So many questions after a breakuo and nowhere to go without feeling judged

Hello everyone,

I'm a 42 year old divorced male with to children. I was married 10 years have an excellent job all my prioroities in line my ex met somebody else and wanted a divorce i'm not dumb I saw it coming and dealt with it with dignity and respect not only for me but also my children. Met someone new after paperwork was filed and had my own place but she was separated and in her on place but still married. She eventually divorced within the year we are from the same small town. We had a relationship for 4 years no fighting no drama but I work 6 days a week and have my kids every other day she also has a daughter but she is with her dad all weekend every weekend thats the only strain we really had that caused problems was my free time but we managed. 1 year ago my mother was diagnosed with alzheimers if anybody has dealt with it you know how terrible the disease is especially on the healthy people I was splitting myself in too many directions and not giving her the time she needed. I asked for a break to get things straight. She never stopped contacting me she would lure me with

s&* dinner helping fix things in her house and I always fell for it. This went on for 4 months, the last time she invited me over for dinner we decided to get back together but im not sure we were even apart. She proceeded to tell me there was a "friend" that she filled her time with he lived away only came on the weekends no child no responsibility they could go where they want. I said I should not be here I had no idea about him and I did not want to interfere. She said he means nothing and will be gone tomorrow if you want I said no you have to make that call and she did. we spent lots of time together then out of the blue one day she says I decided I did have feelings for "friend" and she was done with me. I tried NC and failed I said why did you say all those things and make fun of the way he dressed and looked and how he meant nothing then dump me. She said I don't know I made mistake. This happened in September in November I met a very nice younger woman 10 years younger than me with a good job and from what I can tell has her priorities straight. I was up front with her and told her I'm still healing and went through a bad breakup she is standing by me. I've heard my ex made the comment I'm not being fair to new girl and that I'm not ready for a relationship. I do think of my ex every day I did spend for 4yrs with her and her child so I feel its normal to still think about her. Am I right or wrong? what do I do? who do I talk to? I will say this I really struggled I never believed a broken heart could hurt this bad I didn't eat or sleep well for several weeks and lost 25 pounds I feel she was the one for me. I miss her terribly. Im here looking for advice and not be judged my guy friends don't know what to say and any female friends I have are her friends we were all in the same friend circle thats how we met.

Firstly, sorry you are going through such a tough time. I would not wish these feelings in anyone.

"Am I right or wrong?" You are not wrong in still thinking about your ex. Those feelings are not just going to vanish over night. It takes time.

Starting a relationship with someone else. First off, ignore what your ex says. Her view does not matter anymore. Its good you where honest with this new lady. Maybe take a step back and say you are still recovering from your break but when you are feeling better you would like to see if this leads somewhere.

What do you do? Make your self and your children your number one priority. Treat your self. Hit the gym. Take up a new hobby. Do anything you can to keep busy and start to make yourself happy.

Who do you talk to? I get that not wanting to being judged by your male friends. We live in a society where men are not encouraged to display much emotion. Find a family member or close friend that you can confide in. I would also suggest that maybe you would benfit from some form of therapy. It will give you that safe space to open up without fear of judgement or it getting back to your ex.

I have contemplating therapy because I have no one to vent to. I have vented to the new girl a little but I feel bad doing that. Is it normal to have hope that we could get back together? This truly is my first major broken heart I just don't know how to process all this.

Thank You Piaressss for your response

And I did mess up I begged her to reconsider I was emotional and couldn't help it. It was a natural reaction I guess

You stated you heard your ex make the comment that you are not being fair to the new girl. Unfortunately, she is correct but my question is How did you hear that? Are you still communicating with your ex? If so, you should stop contact. I know you said you tried but try again. As long as you are in contact with her you will not heal and she has made it clear she wants a relationship with another guy. Not you.

She's not being a friend. She is leading you on.

It is good that you were upfront with the new lady. That allows her to make her own decision and not be blindsided but I think you should take time to heal and deal with everything (work, kids, mom) that is going on in your life. Also, you just need time for you.

I have contemplating therapy because I have no one to vent to. I have vented to the new girl a little but I feel bad doing that. Is it normal to have hope that we could get back together? This truly is my first major broken heart I just don't know how to process all this.

Thank You Piaressss for your response

No problen. I too am going through my first ever heart break. I held onto hope for a few months till we met up and she said she no longer loved me. The hope will fade you just have to give it time.

I agree with Imho. Cut the ex from your life completely. It is hard to do but does get better. An example, im supposed to be going on holiday with my ex in a few months. Im not going and losing around $1500. The loss of money is worth my happiness.

And if you need somewhere to vent. Here is a wonderful place to do it. You get alot of great support and advice. It has proved a great place for me and Im sure it will for you too.

Stay strong brother.

When you are pining for your ex, actively wishing you were still with her, etc, no, you are not in any shape to be involved with someone else. Take some time out to be single, sort out your life, sort out your emotions and yourself, figure out how to be a good man in a relationship, then finally get back to dating. She may be your ex, but in this case, her comment about your mental and emotional state was spot on. It was not spiteful, just accurate. Right now you are just using this woman to plug a hole and just because you are being honest with her about it, doesn't make it right.

