my husband's job is his mistress

How do I get my husband to understand that he cares more about his job than me? I've tried telling him what a zombie he is most of the time when we're together, because he is preoccupied with work. He works in upper management in a very stressful work environment. I never realized how much politics and competition there is among men. I swear some men would step on their own grandmother to climb the ladder. Anyway, he works long hours and even when he's here I feel like he's not really "here".

Well, this is a big issue. When they ask men what is the most important thing in their lives, they will say their job while women will say their family. So right there you have your answer. Yes, a man's job is more important than their relationships. The occupation defines a man. They introduce themselves as I'm a banker. I'm a real estate agent. I'm a dentist. I'm an executive. They don't say I'm a father. I'm a husband. Their jobs are what they are.

The other side of the issue is to get big pay, you've got to do the hours. You don't make it in the business world by leaving at 5 pm. You don't get a house and a car or two without working for it. Being poor doesn't make a couple happier. So it's a trade off.

Anyways, you can make things easier for him if you give him some support. Do whatever you can to try to relax him when he comes home. Try to do things for him that he can't do himself. Have his favorite things ready for him. In a guy's mind, he's also working hard to give you the things you want. Just try to help him in any way you can. That's how you can get his thanks and affection.

The problem isn't his job, it's your marriage. Lack of communication, lack of quality time, lack of passion. Do you work? Do you have kids? Stop droning on about 'he loves work more than you', etc..it will fall on deaf ears and only escalate things. Instead start going to therapy by yourself and explore what may be wrong at home and if marriage therapy may help.

How do I get my husband to understand that he cares more about his job than me? he works long hours and even when he's here I feel like he's not really "here".

How do I get my husband to understand that he cares more about his job than me? I've tried telling him what a zombie he is most of the time when we're together, because he is preoccupied with work. He works in upper management in a very stressful work environment. I never realized how much politics and competition there is among men. I swear some men would step on their own grandmother to climb the ladder. Anyway, he works long hours and even when he's here I feel like he's not really "here".

In bold: When you start off at entry level you never notice it. You follow, keep your head down and hope someone notices you. That someone hopefully is someone in upper management. Why? because that is the ladder that what everyone is talking about. There are multiple ladders in the company (multiple upper management). You also have to pick the right ladder, not just any ladder that comes your way. That means you need to know whats going on within the company and how people are being viewed by the upper executives in the company. Every ladder is a ladder but not every ladder is the same. So in order to know whats going on within the company you have to talk with your co-workers, hear the rumors, filter whats true and whats not. You have to know your personnel, the upper management as if they are going to be able to move into the executive spots or not within the few years. Because you don't want to be stuck in a single ladder and not being able to be noticed for higher positions and promotions. So while you are performing, you have to be liked by your peers at the same time using your knowledge to get someone to notice you so you can get promoted within the company above your peers. You are competing with your peers while trying to be noticed by upper management, then you have to be concern with the person you are being noticed by to see how their career will pan out so that you will be able to be one day in the executive positions.

How to get noticed. Performance doesn't mean working smarter, no one cares, you just have to be able to do the job. More than anyone else and go above and beyond. The cleverness has to deal with how you identify your opportunities to get ahead. This equals long hours. All the other stuff is stress and it is mind boggling how i've done it for 9 years already.

The problem isn't his job, it's your marriage. Lack of communication, lack of quality time, lack of passion. Do you work? Do you have kids? Stop droning on about 'he loves work more than you', etc..it will fall on deaf ears and only escalate things. Instead start going to therapy by yourself and explore what may be wrong at home and if marriage therapy may help.

I have a slight issue with this having been married to someone just like him. Myself and kids were not anywhere near a priority, yet I was told I should be grateful because after all 'he worked so hard for us' The thing is, I didn't want him to work so hard. (a career and a side biz) And please don't dress it up to look like you are doing it for me.

It's hard to undo some of that conditioning when someone is wrapped up in a competitive field and sees himself as nothing more that the provider.

Everyone loses when the family relationships and individual connections are no longer the priority.

After all his check book is not going to keep him warm at night.

Is it a marriage issue? yes. But it's a conditioning issue as well. My ex hung onto it so tightly, he lost everything.

The wife in this scenario seems to know better (But, I am clearly projecting here as well)

Several years later my ex regrets his decisions. But by then it was too late.

At one point I told him I would be happy in a tent if it meant we could keep the family together.

Get into marriage counseling. . asap

So I hear that you need more time and attention from your husband. No mention though of what your husbands needs are. In order to see if he can possibly meet your needs, you have to understand his motivations - and care about them enough to acknowledge them.

It sounds like a marriage worn down by neglect.

No mention either of what the initial agreement was and if it was actually sustainable. Sometimes people build relationships on premises that aren't realistic. For example, if you entered this agreeing he'd be a sole provider and knowing he is ambitious, you can't expect him to put primary investment into time with you.

Would need more information.

So I hear that you need more time and attention from your husband. No mention though of what your husbands needs are. In order to see if he can possibly meet your needs, you have to understand his motivations - and care about them enough to acknowledge them.

It sounds like a marriage worn down by neglect.

No mention either of what the initial agreement was and if it was actually sustainable. Sometimes people build relationships on premises that aren't realistic. For example, if you entered this agreeing he'd be a sole provider and knowing he is ambitious, you can't expect him to put primary investment into time with you.

 

Would need more information.

Yes I agree with this. When did you first know he was very focused on his career? Was he always since you met him or is this a new thing?

How do I get my husband to understand that he cares more about his job than me?

By taking over the lion's share of the finances so he can find work in a less stressful work environment. Remove his excuse.

Outside of that, you can't. He has to come to that of his own volition.

What sort of lifestyle are you two living? Do you work for pay outside the home? Is it enough to live comfortably if he were to quit to go find a job that was far less stressful, but paid far less than what he's making right now?

I think it really depends upon what style of living you're choosing to live and if you can afford to live it without him being in the job he's in.

You rely on his income and enjoy the lifestyle it provides, right? Then you need to cut back on luxuries and clip coupons. See if a little more money each paycheck can be unallocated and saved. But i will say to a lot of men, their job and achievements become a strong part of their identity. He won't just quit. I would also talk your husband into perhaps a getaway for the two of you where he is completely out of pocket and you have a nice romantic weekend or however you two relax at a bed and breakfast, at the beach, or seeing historical sites -- whatever you like to do --- if you have a way to reconnect periodically it might help.