Girlfriend broke up but it's weird

So a little over a month ago (feels like sooo much longer, holy crap) my girlfriend of 1 year broke up with me. I have never been so close to someone, and I'd say the same was true for her. We sort of had a long distance relationship, while she's at school. A solid 6 hour drive. Wasn't ever a problem, I visited often and we talked on the phone nearly every day. She's in school to become a nurse, so she's super stressed most of the time. Anyway, she comes home for winter break and we have a great time, a wonderful, loving time. Before she goes back to school she cries w me and says she's going to miss me so much and I tell her I'll visit her as soon as she has free time (without an exam to worry about) she agrees, tells me she loves me, and heads off to school. Less than a month goes by and a couple of days before I'm supposed to visit her, she calls to tell me it's best if I don't come because she has 2 exams coming up and needs to focus. I agree. 2 days after that she calls me and breaks up with me over the phone.

Prior to her leaving, and for about the past 3 months we had been talking a lot about our future, how much we loved each other, and when we'd be able to get married. Most of this type of talk was brought up by her, but I was fully in agreement. I loved her beyond words and I still do. I think about her every day and I wish I could turn my damn dreams off because I dream about her almost every night.

I talked to her a couple of times about 2 weeks after the break up, we agreed to remain friends and she said she'd see me this summer, and that she is always there for me. Then one night she was snapchatting me, for the first time in 3 weeks, and I made her laugh and she was commenting on my design work (I'm a freelance designer) and then hit me with the "I miss you" text. I told her not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about her and that we should see each other over spring break, just to hang out as friends. She said she thinks about me all day, everyday, but needed more time. I told her I would respect that.

So flash forward another week, we start to Snapchat again. I told her she was beautiful, she snapped me back with some cleansing cream all over her face and said 'am I though', I told her she was crazy if she thought that made me think any different. She told me I was killing her, I apologized.

So one of the things she said when she broke up with me was that she didn't see me putting in effort to get a good enough job to support a family, or to live on my own/with her. I agreed it was true. It was a solid kick in the ass. Since that moment I sent my portfolio and resume to every design firm within a 3 hour drive from my house and scored an internship in Manhattan! I am beyond excited. I've also been going non stop, every day with my freelance and personal projects. I am more motivated than I have ever been in my life and haven't slowed down for over a month now, nor do I plan to.

So back to the snapchat session... I told her my dreams were coming true and i wished I had my best friend by my side for it. At which point she tells me she needs to unfollow me on snap and Instagram. It's too hard. I asked why, if it's too hard, don't we talk about it? If she still has legitimate feelings for me, why try to push me away? She told me she needs to see serious changes from me. I asked her, 'can you not already see that I am changing? I love you with all of my heart and i know you live me back'. She said she needed time to see if it was real, and asked 'can you do that for me, can you give me time?'. I told her I could, that it would be the hardest time of my life but I could do it. I told her that I would see her this summer, and I would continue to follow my dreams, keeping her in my heart as I do.

Since then, we haven't talked. But 2 days ago, a mutual friend told me that she is still thinking about me. She told her that she still loves me just as much as she ever did and that she thinks about me every day, and just wants me to get a job so that we can be happy and together again. But she doesn't want to see me before summer. She is using this time to seriously focus on her school work. It made me cry to hear that she said that. I just wanted to tell her I love her and give her the longest hug.

Idk guys, what do you think? I know everyone says move on, she's not worth it, she broke up with you, you're more than a job, it's her loss. But I swear I feel deep down inside of me something I have never felt with any other girl. I feel something pulling me towards her. I feel like we are meant to be. But I'm also a very logical thinker, and that type of talk sounds like such bs to me. But it feels so sooo real. Idk what to think, I'm just trying to immerse myself in my art and over succeed at this internship.

The weird thing is, my parents had nearly the same exact thing happen. My dad left my mom for 4 months, but came back because he realized how much he loved her. My mom took him back and they got married. Have been for 27 years. I hate that story tbh, because I feel like it's giving me false hope, but I don't care. I'll continue hoping, as I try to pretend like I'm moving on. What do you guys think? Will it work out? Should I hold onto hope? Or should I just try to be mad at her for leaving me and cut her out entirely? 💔

Well, your gf has too much pressure on her now, so you should leave her alone until summer. It may be difficult for you, but it's your best chance of her coming back.

Also keep in mind that girls don't know how to break up. They always say that you can still be friends, or that they'll always care for you. But what they reall mean is they're breaking up. I think you may have made some brownie points with her by getting serious about getting a job in your chosen field. She may have felt you weren't very serious and that she would have had to support you if she continued with the relationship. So I think you've got a chance of winning her back, but you've got to wait until summer to see if anything comes of it. You're going to have to keep doing what you're doing to get a job and see what happens this summer.

