bestfriend choosing long term boyfriend over friends

Hi

I am in a small friendship group, there are only 3 of us all 19 years old. I have been best friends with them both for 7ish years after meeting them in school.

For the past 2 years it feels like there has only been 2 of us in the group since one of my friends got into a serious relationship 2 years ago. I have always had the mindset that friends come before boys but I think she thinks otherwise.

I am quite a sociable person so I am the one who mostly organised to meet and plans what's happening although my friend in the relationship has declined my offers many time.

Here are a couple of times:

Declined a girly holiday twice as she's going away with her boyfriend and her boyfriends friends..(who are all guys) and the other excuse was she was saving up.

it was my other single friends birthday so she organised a weekend away in a different city but she declined this as she was saving. (My friend still lives at home and has a very wealthy family)

I organised to meet her one weekend and then she said she all of a sudden said she can't as she's metting her boyfriend, I said keep the next weekend free but when it came around I received the same answer.

There has been times in the last year that she has agreed to meet us but we have only had 2 girly nights out last year and this is nothing to say we are 19 years old.

Even though my friend declines our plans most the time, she also never organised her own plans unless they include her boyfriend. Which are only nights with her boyfriend and all his male friends. She has never organised a shopping trip, girly night out or even meet for coffee.

For example she has recently got back off holiday and I said we will sort something out when you're back to give Christmas gifts. She said I can do next month. I'm going out with my friend and his friends so you could come and we could give gifts then. She never said should we meet on a weekend through the day or anything do month is ages away..,

She did attend my birthday weekend away in summer but she received a text from her boyfriends mum saying 'I hope you have not cheated on your boyfriend' which was a very weird thing to do so I wonder it her boyfriend has some sort of control on the situation?

I completely understand she has a boyfriend but it would not hurt her to not see her boyfriend once in a while and actually spend time with her best friends. I feel like she is not bothered about us as Me and my other friend are the only ones making an effort. Is she hinting she wants to move on. I have never confronted her about this as we have never had an argument.

She had no other girl friends so I don't know why she would want to move on.

I don't really want to loose her as a friend but if I don't want to be the one putting in all the effort and not getting anything out of it

You advise would be appreciated?

Thanks!

Unfortunately this is very typical for college-age peers to get into very serious relationships. I met and dated my husband when I was 19... just saying to show how serious some relationships can be when you are in college. There are a couple things to mention here.

it was my other single friends birthday so she organised a weekend away in a different city but she declined this as she was saving. (My friend still lives at home and has a very wealthy family)

Entitled much? Since when did you get to be so involved in THEIR financial affairs?

Just because her family is rich doesn't mean they are going to give handouts to her. She is an adult now- she needs to learn money management.

Her parents are NOT entitled to give her any money for outings. If she's going to be a responsible adult she needs to be the one to save for her own trips. When I went on weekend outings to concerts or nerd conventions, my parents (worked with extremely good salaries) didn't pay a single penny- they told me to save it if I wanted to go.

I organised to meet her one weekend and then she said she all of a sudden said she can't as she's metting her boyfriend, I said keep the next weekend free but when it came around I received the same answer.

This part was very rude of her. She made plans with you first. Then she DITCHES you for another person? It is good manners to stick with prior plans unless a real emergency arises.

You should of said something to her about this. I wouldn't have rescheduled- I would if dig my heels in and said "wait, are you really ditching me to go hang out with someone else? I thought we had plans made first."

She did attend my birthday weekend away in summer but she received a text from her boyfriends mum saying 'I hope you have not cheated on your boyfriend' which was a very weird thing to do so I wonder it her boyfriend has some sort of control on the situation?

Extremely bizarre. She might be teasing and this was said in very poor taste. But it is never up to a parent to get involved in a relationship or any relationship conflicts. What her boyfriends mother said is not about her boyfriend, so don't think this is a control issue on his part.

I will give you a warning: stay completely out of ANY relationship drama between your fiend and her boyfriend. If you get involved, you run the risk of making things worse AND potentially lose a friend out of this. I have lost a friendship in the past for getting involved in someone else's relationship problems, and it was very messy. I've also gotten rid of friendships with people who treated or said negative things about my husband while we were dating.

She will come around or not. But I would focus on spending time wth other girlfriends or making new friends.

I can't tell you how many female friends I've had in groups who were originally the type to do the whole out of town trip for a girlfriend's birthday or have "girly nights" before turning to the darkside that is hanging out with dudes, where you celebrate birthdays by simply hitting up a bar or some dude's house for drinks and video or board games and no one takes it personally if you can't or don't even want to go that day.

So yeah. A couple things are off on her end with the canceling reschedules (assuming they were firm) and the mom texting. But it also might be worth considering she's found another guy and group of friends she simply finds more enjoyable.

It's best to have a diversity of friends from many areas of your life, beyond just one little clique, that gets quite boring and stifling.

School, work, sports, interests, volunteering, etc. are great places to make and have interesting friends. It's also important to balance and make room for dating/relationships as well as friends and other interests.

When people get into relationships they will often want to spend all their time with their significant other. But it sounds like your friend is not bothered about keeping this friendship going with you, so for you it's just about letting go and moving on.

In the long run, if her relationship does not work out and comes running back to you, you can confront her then. But if people cut friendships just like that (to be in a relationship), then you can make the decision if you will accept her back. It's up to you.

Sorry to be a downer, but this has nothing to do with age. I am in my 40's and have had friends of all ages. I have seen women from their 20's to their 60's dump their friends when a man comes sniffing around. I have never been this type, so I just can't relate. I've come to realize that I am an outlier. Best plan: don't depend too heavily on any one friendship.

I'm going through something extremely similar right now (you can read the replies to my question about it, some are helpful). So yeah, I know it feels like to have a friend basically cut you off and stop caring just because a boyfriend came along. And about her wanting to save money while being from a wealth family, lol, you can bet she just didn't want to join. Like my old best friend, it seems she doesn't care at all anymore about your friendship.

The best I can suggest is to try your best to forget her, and invite new girls to your outings. Tell them to tag along a friend if possible, and increase your chances of meeting new people. It's extremely hurtful and disappointing to have a best friend treat you like you don't mean anything to them, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Be glad someone like that showed you her true colours now and not later. Perhaps one day she'll completely regret losing you and doing these things. Dating someone doesn't mean you ignore and ditch all your long term friendships. I hope you forget her this year and meet someone much better. It's sad situations like these that are reminders of just how replaceable people are.

Focus on creating meaningful friendships. You seem too focused on "girly nights" and getaways. I have to say i have not had a "girlie night" with my best friend or close cousins. We talk on the phone, we write, we go do things, but we do them AROUND husbands, kids, boyfriends. Weekends are for boyfriends, kids ball games, etc. We get together or have long chats by meeting for lunch during the week, etc, or early evening when their kids are home but its early enough for the oldest to be able to watch the youngest before dinner. Your friend was there when it was important - your birthday. Also acknowledge that their boyfriends are not your competition. What about all going WITH boyfriends out somewhere or have dinner at someone's house to get to know all the boyfriends?