I do not have Facebook but she does and so does my ex she saw a pic that was posted of us. She also said after the holidays she would sit and talk to me because it all happened so fast. So I asked her and she said she would think about it but did not see what it would accomplish so we aren't going to meet. She brought this up when we were discussing that. She also said from what she sees she doesn't even know who I am anymore its like I'm a completely different person. I agree with time but I also like being in a commited relationship my ex has had the same amount of time to heal also and she has moved on?

I don't ever want to be the reason to make someone feel like I do now. I do not want to do this to the new girl and I have told her that but I do enjoy her company I have my girls every other day of the week. The days I don't have them are the toughest I just sit and think but it is getting better. When I talk to the ex it takes me right back to the start. I deleted her number yesterday but I have it memorized I suppose eventually I will forget it.

DancingFool I appreciate your response but I did that once (or tried she never really let me) and I lost her. The same could happen here. Shes a nice girl she has sat with me many sleepless nights she talks about it with me. I don't know what to do with her

When I say take time out to actually be single, I mean a year or more. You've jumped from marriage straight into a long term relationship, you've now jumped straight from that into another. You are in a situation you are in, because you let that relationship die a death of neglect, yet now you are able to make time for this new woman because you are lonely and hurting. Look at what you are writing - I feel alone and hurt so I'm using her and gosh she happens to be pretty nice to let me. I mean you might not say it quite so harshly, but it's what it boils down to.

From your ex's standpoint, I have no doubt she was patient with you and all you were going through but here is the thing - the moment she dumped you, you suddenly have time for someone else. Of course she doesn't see a point in meeting you or talking. You've burned her and hurt her more than you realize. I really urge you to actually suck it up, deal with your feelings and work on yourself. Find some courage and don't use people to make yourself feel better.

That's true dancing fool but don't you feel that she did also? She was still married legally but separated when she met me. And now shes right back in another relationship same as me.

That's true dancing fool but don't you feel that she did also? She was still married legally but separated when she met me. And now shes right back in another relationship same as me.

We are on here talking about what we think is best for you.

If you jumped in too early there is absolutely no mitigation on your actions if she also did. So don't bother thinking that way. No comparisons. No right or wrongs.

It is just about what you need to be in a better place.

I will admit that I think you need to slam the breaks on relationships at the moment and learn to be comfortably single.

If you can't be comfortably single you cant really be in a healthy and happy LTR.

How old are your kids? Maybe redirect that dating energy into your children and yourself.

They are 13 and 16 and I am very much a huge part of their life, they come first. It was a happy and healthy 4 year relationship until some things happened beyond my control. I am here today to hear advice and find out what is best for me all of this is helping me its the only thing that helped so far.

That's true dancing fool but don't you feel that she did also? She was still married legally but separated when she met me. And now shes right back in another relationship same as me.

She isn't here asking for advice and providing details of what's going on with her. You are. So I can only respond to you and your situation specifically. Try not to compare and try to deal only with yourself. You are the only person you are in control of and only one you can make decisions for and choices for. Maybe it's time to remember who you are as a man, not as a one half of relationship? The other factor too is that when we jump from one to another looking for that quick fix to pain and loneliness, in no way are we in a good state of mind to judge accurately who we are getting involved with. To you, this lady seems oh so nice. Looking objectively from the outside, she has issues. A healthy woman would look at the fact that you aren't even close to being over your ex, aren't ready to be in a healthy relationship with someone else and walk away. She'd tell you to call her once you have taken time to heal and get your head screwed on straight. She wouldn't be around to be used and that has nothing to do with niceness.

To find a truly good partner and right relationship, you have to be in a good place yourself - mentally and emotionally. Healed, over your ex's, clear of past baggage because you've dealt with it and let it go, in a happy place in life and satisfied with a fulfilling life. When you are in such a place, you attract healthy people in the same place. When you are broken, hurting, damaged, you will attract same and are likely to be too blind to see it.

Thanks DancingFool you are exactly right I have also asked myself the same exact questions. It goes through my mind all the time she knows whats going on she sees the sleepless nights and no appetite why does stick around. maybe I'm being honest here and she isn't. I have lots to think about and lots of decisions to make. thank you everyone for the advice its why I came here

You are wrong. It is selfish. This is not fair to the other woman, as you are using her as your therapist. That is really uncool.

Deal with all of your stuff, take time to heal, and address dating in a year.

wow ok. She does have a say in this also she's capable of making her own decisions as is everybody else

She thinks she can change your mind, she also has low self esteem. No others reason to put up with this garbage. Really selfish!

Be a better person, not a user. Deal with this on your own.

Sorry brother...I went through a similar thing last year.... but im in a better place now.....all you can do is move on ....the only amswer for everything is attraction.....the attraction was just gone.....and thats all you need for all the answer for every breakup.....i know its hard to move forward....but when you decide to drop all the hate and anger (which will happen soon).....and just work on urself......life is going to feel great...

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