If the story is just like that, then it was a bad decision for her to break up. There is likely more going on, and she is probably not very good at handling her emotions, behaviors, and/or ideals. There is a possibility she would make even grander bad decisions down the line if you two were to get back together.

In your particular breakup, you should try to evaluate her as a partner. Focus on her negatives for a while in order to ensure you don't have an idealized perception of her. When you talk to people about her and/or find yourself thinking about her longingly, just say to yourself, "well she kinda sucked in this regard" and think "I could do better, find someone like her without her drawbacks." Even if the only drawback you can think of for now is this disastrous way of handling whatever she's handling, it's at least something for you to work with. Seems like she sucked at communicating this issue beforehand -- seems like nothing to break up over during college.

Avoid hating her. She wronged you if this is the case, so don't be afraid to be mad, but sometimes people need to grow up a bit before making stronger commitments. Sometimes people need to simply realize the importance of commitment, and honestly, sometimes it may take loss for them to realize that (which is why no contact is sometimes important).

Don't pretend to move on -- actually work on moving on. Work on independent comfort. Avoid dating, avoid caring about what comes with her, because while she may have been a rad fish, she was only one of the many rad fish in the pond. Redirect your emotional investment into other areas of your life (art/internship). You don't have to move on to somebody else, but if you hold on to hope, you're keeping a lot of your well-being tied up in something that no longer exists, and quite frankly, may never come back. It might be cool if there was reconciliation, but it might also be cool if you met someone else (after you fully healed and became comfortably and happily independent again).

She's focusing on her busywork and thinking of you, and she was already spending a ton of time evaluating your faults and questioning her commitment to you (to the point where she decided to breakup and decided that you weren't worth it). There's a possibility she could start dating someone else in the meantime, which would probably be unhealthy of her, but she'd already decided you are an inadequate partner and moved on enough to end things. You should also focus on your busywork and thinking of her in the same way (focusing on her faults and why she's not the best partner).

There's nothing you can do except focus on yourself, focus on moving on, and accept your status as a successful single guy. I'd personally go no contact to speed up the process, but that's up to you. Do your best to avoid making her a motivation for your success.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like her honesty was a wake up call to set the wheels in motion to motivate yourself to find full time work and get your own place. Keep focusing on your career and self-improvement plan. Go no contact for now. Staying friends is holding you back.

So one of the things she said when she broke up with me was that she didn't see me putting in effort to get a good enough job to support a family, or to live on my own/with her. I sent my portfolio and resume to every design firm within a 3 hour drive from my house and scored an internship in Manhattan!

Yes I think it could work out further down the track. I think she has been honest, and agree with the others. She is focusing on her study right now to ensure she has a good future. Keep doing what you ate doing. I think low contact might be okay - very low for now.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this novel lol ❤️ perhaps it is not true love. I'll do my best to give up hope of us getting back together (although it makes me actually sick to my stomach to do so), and see where it takes me.

Thanks DanZee! I agree, I think she's under too much pressure, and thinking about me and my issues (grandpas just passed away the week before, I'm an athlete recovering from hip surgery, and struggling financially) were too much extra baggage for her. Not that I ever placed these burdens onto her, but my attitude was not the happy, optimistic, go getter type it was prior to those occurrences, which I have since realized and begun to work on. So ya, I'm just gonna try to be the best me possible, and if she comes back, great! If not, someone else is gonna have a solid catch. 😉

Thank you! I agree with everything you said. Especially the part about her making grander bad decisions further down the line. This certainly broke most of the trust I had in her. But I also agree that she may need to grow up a bit to realize the importance of commitment. She's only 21, and I am 25, but I think this loss will help her realize what we had, as well as what she did. If not, good luck to the next kid she "falls in love with". 😅💔

If the story is just like that, then it was a bad decision for her to break up. There is likely more going on, and she is probably not very good at handling her emotions, behaviors, and/or ideals. There is a possibility she would make even grander bad decisions down the line if you two were to get back together.

OP, I am concerned that your ex might simply find another reason to end things if you were to get back together. There is little question that you had a very strong relationship and she clearly did, and still does, love you, but are you sure that her ONLY concern was your career situation? It seems there is a pretty good chance that you could rekindle in the summer, but are you sure that you will not end up in a similar position later down the road? Obviously, only you know enough about your relationship to have a good idea of this, but I encourage you to really ask yourself these kinds of questions.

