting and discussing their feelings. Most men don't like talking about their "feelings." I've told my wife that if I thought about what I was feeling, I would never get anything done. Men don't deal with their feelings comfortably. We keep them bottled up. That's how we are. If we let them loose, we go crazy.

 

So I wonder if you're attracted to the traditional girlie girls who maybe don't have a lot of experience talking guy talk and is misunderstanding you. Guys show how they feel by wanting to do stuff for their women. When a guy offers to repair your car or fix your washing machine, he's saying "I love you." Meanwhile women will say something like, "he's always down in the basement fixing stuff." Yeah, girls don't understand the guy may be doing it for his girl. They think he's being selfish.

 

I'm fortunate because my wife was raised by her father. She understands guy talk. And we don't sit around talking about our feelings. We never had to. And she has a twisted sense of humor from watching Monty Python and all the great English comics. She likes my jokes, versus an old girlfriend who took personally every joke I made and cried.

 

So I guess the answer is to find a girl who isn't so girlie, or to talk about your feelings at least once a week (maybe after sex) just so a future girlfriend feels you're bonding with her. Sometimes you do have to do things you normally wouldn't to keep the peace. Make stuff up if you don't have anything to talk about.

Thank you Danzee - I have read the book many times and feel whilst I have improved one side to a certain extent - I.e. biting my tongue when tempted to provide solutions, I still probably struggle about talking about my feelings - which I appreciate can be seen as unloving by a partner who bonds in that way.

Interesting my last ex was raised by a single mother and had 2 sisters. My previous ex before that I recognised the actual examples in that book almost word for word !

It's a good sign that you are feeling these things. But it's another thing if you partner is telling you that you are not intimately connecting with them in an emotional way.

 

I've been around people that I feel I cannot connect with. Sometimes it's them, me, the two of us combined. Where I don't have a connection with someone, the next one does.

 

Would you say you are somewhat naturally reserved?

Thank you reinvent myself. Now I have had 8 weeks to reflect I can recall times I was told ‘your not talking to me’ and in that 3 seconds I had to reply I would be very confused as we would have had a conversation of how our days had been, what plans were for dinner, weekend etc, wha series we are watching on tv that evening. Of course now I can probably gather that probably meant we are not talking about our feelings / our relationship more.

I would say yes I am quite reserved, calm, quietly confident person.

No idea ! Do I ask women on dates if they are emotional from the outset!?

I'd suggest starting with Conscious Loving by Hendricks

I would say yes I am quite reserved, calm, quietly confident person.

And that is an asset. . but at the same time it's can be difficult to feel connected with someone like you.

(I speak from experience) I don't know where to begin to tell you how to do it differently, that and limited space, but there are some great books about it.

Basically it means you need to be vulnerable and talk about what's going inside. Being content and happy sometimes isn't enough in order to feel connected to someone.

And that is an asset. . but at the same time it's can be difficult to feel connected with someone like you.

(I speak from experience) I don't know where to begin to tell you how to do it differently, that and limited space, but there are some great books about it.

 

Basically it means you need to be vulnerable and talk about what's going inside. Being content and happy sometimes isn't enough in order to feel connected to someone.

Thank you and I understand. It’s hard to be vulnerable when you don’t feel that way but I understand he point. I can recall one ex randomly commenting on how she had never seen me cry, shortly before breaking up with me - I had no idea what was going on. Book recommendations greatly received !

The Seven Levels of Intimacy 2nd ed. Edition by Matthew Kelly (Author)

Check out emotional intimacy on Amazon. . or google internet subjects on it.

There is ooodles of information out there.

Sounds like maybe they were selecting "safe" partners. People here echoed that sentiment.

You probably did improve and treat them well, but the feeling of monotony and a safe relationship might have made some of them feel stale. This may not have to do with you and you may not have made any mistakes for 4 relationships to end.

In the end, they didn't connect with you enough. It takes two.

A younger me might not have been genuine, but more so a people pleaser and not saying what's on my mind.

It's those things we hide about ourselves that make us real. It's taken years and a lot of practice.

I am still somewhat reserved but I know I needed to tell someone my story, even if it's difficult.

It's not always about sharing the warm fuzzy feelings. .it's about our sharing our fears and weaknesses just as much. It's about conflict sometimes too. Because with conflict, if handled responsibly, you come out the other side with a deeper appreciation and understanding of each other.

Sounds like maybe they were selecting "safe" partners. People here echoed that sentiment.

 

You probably did improve and treat them well, but the feeling of monotony and a safe relationship might have made some of them feel stale. This may not have to do with you and you may not have made any mistakes for 4 relationships to end.

 

In the end, they didn't connect with you enough. It takes two.

Thank you Johnny Utah - yes I have often considered that I am very loyal and always willing to work through something rather than end a relationship - probably goes a long way to empowering them.

Have you considered that you have a healthy attachment style and they were too clingy? Or that they picked these vague relationship-postmortem reasons because they were on thier way out anyway? Also do they want a male-gf who crys at hallmark movies or a dramatic guy who does a lot of emoting? Don't assume you're defective because of these reasons they gave. Consider perhaps they were just not compatible.

Keep in mind there are biological and psychosocial reasons for things. An exceprt from an APA article:"Biologically, there may be a reason women cry more than men: Testosterone may inhibit crying, while the hormone prolactin (seen in higher levels in women) may promote it.

Have you considered that you have a healthy attachment style and they were too clingy? Or that they picked these vague relationship-postmortem reasons because they were on thier way out anyway? Also do they want a male-gf who crys at hallmark movies or a dramatic guy who does a lot of emoting? Don't assume you're defective because of these reasons they gave. Consider perhaps they were just not compatible.

 

Keep in mind there are biological and psychosocial reasons for things. An exceprt from an APA article:"Biologically, there may be a reason women cry more than men: Testosterone may inhibit crying, while the hormone prolactin (seen in higher levels in women) may promote it.

Thank you Wiseman - yes I have thought of it in that way, the last ex admitted she was dreadfully needy and needed a lot of attention. I appreciated that honesty and really did like meeting those needs and thought I was up to that point. It doesn’t make it any less painful being the less needy one of you are on the end of it however! Also the consistent expressions and love and happiness did not help me realise there might be an issue so easily. Learn learn and learn some more for me the next few months!