Not sure how to navigate my complicated situation

I've read the "how to get your ex back" posts and have seen the pros and cons of LC and NC.

My ex and I tried LC but there were too many feelings. Seeing each other in person was harder because he was fighting urges and so was I. However, now I've moved back home for awhile because I couldn't deal with the break up and any contact we do is over the phone.

Yesterday, he asked me to go No Contact, he is VERY depressed. I mean excruciatingly. He lays in bed all day and hasn't left his room in days. He doesn't do anything and I found out he is not going to counseling or classes. He takes Zoloft but it doesn't help him. I urged him to talk to his doctor but he doesn't like to be pushed. In fact, he made it seem as though my advice was appreciated but he told me I was just making him want to push me away.

His logic right now is that he is in such a bad place that he doesn't even want to think about a relationship. He said that includes me. I don't even think he has the energy for casual sex let alone brushing his teeth. He doesn't leave the house much and is a really awkward guy, albeit charming if you get to know him. Despite that, he said that he wants to keep this "break" or "break up" non-committal. He said this is because we don't need a fallback relationship or neither of us will actually use the time to grow/he wants the option of meeting someone if that happens though he is not seeking it/he doesn't want to make promises and hurt me again.

He blocked me on things so I thought he didn't care but he told me he didn't want to see me moving on or making sad posts. I found out he was still checking my Instagram though even after blocking me. He said my sad posts about hurting and moving on weren't "helping him." To be honest, I didn't even think he was reading any of that.

I explained to him last night that I did not want to be a source of stress to him, I wanted him to see me as a person who loves him. He sent me a long text saying what he appreciates about me and thanking me for being in his life. He said he feels he can still love me and know that being in a relationship is not good. I asked if he meant right now or ever. He agreed that we are compatible but that in order to grow and heal, we should assume it is over because he doesn't want any form of relationship right now and isn't even concerned with it.

He said he hates talking about it and misses when we could just talk to each other have fun conversations. He said I should contact him when I'm capable of not bringing up the relationship and I can show him that I'm doing something with my life because he's interested in that.

I respect that. I'm going to counseling and I've been reading about depression and relationships. I can see where I went wrong but I can also see and have the confidence to say that I was not wrong on everything. I've also taken up cross stitching and volunteering.

I want to use the idea that we're never getting back together but we can both agree that we don't have any huge fundamental differences.

We both agree that we need this time to explore ourselves and go to counseling and heal not just from the break up but from the self-esteem issues and depression on both parts that led to our break up.

Again, we both agree that this is the reason for the break up. Not a fundamental, non-negotiable difference.

He just says he is not interested in talking about it right now and I'm not either.

But, I do miss the lighthearted conversation and I also think that being he is so depressed, these chats might even help him. He doesn't have too many friends and when we have nice conversations, he seems to be in a much better mood. We were each others best friends for months.

Even after I moved away, though the break up is what he wanted, he says he has been sitting around and doesn't really know what to do. At the same time, he says he doesn't want to be tied to a relationship and wants time to do whatever he wants to do without being obligated to spend time with me or anyone.

It is entirely confusing. I believe the depression has also made him say some things to me that were unfair, he usually takes it back. At first he told me he did not love me and did not have feelings for me. Now if I ask he just stays silent. I asked why he can't just be straightforward with his feelings and he said, "Well, I want to tell you that I don't love you so that you don't have any hope, but I just don't think it's true."

After that he requested No Contact to decide how he feels. He said "let's try it at least for a few days." I told him I would not say anything to him until he was ready to contact me.

At the same time, I'm feeling that because of his condition, if he does not contact first, I should call in maybe two weeks and just make sure he is doing okay. No stressful conversation, just a chat, which he usually likes.

I've read a lot online about the importance of letting a depressed partner know you are still there while still giving them space and understanding that most of what they say is their illness talking.

I have given myself 3 months. That's when I go back to the same town as him. If he hasn't contacted me by then or nothing has changed for him, I am prepared to leave.

What I'm most terrified about is him finding someone else and rebounding, although based on his condition when I speak to him, I really don't see that happening right now and he says he is not interested.

So, what do I do?? I feel like this would simple enough just to walk away like I have in the past, but he is depressed and sometimes I feel like there are signs that this breakup isn't permanent.

I am trying to have the mindset of moving on and if he's there in the future, then that's that, but if he isn't, oh well. But right now I'm not sure how or if I should keep the door open. He is extremely depressed so I just feel like complete NC doesn't really fit especially if he contacts me first.

You need to honor his request and go silent. If someone asks you to not contact them and you go ahead and contact them - it will push them farther away. use this to heal and move on yourself, too. Focus on you. And accept the breakup, you will in time. Don't accept meaningless contact from him - block him on social media and don't answer any "how are you" texts.

My ex and I tried LC but there were too many feelings.

light contact is for people who have kids or property together and must communicate about the kids or the property - they switch by ONLY communicating about those necessary things, communicate by email, letter or text when phone can be avoided, etc., Its not something to "try" for a standard breakup.

