Follower8705 Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 I was not sure where to post my story.... it hits a lot of different aspects.... alcoholism, infidelity, long-term relationship, age gap, so many different things! My boyfriend and I have been together for 8.5 years. He is 13 years older than me and is an active, functional alcoholic. I’ve really been frustrated with the drinking lately. I’ve told him how it makes me feel when he drinks....he doesn’t seem to care. Today, I made him talk to me (he is usually extremely closed off about his feelings and emotions.) He feels like he is a bum. I asked him why he feels that way. He used to make a lot more money than he does now. His ex-fiancé left his finances in shambles. He got a couple of DUIs, lost his CDL license because of it. He has no license...he hasn’t for the entire time we have been together. He hates being dependent on me. He feels like his life is ruined. He loved driving truck and hates his current job. I just don’t know how to help him see himself as I see him. He is not a bum. True, his life isn’t as he pictured it. Stuff happens. It’s what we make of it that matters. But he keeps drinking and drinking and drinking. I love this man. I want to help him so badly. How can I help him see himself as the man I see and not the bum he thinks he is? We have a nice life together....we bought a house, have 3 dogs...I’m proud of the life we are building, but he doesn’t seem to be. My heart breaks for him. I have strongly suggested counseling. AA didn’t work for him in the past, so I have been telling him there are other options out there. It being more than the alcohol, I really think counseling would help.. Any thoughts? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 Im sorry but you cant help him, he has to help himself. He has to want to change his situation. Going to councelling isnt going to help him if he is only going to please you. Does he want to stop drinking? Until he deals with this issue nothing else can be fixed. If he has been this way since you met him, and have bought a house with him, then you have been condoning his drinking for the 8.5 years. You really cant expect him to miraculously change now that it is frsutrating you. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 Unfortunately, alcoholics will not get better until they are ready to and want to. You can't force it and until he wants help and wants to turn his life around, nothing will change. It truly is up to him and he must make that decision. Link to comment
jellybean2018 Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 Yes, I agree with the comments. My ex housemate was/is an alcoholic, even his mum was messaging concerned about him. He used to lie about allsorts, money used to go missing... then debt collectors showed up at the door. Its a downward spiral that no one can stop, I don't think they can till they hit rock bottom. He moved out after I confronted him and I couldn't take it anymore... He would come in drunk all the time but still get up for work... I don't know how he held a job down... he also lost his licence for his car. They won't change till they need to/ till you remove the crutches. You supporting his alcoholic tendencies is doing no one any favours. He needs to handle it and get help and he won't till the crutches are removed, you may need to go tough love. Link to comment
jellybean2018 Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 Where does infidelity come into the story? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 Do you drive him around? Did you (and do you still) pay for the house? Link to comment
Follower8705 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Share Posted May 28, 2018 Where does infidelity come into the story? He recently was texting a woman from work (we all work in the same building). I saw every single message. There were pictures involved. Nothing happened physically, but the messages were bad enough. Link to comment
Follower8705 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Share Posted May 28, 2018 I do. And yes, the house is in my name only, so I pay for it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted May 28, 2018 Share Posted May 28, 2018 I do. And yes, the house is in my name only, so I pay for it. Who buys his booze? Link to comment
jellybean2018 Posted May 28, 2018 Share Posted May 28, 2018 Hmmmmm too many red flags dear. You deserve better. Im afraid he will not change any time soon and youre not helping him by being an emotional crutch. How does he afford the drink? Link to comment
jellybean2018 Posted May 28, 2018 Share Posted May 28, 2018 Why are you putting up a man who has been sexting behind your back whilst you pay to keep his addiction alive? I hope you listen to advice here... you'll get some brilliant advice and hopefully find someone who deserves you ... Link to comment
Follower8705 Posted May 29, 2018 Author Share Posted May 29, 2018 Who buys his booze? He buys his beer. Link to comment
Follower8705 Posted May 29, 2018 Author Share Posted May 29, 2018 Hmmmmm too many red flags dear. You deserve better. Im afraid he will not change any time soon and youre not helping him by being an emotional crutch. How does he afford the drink? He works full-time and has a side job. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted May 29, 2018 Share Posted May 29, 2018 He works full-time and has a side job. So why doesn't he pay rent??? Or get his license sorted out? Does all his money go for his booze? Link to comment
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