He Really Likes Me, But He's Scared

Hi, reader!

Last summer I met a guy from the Netherlands (I'm in the eastern US) on another forum and we became friends pretty quickly. Eventually I started to fall for him and I got the feeling that he might like me too, so earlier this month, after some encouragement from another friend, I told him how I felt. He said that he was glad I told him and that he felt the same way, but he was too worried about the distance.

As it turns out, he told me about how he had an LDR before which ended badly (I hadn't known this) and that he is scared of something like that happening again. He said I'm one of his best friends and that he would definitely date me if he knew me in real life, but when it comes to an LDR he doesn't want to risk our friendship. Of course, I tried to be as understanding as possible and I told him we could move on. So we did, and now we've just been chatting about normal things like usual: music, movies, stuff we've been doing in real life, etc.

But I just can't seem to get over my feelings for him, and part of me wants to bring it up again. I think our friendship is strong enough that we could still be friends if it failed, and since our feelings for each other are both pretty strong, why not try it...? However, I'm aware that telling him this could backfire and he might get really upset at me... I wouldn't want him to feel like I'm trying to "convince" him to be in a relationship with me. I mean yeah the distance is pretty big, but I could probably visit him over the summer, though it could only be for a short time.

We are both 18 by the way.

I guess I'm posting this here in order to get this off my chest and also to get some thoughts on the situation. I only know him on this particular forum (we've added each other on deviantArt but we don't talk much there); we've shared pictures of ourselves and clips of our voices with each other, but we haven't video chatted and I'm not sure if he'd be comfortable with that...

Of course my other option is just to try to move on from him. Maybe all this pining after him is really dumb and I need a metaphorical slap in the face? I have to remind myself that I'll be going off to college next fall, and I'll be meeting a lot of new people, and that being in an LDR at that stage in my life might start to feel... difficult. But at the same time I think he might be worth it.

Thank you very much if you read this whole thing. I know it's kinda long, but I would really appreciate any thoughts!

Hi OP,

I was in a LDR with somebody a state away for a year and a half and I only got to meet him twice during that entire time. We told each other we would be friends if a relationship didn't work out. Never happened. In fact I despise the guy but that's a different story. We skyped so that's how I knew he was real. This guy may not be who he says he is so be cautious. Don't go flying off to another Country for what he is a stranger. Also if he just wants friendship listen to him. If a guy just wants to be friends he means it. Your going off to college soon you said and there will be plenty of new guys there. I hate to say but those feelings you have for him are fantasy and not real. I know this from first hand. It's a euphoria because you don't know him in person so you build up an image of him in your mind. The perfect guy!

I would still keep him as a friend but start looking close to home.

Good luck,

Lisa

I think you have painted a picture of him in your mind, but have no idea if the reality matches that. Why have you two not at least video chatted? At this point, you can't be sure that the person you're talking to is the same person in the pictures you've received. He might be lovely, or he might be completely different from what you imagine.

At your ages and geographical positions, a long-distance relationship isn't very feasible - especially when he's already told you he doesn't want to try. I am not sure what telling him again that you like him will accomplish, other than hurting you when he reiterates his position on this.

Follow limchelle's advice and try dating locally. You will find it much more satisfying.

It's better to keep someone you don't know in real life as a penpal and date local, real life guys.

He said I'm one of his best friends and that he would definitely date me if he knew me in real life

he is right. it would be a "relationship" without perspective. sooner or later, you'd have to smell the coffee and deal with the fact you're emotionally invested in something that won't materialize in an actual relationship, deal with the loss and regain yourselves.

no offense at all to anyone's emotional maturity, but maneuvering the vicissitudes of one's emotional energy after any kind of loss of significant others is uncomfortable enough for people much older than yourselves, and those with unusual psychological aptitude and self management as well. he is simply reluctant with reason about you both having to deal with the getting "over" something that was never "here" in the first place.

he isn't videochatting because he doesn't want to engage in behaviors that would give the false impression of you being nearer (in all meanings) than you factually are. the more you make yourself believe the distance isn't here to stay, the harder reality will slap you. it is as if you are set on indulging in a fantasy like it wouldn't hurt to hit the ground after, but he is clearly of the experiental opinion that it does hurt.

of course, perhaps there's someone you don't know about, or he's simply not that into you,

but his simple reasoning that you can't fake in absence what you can live in flesh for very long before you have to face reality is more than valid enough on its own.

it doesn't sound like you are in touch with him for any reason other than romantic expectations

and i think if you don't or can't really accept his stand you're setting yourself up for disillusionment with a vengeance if you keep insisting.