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Thread: Guy i've been seeing for 6 months updated his tinder profile

  1. #1
    robloxppl

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    Guy i've been seeing for 6 months updated his tinder profile

    I am 19 he's 22. I met him on tinder in November and we've been seeing each other since. I am a freshman and he's at the med school, he would always have me over for movies and dinner during the semesters and we spent valentines day together. I am home now for summer but he is still up there for school. He invited me to come up (a 4 hour drive) for this past weekend, and I went. We had a great time, he gave me a gift he got for me while he was on vacation, and we overall just had a fun weekend. I have checked his tinder in the past to check for updates and there never was any, until yesterday. The day after I left from spending the weekend he adds new photos. He still texted me goodnight last night like he always does, and I didn't bring it up yet because he has class tomorrow and I didn't want to keep him up. I am definitely going to bring it up today, and I know any excuse he gives me will be unacceptable. We never talked about being exclusive, but I guess I just wanted to believe he liked me because of all the things he would do for me. I just need some advice on how to approach the conversation, because I know he will probably be like "well why were you checking my profile". I will also need advice on how to get over him, because he did take my virginity, so of course I have the emotional connection and that will be with me forever. If all he wanted was hookups that he could get from tinder why did he bother having me up for the weekend. He even wanted to take a selfie with me while we spent a day in tahoe (lol I know that is silly and petty but still if he didn't like me why would he want an innocent selfie)

    Edit: I know it was my mistake to make assumptions about his feelings and having an expectation that he liked me too. I just want advice on what to do
    Last edited by robloxppl; 06-14-2017 at 11:52 AM.

  2. #2
    j.man
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    First off, he didn't take your virginity. You gave it up. Not saying there's anything wrong with having done so-- just wish that expression would die.

    Secondly, not sure how it is anymore, but you used to see if someone had logged in recently on Tinder. Given you admit you've checked on his profile multiple times before, he may see that you're active, so he figures why not. If you want exclusivity, ask for it.

    Though I do think that, between you being so young, him being relatively far away, and that medical school altogether isn't very conducive to attentive dating, you may be investing too much into this.

  3. #3
    glitterfingers
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    Hmm... Well, you really should talk about exclusivity as soon as you start to grow feelings for someone. Preferably before sex. And especially if you met them on a dating app where they are likely in contact with a number of people. So I'm not entirely sure what you were expecting? This doesn't mean that he doesn't like you. I don't think you should freak out about it and end things, personally, as you did not give him the opportunity to decide that you two should be exclusive - you're both young and he might assume you're seeing multiple guys.

    Have you thought about talking to him about exclusivity? Or are you too hurt by the fact he *added pictures to his Tinder profile* to move past that? Take a breather for a few days if you can, before you address it with him. Don't let on that you're upset, just have a good think about it and if you can move past it, raise the issue of exclusivity with him and see how it goes. You don't need to talk about the fact he added pics to his Tinder profile and you were checking up on him because you were too shy (or something) to outright confirm that you were exclusive.

    For the record, honestly, the guy who took your virginity won't be with you forever. You'll be over it really quickly, it's not that special! The guy who loves you and treats you right in a long term relationship and grows with you sexually/emotionally/mentally - THAT stays with you forever.

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  5. #4
    Miastar
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    Oh I have been there before and worse! To me it's a red flag if he is still on tinder (how I wish I'd taken it more seriously at the time). But if you have been logging on to tinder too then as j.man says, maybe he thinks you're on it too and it's ok.

    It's worth having a chat with him. If you agree to exclusivity then ensure you both delete the tinder accounts from this point onwards.

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  7. #5
    robloxppl

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    I considered that possibility for a moment, but then I remembered that I took down all my photos and deleted my bio about a month ago, so my profile is is basically nothing. I only kept my tinder for this reason, but hoped it would never happen. I'm glad I kept it up or else I would never have known about this and would have continued to be played :/

  8. #6
    PaintWithLight
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    Quote Originally Posted by robloxppl [Register to see the link]
    I considered that possibility for a moment, but then I remembered that I took down all my photos and deleted my bio about a month ago, so my profile is is basically nothing. I only kept my tinder for this reason, but hoped it would never happen. I'm glad I kept it up or else I would never have known about this and would have continued to be played :/
    I don't see how you feel you were played when the two of you never had the "exclusive" talk. You assumed quite a bit from his actions but you now see that he wants to continue to play the field. Your weekend was just an extended hook up.

    To break it down more accurately, ask yourself what is his total investment in your "relationship"? Has he taken you out on dates or does he just do the movies and dinner at his place? Even your weekend together, you were the one who drove the 4 hours to see him. The gift and goodnight texts are nice low energy touches but it seems like he has been giving you breadcrumbs and not a full relationship.

    Have the relationship talk with him but be prepared. It is a little late since you have already slept together. Your willingness to do so without an agreed relationship could have already established you in the "hook up" category in his mind.

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  10. #7
    reinventmyself
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    Quote Originally Posted by robloxppl [Register to see the link]
    I considered that possibility for a moment, but then I remembered that I took down all my photos and deleted my bio about a month ago, so my profile is is basically nothing. I only kept my tinder for this reason, but hoped it would never happen. I'm glad I kept it up or else I would never have known about this and would have continued to be played :/
    Well . . . You might take the term `played' out of the equation.
    You two never discussed exclusivity so you were both free to see others.
    I get his actions had you assuming otherwise. But let this be a valuable lesson.
    Where your heart and health is concerned. .never just assume.

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  12. #8
    robloxppl

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    We went on a few dates, we went ice skating, to the movies, tahoe, and out to eat a few times. He invited me to to come with him to his friends BBQ while I was up there too. I hope I don't sound too whiny, I am just caught off guard and very confused.

  13. #9
    glitterfingers
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaintWithLight [Register to see the link]
    I don't see how you feel you were played when the two of you never had the "exclusive" talk. You assumed quite a bit from his actions but you now see that he wants to continue to play the field. Your weekend was just an extended hook up.

    To break it down more accurately, ask yourself is his total investment in your "relationship"? Has he taken you out on dates or does he just do the movies and dinner at his place? Even your weekend together, you were the one who drove the 4 hours to see him. The gift and goodnight texts are nice low energy touches but it seems like he has been giving you breadcrumbs and not a full relationship.

    Have the relationship talk with him but be prepared. It is a little late since you have already slept together. Your willingness to do so without an agreed relationship could have already established you in the "hook up" category in his mind.
    Right. A relationship involves the agreement of exclusivity, first and foremost, as well as displays of commitment (willingness to make regular contact even when it's not convenient, willingness to listen to your emotional concerns and deal with them constructively). Those of us who are slightly older and more experienced in relationships do not assume that a person will give us these things unless we ask for what we want - and yes, that is difficult to do sometimes, but the alternative is to be in the situation you are in now.

    This is a valuable learning curve for you

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  15. #10
    HeartGoesOn
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    Quote Originally Posted by robloxppl [Register to see the link]
    I considered that possibility for a moment, but then I remembered that I took down all my photos and deleted my bio about a month ago, so my profile is is basically nothing. I only kept my tinder for this reason, but hoped it would never happen. I'm glad I kept it up or else I would never have known about this and would have continued to be played :/
    After agreeing to sleep with him despite not knowing where you stood, you were not being "played." It's unfair to put all of this on him when you were a willing participant.

    The bottom line is, you're both free agents.

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