TreeSaw, three months before this break up, she actually broke up with me. For the same reason. I was simply designing and delivering pizzas, barely getting by. She was always on me about getting a job with benefits that would pay better and to worry about my future, but I had the mindset that I would rather be happy scraping by, and live in the 'now', than to work for a corporation or retail or something, and hate getting up every day.

I realize now that it was fear that was holding me back from applying for a design position, because I am self taught. However, I've since gotten over that fear and thanks to the interviews I attended, my confidence in my work has been dramatically boosted.

The thing is, I was really sad and "depressed" around the last time she broke up with me (due to my hip surgery and barely being able to walk for a few months), and her breaking up with me made me realize that. I told her I would change and get a job in the next few months. I drove 8 hours to see her and talk to her the next day, and she took me back. Unfortunately, my sadness continued to build inside of me and it was an empty promise, as I continued simply freelancing and delivering pizzas, barely changing at all.

I'm sure she could feel my sadness, although I tried not to show it, or make it a problem for her to bare, and that it only added to her stress at school.

Then my grandpa died a little over a month ago. Instead of making me more depressed, which it did for maybe a week or so, it made me realize that sadness is normal, it happens, but it's the way we choose to handle it that matters. I began to feel the sadness lift away, but a week later she broke up with me again. This time for real. Nothing I said could change her mind, because I had obviously broken my promise to change last time.

I am honestly thankful for the death of my grandpa and the loss of my GF, because it has brought to light my faults and taught me valuable lessons. I feel it has changed my entire mindset on life, family, success, emotions, and work ethic, and that I am finally ready to "grow up". I only hope that she will see me as a new person this summer, and at the very least, we can rebuild our friendship from the ground up. I am determined to make these changes in my life permanent. Procrastination has caused me nothing but heartache.

TreeSaw, three months before this break up, she actually broke up with me. For the same reason. I was simply designing and delivering pizzas, barely getting by. She was always on me about getting a job with benefits that would pay better and to worry about my future, but I had the mindset that I would rather be happy scraping by, and live in the 'now', than to work for a corporation or retail or something, and hate getting up every day.

 

I realize now that it was fear that was holding me back from applying for a design position, because I am self taught. However, I've since gotten over that fear and thanks to the interviews I attended, my confidence in my work has been dramatically boosted.

 

The thing is, I was really sad and "depressed" around the last time she broke up with me (due to my hip surgery and barely being able to walk for a few months), and her breaking up with me made me realize that. I told her I would change and get a job in the next few months. I drove 8 hours to see her and talk to her the next day, and she took me back. Unfortunately, my sadness continued to build inside of me and it was an empty promise, as I continued simply freelancing and delivering pizzas, barely changing at all.

 

I'm sure she could feel my sadness, although I tried not to show it, or make it a problem for her to bare, and that it only added to her stress at school.

 

Then my grandpa died a little over a month ago. Instead of making me more depressed, which it did for maybe a week or so, it made me realize that sadness is normal, it happens, but it's the way we choose to handle it that matters. I began to feel the sadness lift away, but a week later she broke up with me again. This time for real. Nothing I said could change her mind, because I had obviously broken my promise to change last time.

 

I am honestly thankful for the death of my grandpa and the loss of my GF, because it has brought to light my faults and taught me valuable lessons. I feel it has changed my entire mindset on life, family, success, emotions, and work ethic, and that I am finally ready to "grow up". I only hope that she will see me as a new person this summer, and at the very least, we can rebuild our friendship from the ground up. I am determined to make these changes in my life permanent. Procrastination has caused me nothing but heartache.

 

Well this actually makes a lot of sense. As you said, these trying events have come to be a blessing in disguise. I would genuinely worry more about your confidence and your own future in the immediate future. Simply trying to change to try to make your ex happy is not enough, changing yourself for the better for your own sake is. If you are truly in a better place with your own confidence and career goals, she will see that change and be much more likely to want to be with you. That and either way, you will have improved yourself! I think giving her space and really figuring yourself out is the key.

Well this actually makes a lot of sense. As you said, these trying events have come to be a blessing in disguise. I would genuinely worry more about your confidence and your own future in the immediate future. Simply trying to change to try to make your ex happy is not enough, changing yourself for the better for your own sake is. If you are truly in a better place with your own confidence and career goals, she will see that change and be much more likely to want to be with you. That and either way, you will have improved yourself! I think giving her space and really figuring yourself out is the key.

Ya man I'm on it! If she doesn't come back it'll be nbd. I'll be well on my way to a better life for myself. If she does come back, start as friends, and see how it feels. Thanks for the support!