Different places in life

I have another thread going on here regarding my breakup but here is the situation - I want to know how many women would stay in this scenario:

I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. He is 7 years older than me. We do not live together which was never really a problem since I live with my son and he always has someone staying with him either a daughter or nephew.

He retired 2 years ago with a nice pension. He has health insurance for life. He was worried about retirement and meeting his bills - I had told him when you retire and you feel like you can't afford it - you can move in with me.

Fast forward 2 years later - I am now unemployed and have no income, no unemployment, nothing. He doesn't offer to help me in any way shape or form. He still expects me to pay half the time when we go out.

So basically he is living on easy street while I'm struggling to get by. I am paying health insurance out of pocket for me and my son. If my boyfriend would move in and marry me we would have plenty of money and we could both live life easily - but he won't even talk about it. He is content to do nothing all day while I am struggling. I have been walking dogs and applying for waitressing jobs. Anything for money.

Does anyone else see something wrong with this scenario or is it just me?

Hello LazyDaisy,

Could I offer a male perspective?

In my honest opinion, yes, after 11 years, there is something wrong with this. If he can help, he should.

Good luck x

This question is moot, is it not, since you have broken up and he refuses to talk to you?

Let's say that he came back and wanted to resume the relationship, in which case I'll answer the question: No, I see nothing wrong with this scenario. No one owes you anything. He can have $10 million, and you can have no job and no unemployment, and he still owes you nothing. In fact, if you were to get married, I'd advise him to get a prenup. Note: I'm older than you are (55), and there's not a chance in h*ll I'd do the reverse scenario: marry a guy and pay for him. Sorry.

Your "boyfriend" worked hard and now gets to enjoy the fruits of his labor: he gets to sit on his a** all day long if he wants to, he gets his medical care, and he can play video games all day long if he wants to.

You stayed for 11 years in this situation. You shouldn't have let it go on for more than a year or so without moving forward, if that is in fact what you want. You chose this, every single day, for 11 years. This is up to no one but you.

I was in your very similar reverse scenario until my recent breakup: I'll be able to retire in a few years, and my exBF will always have to work, as he never saved any money. He wanted to move in with me, so that basically, I could foot most of the bills. Since our breakup, he has actually lost his job, so now he's truly at $0. If we were still together, I'd just be there to encourage him in his job search. I might help him with his resume. But financially?

Uh uh. Nope.

I would never have stayed 11 years . If the relationship showed no prospects of going forward after a year or two meh ,done .

I would never get that deep with a guy who acts so childishly and has no ability to resolve conflict. His treatment of your is abusive. Storming out, dumping you and not talking to you for days until you apologize... is abusive. He isn't willing or able to have a real adult relationship. He acts like a toddler when things don't go his way. Why would you want to invite that into your home? Why would you keep putting up with that treatment?

I thought he ran out on you?????

He did run out on me. Im just wandering if i started the fight on some level because of the unequal financial situation that exists.

I would never get that deep with a guy who acts so childishly and has no ability to resolve conflict. His treatment of your is abusive. Storming out, dumping you and not talking to you for days until you apologize... is abusive. He isn't willing or able to have a real adult relationship. He acts like a toddler when things don't go his way. Why would you want to invite that into your home? Why would you keep putting up with that treatment?

I dont know. I guess i have a low opinion of myself. I feel like i cant do any better. I feel like maybe im the problem sometimes.

I dont know. I guess i have a low opinion of myself. I feel like i cant do any better. I feel like maybe im the problem sometimes.

What is so bad about being alone?

Don't stay with someone who treats you like this. His treatment is designed to make you feel low and like you are the one in the wrong. The way he treats you undermines your self worth. Keep him out of your life and you might be shocked at how much better you feel.

No way would I have tolerated that. He had too much freedom and the benefits of a relationship

without the financial responsibility of living together. 11 years is a very long time to be together

and never move towards living together or getting married.

Since you both own homes, one of you could have rented yours out and still lived together

at the others home. Or do you both not own these homes?

He's not responsible to take care of you, though. It's good to maintain your independence

without relying on your partner when you are living separate lives.

Anyway, you are broken up. That man has serious anger issues and difficulty dealing with conflict. Living together under one roof would be chaos. Look at this as a blessing and find a man worth working towards a future with.

It's hard being older, so much baggage to deal with, but if you look without settling, you'll find someone more

compatible.

