I am demoted to be a backup plan after a 3-yr long relationship.

I am 28, my ex-girlfriend is 24, her new boyfriend is 33.

(I am trying to forget our past, but if in the future, I had a chance to look back, I can come back to this website and see what I am (was) thinking about)

Just a short summary for people who don’t want to read a long post:

I dated my ex-girlfriend for 3.5 years. She was very committed at the very beginning. She liked to tell me every single details about her life (almost to a point of annoying). We were actively planning to immigrate to another country, she was a high-school drop out, so she can’t apply for immigration on her own, we planned to sponsor her for reunion after my application get approved.

3 years in, our relationship went stale; she was the type of girl that needed frequent excitement. She started to tell me she like other guys, I got insecure, and got clingy.

She meet a guy in a party that she told me about, but didn’t let me to go with her. She told me and even screen-captured how that guy started messaging her. She started going cold on me, and to a point that she even forgot I had a big job interview. After a while, she told me she was “lost”, and “choosing between me and the new guy”. She even told me she most likely would go for the new guy.

She told me to be her backup plan… yes… I was mad, but I did stay around for 2 weeks. No Contact didn’t work, because initially she would messaging me regularly.

Several times, she has threatened me and asked if I have been dating other girls after the broke up, I only mentioned I got to know a few new girls (The truth). Then she said she was happy our friendship remained, which I pulled and said we cannot be friends, for now.

THEN SHE ASKED, “SO YOU ARE NOT WAITING FOR ME ANYMORE?” then she tried to ask to have dinner together, but then retract the invitation before I respond.

Now she is using photos of them kissing as the whatsapp profile picture. She also hinted to be going to a trip with her new BF. I tried to act cool and say “have nice trips!”

Deep down, I am broken; I “cured” her for being insecure with guys and getting dumped all the time, to now she got confident to abandon me after 3.5 years.

_______________________________

Detail background:

After traveling to dozens of countries across the world, after bringing her to see what the world is like, (first time seeing snow, skiing, Aurora, etc) my ex-girlfriend (Let’s call her C) of 3.5 years left me for a guy that she just met for 2 weeks.

C and I both work and live very close to each other (within walking distances).

Originally, I plan to get engaged with her as I am immigrating to another country. I would sponsor C to move to the new country. We thought about to save up for our new life and get our first house together when we moved to the new country, what breeds of dogs should we start keeping, etc.

Background Story: I started dating C within half a day of knowing her, during our part-time job.

C was the kind of girl that got dumped all the times by all her exs. She was scared to share her thoughts with me, until I gave her courage, and tried to “heal her”.

2 months into our dating, I decided to go back to a foreign country for work, C actually came to live with me for 1 whole month. She has never been to that foreign country, and it was a bold move to her, as I never have thought to go back to the home country.

In shorts, I came back to my home country for work after 2 months, C disappeared quite a few times when I was away in that foreign country. When I came back, we got along quite well. She got a full-time job, while I got a better job, and we kept traveling around the world for the next 3 years.

Even during the peak of our relationship, I know C wasn’t my type. Since the very beginning, I actually couldn’t communicate with her, as she was almost an incomprehensible person. The way she talked and thought are so weird that I had a hard time understanding her (she just jumped around topics and skipping important words in every sentence). I hold onto C because I didn’t want to let go.

Jump to the present time, ever since we both got office hour jobs, we had less time to travel. Our relationship started to get stale, as our activities were almost routine like, we meet and go out during the weekends; we go to each other’s place several days a week.

The excitement was lost. I was fine with that, as we are no-longer in the honeymoon phrase. C was the type of girl that she liked excitements and surprises all the time. I could sense that she got bored. I could sense our attachment is getting weak; she started telling me she liked some other guys. She would tell me every single detail about how that guy started talking to her etc. Of course, I felt insecure, and I got clingy. She got mad so easily at anything that I know I couldn’t take anymore, but I hold on.

She started to tell me that she liked a 60-year old commercial pilot, then her adult-education Professor (She was a high-school drop out), and then her co-workers, and then she finally met this new boyfriend on a boat party that she told me but asked me not to join.

Before that boat party, we just finished a 2-week long-haul trip. Before I have time to look back at the memories of our trip, she had gone so cold with me; I could sense that she lost interests in me. At last, she informed me that she was going to have a late night drink with this boat-party guy. Of course, I told her not to go but she insisted.

I was mad, so I ignored her for the next day, she kept calling me and messaging me. When I finally opened up to her the day after, she had decided to go with the other guy, and we broke up. (I even comfort her when she was crying and leaving me)

I tried the NC, she started messaging me on the first day of NC, I pretend to be indifferent to her, and she kept messaging me for the next few weeks.

Recently, it has stopped, and we are only keeping it at LC.

The irony was that, she told me bluntly that I gave her absolute security. Yet, she wanted to look for other things in other relationships. She said her new (1-month long) boyfriend also GAVE her absolute security.

I DON’T want to be the backup plan!

We didn’t have a bad breakup; I just took all the pain, and was left behind.

She seemed to be very committed to her new relationship now. She didn’t even have time to grieve, and went for the new guy within 2 weeks of knowing him, then dumped me.

I know that once I really moved to the foreign country, there is really no chance of meeting up again, let alone getting back together, I think she knows it, so she tries to keep me on the hook, in case her new relationship fails.

What else can I do?

You really want her back? Someone who told you to your face that she wants you as her backup plan and expects you to wait as a single man while she's with other guys? She meets this guy and won't let you go to the party where he's at? And then shows you screenshots of their conversations and tells you she will likely choose him. This girl is walking all over you. You should have been the one to dump her!

You can work on yourself so that you leave low-quality girls like this in your past. It would never last with her anyway.

Where are your standards?

Don't be the back up plan. You've already admitted that you've known for some time that she isn't your type. When you add in how poorly she's treated you, it's astonishing that you would even consider taking her back. NC!

You've officially made yourself into a doormat and enabled her ****ty behavior. You really do teach others how to treat you and you've done just that by not having any boundaries and self-confidence. I know should haves don't help, but really in hindsight, the moment she told you she was interested in other guys, was the moment you should have ended things and told her to piss off.

What else can I do?

Do yourself a favor and keep her out of your life before she completely destroys what's left of your self-esteem. Do not let her use you for her own personal gain. Some people do not belong in your life period and its important to recognize these toxic individuals. Be wary of this behavior next time you see it.

What advice would you give to a friend who was in this situation?