Not sure about this date is it me?

Dear all, please would you be able to help, I'm unsure if I'm being paranoid here or not

In a nutshell, a man has been pursuing me from work, for six months and finally we got together ( I was cautious at first but did really like him ) and we had a lovely date together a couple of weeks ago, a coffee date and then he said he began making me lunch and bringing it to the office for me which was really sweet and he texts daily

He initially promised a date in a nice restaurant and everything, then a few days before changed plans and suggested he brings the meal to my place, hinting he wants to steal some kisses which was ok but also saying " maybe you have a surprise for me " fine as we cannot kiss in public, he is full of excuses, he doesn't want PDA, we can't be seen together which is true as he is in a senior level position above me at work

Fine and I said to him, I was uncomfortable him coming to my place so soon, could he come over and we could go out, nobody lives here from work and he then says, he has a cold and it'll be freezing and he can't afford to get ill and we must stay in - and then he invites me to his mate's place where he says he is staying!

He says he has rented out his own place, his mate will be out and I can come round for a meal that he will cook for me for a few hours

My gut instinct is saying no, it seems too weird with too many excuses and he asked how I felt and I said I was uncomfortable and would like to go out, I said when it was warmer and sunnier it would be nice and he said yes we could go then

But I feel like he's coming up with far too many ridiculous excuses! He said if I like we can leave it until it is warmer and go out then

Am I being too high maintenance and too fussy? A part of me thinks it would be nice to get to know him and spend some time in his company and the setting isn't all that important and yes I would like to kiss him too as I am attracted to him! :-)

The phone call became stiff and formal and frosty I think and I coldly asked him, what are the options which I feel bad about but guess I was anxious and hurt and I said I would let him know either tonight or in the morning what I would do - I feel irritated by it all right now, the worst thing is feeling like his dirty little secret and was tempted to text him and tell him that was how it felt and I would wait until it was warmer or it would not go ahead

Or am I over-reacting here? Please somebody help if you can, I did really like him before now, however I'm not sure I want to know anymore thanks

Think what I am so angry about is the way it changed from a romantic date to a let's hang out at a mate's house which is a den and I feel insulted that he will not take me out, makes one feel a dirty little secret to be sure and tempted to text and say honestly how I feel XXX Love DLD

I think I may still go round and speak to him about these issues in person, perhaps he is offended and thinks I don't fancy him or I am gold digging, I'm unsure...but I can't read his mind and would be better to talk in person XX

Anyone who has to hide you is not worth dating. Cut it off now before you get attached and hurt.

He only has to hide me though, because he is in senior management and we work for a large corporation XX

Oh my goodness. Please do not explain yourself to this person. He doesn't want to take you out on a date. His primary focus is to hook up with you and hope that it leads to intercourse. As my wise mother told me many times - don't go out with someone who uses weather as an excuse (unless it's a blizzard or some kind of emergency). And she wasn't even referring to this "it's cold outside baby, come on over" -she meant men who flaked/cancelled because it was "raining" or "cold".

And of course you should be really careful about dating a supervisor.

If he rapes you or sexually assaults you understand that if you report it it also likely will be made public at work. Obviously they should believe you and take care of you but now for weeks you've been accepting lunches from him, etc -it all gets kind of vague/gray area -in a perfect world obviously you'd be the victim but why go there and put yourself through that. Don't let yourself be bought with a few lunches and coffee -he is being very very clear about his focus, his motivation, his self-involvement. And why is someone in his position staying with a friend who will be out? Is he married or otherwise involved?

Also please do not consume anything he makes for you as, given his attitude and sneaking around you have no clue what might be in it. Please stay away from him and please do not explain yourself - respect yourself more.

I wouldn't bother with the explanations. I would say simply, On reflection I realize I am not interested in a relationship with a work colleague. It is not a good idea.