I don't know if it is a standard breakup. He is feeling a lot conflicting things right now as he struggles with depression.

I can honor to give him space and not say anything. I just don't want him to forget about me, especially when he comes out of his depressive episode.

I know that due to his episode it is also impossible for him to talk about the relationship right now and so I don't consider him reaching out to be meaningless. It is hard for him to get out of bed, of course talking about the intricacies of a relationship is not on his plate of things right now.

Sorry to hear this. Go no contact for a while. There has been no space and way too much suffocating and way too many relationship /breakup talks. Stop playing therapist or mother or belaboring everything.

This is creating a limbo hell for both of you rather than some room to reflect, heal and regroup.

Making this an extended postmortem on the relationship is hurting both of you. He is screaming out to tell you that. Let go. Pull yourself and your self-respect together and go no contact.

he asked me to go No Contact. His logic right now is that he is in such a bad place that he doesn't even want to think about a relationship. After that he requested No Contact to decide how he feels. He said "let's try it at least for a few days." He is extremely depressed so I just feel like complete NC doesn't really fit especially if he contacts me first.

I think you need to take care of yourself at this point. Leave him to him.

Does he do drugs at all?

All the time.

I've recognized the pattern of this episode too late to do anything. Before we broke up I brought up that it concerned me that he seemed to be stepping up from just marijuana to smoking everyday, to doing LSD once a month, to taking Molly that was possibly spliced with methamphetamine. After taking the molly he just kept remarking on how amazing it made him feel.

Now he is on the Zoloft, expresses the same dependency and refuses to believe that the drug could be causing or worsening some of his emotionless behavior. To him, the drug has made him have extreme clarity and he still has a full range of emotions despite telling me he feels nothing. Apparently feelings of love are not included in those feelings that disappeared and that he just realized he wanted to be alone.

He is still drinking and smoking weed while taking the Zoloft.

Yeah, you know the listlessness and the weak excuses sort of spoke that to me, and your need to help him did, too.

You have to break free. You don't want to get stuck in a codependent pattern.

The excuses that he is making for being alone?

Can you elaborate on why you got that impression?

The thing is, we've talked about if we dated again we see how we're being codependent now and how that would need to change. He acknowledges it but he thinks it's something we need to work on individually before we even think about talking about a relationship.

I would not be interested in dating him again unless I saw that he was changing and willing to make changes. We planned a meet up in 3 months to discuss. I decided that if he hadn't made any progress, I would just cut it off completely then and there.

You need to distance yourself. Save yourself even though you are in fixer rescuer mode.

Please read up on the danger you pose to both of you by doing this 6731889]A

I've recognized the pattern of this episode too late to do anything. Before we broke up I brought up that it concerned me that he seemed to be stepping up from just marijuana to smoking everyday, to doing LSD once a month, to taking Molly that was possibly spliced with methamphetamine. After taking the molly he just kept remarking on how amazing it made him feel. He is still drinking and smoking weed while taking the Zoloft.

The excuses that he is making for being alone?

Yes, pretty much. It sounds to me like he's just gently prying you off because he has another priority in his life. You didn't actually say "drugs" in your first post, but the pattern is there. His lethargy, disconnection, indifference.

You need to distance yourself. Save yourself even though you are in fixer rescuer mode.

 

Please read up on the danger you pose to both of you by doing this

 

Please listen to this. Also, you need to get yourself into a group for codependency.

 

I don't know if it is a standard breakup. He is feeling a lot conflicting things right now as he struggles with depression.

 

 

I can honor to give him space and not say anything. I just don't want him to forget about me, especially when he comes out of his depressive episode.

I know that due to his episode it is also impossible for him to talk about the relationship right now and so I don't consider him reaching out to be meaningless. It is hard for him to get out of bed, of course talking about the intricacies of a relationship is not on his plate of things right now.

 

It is a standard breakup. There are no children involved, no jointly owned home. You are not broken up because he is in witness protection or in jail.

 

Yes, you MUST honor his space.

 

Yes, any contact besides "i have received help and have been in rehab for a year. I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving you. I want you back. Are you free tomorrow night for dinner" is meaningless. Texts that people write out of boredom or habit are meaningless

 

You need to cut him out of your life and accept the breakup!!!

drugs aside, it doesn't sound like his newfound clarity is imagined. everything you cite him saying in the OP is a perfectly reasonable admittal of the fact he's in no shape to be in a relationship, it wouldn't be wise to part with expectations of reconciliation, or even communicate.

I've read a lot online about the importance of letting a depressed partner know you are still there while still giving them space and understanding that most of what they say is their illness talking.

what partner? he isn't your partner.

telling yourself it's his "illness talking" is a huge embellishment aimed at living a fantasy because your codependency makes the loss highly unpleasant for you.

he doesn't want to be in this relationship, he's not eager about maintaining an emotional investment after a break-up, and he's right about all of it.

i'm sorry but he isn't being delusional, you are in denial.