What is going on ? Spending birthday with ex

I met the love of my life 9 months ago on Valentines day. We hit it off right away and even though We both wanted it to stay casual ("friends with benefits") it was never at that level. We had too much in common, we spent nearly every day together, we spoke about childhood, careers, dreams etc. He told me things he said he'd never told anyone.

 

But it was a difficult time - I had just lost both my parents and he had just come out of a 4 year relationship (he met me 3 weeks after) where she had cheated on him. For these reasons we kept saying it was casual. But it never was. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 6 months of "seeing each other" (exclusively and during which time we'd met each other's family, friends, he had come to my graduation and we had been on holiday). It was the same as it had always been for a month.

 

And then something changed. It's like a black cloud engulfed him. He started doing stupid things. He would snap at me for the smallest things, he had a problem of aggression when he drank and it was always me in the firing line for a fight. He was obviously in a bad place - he would sit on the bed and stare into space, he stopped seeing his friends, he got angrier over the smallest thing. After an argument about him cancelling on me and my friend he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship (about 7 months in). He said he felt like a part time boyfriend and that it hurt him to watch me give everything and get nothing back. After about an hour or two of talking about it he said he couldn't let me go - that the anxiety he felt about getting his heart broken again was nothing compared to losing me. We agreed to make this work, he would have to have more time to fix his problems.

 

All was well for about a month until he made the biggest mistake and let his female best friend (more like a sister - I believe him when he said nothing happened) sleep in our bed after a night out. He said it was a stupid slip of judgement and that he needed me to know that it was nothing and he regretted it. I walked out on him for a week - in this time he was constantly trying to talk to me, constantly apologising, sending me flowers, love letters etc. People told me to end it. But I couldn't. When I met up with him to do it, he was more broken than I had ever seen him. He said he wouldn't hang out with her on their own again and that he had finally realised what people meant when they said you don't know what you've got til it's gone. I told him things needed to change - he said that was the case. He told me that he had finally realised all the he was saying about not being ready for a relationship was so far off the mark - he wanted me, and he wanted our relationship and faced with losing that destroyed him. When I said we could give it another try and rebuild trust he was brought out of the dark cloud I had seen him in for the last month. After hours of taking he said "I love you". I was so happy.

 

After all this, there was still small, but manageable anger about what happened from me. He was trying though - he would walk to mine in the middle of the night to comfort my night terrors, he planned my birthday, he talked about us going on holiday again in the new year. He was encouraging of my career, he hung out with me and my nephew. And then the breaking point came. On Thursday he text me to say that the friend had turned up at the coffee shop he worked at and she was waiting for her boyfriend there, and that he hoped that was okay. I flew off the handle - accused him of being a liar and hurting me again. At first he tried to reassure me but then he got angry. How could he win if he was trying to be honest, he had had no contact with her for month and had told her when she first came in that what they did nearly destroyed us, and that they could no longer have the friendship they had had. I was so angry I couldn't be rational about it. I turned up when he finished work and cried about it. He said he didn't understand what he could do. I wanted him to understand. He said heightened reactions from me made this relationship difficult. I asked why he stayed with me and he said he loved me.

 

He went out with his friends and I went out with mine. He collected me in a taxi about 3 in the morning. He seemed weird. He told me it wasn't working and I should break up with him. I told him I couldn't do that and I loved him. He was wasted and said the only way I'm ever gonna break this off is when I'm drunk. So I slept alone in our bed and he slept on the couch. I moved in with my friend Saturday night. I'm heartbroken. He keeps ringing me for 2 hours a time. He tells me loves me, that our love was the strongest he's ever felt. That hes so sorry this happened. That he wanted to see me and not seeing me on my birthday this week will kill him. That hes tempted to fix things and try and win me back. That it's the hardest decision he's made and he will regret it. That he wants me to come home. But he says he's in a really bad place. He's admitted he has a drinking problem and he's scared he'll turn into his dad. He finally admitted he had depression and he felt numb when he wasn't with me. He said he loved me and he wanted me more than anything but he couldn't drag me along with him when he was trying to fix this and he had already hurt me too much.

 

He said he met me at the wrong time and he wish it had been when he was over the last relationship - that it wasn't her he missed that was the problem, but the feeling of being cheated on. I'm devastated. We keep saying we love each other. I want to help him through this but I don't know how to approach that.

 

Anyway yesterday was my birthday and I spent all day with him. He kept hugging me and crying and saying he loved me. He said he wants me in his life but his problems have stopped him being able to be in a relationship. He text me as soon as I left ad asked me to ring him last night. I didn't. He text me this morning asking how I was.

 

I'm devastated. Is there any hope ?

paragraphs, please. so hard to read...

Sorry have added spaces

Well, I read it and the first thing that came to my mind is why did you punish him for something that was out of his control? She came to his place of work... he didn't go to her's or call her to come to his so your reaction to her showing up there was over-the-top IMO.

 

He is currently depressed and anxiety ridden over not having you in his life but suffering when he is. This is a mere 9 moth relationship that should the two of you just go zero contact, you'll heal from the breakup and be able to get with people that don't give each other panic attacks.

 

You can't forgive him for her sleeping in your bed? If they didn't do anything and you say you believe that he didn't then what, may I ask has you so freaked out about it? He's kept his distance from her (other then when SHE showed up and he was good enough to inform you of it wherein you freaked the heck out).

