Confused about the way I was dumped but I really want to move on

Just had a breakup. I want to move on but the circumstances at which I got broken up with is confusing me and is preventing me from moving on.

I just came out of a 6 month relationship with someone, who I will call A, who is in their mid-20s, has anxiety, does not have close friends, did /does not have much of a social life, but is into community building stuff and politics. I am in my 30s, extroverted, have a wide circle of friends, and have been in a couple of long term relationships where I lived with my partners. Apart from me, A only ever had 1 relationship that lasted less than a year. A sent me love notes everyday.

In our last argument, I lost my cool and flipped out. As soon as I did, I apologised and said that I would do better. A couple of days later A texted to ask how I was doing. I apologised again (I felt really bad). A then said, "I need time to myself because I am still hurt. I want to think about whether to be together with you or not. You were never there when I needed you. Being there for me when I am down is very important". I disagreed that I was never there for A emotionally, gave my side of the story, but I still admitted I was wrong for flipping out that last time and I would leave A to make the decision to remain together.

After 2 days, I called. This was the conversation that followed:

A: I needed another day to think. Actually, I've made up my mind. I want to break up with you. You want a long term relationship but I am not ready for it.

Me: I thought you said that you wanted to break up because I was never there for you emotionally?

A: That is not the main point...

Me: I thought you said you wanted us to work?

A: Yeah I did.

I got too emotional to allow A to finish the breakup speech and so I didn't get to hear all that A wanted to say. I admit that I did leave the decision to break up with A. It seemed so easy to lose this relationship though. A few months before A said something dealbreaking for me; A agreed to end things too until I found out that A had misunderstandings about me and listened to a friend's dumb advice.

A messaged me saying, "Thank you for making me so happy the last few months. I wish you happiness and love."

The quote "If people want to walk, let them walk" is true. But it still hurts and is confusing. Why would someone who claim that they love me can leave like this? It seemed erratic? Is it an anxiety thing? Is it immaturity? Someone told me that I didn't need to figure this bit out but just move on... but my mind still wants to delve into this confusing bit of the breakup.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

A few months before A said something dealbreaking for me; A agreed to end things too until I found out that A had misunderstandings about me and listened to a friend's dumb advice.

What were the misunderstandings and deal-breaking things?

Sorry to hear this. What were the arguments about? You describe a lot of incompatibilities and many come out even more so at the 6 mos mark, when the rosy glow is fading. It sounds like that last argument was the coup de grâce.

I just came out of a 6 month relationship. In our last argument, I lost my cool and flipped out. A then said, "I need time to myself because I am still hurt. I want to think about whether to be together with you or not. You were never there when I needed you. Being there for me when I am down is very important".

Hello MissCanuck,

I was overseas and was having a very hard time. At some point A had an anxiety attack but didn't realise it at the time. A started arguing with me. I was very confused, tried to figure out what was happening but ended up arguing as well.

I then said " Can you really be there for me when i am going through a hard time?"

A said (advice from friend), "I can't be there for you every time you feel down. You need to learn to take care of yourself."

To me, those words were a dealbreaker.

Misunderstanding 1: I thought the words were from A.

Misunderstanding 2: A thought i was more needy and weaker than what I really am.

If A is that easily influenced that they just parrot the advice of another person without considering their own opinion, you already had a problem on your hands. A needs to be mature enough to arrive at their own conclusion.

It's not needy or weak to look to your partner when you're feeling down. It actually is quite the opposite; a lot of people believe they should swallow their pride and not turn to anyone when they're upset. It take confidence and security within the relationship to turn to your partner in hard times. Why you think this was needy of you is beyond me.

I think A has some growing up to do, by the sounds of it.

Hello Wiseman2, A and I were in a stressful meeting (we were in a community group). A started spiralling and said how futile the situation was. I agreed, consoled and encouraged A's decision to take new plans of action.

A then said that i wasn't being comforting enough. A repeated it a few times. My every attempt failed. I myself was stressed. In the end, i said repeatedly and angrily "i don't know what you want me to say." I didn't shout.

That was the argument

Hi MissCanuck, thanks for that. Your words made me feel better.

A thinks i need a lot of emotional support. A has a history of distancing themselves when friends start to open up about their problems.... But i thought this behaviour was changing. Maybe i was too much of a change

What is confusing is that my male friends tell me that i shouldn't expect significant others to be there to console them then they are down. But my female friends say the opposite. Difference in the genders and social conditioning i guess :)

Attempted support is all anyone can hope for in a relationship. No one can say all.the right things all the time. Especially when it comes to anxiety attacks.

I read through the thread, and there also seemed to be a weird contradiction with A. She expects perfect support from you but then turns around and says/implies that you are needy and weak? Sounds like a person who projects their issues and insecurities on others. You're right to let this one go.

Thanks SGH :) gave me food for thought

Hi MissCanuck, thanks for that. Your words made me feel better.

 

A thinks i need a lot of emotional support. A has a history of distancing themselves when friends start to open up about their problems.... But i thought this behaviour was changing. Maybe i was too much of a change

 

What is confusing is that my male friends tell me that i shouldn't expect significant others to be there to console them then they are down. But my female friends say the opposite. Difference in the genders and social conditioning i guess :)

What does this mean? That a man shouldn't console his partner, or shouldn't turn to his partner for solace when he needs it?

Either way, I have yet to see a healthy relationship in which one partner bottled up his or her feelings at the risk of looking needy. That doesn't work well long-term. That's not to say one party should be overly emotionally-demanding or dependent on their partner; there's a difference between lacking the ability to self-soothe and expecting a reasonable amount of support from a loved one during rough times.

The greatest men I know are the ones who aren't afraid to express a need to their significant others, and are also available to be a support system when the occasion calls.

What does this mean? That a man shouldn't console his partner, or shouldn't turn to his partner for solace when he needs it?

My male friends mean more like this - they don't expect to be emotionally dependent on their significant others, and not to expect their significant others to always be there in the emotional sense. But come to think of it, these male friends regularly talk about splitting up with their significant others or about being single, so perhaps i shouldn't listen to them so much.

Yup i agree that being emotionally dependent on a partner and being able to give good support are good things.

But i remember times during the relationship where i perhaps was too emotionally dependant and too unhappy with life in general... perhaps i should work on being better at tackling life.

From the various comments that i got - maybe it was best that we did split up.

A, who is in their mid-20s,

Here's your answer. Adolescence doesn't end at age 18, it lasts until mid 20's. If you're looking for stability, date people who are mature enough to handle a relationship.

Head high, this likely would have ended soon no matter what you did or didn't do.

Here's your answer. Adolescence doesn't end at age 18, it lasts until mid 20's. If you're looking for stability, date people who are mature enough to handle a relationship.

 

Head high, this likely would have ended soon no matter what you did or didn't do.

Sigh. What you said is so true. I knew it too but still got into it anyway. This had been a huge lesson about resisting temptation.