Dating anxiety - afraid of guilt and confusing people

Hi! This is probably the other side of things. There are many topics everywhere about people afraid of being rejected or heartbroken. I'm not a bad looking girl and I've never experience rejection or being let go. However, I'm extremely afraid of hurting people. I always know it will go to and it will be all on me. I consider myself undateable, I never want to be in a relationship or flirt again, and I want to buy myself a one way ticket to the moon to avoid the risk of messing someone. And this might be not entirely grounded in reality, as I never deliberately hurt anyone and always tried to do as little harm as I could.

A couple of facts about me:

1) I have a hard time saying no, I'm often too nice and end up leading people. Once I bought someone a teddy bear as a "sorry for refusing to hookup with you when you insisted so much". Basically I have low self-esteem.

2) I tend to be nice to everybody and all kinds of freaky people are drawn to me in hope of finally being liked.

3) I end up liking many o anyway, because I'm easily fascinated with other people. This fascinations come and go and I try my best not to reveal them, to not confuse other people or lead them on. If they notice anyway, I'm doomed.

4) When the crush isn't mutual on my side, I have no idea how to get rid of someone who likes me that way, but doesn't give enough clear signals to confront him, and is deep in the friendzone. I feel guilty of letting that situation happen and dragging it, but I honestly don't know what to do.

5) When there is a mutual crush, I end up being extremely enthusiastic. I have a lot of sexy thoughts about this person. I completely adore them and it's hard to hide it. In my head I already plan our grandchildren's getting married. And the gymnastics of hiding all that excitement is very exhausting. I will draw you portraits, have a special playlist, and I will use online generator to create dolls of us to cuddle. However, these crushes may soon go away - and I always prefer to believe they will, instead of checking it and hurting someone in the process.

6) Most often it turnes out there's not enough chemistry or mental compatibility, because I'm picky lol. And rarely really chemically attracted to someone.

7) I would like to tell someone straight away "run for your life cause I'm flaky and unreliable", but it's too hard to do that when I'm daydreaming and fantasising so much about that person, and I play with hope, but know nothing will really happen and it will go to like everytime.

8. I don't go to dates, cause meeting with people and rejecting them after one beer would be just the most horrible experience for me - and I would reject 90% of people after the first beer.

9) I don't hookup, because it's not something I want to do anyway.

10) I've never had a short-term relationship - I don't try the short ones, because I already see them failing before they began with my overthinking mind that can see the future.

11) I was in one long-term relationship which lasted 9 years. At the beginning, I told him I'm afraid I'll fall out of crush like always, but he decided to risk it anyway. We told each other we will try to be friends if things won't work out. 9 years later, they didn't - I broke up with him because I realized he wasn't enough for me. He's hurt, it's my fault, and we're not friends anymore, like we promised each other.

12) Due to this, I'm completely romantically broken, but lonely, with a big "vulnerable" sign on my forehead, I attract a lot of people right now, and I'm lonely and attracted to a lot of people too. I want to tell them "get away it's not safe here" but I honestly don't know where to start.

Any advice?

Also, if someone knows any similar thread, this would be appreciated, cause I don't see much information on the internet about these specific problems.

Also, where I can find a goddamn ticket to the moon, and are you certain there are no boys there.

It's okay to be attracted to people, and it's okay not to be attracted to people. It's okay to reject someone; they'll survive. You and I are people pleasers, so that makes us vulnerable and to not want to hurt anyone. I get that; that's pretty common.

Something you seem to do though is take it to the extreme. No matter what you do, even if you provide 100% of effort -- no, even if you are 100% perfect, you will still upset people for that. There is no stopping that; it is as certain as death and taxes. If you challenged yourself for two or three days, and just experimentally did what YOU wanted (while still being honest, moral, lawful), I think you would find this extremely liberating. If you're not comfortable doing this in real life, give someone some honest feedback through this forum as practice.

Regarding love/infatuation, one thing you might want to do is LET yourself feel deeply as you do. I understand falling hard and fast, but what I don't understand is that you let yourself fall inside, yet you don't let yourself express and explore that fall on the outside. Enough iterations of you falling in and out of love, and it will feel less controlling over your life, so I challenge you to just roll with it for once.

I give the opposite advice to people who can't seem to find love strong enough: starve yourself for a while. So, instead, you may want to consider surrounding yourself with it.

So long as you have the attitude of "I'm flaky and unreliable" - that's what you're going to project and attract. It sounds like you don't necessarily LIKE those things about yourself... so maybe instead of focusing on not giving people the wrong idea about you/your interest, focus on addressing those for yourself? (It'll actually naturally address the other things too, since it'll help you learn boundaries for yourself and others by learning to say what you mean/mean what you say.)

If you find that ticket to the moon, let me know. I'd like to go too. (But only for a while. I just need some peace and quiet!)