Thats how i feel. That he was getting the benefits of a relationship but really not contributing very much.

He was married for 18 years and his wife never worked. He supported her 100 percent. Why is it I get nothing?

You should be asking why you put up with his abusive behavior, and want to continue with him. He does not respect or value you. Isn't that enough!

I think I can answer that by asking you, did he have to pay her a large sum of money in alimony

when the divorce was final? If so, there's your answer.

Men and their money do not like to part ways!

Yes. That should be enough. I dont know why im so scared to be alone. I guess i have to work on liking myself more.

Thats how i feel. That he was getting the benefits of a relationship but really not contributing very much.

 

He was married for 18 years and his wife never worked. He supported her 100 percent. Why is it I get nothing?

Well he doesn't owe you anything. He's not breaking promises. He doesn't want that kind of relationship again.

But this stuff isn't the issue. This would be the issue if your relationship was working. Meaning that he could consistently treat you and the relationship with respect even when he was upset. He can't do that. So the more intricate and detailed aspects of your relationship don't matter. Where he lives and what he chooses to do with his money doesn't matter at all.

Another reason why this doesn't matter: he broke up with you. He threw a fit and left on xmas. He isn't speaking to you because he needs you to come crawling back and apologize.

The other details about why you aren't compatible don't matter at this point. There is nothing wrong with your desires to live with a partner and have some help financially. There is nothing wrong with his desire to live alone and not support your financially. If this was your only issue you would have to take it or leave it and neither of you are in the wrong. But this isn't your only issue. It's not even your biggest issue. Your biggest issue is he broke up with you and isn't speaking to you. And next in line is he acts abusive. And the next issue is his inability to communicate and resolve conflict.

Do you really think all of this instability and drama is good fro your child? That is where your focus should be, not on this idiot.

This fellow does not want another wife or even a real relationship. He wants some benefits when he wants them and for you to get lost when he doesn’t. Be happy he is gone.

This fellow does not want another wife or even a real relationship. He wants some benefits when he wants them and for you to get lost when he doesn’t. Be happy he is gone.

Yep. That is exactly what he wants. And ive been a fool to go along with it.

Do you really think all of this instability and drama is good fro your child? That is where your focus should be, not on this idiot.

You are correct. Im going to focus more on my angel.

Yep. That is exactly what he wants. And ive been a fool to go along with it.

Use this as your motivation to never reopen the door to him.

And the well being of your son also, who won't forget how mom's BF ruined Xmas eve and Xmas day with his temper.

Don't be the fool any longer. Be your own advocate.

Use this as your motivation to never reopen the door to him.

And the well being of your son also, who won't forget how mom's BF ruined Xmas eve and Xmas day with his temper.

Don't be the fool any longer. Be your own advocate.

Thank you for the words I needed to hear. Eventually he will probably try to come back. He will get lonely and realize he had it made with me. But I will be long gone.

I need to ask, what is so absolutely terrifying about being "alone"???

I've been "alone" for years and no disasters have befallen me.

I dont make friends easily and right now I have no one I can really call a friend. So that means that I dont have any adult companionship. No one to cook for no one to go out to dinner with. No one to talk to. Its just me, my dog and my 12 year old. I

I dont make friends easily and right now I have no one I can really call a friend. So that means that I dont have any adult companionship. No one to cook for no one to go out to dinner with. No one to talk to. Its just me, my dog and my 12 year old. I

You have your son. Maybe, this is the wake up call you needed. Making your life about one person is UNHEALTHY! Get out and make an effort to meet people and make friends.

I too, am alone. The majority of the time I love it! I made a big effort to meet people and make friends - most from volunteering. I chose to make the effort, and now have a full life. I do enjoy, when I have time to cook for myself.

Like Boltrun, I travel alone most of the time. I get to do what I want, plus I always meet new people.

So, what I do is I go places alone. Yes, can you believe it????!!! A middle aged woman going places alone!!!

I have a great time. I go to bars, restaurants and events alone and I even travel alone! And nothing horrifying has ever happened to me. I always meet people and have conversations.

You're luckier than others. I have children but they are adults and live several hundred miles away. So yeah, I can sit home alone with my cat or I can get out there. I choose to get out there.

You can decide to sit home by yourself or you can take yourself (and your child) and get out there. I know what I'd choose.