 

I think the two of you, if you're too weak to go zero contact so you can get over one another need couples counselling because as you are with one another now, its emotional abuse. You of him and him of you.

I think he is bad news for you. The "Dark cloud" was his true nature coming out. He has a problem with anger and with alcohol and poor judgement.

 

I don't care if nothing happened or how good of a friend she is, you don't let a member of the opposite sex crawl into bed and sleep with you (even platonically) if that's the bed that belongs to you and your spouse or significant other. It is admirable if she was drunk to not let her drive home, but there are sofas, sleeping bags, etc, that she could have used -- or gave up the bed and he slept on the couch with your knowledge. He is a grown adult that should no that by now. btw, no one should offer the bed of someone who is not present. You wouldn't let a friend sleep in a roommates bed without the roommate offering it, right?

 

The problem is that both of you feel that breaking up is not an option because you "love him", etc.

 

I think you need to put him behind you.

 

He won't even break up with you -- he tells you that YOU should break up with him and he is also guilting you and making you responsible for his feelings when he said it would kill him to not spend your birthday with you -- when its YOUR birthday to decide who you should spend it with. Don't give in to that!

 

 

AND YOU are the one who has a right to be confused or depressed about losing your parents - and he is acting like his life is such a depressing tragedy and you need to be there to make him feel less bad like its your responsibility

I think you share a little responsibility for the break up, because the cause of his depression might be because of your jealousy over his female friend. He loves you, but as the other advice writers have pointed out, you freaked out when he let his drunk friend stay over and when she showed up at work just to talk to him. It sounds like you were trying to alienate him away from his friends. I'm guessing you're a bit demanding and controlling and that may have caused him to have a dark cloud hanging over him and why he's angry and been drinking. He didn't want to call you out for it, so instead he internalized it, blaming himself. But I think he expected you to break up with him because he's not meeting the rules you've set for him. Maybe you can learn from this break up when you move on to your next relationship.

I don't care if nothing happened or how good of a friend she is, you don't let a member of the opposite sex crawl into bed and sleep with you (even platonically) if that's the bed that belongs to you and your spouse or significant other.

Then she should have broken up with him and spared him her wrath. You don't get to keep someone and punish them ad nauseum because what they did is a deal breaker but you're (the general you) are to weak to call it over with.

He told me he expected anger off me about that incident. And we have discussed it before she turned up at his work, and he felt that it was his responsibility to earn trust again. I shouldn't have flew off the handle about that, but emotions are unpredictable and that's just what I felt.

 

His depression may have been exacerbated by what was going on with us, but was clearly present long before this happened. He was going through employment issues, family had started to fall back into addiction habits, and he was still experiencing feeling hurt from being cheated on.

 

He's been in constant contact since my birthday, asking how I am and telling me what he's doing with his days.

 

It wasn't a perfect relationship obviously, but i do think there was a lot of love there. I think the question I'm trying to ask regardless of how badly things have got, is there a possibility of this working in the future? And why is he maintaining contact?

I don't think he was suddenly depressed. i think the initial thrill of meeting/the best foot forward you have when you first start to date wore off. If he has been in constant contact, I hope you are not responding back. I would not try to work it out - you want someone who puts you first (you are not set aside for whatever need a female friend may be perceived to have at the moment), that doesn't tell you to break up with him and actually wants you, Someone that doesn't just want you when you appear to be walking out the door. The guy that is ready for a relationship and right for you will not yell at you, get skunk drunk, etc. --- at 8-9 months they should be treating you with respect and have their act together

He told me he expected anger off me about that incident. And we have discussed it before she turned up at his work, and he felt that it was his responsibility to earn trust again. I shouldn't have flew off the handle about that, but emotions are unpredictable and that's just what I felt.

Then I suggest that you work on you so that you handle those emotions with a tad more maturity. Use logic rather then your emotions more often. The logic here is that he was not in control of what she did (he didn't invite her to his work) so be angry that she showed up but don't take it out on him or blame him for WHAT SHE DID.

 

His depression may have been exacerbated by what was going on with us, but was clearly present long before this happened. He was going through employment issues, family had started to fall back into addiction habits, and he was still experiencing feeling hurt from being cheated on.

Then in general, he was not ready for a relationship and you would do well to recognize that sort of thing or you may just fall into another dysfunctional relationship with someone who isn't going to be a good partner yet again in the future.

 

He's been in constant contact since my birthday, asking how I am and telling me what he's doing with his days.

So? Has he told you that he's getting therapy for his unresolved issues, depression, past relationship baggage? He's the same mess if he hasn't. You keeping in contact with him is stalling you from healing, working on your own over the top emotional reactions and being ready to meet someone new who you actually can have a healthy relationship with.

 

It wasn't a perfect relationship obviously, but i do think there was a lot of love there.

Having love is NEVER enough to keep a relationship together in a happy healthy humming along way. Its just not... as you've found out.

 

I think the question I'm trying to ask regardless of how badly things have got, is there a possibility of this working in the future? And why is he maintaining contact?

He's maintaining contact because you respond. There is no possibility of it working out in a healthy way in the future if neither of you do the work you need to do to change. Oh, he may come back but the same mess will just develop more likely then not. same issues, same end result.