Well.....I mean if you genuinely don't want to be cruel, then the kindest thing you can ever be to someone is be honest and say "no thanks" when you aren't interested in whatever they are asking for or offering to you. Anything less than that is actually cruel. So I find it incredibly ironic when people say "I don't want to be mean", but you are actually being mean by being dishonest. IF you care to be genuinely honest with yourself, then it's not that you are so concerned about other people's feelings it's that you don't want to deal with your own personal emotions and discomforts and communicate with people honestly because that would require serious work on yourself.

Please understand that when people approach you, they assume that if their offer is not acceptable, that you are mature enough and in control of yourself enough to say "no thanks". They are presuming that acceptance/rejection is about 50/50 and the only thing that is truly aggravating is when someone responds with some form of wishy washy confusing mumbo jumbo leaving you to figure out what the heck that person really meant - yes or no. Rejection happens every single day, multiple times per day. It's as much part of life as breathing and isn't some catastrophic, life changing event. Most barely notice it as in it's not even a blip on their radar. People shrug and move on. It's actually incredibly arrogant to presume that you are so special and hold so much power over people that they will just be devastated by your rejection. Think on that long and hard.

I don't go to dates, cause meeting with people and rejecting them after one beer would be just the most horrible experience for me - and I would reject 90% of people after the first beer.

So instead, you reject 100% of people 100% of the time, and equate that with being broken, and sound unhappy about it. Is there any way you can see this differently? It's not cast in stone, and life is a learning and growing process IF you live it. Can you create a new list with positive aspects to being you?

Thank you guys for advice!

@Pleasedonot5 - Thanks for nice words, it sounded very calming and encouraging. I'll try to experiment with that attitude. Today I told my friend there are hair in cake that she baked, after finding a fifth one in one piece For the previous four I kept silent She apologized but was cool about it, and it felt nice to be honest for no reason.

@Liraele - Hm... actually, why and how could I change the way I feel? It's just my personality. On the outside, I put effort to be responsible and predictable. Inside, I get intensely fascinated with things and people everyday and it quickly passes. It's just the way things are, sometimes I wish I was different, but I don't think that there's something inherently wrong about it. I just wonder how to interact with other people taking this into consideration. Because I don't think other people should get close taking into account how things are with me. And I don't mean sex.

@DancingFool - Thanks for your thoughts. I wrote about so many things, mostly as a background, but my current problem is that I need to say "no thanks" at the moment of being totally interested in someone, if I don't want to be cruel, because I know how things will turn out, from experience. It's hard and not a common thing to do.

@journeynow - I guess I can spot some good qualities about myself?... I'm a great friend to a few people, I'm good at some stuff, and I admire myself for a couple of qualities. If I'm rejecting 100% of people, that's fine, because I don't NEED to be with someone. Honestly I'd prefer to avoid the trouble and live low profile, but my bubbly personality tend to attract other opportunities.

If you are determined that things will not work out, then you are going to be correct 100% of the time. There are different types of honesty. If you aren't interested in a serious relationship, but would like a fun fling, you can be honest and up front about that. Whoever takes that on, it's because they are on the same page with you and aren't looking for more. So it's a situation where nobody is going to get hurt because the expectation is limited to short term, short lived fun.

Even when looking for something serious, nobody can guarantee that things will work out that way. When people go out on a date they are only agreeing to be fun company for those couple of hours and no more. Then you go home and think on whether you'd like to see this person again or not. Dating is a one step at the time process and failure is pretty much expected. You'll fail a lot, you'll get rejected a lot, you will reject a lot. Through the whole process, you learn who you are and who you need in your life for things to work and eventually you might meet that right match and things will work out. BUT, you can't just look at the person and go "Well I'm interested, but I've already decided this will fail." You can't take yourself so seriously and you really really can't place such expectations of KNOWING the future right away on yourself or anyone else either. Open your mind.

We all go through times in our lives when we are just not ready to date. You can adopt this policy consciously for as long as it suits you, and then work on those aspects of yourself that have you saying 'yes' to ANYone whenever you want to say 'no'.

Learning to say, "No, thank you, that doesn't work for me..."without excuses, apologies, explanations or offering to compensate in some way is a core skill that we ALL need to develop if we want to navigate socially without ripping up our own stomach lining. So skip dating until you've learned the skill and have become well practiced at it.

One place to start: quit viewing yourself as 'too nice,' which is just another phrase for manipulative. This position assumes that we can control the thoughts of others, which oversteps to own a job that is not ours to own. We are responsible for our intentions, behaviors and words. Period. How those are interpreted by others is outside of that scope, and trying to control those impressions is not only a losing battle given that everyone perceives through a unique lens, but it's also disrespectful to those who need to learn how to HEAR 'No'.

When you can grow comfortable with the premise, "When I say no, I mean No. Anyone who interprets that badly can get over it in their own time...." then you may want to stick your big toe into dating waters. Until then, relax into this time of learning and build confidence in the discretion that comes with maturity.

Head high.

Living like that will give you tons of anxiety and stress.