Thanks -I feel incredibly disappointed by this - one minute it was a lovely date, the next minute this! I'm still fond of him, still like him very much but I feel like I'm being demeaned and cheated

My friend has said too, that he is being selfish and only thinking about what's in it for him and I guess that she is right

Remarkably we've managed great so far considering we are work colleagues and it's been fine and after our last date he actually texted me " I was touched by your warmth and kindness x " so I thought I meant something to him, now it just feels all like a big lie, a major disappointment

Needless to say I won't be going...I just want to forget about him right now and want him to get lost because I feel like he's really hurt me X

He only has to hide me though, because he is in senior management and we work for a large corporation XX

which is why you should not go on a date

It has caused no problems at all at work so far...and worst came to the worst, we could still meet somewhere nobody lived and come in and out separately of the restaurant...! But yes, that's what I'm thinking, perhaps that is why he's anxious about it but we managed a coffee date in a discreet place at the weekend and came and went separately X

But right now I'm just finding this whole thing an insult.....I feel angry, sad and hurt and this is it I think for me

You'll come off as a desperate little puppy dog letting this man hide you and agree to his terms because of his job status.

If he can't be seen with you, he should not pursue you. It's selfish of him. What will you do ? Date him and attend all events alone, and when there's things you want to do, he can't be with you because he has to hide you?

It's like sneaking around dating a married man, except he isn't married. This will cause you heartache.

The heartache is already here, thanks SweetGirl28, it feels awful, like you would feel if you were involved with a married man, I agree - and if he's not willing to risk anything then I can't be bothered, I've had enough, it isn't even that I don't think as he said " we can't even go to the park as it's too cold " - wow, he isn't even trying to impress, just talking about the weather! He could wear a scarf, my God! And then he says his mate's place is a den with the roof caved in! It's almost like he's consciously trying to sabotage the whole thing, I get that feeling...X

You deserve to be taken out and have a man who's proud to be seen with you, holding hands and doing couply things.

A relationship built on deceit will not flourish well .

And yet he has brought you lunch several times in the workplace and didn't think anyone would notice? My guess is that he's really concerned about his wife or gf finding out, since he has some odd story that he has rented his place out. Not being able to see where a guy lives is a huge red flag. And if he's willing to sacrifice his good paying job for a new romantic partner, and going against professional ethics, he lacks common sense, so it's best to avoid him altogether.

What you see is what you get. Never hope for change, as most often that never happens. I hope everything goes well in the moving on process.

Thank you for your kind replies - he said he was single but now I'm starting to doubt it with this story about renting out his place which doesn't quite add up for me, why would he be staying at a mate's and renting his home out?

He brings me lunch by the spiral staircase in a quiet part of the building lol nobody knows

Thanks, I have to move on, I can't do this...I'm just glad I haven't lost my dignity at all so I think I'll manage to be OK

I can be naïve...X

Glad that you are moving on!!!

Thank you Jibralta! I've had my heart broken enough in the past and don't fancy it again, plus he said when I first said I liked him " I hope you're not getting too emotionally attached " and now I see why, this is not what I'm looking for X

Omg girl! You're dodging a bullet here! The " I hope you're not getting too emotionally attached" comment would be enough to make me stop all contact. Glad you felt it wasn't right and came here to ask for opinions.

Good luck to you. Find a man who is proud to be with you and shows it :)

Thanks so much SweetGirl28, you are sweet! Yes, I'm glad I came here as well, I know that this lovely place can pull you through the darkest of times, at least I'm not staying out of desperation like I would have done once, it cheers me up to remember I can still dodge dem bullets and there were other red flags too which I disregarded and I pretended not to see X

All this sneaking around; some folks have posted it's like being involved with a married man.

I think it's quite possible, and very likely, he IS married.

He's a high level executive at your company ($$$) but claims he is renting out his place and lives with his mate??

Um, I don't think so; he's married hun.

That's why he can't be seen in public with you.

Anyway, your intuition is screaming this feels off, and it is. Listen to that, let your intuition be your guide, it will rarely fail you.

Since you work together, politely tell him you're not comfortable dating in the workplace and if he continues to pester you for dates or whatever, report him to Human Resources.

Are you in the U.S? If so, does your company have a sexual harassment policy? They should, it's the law here in the U.S.

Being he is your supervisor, his behavior would fall under that, even if he never made an actual sexual move on you. He shouldn't even be asking you out.

Not sure if you're in the U.S. though.

Dating work colleagues is almost always a bad idea, specially if they are on higher ranks than us. That should be enough to run away from this guy above all things.

You'll come off as a desperate little puppy dog letting this man hide you and agree to his terms because of his job status.

If he can't be seen with you, he should not pursue you. It's selfish of him. What will you do ? Date him and attend all events alone, and when there's things you want to do, he can't be with you because he has to hide you?

It's like sneaking around dating a married man, except he isn't married. This will cause you heartache.

Agree 100%