The longest "want my ex back" story...ever! (possibly)

Hi everyone,

I used to post here several years ago after going through a "very" tough breakup and...well...there's been a development...of sorts...with the said ex, im sure some of you are gonna flame me for this post, but i'd love your help regardless!

Cliff notes:

- Dated seven (yes seven) years ago - met online + it was long distance

- She was heavily into me, but i didn't commit, acted like an idiot, took her for granted etc

- We drifted apart, but it was more like i made her break up with me (i.e. she had had enough of my crap), she met someone else, i panicked, wanted her back, acted very needy, really p*ssed her off

- I went NC

- She got married (i think to the guy she met after me)

- Made contact via FB few years later whilst she was still married, but kinda lost it again with her as she kept asking if i was married too which wound me up, I looked like an idiot...again

- Got the feeling she was having marriage issues (looked like her old dating profile was online! and seemed like it had been for quite a while)

- By pure fluke ended up on first date with her cousin just a few months ago.

- "Fairly" sure she's going through a divorce atm - her fb is just pics of her on her own, plus her cousin hinted at it

- I made contact just last weekend (sat eve about 9pm), exchanged a handful of friendly messages (a few smileys/lols), but then she vanished again i.e. she left a simple question unawswered

Now my question is, what do i do now??

But also is this more complicated than that i think? because there is,and always was a strange dynamic here, although i was kinda the dumper (because, to be honest i did let her go) i became the dumpee...x 10!

Oh and to make it clear, i definitely would like to get back together, and kinda always have if im honest...she's the one that got away perhaps. But I also know how important it is to be right mentally i.e. basically be over them first...which i think i virtually am, well......95% anyway

Because when i made contact with her last week, i was cool about it, and wasnt bothered about the fact she didnt reply to my last text (which was basically "what have you been up to?"), but now it's been a week and she hasn't replied i've felt more insecure/needy about it! Although I feel a bit better today, been 8 days.

Anyway whats going through my head is should i text again??? And going back to my point, if anyone needs to make the effort here..is it me?? Or is it her? Also is this just a power game for her?

P.s. I am "much" stronger than before, it's been so long after all, but she/this situation can clearly "still" make me feel a little bit weak ...damn you exe's

P.p.s. I think my other main question is should I be reaching out? And should I fear reaching out? Because i kinda am (if than makes sense?)

Don't text again....think of the tennis analogy....you hit the ball over the net and wait for it to be returned...you don't keep blasting balls over the net!!

Give her space...she is going through a tough time emotionally...you don't want to be the rebound, when she hasn't got her head and heart together.

First of all, you don't know that she's going through a divorce. And to be quite honest, if she felt you were "the one" she wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I don't think she felt as strongly as you did.

I really do feel you are beating a dead horse here and even if she agreed to try to reconcile,you would only be a rebound at this point.

I am not flaming you at all, OP. But you need to move on. This isn't the woman of your dreams and no way could she feel the same things as you if she replaced you.

You are looking for something here that you will not find.

You need to leave the past in the past and move onwards and upwards. You are holding onto something that was never real and never will be. But I also think that maybe you're

holding onto this fantasy as a means to not move on, out of fear. Fear that you can't do better or if you do find someone else that you won't be able to maintain it and so on.

It's always much easier to live in a fantasy of an old ex than to be in the here and now and with someone new.

If she actually is going through a separation or divorce, her mind is just not going to be with you. She has other priorities than some guy she dated 7 years ago, to be blunt.

Unless she replies to you, there is no next move here. As a woman, if I wanted to keep a connection going, I wouldn't let a week of silence pass. She's not interested, my friend.

Where do each of you live?

Did you ever actually meet in person? Are you still long distance?

Oh and to make it clear, i definitely would like to get back together, and kinda always have if im honest...she's the one that got away perhaps. But I also know how important it is to be right mentally i.e. basically be over them first...which i think i virtually am, well......95% anyway

Why do people say this? How can you get back together if you're already over your ex?

Did you date after her or just Pine away for her while she was married and moving on with her life?

I knew i'd get flamed

Interesting how the female (i assume?) perspectives differs so greatly from the male perspectives here don't you think?? But, sorry i digress, thank you all for your comments so far, even the ones i dont want to hear

I can't say for certain she is going through a divorce but as i mentioned i there are several major clues that indicate this, but i appreciate this sounds flimsy. But the fact she was texting me on a sat evening even seemed odd to me.

seanryder - thanks, i needed that reminder, and yes one-way traffic is never good! And thanks for the PM.

SherrySher & MissCanuck - Harsh but fair comments! And SherrySher - yes maybe fear is playing a part here, but if im honest i was an idiot at the time and the fear doesn't necessarily mean my judgement is clouded IMO, or maybe it does?

HollyJ - We're approx 100 miles apart, although when we dating the distance was never an issue

TomThumb - The last time we met in person was six years ago when i attempted (badly) to reconcile, we are still in our respective home towns i.e. approx 100 miles away. Our sporadic and intermittent communication in between those years has been via text/fb.

Disenchanted - Im not sure what you mean? I was trying to imply that (i always thought) you were better trying to reconcile with an ex when dont "need" them as much? That seems to be the correct mindset no?

kbbcoop77 - I dated multiple women in that time, several serious relationships, which is why it bugged me that i've never "completely" stopped thinking about her.

You should suck it up and just contact her again. All of this speculation is putting you in your head and driving you mad. Stay cool.

The thing is though, if she is going through a divorce, it is so not the right place or right time. She is mourning her marriage and she is not in a good place. She was in love with her husband and might still be and losing him and the marriage will be like a death. You really think you strolling in right now asking for a date is appropriate?

Let her be.

She obviously knows how to contact you if she wants to, you should be not only mindful of what she is going through but respectful and not expect her to replace asap.

She will need to heal and it could take a long time yet, months in fact.

I dated multiple women in that time, several serious relationships, which is why it bugged me that i've never "completely" stopped thinking about her.

Wow, this actually does happen. I don't know how though because everytime i get into a new relationship, I think it's so much better that I would never take back the ex. My situation right now is that I'm hung up on my most recent ex and haven't been open to dating - which is probably why I'm still extremely hung up in the first place.

But given this situation, maybe you're right that your ex might be the one that got away.

The question is - is she really that special or is it just the WHAT IF question of "What if I treated her well in the beginning, would we have ended up together?" and the curiosity that's eating you up inside.

I'm going through the same thing of the latter - but the question is "What if I had my life together, would our relationship been better?" and it sucks because I am slowly getting myself together but she's not there to see it.

(This just motivated me to type up true stories on the big "Getting back together really does happen" thread to make myself and hopefully others feel better)