I totally get it, if someone is complementing you, being nice to you, it's flattering, how can you tell them, " I'm not interested" when they are being so nice/ kind to you and praising you ? After the praising is done, of course you won't feel comfortable turning them down, you will feel like you are being rude, mean, unappreciative etc.

I had this problem and still somewhat have this problem too !

And like you, I don't find myself attracted to that many people at all, when I finally meet someone that am actually attracted to mentally, emotionally and physically, they tend to be taken (married or in long term relationships) or they are not interested, or only interested in casual sex. I am dating someone now though, I met him at a cooking class of all places ! lol, it's been going pretty well with some minor hiccups that we have fixed.

Try being less approachable, keep to yourself and if a guy comes up to you, be polite, but don't be smiling too much or keeping the conversation going for too long, that can give the impression to the guy, that you like his company, are attracted to him, and then he sticks around like glue. The few and far in between men that you DO actually like and are attracted to, THOSE are the men you need to be smiling at, conversing with, laughing together, have a good time with.

Don't feel bad or apologize for not being attracted to someone, we can't help who we are attracted to, we simply like what we like. And also, any guy that aggressively keeps pushing you for a date or makes you feel bad for turning him down, is someone that's pretty egotistical and aren't interested in you anyways because when you like someone, you want what's best for them and for them to be happy, even if that's not with you, forcing them to date you when they clearly don't want to is not love on your part it's selfishness and that's what those men do and are so do NOT feel bad to say "no". How else are you going to find the right guy for you if you say yes to the wrong ones that you don't want ? You can't right ? So don't feel bad.

Thank you guys for advice!

 

 

@Liraele - Hm... actually, why and how could I change the way I feel? It's just my personality. On the outside, I put effort to be responsible and predictable. Inside, I get intensely fascinated with things and people everyday and it quickly passes. It's just the way things are, sometimes I wish I was different, but I don't think that there's something inherently wrong about it. I just wonder how to interact with other people taking this into consideration. Because I don't think other people should get close taking into account how things are with me. And I don't mean sex.

"Flaky and unreliable" aren't necessarily set personality traits. If you were to enter into a relationship with someone, and someone you really liked, wouldn't you want them to feel they could depend on you and vice versa? This doesn't even have to be dating... it'd be applicable for friendships too.

Your post is kind of all over the place, so that just happened to be what I focused on.

It's not cruel to say to someone: "I think you're nice, but I don't think dating is going to work out for us." It's actually far kinder than the majority of other methods. It might bruise someone's ego initially, but they'd thank you in the long run for being honest and not wasting their time.

A way to work on that is just saying no to things you don't want in general. Don't agree to do things you don't *really* want to do, etc. It all carries over from creating good boundaries for yourself, and you can start small with it to get used to it. Saying no to a friend you love who invites you to something you aren't really wanting to do. Being specific about a food order (no croutons on my salad, please!) Little things that most people don't even consider boundary-setting are actually the foundations for that... and telling people when you're not interested is just a higher level of boundary. Start small and work your way up if it's daunting for you.

Living like that will give you tons of anxiety and stress.

 

I totally get it, if someone is complementing you, being nice to you, it's flattering, how can you tell them, " I'm not interested" when they are being so nice/ kind to you and praising you ? After the praising is done, of course you won't feel comfortable turning them down, you will feel like you are being rude, mean, unappreciative etc.

 

I had this problem and still somewhat have this problem too !

 

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Try being less approachable, keep to yourself and if a guy comes up to you,

Naaahhh, sorry, you don't need to pretzel yourself to become 'less approachable' to people when you can develop trust in yourself to handle manipulation when you see it.

Flattery can be kind OR manipulative, depending on how it's used. If it's offered freely, then it's a gift--not a contract that obligates you to behave the way someone else might wish.

Practice being open and receptive while also observing people carefully. You can accept compliments graciously without a need to interpret them as anything more than that. Should a guy ask you for your number or a date, if you're not interested, that's the time to say, "I'm not available to date, but thank you for the compliment." If he pressures you for an explanation, you don't need to be harsh as you simply repeat yourself, "I'm not available to date, but thanks again."

Rinse, repeat as necessary.

If we 'owed' everyone what they want simply because they've said something nice to us, we'd all be stripped down and broke. Consider yourself as kindly doing someone a favor by teaching them how to be gracious about being tuned down. That's all you need to know, and how they handle that is their own business.

Head high.

I'm a great friend to a few people, I'm good at some stuff, and I admire myself for a couple of qualities.

This is a start. Now, work on a list as detailed as your opening post. I'm serious. It's a good practice for anyone as a way to focus mind and energy and gain a new perspective on your current and future self.

@Pleasedonot5 - Thanks for nice words, it sounded very calming and encouraging. I'll try to experiment with that attitude. Today I told my friend there are hair in cake that she baked, after finding a fifth one in one piece For the previous four I kept silent She apologized but was cool about it, and it felt nice to be honest for no reason.

That's progress! Maybe you'll get to a point soon enough where you would say something on the second hair? See, your friend was cool with your honesty. It's kind of liberating to be polite but direct, no?